Okay, I've been avoiding my blog. There has been something on my mind and I have been afraid to write about it.
First, with open enrollment at work for healthcare choices and tax savings accounts, it has gotten me thinking about how to afford a child while paying for daycare. Staying home is not a very likely option. Family is far way, so we cannot ask my parents to help out a few days a week. The cost of daycare scares me, let alone getting a child into one after hearing horror stories of wait lists and non-refundable wait list costs, some that you still have to pay even if the daycare center does not eventually have an opening. Let alone the rules. We would only need part-time daycare as Tal and I work different shifts and my schedule rotates. During the week, we would need about three days for four or five hours each. But some places require that you pay for all five days. Would we be lucky enough to find a daycare or private daycare provider who would be okay with a rotating schedule? I know I'm putting the cart way before the horse. But, you have to have some kind of plan before you try to have a child. Or at least me.
Those worries led to worries about quantity and quality of time with a possible future child. Working second shift makes it tricky. But, there are other people who work second shift and have families. It is doable. Right? I really like my job and I feel like it is a good fit. That is also important. Right? Then, I'd feel guilty if I would not be spending enough time with a possible future child. Would I be being selfish having a child and working the hours I'm working? I think it could work and be okay for the first few years before they would go to school. By then maybe there could be an opening for a position with more nine to five? A lot can change.
Also, I guess part of me is somewhat grieving the loss of not being able to stay home to raise my child. I always wanted that, more so than anything else. As a little girl, the first thing I wanted to be was a mom. People laughed at me or would tell me that was not what I really wanted to be. I loved my mom and felt so loved by her that I wanted to be a mommy and take care of a child so they could feel as loved as I felt as a little girl. As I realized that "mom" wasn't the answer people were looking for, I expanded my list to include teacher, ballerina and artist. Don't get me wrong, I liked the idea of those, too. But, after I would say those things, I'd secretly tell myself..."and a mom."
So with lots of hard thinking about how to puzzle it all out with the logistics of having a child and making time to spend with a child, it got me thinking some more. This is where the darkest question and fear loomed. What if after all of this, if we had a child, what if we regretted it?? What if parenting was harder than we thought, like really harder than we thought?
Ugh. I don't even want to admit that question crossed my mind. It makes me feel like a horrible person. Does it make me less deserving to be a parent?
I just don't want to screw it up. I am afraid of being so stressed out that I will be a terrible mom, wife or person. I do not want to lose me. I do not want to be totally consumed by parenthood. Life would change, no doubt. Priorities would rightfully shift. How do people do it?
With all of these thoughts running in my mind, I came across a blog from Mel's Friday Round-up. Actually, it was part of the second helpings.
My response to "Women Who Wish They'd Never Had Kids" and "Why Parents Hate Parenting," by The Unexpected Trip
That blog and links within it led down a wormhole of some very raw, very hard realizations and insights shared by those who do regret having a child. It is so sad, and my heart feels for those who have disclosed some very dark thoughts. I don't want to be one of those people...one of those that is completely overwhelmed by parenthood or bitter or resentful. No, so sad. I do not want to judge people and I guess it is good for them to have an outlet to express themselves, but still sad. As the author of the post that reflects on all of these links about parenting, maybe it is healthy for parents to have space to process feelings, all feelings, as a way to heal and carry forward.
How do people do it? Maybe I am thinking too much. I just don't want to be holding the experience of parenthood up to wildly, impossible standards then have it all come crashing down.
Then this post popped up on my Facebook feed.
10 Dark Parenting Truths We Never Talk About, by Kristen Oganowski
And while the author tackled some of the dark sides of parenting, she somehow made it less scary. There are truths in her words. And it is what it is, but real and with love. Life with or without children, is different...not better or worse, but different.
Showing posts with label scared. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scared. Show all posts
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Saturday, December 19, 2015
House Scouting
It may not be fair to say that T~ and I have started house hunting. I prefer to call it house scouting. We skimmed the realtor websites in the fall getting a feel for houses in our area. Then we saw an older house with lots of charm where the priced dropped and thought it was worth a looky-loo. That put us in contact with a realtor who sent us some links to some homes and showed us a few one Saturday afternoon. While doing our research, we also noticed some new homes being built in the area for a similar price. It has gotten us thinking and with the wedding and holidays behind us, I believe we are beginning to move from looky-loo to more serious hunting. With all of this has come some important conversations.
