Elephant in the Room

Before I started my blog, I found support for IF through a Baby Center forum group.  Each of the ladies that I met there has been successful in expanding their families, which I am sincerely happy for them.  Several of the ladies have even been fortunate to have more than one child.  Overtime as families started to grow, people transitioned away from the forum.  But, many have maintained a connection through Facebook.  It brings me joy to see them happy with their children.  They glow in their love for their children and families.  You can tell from their posts that they are very grateful and do not take for granted their blessings.  Life carries on and life brings challenges, but they handle it with strength and grace.

However, with being in different places in our lives, there has grown some distance.  It is natural to happen.  It is the ebb and flow of time and where we are in life.  But, it can be very lonely being the last of the group without a child.  When the last person had their baby a few years ago, I felt very sad and even jealous and angry at times.  I didn't write about it then because I did not feel like openly having a pitty party for me.  There may have been an entry that had a sentence or two that referenced it.  I edited it out because I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings or push them away.  But, the distance continued to expand either way.  I'm sure there are many reasons.  Sometimes people just have to move on to do their healing from IF.  Priorities obviously and rightfully shift.  There is more common ground with those who are also in the life stage of raising children.

As much as I don't want it to, it hurts.  Sometimes it is more and sometimes it is less.  More often than not, it is less now, but it has taken time.  Then I wonder, when will be the day when everyone is done growing their families?  Will I still be without a child?  Has that day already come to pass?  That will not really be known for quite sometime.  It will just silently happen and only to be determined by looking back to see when it was.

At least I feel like I am in a better place of acceptance now than when I first realized I was the last of the group without child.  And I have found other blogs to read, some parenting after IF, some trying to grow their families and some that are childfree.  Always new people to meet along the way.  Just not sure which way it will be for me.

Up in the Air

Literally and figuratively...spending time on a plane and traveling and what possibilities lay ahead.

August and July have been all over the place as far as my career.  Things seem to be going well with my part-time position in that my work is appreciated by the families and my team.  It feels good to have that kind of success and I am grateful.  My hours have fluctuated up and down and now probably up by a lot, but still not full-time right now.  There have been changes in the company and one of my coworkers took another position.  So, I'm taking it one day at a time and do the best work that I can.

With things still not being full-time, I had followed a couple of promising leads.  However, I have not been successful, but have been SO close.  Both said it was a difficult decision, but want to keep my information on file should something come available.  Fingers crossed!

But for now, I will have to let go.  As I have said before, interviewing gets me dreaming and there is so much that I want in my life, my life with T~.  I would like a steady full-time job, healthcare benefits, retirement benefits, a house, travel, and to be in a place that when we are ready to start trying to have a family that we feel ready and not scrambling for the next steps to get us there.  It is hard getting your hopes up and to then be let down.  I am sad because I really wanted the last position, but it is all out of my control.  I did the very best that I could.  They really liked me, but the other person had just a little more experience in the specific department they were hiring.  It hurts to keep putting yourself out there.

Thankfully, T~ is very supportive and he understands that I need a break.  He admitted that he did not realize how competitive my field really is and underestimated how long it would take to get a full-time job.  Right now, I'm going to focus on my current job and enjoy some normalcy in my life.  It will be nice to focus on my life with T~, make wedding plans and slow down to enjoy life's simple pleasures.  I will accept the peace in my life and the other things will come in time.  I will keep hoping that the things in my daydreams will come in time.  And I will keep reminding myself to be thankful for the blessings in my life.

Then, T~ and I got to get away for a long weekend to go to Gen Con, a gaming convention, where I got to enjoy trying new board games.  It was nice to spend time with T~'s friends, too.  And it was nice to explore more of Indianapolis and be away to relax.  We both needed it and I hope we can plan for more time away soon, even if it is for a weekend.

And finally, between all of this running around, T~ and I decided to look into a new apartment with our lease being up in September.  We have been packing and doing all of the stuff that goes along with moving while trying to keep it loose in case plans changed.  But, as the month wrapped up, most of the stuff that was up in the air is now more clear.  We will be moving to the other side of Orlando, which will greatly help with my commute.  We are looking forward to having our first home together where we move into it as a couple.

January Blur

This is a back dated post.  January in many ways was a very tough month for me (on top of several tough months leading into it).  I don't know how to write about it.  I did everything I could do and I feel I came out stronger and more confident in myself in the end.  However, I'm not working at the hospital.  It was not the right fit.  I took a risk.  But in starting my second career, I need a place that is more established and with more resources in place.  So, I am looking for my next career opportunity.  Please send me prayers and good vibes to find the place I am meant to be and to call home.

In the meantime, I think about what my friend Karen said and what other dear friends have said to me in the past but with a twist.  When one door closes, another one opens.  But sometimes you may have to walk down a hall to find it.  It speaks about having patience and it may take time to find the right job for me. On a good note, I am blessed with supportive friends and family.

