Happy First Wedding Anniversary

Tal and I went to Chicago for the weekend to celebrate our first wedding anniversary!  It was a really nice trip, and a perfect to get away.  We left the house painting, Christmas shopping and end of the year work hustle behind and to be just us together.

We saw a play, Finding Neverland, enjoyed fancy meals, went to the Art Institute of Chicago and perused the Christkindlmarket.  We also went to see a late showing of Magical Beasts and Where to Find Them.  It was a fun weekend.  :)  Tal and I ended the weekend at home eating a replication of the top tier of our wedding cake, which was a surprise for Tal, and we opened gifts where we each gave the other something to do with paper.  It was not planned, but I thought it was sweet that we were thinking along the same lines.

Below are some photos from our wedding day!

Photo Credit: Kristen Nicole

Honeymoon in Hocking Hills

Since we both started new jobs, we did not have a lot of PTO saved up.  However, we went for a long weekend to Hocking Hills and stayed in a cabin.  We hope to plan a longer trip later this year or around our one year anniversary.  But, this weekend was perfect and so glad we took the time to get away as newlyweds!

The mild winter weather was surprisingly lovely.  When booking the cabin, I imagined snow.  But, the weather was perfect for snuggling and venturing outside for hiking.  It was a weekend for romance, good food, time at the spa, a couple of hikes and pursuing the craft stores and antique shops.  It was a quiet time for us away from the world.  It was absolutely cozy, relaxing and lovey!

The New Mr. & Mrs.

We're married!!!

More photos to come, as this was at the end of the night and the only picture that I took.  Oops!  It was beautiful and fun!

Recessional
Carl Goes Up, Up Soundtrack

(I realize the song comes from a movie steeped in infertility, but it just felt right.  There is something very freeing and hopeful about the song.  It  marks the start of a new journey, even if it is not all how you imagined.  Plus, T~ enjoys Pixar films.)

It's Almost Here

While getting everything done before the wedding and in order can be stressful at times, I just stop and pause.  Then I think about walking down the aisle to meet my groom.  Sometimes just listening to the song calms me, and then excites me as I remember that I am marrying a wonderful man whom I love and loves me right back.

A Thousand Years by Christina Perry by The Piano Guys

In the Details

Working on the last details of the wedding, and T~ and I are researching music.  We found the processional song to begin our ceremony as the bridesmaids walk down the aisle.  It tingles with anticipation and excitement.  Love the energy of this song!

We Baught A Zoo by Jonsi

Microblog Mondays

Not a Weirdo, Check

I'm glad I got a couple of comments on my last post because I was feeling a little vulnerable admitting my bristling about marriage and best friends.  I am not saying you can't marry your best friend.  It is just not the only option or that there is something lacking.

I am happy to say I am marrying my partner and lover and adventure mate.  There is mutual love and respect.  We both want this relationship as much as the other person.  There is balance.  I feel we are both in this together, and that seems like a great way to start!

Date Night

Sometimes a song takes you back to a moment.  I want remember this night with T~.  We went to go see Less Than Jake and Reel Big Fish on Tuesday night.  It was part of his Christmas present and I'm happy I could make him happy and share in it with him.

He Asked Me to Marry Him...

And I said yes!!!

I am over the moon happy.  :)  My heart feels so full and I am just bursting and I can hardly put it into words.  I love T~ so very much and I am so happy he loves me so.  We both cried and his proposal was loving and thoughtful and special.

I am so excited for the next steps in our lives together, to share in a life together!  I feel so blessed!

We're going to be getting married!!!

Seashells and Sunshine

Sometimes things seem so perfectly timed, but were unplanned to begin with.  I love when spontaneity makes life feel magical and alive.

Last weekend, a college friend of mine invited T~ and I to join her, her husband and their child at the beach.  They were staying at her dad's beach house for a couple of weeks on a private island along the Gulf of Mexico.  Within a few hours we made the plans and the next day T~ and I drove out to the coast.

It was a lovely weekend and exactly what I needed at just the right time--time with an old friend, a weekend away from home, time at the beach, sharing my friends with T~ and spending time in good company.  It was just the right amount of time spent with good people, nature and taking it easy with no real plans.  I felt relaxed, rejuvenated and free--things I haven't felt in a long time.  And I loved sharing my friends with T~.

One thing that I enjoyed about the weekend was just being lovey with T~.  We had an opportunity or two to go walking on the beach just the two of us.  We had some meaningful conversations.  I shared with T~ that I am tired of waiting to live my life and that I don't want to put things on hold until the rest of life catches up to be just so.  We talked about us and our future and hoped next steps while collecting shells and walking along the surf.  I felt beautiful, content and happy.

January Blur

This is a back dated post.  January in many ways was a very tough month for me (on top of several tough months leading into it).  I don't know how to write about it.  I did everything I could do and I feel I came out stronger and more confident in myself in the end.  However, I'm not working at the hospital.  It was not the right fit.  I took a risk.  But in starting my second career, I need a place that is more established and with more resources in place.  So, I am looking for my next career opportunity.  Please send me prayers and good vibes to find the place I am meant to be and to call home.