We have been talking about what each of us finds important in a house and things that may be nice, but not completely necessary. We have talked about in the city, country or suburbs. Schools are important, whether or not we have children. We have talked about size, layout and yard space. The one tricky spot for us has been size. We grew up in different homes, so definition of space and how it is used is different. I grew up in a small ranch house and shared a bedroom with my sister. T~ grew up in a two-story home where he and his brothers had their own bedrooms. I had a living room and a semi-finished basement. T~ had a living room, family room and a finished basement. I grew up in a family where we shared more common space, where as T~'s family had room to spread out with opportunities to individualize space. We have seen some very nice homes, but it seemed the reoccurring thread was the discussion of the amount of space. While there have been homes within our budget that have additional space, I just felt like it was too much house for us. It seems silly and almost wasteful to buy a home with several more rooms in it than what we need on a regular basis. I'd also rather spend less on the size an upkeep on a house and use the money for travel, fun and life experiences. However, T~ was concerned that we may get too small of a house and it would not fit our needs for when family comes to visit or that a smaller house may feel like more of an apartment than a house.
Again, after our last look at houses, we returned to the conversation of house too big/ house too small. T~ felt like there was something more in how I was feeling. And there was. It was the fear of future regret. I told him I was afraid of getting a house too big for just two people. While lots of two person families may have two-story homes with a family room, living room and formal dining room, I was concerned that if we lived in that kind of house and if we could not have a child that it may end up feeling like a reminder of what we could not have. I did not want to be haunted by the empty rooms. Another concern would be regret in if we spent more on our house and then maybe struggled with having the money available to adopt. Fortunately, T~ was understanding.
It seems to us that we are trying to find a house that is not too big or not too small--a house that will give us opportunity to grow, but not trip all over ourselves--a house that will feel like home for both of us. I think we are getting closer to that idea, and now we just have to find the house out there. I think we will know it when we see it.
We have been talking about what each of us finds important in a house and things that may be nice, but not completely necessary. We have talked about in the city, country or suburbs. Schools are important, whether or not we have children. We have talked about size, layout and yard space. The one tricky spot for us has been size. We grew up in different homes, so definition of space and how it is used is different. I grew up in a small ranch house and shared a bedroom with my sister. T~ grew up in a two-story home where he and his brothers had their own bedrooms. I had a living room and a semi-finished basement. T~ had a living room, family room and a finished basement. I grew up in a family where we shared more common space, where as T~'s family had room to spread out with opportunities to individualize space. We have seen some very nice homes, but it seemed the reoccurring thread was the discussion of the amount of space. While there have been homes within our budget that have additional space, I just felt like it was too much house for us. It seems silly and almost wasteful to buy a home with several more rooms in it than what we need on a regular basis. I'd also rather spend less on the size an upkeep on a house and use the money for travel, fun and life experiences. However, T~ was concerned that we may get too small of a house and it would not fit our needs for when family comes to visit or that a smaller house may feel like more of an apartment than a house.
Again, after our last look at houses, we returned to the conversation of house too big/ house too small. T~ felt like there was something more in how I was feeling. And there was. It was the fear of future regret. I told him I was afraid of getting a house too big for just two people. While lots of two person families may have two-story homes with a family room, living room and formal dining room, I was concerned that if we lived in that kind of house and if we could not have a child that it may end up feeling like a reminder of what we could not have. I did not want to be haunted by the empty rooms. Another concern would be regret in if we spent more on our house and then maybe struggled with having the money available to adopt. Fortunately, T~ was understanding.
It seems to us that we are trying to find a house that is not too big or not too small--a house that will give us opportunity to grow, but not trip all over ourselves--a house that will feel like home for both of us. I think we are getting closer to that idea, and now we just have to find the house out there. I think we will know it when we see it.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Chess Game
I have a little bit of a tendency to get ahead of myself sometimes. I worry easily. In my last post, I eluded to what has been occupying my thoughts.
Life can sometimes feel like a chess game, where it seems important to set yourself up towards getting closer to your dreams. The dream is possible motherhood and I worry about time. T~ and I will be getting married in December and I am very happy. I don't want to rush into trying to have a family, but time is limited. On top of that, I am not quite where I would like to be in terms of my career. I'm getting there, but I would feel much more comfortable if the status was a bit more permanent. I want to be in a position to more comfortably provide for a child.
