Since moving to Orlando, I have been fortunate to have gone on a few dates. It has been fun meeting new people while attracting the attention of some nice men. One guy wasn't a good match for me. He was a nice guy, just not quite the right fit. Another guy was a lot of fun, but he lives a little ways away on the beach. I get the impression he is still balancing some things in his life and the distance thing does not help that. Or maybe I wasn't a match for him?
But, I am okay with accepting if the fit is just not there in the early phase of dating and then moving onto the next possibility. I think I am improving in that area and not taking it as personal. It is a good thing to feel comfortable in not feeling like I have to settle for an okay fit or good enough. I value wanting there to be more of connection that is satisfying for both people. I want a relationship that I can enjoy and that they enjoy with me. I want to share a life with someone. I want to have fun and look forward to seeing them.
Then with the most recent guy, it's still kind of early and I am trying to take things slowly. I'm trying to return to this approach in general because I think it will help me to get to know the person better to head off getting clouded and confused. Once I am emotionally attached it is easier for me to overlook or forgive behaviors, flaws or synchronicity that is off where it may not be the best match.
I have found myself with that familiar feeling of being tickled when I get to see him. He is easy to talk to about similar interests and what is happening in life. He is kind, open and insightful. However, when we went on a few dates, I found my nerves bubbling up and getting the best of me. I was thinking too much and not in the moment. Panic was setting in and it was freaking me out.
In part, I realize that I feel a little more pressure with dating now than I did before when I lived in Pittsburgh. When I was in Pittsburgh and I first started dating again, it was an adventure. At first I didn't take it too seriously because I figured that if things didn't work out, that I would be leaving after graduation. The plan was to get my degree, get a job and get the heck out of there. Pittsburgh was supposed to be temporary. It was kind of liberating and allowed me to be more in the moment. Then I met and fell in love with RJ, which was not part of the plan. I was coming to a place of happy acceptance that life is not always what you plan and some the best stuff can pop into your life when you least expect it. My thoughts and hopes for my future shifted towards envisioning a life in Pittsburgh with RJ. However, that relationship ended and I became open to leaving town, again. This time it was with a heart with mixed emotions. It was an opportunity to embrace a fresh start, but it meant distance from the people who became my very close friends and confidants. Pittsburgh crept into my heart and I made it my home. It was bitter sweet for me to leave.
Now dating feels more real, like the stakes have been raised and there is less room for error, for heartbreak. It was so difficult for me to live in the same neighborhood as RJ after the relationship ended. There were so many reminders of him. There was a history with A~, but he left town. Part of me is afraid that if things start and end with someone in Orlando, I wouldn't have a place to run. I am afraid of getting hurt again. And I think this is silly. Lots of people start and end relationships where they live and they reestablish themselves. And dating should be fun and it should be an adventure!
Finally, I have been worried that if things got more serious with the most recent guy and if it ended, I'm worried about possibly hurting him. I want to keep things more light and breezy. He has stated that he likes me, but knows and is understanding that I want to take things slowly. But, I don't want to hurt him, and kind of selfishly I don't want to deal with the emotional fallout in how it may impact me. Insert where I know I am being contradictory of myself because I have been angry and suspect that RJ did that very thing to me. It's holding me back, I can feel it and it has been bothering me.
The recent guy is a grown man and makes his own choices. I should not be trying to be responsible for him not getting hurt. We each have a responsibility to be honest and respectful with each other. But, each person is responsible for their own feelings and the risks they take. There is some element of trust in there.
With these realizations, it has helped me to understand what I think is the root of my problem. I am feeling a little better being able to identify my worries. Hopefully, I can let go of them and get back to being more relaxed, present and authentic...to just be me! It's got to be all in to give me, him and us a chance to see if it can begin and to see where it may lead.