Of course, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  That reason may still be showing itself and unfolding.  Only time will tell and I try to free my mind to possibility.

Although, maybe one reason why I came to Orlando was to meet T~.  As a matter of fact, T~ has been amazing.  And despite these challenges, our relationship has grown.  We are fantastic.  He wants me to move in with him and I am.  :)  It feels right and I love him so very much!

Orlando Came Calling

As it turns out, the universe was listening.  I have a job!  It is so great to be able to say that.  I have a job at a new hospital in Orlando as a Child Life Specialist.  It is an amazing opportunity and I am so grateful.  It is exactly the type of position that was the focus of my master's degree. 

At first I was told that they found someone with hospital work experience, but that they wanted to hold onto my resume since they anticipated growth.  Hence the previous posts of disappointment.  I had such a good feeling and had been so hopeful.  So, when I got the call for the offer a few weeks later, it was quite a surprise.  As a matter of fact, when I returned after my second interview, I went shoe shopping to find something to go with my dress for a friend's wedding and found a cute pair of wedge heels.  They were a maybe for a match with the dress, and I ended up deciding on another pair.  But, the shoes were such a good price, and the braided jute accents just said Florida all over them.  I remember thinking to myself, "I don't need two new pairs of shoes, but maybe I should keep them.  They are just so right for Florida."  I took it as a sign that Orlando was calling me.  When I got the initial news, I thought, "No, not the Florida shoes!  I don't want to return the Florida shoes!"  My disappointment in kind of having to return the shoes seemed to reflect just how much I really wanted the job and felt it was right on so many levels.

So, even if all did not unfold as neatly as I may have liked, it is still crazy good that I got the offer and I will be going.  As I said, it is a brand new hospital and everyone is new.  There is a lot of good, positive energy and I cannot wait to begin.  With everything being so new, there is an element of not fully knowing what to expect. 

My friend, Pete, asked me a couple of days ago, "Are you scared? I mean, to move some place totally new and all by yourself?" He said that he thought that I was brave because he has only lived in the same city his whole life and cannot imagine being anywhere else. My friend, Melissa, kind of shared the same sentiment, but in a totally different context in that she is jealous that I have lived in so many different places and highlighted it being a great opportunity.  My knee jerk reaction is, "Yeah, I've done this before."  I will not be totally alone either.  I have cousins and aunts who live in Orlando.  However, if I stop and think about it, I start to wonder what I have really gotten myself into with this new position and move?

The closest that I can come to describing it is that it is like going away for college.  You think you have an idea, but there is so much yet to be discovered and so much that is unanswered.  It is kind of like going in blind, and it is all of what you make of it.  The same could be said for when I went to study in Spain for a semester in college.  I took those risks for me and they worked out well.  I just have to have faith in myself and remind myself that God has a plan for me.  He is leading me somewhere and while it may be challenging at times, I have to trust and believe I am exactly where I need to be right now.  The whole experience of moving to a new city and restarting my career in some place new in of itself is a grand opportunity to really start fresh.  It is exhilarating and scary and hopeful.

I'd almost say it's like restarting my life, but I've been living a new life for quite some time since the infertility and divorce. And I am proud that I have been making a life for myself while rebuilding, going to grad school and searching for a steady full-time job. I have found a pretty good balance of living life in the moment while going with a plan with some fluidity. In the good kind of way, I think this chapter in my life has well illustrated the old adage, "Life is what happens while you are busy planning it."

It's been a whirlwind--or as my hairdresser told me--a cyclone!  During the past three weeks, the offer was made, I accepted the position (with a bit of thinking time to be sure I wasn't being totally rash), began calling/emailing/facebooking to share the news, flew down to Florida to find an apartment, signed a lease, have been packing, made moving arrangements, packed some more, went to a wedding, and have been squeezing in as many good-byes to my Pittsburgh friends and Cleveland friends and family.  I have had hardly a moment to think about it.  Sometimes there are fleeting thoughts and then it is back to work.

I have experienced excitement about moving to Orlando.  And I know that I will miss Pittsburgh, too.  I have made some wonderful, supportive friends here.  I have made memories and will always have a connection to this city.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am happy that I was able to make living in this city my own experience--to really take it back and own it.  There may be some sad things here, but I think the good things far out number them and have greater power.  I have felt a lot of love here.  And I did it when when my whole other life was falling apart.  I invested in myself and those around me who cared.  So, if I can make it in a strange place in the midst of heartbreak and crisis, I can certainly make friends and a home in a new place, as well.  Pray for me and wish me well!  I have felt the love here with my circle of friends on-line and I thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you!

Another funny note--When I went to Orlando for my second interview, I stayed in a hotel next to the one that I stayed in with some of the BBC ladies on that first gathering three and a half years ago!  When I met the ladies there, I never imagined really returning there.  I took that as another sign that I was supposed to be in Florida.  Funny how life works sometimes.