But, it is also for my feeling secure. T~ is open to me working part-time and figuring it out. But for me, having been through divorce, I do not feel comfortable possibly giving up my career for a child. I left my full-time job in my past marriage when we started trying to have a family (the timing fell into place with him transferring out of state and I just finished the school year--I did not just up and quit--this was also just as the recession was rolling in and we moved to state with an over saturation of teachers), and then he left me. I went back to school, and now I'm building a second career. I do not feel any doubts about T~ and his commitment to me and to us. I just worry about other terrible what if's. The job market is very competitive and tight right now. You don't really get an infinite number of chances. There are times I wonder if I should have stayed with teaching. It would have been the safe choice. But then, I would not have met T~, and I was following my heart. And he is wonderful and makes me feel happy. I just hate being in a place of limbo. I'm trying to be okay with where I am, but it can be difficult. Also, I just don't want to end up in a place where I feel like I have to choose between child or career. It feels like there is little room for error.
It is stressing me out. I feel like if I don't get all of my ducks in a row in the next two or three years, then my chance at motherhood will quickly pass. And even if it all works out like I hope, it is no guarantee for a baby.
So then I try to refocus my thoughts on the present and remember to be happy with what I have in my life. It is not easy when you are a planner.
Life can sometimes feel like a chess game, where it seems important to set yourself up towards getting closer to your dreams. The dream is possible motherhood and I worry about time. T~ and I will be getting married in December and I am very happy. I don't want to rush into trying to have a family, but time is limited. On top of that, I am not quite where I would like to be in terms of my career. I'm getting there, but I would feel much more comfortable if the status was a bit more permanent. I want to be in a position to more comfortably provide for a child.
But, it is also for my feeling secure. T~ is open to me working part-time and figuring it out. But for me, having been through divorce, I do not feel comfortable possibly giving up my career for a child. I left my full-time job in my past marriage when we started trying to have a family (the timing fell into place with him transferring out of state and I just finished the school year--I did not just up and quit--this was also just as the recession was rolling in and we moved to state with an over saturation of teachers), and then he left me. I went back to school, and now I'm building a second career. I do not feel any doubts about T~ and his commitment to me and to us. I just worry about other terrible what if's. The job market is very competitive and tight right now. You don't really get an infinite number of chances. There are times I wonder if I should have stayed with teaching. It would have been the safe choice. But then, I would not have met T~, and I was following my heart. And he is wonderful and makes me feel happy. I just hate being in a place of limbo. I'm trying to be okay with where I am, but it can be difficult. Also, I just don't want to end up in a place where I feel like I have to choose between child or career. It feels like there is little room for error.
It is stressing me out. I feel like if I don't get all of my ducks in a row in the next two or three years, then my chance at motherhood will quickly pass. And even if it all works out like I hope, it is no guarantee for a baby.
So then I try to refocus my thoughts on the present and remember to be happy with what I have in my life. It is not easy when you are a planner.
Monday, December 30, 2013
MRI Falling Apart?
"Getting old is hell, sweetheart."--Uncle Carl
That's what my great uncle would often say. It was usually followed by a soft, knowing chuckle with a bit of honesty and humor. But, he was always quick to point out that for which he was thankful, too. It became harder over the years as he outlived so many in his lifetime. However, my mind prefers to linger on the more resilient moments when Uncle Carl spoke those words.
Ugh. Followed by meh.
The saga that is my shoulder injury from September continues. Long story with an eventual MRI/MRA and plenty of deserved griping, but I'll skip all of that. Good news is that I did not tear it nor have micro tears. So, that means no surgery and a few weeks of physical therapy. The bad news is that I have arthritis. What? How is that? Well, apparently it has always been there but kind of quiet. As the physician assistant put it, the injury awoken the bear.
Great.
Now that makes me feel old(er). I am not exactly thrilled by this news. He felt that the physical therapy should bring back range of motion and be mostly pain free. He also did not seem too concerned about long-term treatment or who I should see next. Seemed more like welcome to getting old(er).
I don't know how I feel about all of this, but it seems I'm fairly young to have this health issue. I guess it will be more for me to look into for 2014. I just want to be healthy and injury free for more than six months. I am tired of feeling like my body is falling apart. I'm certain there are worse things, but I'm concerned about the long-term effects and how to care for myself now so that I'm in better shape down the road, or less worse shape. This is not helping the whole being healthy and young enough to have a baby.
But, the physician assistant said that after the physical therapy that I can take up running and yoga again, at least for a little while. I am definitely going to be hoping for improved health in the coming year.
That's what my great uncle would often say. It was usually followed by a soft, knowing chuckle with a bit of honesty and humor. But, he was always quick to point out that for which he was thankful, too. It became harder over the years as he outlived so many in his lifetime. However, my mind prefers to linger on the more resilient moments when Uncle Carl spoke those words.
Ugh. Followed by meh.
The saga that is my shoulder injury from September continues. Long story with an eventual MRI/MRA and plenty of deserved griping, but I'll skip all of that. Good news is that I did not tear it nor have micro tears. So, that means no surgery and a few weeks of physical therapy. The bad news is that I have arthritis. What? How is that? Well, apparently it has always been there but kind of quiet. As the physician assistant put it, the injury awoken the bear.
Great.
Now that makes me feel old(er). I am not exactly thrilled by this news. He felt that the physical therapy should bring back range of motion and be mostly pain free. He also did not seem too concerned about long-term treatment or who I should see next. Seemed more like welcome to getting old(er).
I don't know how I feel about all of this, but it seems I'm fairly young to have this health issue. I guess it will be more for me to look into for 2014. I just want to be healthy and injury free for more than six months. I am tired of feeling like my body is falling apart. I'm certain there are worse things, but I'm concerned about the long-term effects and how to care for myself now so that I'm in better shape down the road, or less worse shape. This is not helping the whole being healthy and young enough to have a baby.
But, the physician assistant said that after the physical therapy that I can take up running and yoga again, at least for a little while. I am definitely going to be hoping for improved health in the coming year.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Dating Hesitation
Since moving to Orlando, I have been fortunate to have gone on a few dates. It has been fun meeting new people while attracting the attention of some nice men. One guy wasn't a good match for me. He was a nice guy, just not quite the right fit. Another guy was a lot of fun, but he lives a little ways away on the beach. I get the impression he is still balancing some things in his life and the distance thing does not help that. Or maybe I wasn't a match for him?
But, I am okay with accepting if the fit is just not there in the early phase of dating and then moving onto the next possibility. I think I am improving in that area and not taking it as personal. It is a good thing to feel comfortable in not feeling like I have to settle for an okay fit or good enough. I value wanting there to be more of connection that is satisfying for both people. I want a relationship that I can enjoy and that they enjoy with me. I want to share a life with someone. I want to have fun and look forward to seeing them.
Then with the most recent guy, it's still kind of early and I am trying to take things slowly. I'm trying to return to this approach in general because I think it will help me to get to know the person better to head off getting clouded and confused. Once I am emotionally attached it is easier for me to overlook or forgive behaviors, flaws or synchronicity that is off where it may not be the best match.
I have found myself with that familiar feeling of being tickled when I get to see him. He is easy to talk to about similar interests and what is happening in life. He is kind, open and insightful. However, when we went on a few dates, I found my nerves bubbling up and getting the best of me. I was thinking too much and not in the moment. Panic was setting in and it was freaking me out.
In part, I realize that I feel a little more pressure with dating now than I did before when I lived in Pittsburgh. When I was in Pittsburgh and I first started dating again, it was an adventure. At first I didn't take it too seriously because I figured that if things didn't work out, that I would be leaving after graduation. The plan was to get my degree, get a job and get the heck out of there. Pittsburgh was supposed to be temporary. It was kind of liberating and allowed me to be more in the moment. Then I met and fell in love with RJ, which was not part of the plan. I was coming to a place of happy acceptance that life is not always what you plan and some the best stuff can pop into your life when you least expect it. My thoughts and hopes for my future shifted towards envisioning a life in Pittsburgh with RJ. However, that relationship ended and I became open to leaving town, again. This time it was with a heart with mixed emotions. It was an opportunity to embrace a fresh start, but it meant distance from the people who became my very close friends and confidants. Pittsburgh crept into my heart and I made it my home. It was bitter sweet for me to leave.
Now dating feels more real, like the stakes have been raised and there is less room for error, for heartbreak. It was so difficult for me to live in the same neighborhood as RJ after the relationship ended. There were so many reminders of him. There was a history with A~, but he left town. Part of me is afraid that if things start and end with someone in Orlando, I wouldn't have a place to run. I am afraid of getting hurt again. And I think this is silly. Lots of people start and end relationships where they live and they reestablish themselves. And dating should be fun and it should be an adventure!
Finally, I have been worried that if things got more serious with the most recent guy and if it ended, I'm worried about possibly hurting him. I want to keep things more light and breezy. He has stated that he likes me, but knows and is understanding that I want to take things slowly. But, I don't want to hurt him, and kind of selfishly I don't want to deal with the emotional fallout in how it may impact me. Insert where I know I am being contradictory of myself because I have been angry and suspect that RJ did that very thing to me. It's holding me back, I can feel it and it has been bothering me.
The recent guy is a grown man and makes his own choices. I should not be trying to be responsible for him not getting hurt. We each have a responsibility to be honest and respectful with each other. But, each person is responsible for their own feelings and the risks they take. There is some element of trust in there.
With these realizations, it has helped me to understand what I think is the root of my problem. I am feeling a little better being able to identify my worries. Hopefully, I can let go of them and get back to being more relaxed, present and authentic...to just be me! It's got to be all in to give me, him and us a chance to see if it can begin and to see where it may lead.
But, I am okay with accepting if the fit is just not there in the early phase of dating and then moving onto the next possibility. I think I am improving in that area and not taking it as personal. It is a good thing to feel comfortable in not feeling like I have to settle for an okay fit or good enough. I value wanting there to be more of connection that is satisfying for both people. I want a relationship that I can enjoy and that they enjoy with me. I want to share a life with someone. I want to have fun and look forward to seeing them.
Then with the most recent guy, it's still kind of early and I am trying to take things slowly. I'm trying to return to this approach in general because I think it will help me to get to know the person better to head off getting clouded and confused. Once I am emotionally attached it is easier for me to overlook or forgive behaviors, flaws or synchronicity that is off where it may not be the best match.
I have found myself with that familiar feeling of being tickled when I get to see him. He is easy to talk to about similar interests and what is happening in life. He is kind, open and insightful. However, when we went on a few dates, I found my nerves bubbling up and getting the best of me. I was thinking too much and not in the moment. Panic was setting in and it was freaking me out.
In part, I realize that I feel a little more pressure with dating now than I did before when I lived in Pittsburgh. When I was in Pittsburgh and I first started dating again, it was an adventure. At first I didn't take it too seriously because I figured that if things didn't work out, that I would be leaving after graduation. The plan was to get my degree, get a job and get the heck out of there. Pittsburgh was supposed to be temporary. It was kind of liberating and allowed me to be more in the moment. Then I met and fell in love with RJ, which was not part of the plan. I was coming to a place of happy acceptance that life is not always what you plan and some the best stuff can pop into your life when you least expect it. My thoughts and hopes for my future shifted towards envisioning a life in Pittsburgh with RJ. However, that relationship ended and I became open to leaving town, again. This time it was with a heart with mixed emotions. It was an opportunity to embrace a fresh start, but it meant distance from the people who became my very close friends and confidants. Pittsburgh crept into my heart and I made it my home. It was bitter sweet for me to leave.
Now dating feels more real, like the stakes have been raised and there is less room for error, for heartbreak. It was so difficult for me to live in the same neighborhood as RJ after the relationship ended. There were so many reminders of him. There was a history with A~, but he left town. Part of me is afraid that if things start and end with someone in Orlando, I wouldn't have a place to run. I am afraid of getting hurt again. And I think this is silly. Lots of people start and end relationships where they live and they reestablish themselves. And dating should be fun and it should be an adventure!
Finally, I have been worried that if things got more serious with the most recent guy and if it ended, I'm worried about possibly hurting him. I want to keep things more light and breezy. He has stated that he likes me, but knows and is understanding that I want to take things slowly. But, I don't want to hurt him, and kind of selfishly I don't want to deal with the emotional fallout in how it may impact me. Insert where I know I am being contradictory of myself because I have been angry and suspect that RJ did that very thing to me. It's holding me back, I can feel it and it has been bothering me.
The recent guy is a grown man and makes his own choices. I should not be trying to be responsible for him not getting hurt. We each have a responsibility to be honest and respectful with each other. But, each person is responsible for their own feelings and the risks they take. There is some element of trust in there.
With these realizations, it has helped me to understand what I think is the root of my problem. I am feeling a little better being able to identify my worries. Hopefully, I can let go of them and get back to being more relaxed, present and authentic...to just be me! It's got to be all in to give me, him and us a chance to see if it can begin and to see where it may lead.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Broken Foot
Meh...
So, it seems this was a work in progress, maybe. I enjoy running. It is one of my favorite ways to release stress because I usually get to be physically active and be outside while doing it. Unfortunately, I started having pain in my foot around the end of April, beginning of May. I just wanted to make it through the Cleveland Half-Marathon.
Cleveland is my hometown and to have the opportunity to run in this race meant a lot. I remember sometime in middle school and hearing about the race and thinking what fun it would be to run in the city. When I found out how long the race was, I wasn't sure if that could be something I could do. In grade school, I was often the smallest and slowest runner in my class. If I was playing tag at recess, it was only a matter of time before I was "it." That usually meant that I was "it" for the remainder of the time because I couldn't catch anyone. After a while, others began to catch onto this pattern and found that it really wasn't fun to have me hopelessly chasing them around the playground. So then, mercilessly, someone would eventually volunteer to be "it" so that the kids could resume running at full speed and I could try to catch my breath...praying that someone would not say the chant (I cannot remember) that makes it so that everyone has to leave base.
Needless to say, it wasn't until I was an adult that I discovered the joys of running. I may not be fast, but I do enjoy it. So, I think I weakened my foot and tried to give it a rest over the summer. When I finally decided to go see my doctor about it, I got back into my car and my phone rang with the job offer for Orlando. I had the x-rays done in Pittsburgh and they did not show anything. During my moving into my new apartment, I tripped on a step and my foot just did not feel the same. I think that was when it was officially pushed over the edge. I had x-rays done and now the break was clearly visible.
Since September I have had a series of steps in trying to heal my foot. I started with an air cast and a knee scooter. The lady who completed the paperwork for me to rent the scooter at the store said something about, "Now that you are disabled..." That did not go over well. Me, disabled? No. I decided to make the most of it by installing a bicycle bell on it so at least I could bring some kind of humor to the situation. With the hospital being so new, I was quickly recognized as the girl on the scooter. At first, people thought it was a toy and part of my job as a Child Life Specialist. "Oh, you Child Life Specialists have all the fun toys! You are so fun...oh, wait. What's that on your foot? Oh, your foot's broken. Sorry!" I will say the scooter was better than crutches. I could pick up some real speed on the straight aways. Some people teased that I would get a speeding ticket. Others would say that I would miss the scooter because I would be so much slower. Not so much. As much time as I could save with going fast in a hallway here and there, I spent more time backing up and going back and forth to maneuver in and out of doorways and tight spaces. A time or two I got a little jammed and stuck trying to get out of the elevator that I felt like Austin Powers in the golf cart in the first movie.
Over time, I realized I was in a safe bubble at work and people were just used to it. Granted it made for a lot of extra conversation and inquires of how I was healing. But, it was well intended and I preferred to think of it as people cheering for me, even if it was somewhat tiresome having the same conversations about ten times per day. I usually had my canned answers, but tried to say it with a smile. Then it started happening at the Publix. The people who worked at the store began to recognize me and would strike up conversations with me about my progress and giving me well wishes. It was slightly invasive and I really didn't want to be drawing extra attention. Again, I took it as more people sending me good vibes for healing. Then, I went to the mall and there were a lot of people who openly stared at me. It made me feel uncomfortable. I suddenly appreciated my safe bubbles of work and the Publix.
I was also irked when people would ask me if I had a handicapped parking pass. What? No. I am not disabled...even if technically temporarily...I did not identify myself that way. It ticked me off when people would say that I should take full advantage of my situation with the parking thing or milking it for some other favor out of pity. NO! That was one reason why when there was one guy that I dated for a bit that I appreciated that he did not say those kind of things. He joked with me as was my way of coping, but he did not treat me any differently. And he was good at listening when I could be honest about my frustrations with it. (More on him in another post.)
After about a month, I started to transition off of the scooter and try walking more with the air cast. Sometimes it was strange and somewhat comforting when some people didn't even realize that I didn't have the scooter anymore because it had just become no big deal. The transition was giving me some hope. But, I still felt awkward and it was starting to wear on me. I found myself not wanting to go out in public for longer stretches where I might need the scooter. I was just so done with it and my mood was dark. I was getting into a funk. Being restricted in not being able to really exercise was not helping and starting to take its emotional toll.
Last week I was down graded to a "walking shoe," which looks like a sandal version of the walking cast. At least now I can swim laps in the pool, as long as I don't push off the wall. I went for a swim after an unseasonable cool spell. It felt great and really helped my mood. I look forward to doing more of it, as long as the weather cooperates. Fortunately, the pool for laps in my neighborhood is heated.
Supposedly, I'm moving in the right direction. As long as I can handle the progression to regular shoes and walking, I *might* get to try running in February. But, what totally stinks is that after all of this, the pain could come back to my foot and all of this could be for nothing. That is what I fear the most.
And as much as I am trying to stay positive, it is wearing on me. I miss wearing matching socks and shoes. I miss wearing my cute shoes. I haven't even been able to wear my Florida shoes yet! With the holidays coming and the New Year, I feel like I can't really get excited about dressing up all cute. I don't feeling like wearing a cute dress and then this aweful velcro sandal. Maybe I'll head to the beach for New Years. It's a good place for a flip flop.
So, it seems this was a work in progress, maybe. I enjoy running. It is one of my favorite ways to release stress because I usually get to be physically active and be outside while doing it. Unfortunately, I started having pain in my foot around the end of April, beginning of May. I just wanted to make it through the Cleveland Half-Marathon.
Cleveland is my hometown and to have the opportunity to run in this race meant a lot. I remember sometime in middle school and hearing about the race and thinking what fun it would be to run in the city. When I found out how long the race was, I wasn't sure if that could be something I could do. In grade school, I was often the smallest and slowest runner in my class. If I was playing tag at recess, it was only a matter of time before I was "it." That usually meant that I was "it" for the remainder of the time because I couldn't catch anyone. After a while, others began to catch onto this pattern and found that it really wasn't fun to have me hopelessly chasing them around the playground. So then, mercilessly, someone would eventually volunteer to be "it" so that the kids could resume running at full speed and I could try to catch my breath...praying that someone would not say the chant (I cannot remember) that makes it so that everyone has to leave base.
Needless to say, it wasn't until I was an adult that I discovered the joys of running. I may not be fast, but I do enjoy it. So, I think I weakened my foot and tried to give it a rest over the summer. When I finally decided to go see my doctor about it, I got back into my car and my phone rang with the job offer for Orlando. I had the x-rays done in Pittsburgh and they did not show anything. During my moving into my new apartment, I tripped on a step and my foot just did not feel the same. I think that was when it was officially pushed over the edge. I had x-rays done and now the break was clearly visible.
Since September I have had a series of steps in trying to heal my foot. I started with an air cast and a knee scooter. The lady who completed the paperwork for me to rent the scooter at the store said something about, "Now that you are disabled..." That did not go over well. Me, disabled? No. I decided to make the most of it by installing a bicycle bell on it so at least I could bring some kind of humor to the situation. With the hospital being so new, I was quickly recognized as the girl on the scooter. At first, people thought it was a toy and part of my job as a Child Life Specialist. "Oh, you Child Life Specialists have all the fun toys! You are so fun...oh, wait. What's that on your foot? Oh, your foot's broken. Sorry!" I will say the scooter was better than crutches. I could pick up some real speed on the straight aways. Some people teased that I would get a speeding ticket. Others would say that I would miss the scooter because I would be so much slower. Not so much. As much time as I could save with going fast in a hallway here and there, I spent more time backing up and going back and forth to maneuver in and out of doorways and tight spaces. A time or two I got a little jammed and stuck trying to get out of the elevator that I felt like Austin Powers in the golf cart in the first movie.
Over time, I realized I was in a safe bubble at work and people were just used to it. Granted it made for a lot of extra conversation and inquires of how I was healing. But, it was well intended and I preferred to think of it as people cheering for me, even if it was somewhat tiresome having the same conversations about ten times per day. I usually had my canned answers, but tried to say it with a smile. Then it started happening at the Publix. The people who worked at the store began to recognize me and would strike up conversations with me about my progress and giving me well wishes. It was slightly invasive and I really didn't want to be drawing extra attention. Again, I took it as more people sending me good vibes for healing. Then, I went to the mall and there were a lot of people who openly stared at me. It made me feel uncomfortable. I suddenly appreciated my safe bubbles of work and the Publix.
I was also irked when people would ask me if I had a handicapped parking pass. What? No. I am not disabled...even if technically temporarily...I did not identify myself that way. It ticked me off when people would say that I should take full advantage of my situation with the parking thing or milking it for some other favor out of pity. NO! That was one reason why when there was one guy that I dated for a bit that I appreciated that he did not say those kind of things. He joked with me as was my way of coping, but he did not treat me any differently. And he was good at listening when I could be honest about my frustrations with it. (More on him in another post.)
After about a month, I started to transition off of the scooter and try walking more with the air cast. Sometimes it was strange and somewhat comforting when some people didn't even realize that I didn't have the scooter anymore because it had just become no big deal. The transition was giving me some hope. But, I still felt awkward and it was starting to wear on me. I found myself not wanting to go out in public for longer stretches where I might need the scooter. I was just so done with it and my mood was dark. I was getting into a funk. Being restricted in not being able to really exercise was not helping and starting to take its emotional toll.
Last week I was down graded to a "walking shoe," which looks like a sandal version of the walking cast. At least now I can swim laps in the pool, as long as I don't push off the wall. I went for a swim after an unseasonable cool spell. It felt great and really helped my mood. I look forward to doing more of it, as long as the weather cooperates. Fortunately, the pool for laps in my neighborhood is heated.
Supposedly, I'm moving in the right direction. As long as I can handle the progression to regular shoes and walking, I *might* get to try running in February. But, what totally stinks is that after all of this, the pain could come back to my foot and all of this could be for nothing. That is what I fear the most.
And as much as I am trying to stay positive, it is wearing on me. I miss wearing matching socks and shoes. I miss wearing my cute shoes. I haven't even been able to wear my Florida shoes yet! With the holidays coming and the New Year, I feel like I can't really get excited about dressing up all cute. I don't feeling like wearing a cute dress and then this aweful velcro sandal. Maybe I'll head to the beach for New Years. It's a good place for a flip flop.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Bad News
Why is it that with really bad news that I am always really caught off guard? I just found it so silly when my dad called me this morning and just said he was on his way to come and visit. Yesterday Mom said he would call and just see if I was still up for it. But I was eager for him to come, even though I really wanted them both to be here. I was hoping to set up a time for them both to come as I have been feeling a little frustrated that Mom seems to be working so much lately. But now I know.
When Dad first told me about it, I was in shock. Breast cancer was the farthest thing from my mind, especially given all of her other health problems. My first thought was, "Please, God, don't let my mom die."
Dad says it is very treatable and that the doctors consider it to be more like living with a chronic illness. They said it is important to remain positive. I just don't know how to do that right now. I dread my mom having to undergo possible surgery, chemo and radiation. I don't want her to suffer or to be in pain and it is inevitable.
It's not fair. Mom is supposed to do her clinicals this year to get her LPN degree. That looks like it is going to be completely off the table, whether Mom wants to accept that right now or not. She and Dad have seemed to have a stronger and healthier relationship than they have in years. This is going to add a lot of stress on them and their relationship. It makes me feel so very sad and scared. I don't know what to do to help. I don't want my mom to die. I want to be stubborn and not think that that will happen. But I also don't want to see her loose a breast or her hair. She shouldn't have to go through that. And it sucks because it may have been prompted to come about faster because of the Embrel--a drug that had brought her so much relief from her psoriasis. I don't want that to get all out of control now either. It just really, really sucks.
And then there is that selfish part of me--the part that thinks about myself. This is not a good time for me with all that is going on in my life. It is all just another thing that is sucking away my focus on what I need to be doing. I am angry because I want to be there to support my mom, while I am freaked out about how I am going to be able to manage it all.
I wonder what other crappy thing is out there waiting for me with that superstitious everything comes in three's. I found out my ex got remarried, my mom has cancer, and I don't want to stomach what will be next. When and where is that moment of peace? I think that is why I miss last summer so much. And there was another piece of it somewhere around the first of December.
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