In the meantime, I think about what my friend Karen said and what other dear friends have said to me in the past but with a twist.  When one door closes, another one opens.  But sometimes you may have to walk down a hall to find it.  It speaks about having patience and it may take time to find the right job for me. On a good note, I am blessed with supportive friends and family.

Of course, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  That reason may still be showing itself and unfolding.  Only time will tell and I try to free my mind to possibility.

Although, maybe one reason why I came to Orlando was to meet T~.  As a matter of fact, T~ has been amazing.  And despite these challenges, our relationship has grown.  We are fantastic.  He wants me to move in with him and I am.  :)  It feels right and I love him so very much!

A Light Sketch

My mind is playfully dancing around the conversation T~ and I had just before bed last night.  It just kind of floated out there, all innocent like.  My heart is happy and I am in wonder in how simple and natural and easy the conversation started and flowed.  I'm not even really sure exactly when it started, it just happened and was.

T~ and I talked about moving in together.

We have talked in broad terms about our feelings and thoughts about marriage, children and things that bring us fulfillment.  We have talked about wanting to find a partner and share a life with someone special.

This conversation was a dreaming kind of chat or a light sketch about us.  No big or hard details, just feeling it out.  But, the words were said that he wants to share a home with me and I want to share a home with him.  It is all still early, but it was a real conversation with him.

And there is also something important that I've noticed about being with T~ in the last month or so.  I feel calm and confident about our relationship.  There isn't so much worry in trying to guess what he is thinking.  I just ask him and he says it.  There is a mutual transparency in our relationship.  Part of this has been me learning to be more bold and part of it is him.  And the times that we have spent apart, like being out of town visiting family, I have missed him, but I have felt at ease.  In my past relationships I may have felt twisted up, stressed and scared.  However, with T~, I feel secure-- secure in myself, in him and us when we are together and apart from one another.  Again, it is from my own growing, but it is also him.  I feel blessed to be with T~.

Mountian Lions, Tigers and Bears

Well, maybe not Tigers, unless you count that T~ is from Michigan near Detroit and kind of follows them with baseball.

Sometimes there are moments that are intimate and to be shared between two people and those two people alone.  Other times there are moments of clarity that point to something more important, something validating and too fantastic not to share.  And I do not want to forget this moment.

When I went to visit California in June, I asked T~ if he would like to join me.  He was excited about the opportunity to adventure with me to the west coast to northern California.  It was a fantastic trip with visiting family and friends, enjoying the peace of the pristine wilderness and getting to visit the Redwoods.

One evening, I wanted to go and look at the stars away from the campground along the lake.  It would really be a great place to see the vast sky without the noise of light or tops of trees.  My aunts warned it was not the best idea to venture away from the campground at night at this time of year because there were not enough campers with their noise to chase away the bear and mountain lions.  But, it was just too tempting not to try to take a little stroll.

As T~ and I were walking and talking along the road down to the marina, we heard a rustling sound in the dark brush along the side of the path.  We both stopped, looked at each other and confirmed that we both heard the same noise.  I cannot remember who suggested that we should leave, but we were in agreement and quickly pivoted in the other direction.  It was a blur, gut reaction kind of moment where we grabbed each other and ran like mad together.

My first thoughts were run, run, run...fast, fast, fast. 

Then I thought, oh, hope this is not the way I am going to die.  I do not want to be that person who was warned not to go into the woods at night with the woodland animals with their sharp teeth and sharp claws.  I just wanted to look at the stars!

Then as we were still clinging to each other and clumsily running, my heart wanted to melt and I fell in love with T~ all over again.  In a moment of perceived danger, his first instinct was to grab me and run, and mine was to grab him and run.  It was selfless and wonderful and I couldn't help but smile, even if there was the possibility that it would be the end.

At that point T~ and I started to slow and broke the space between us as we continued to jog while holding hands.  We looked back down the road and when we didn't see anything, we slowed again to a fast walk as we approached the campground.  We laughed and hugged and were glad that we made it back safely.

I told T~ I was so touched by his actions and how he handled the situation.  I didn't feel silly for being afraid that it could have been something more lurking the dark.  I commented that if it had been a bear, it probably would have been faster.  And if it had been a mountain lion, we probably would not have even heard it coming.  He joked that he was afraid that since I am a more experienced runner that if he had not held onto me that I would have out paced him and he would have been eaten by the wild animal.  But in seriousness, he wanted me to be safe, for us to be safe.  It meant a lot to me.

In a Sleepy Stupor...

I remember noticing T~ coming back to bed.  As I resettled myself and he joined me in bed, the words just rolled out...

I love you.

Still feeling in a fog of being half awake and half asleep, I felt a moment of surprise with the realization of what I had just said.  There was a prolonged pause and he responded with a confused, "Okay?"  My fuzzy brain was not working with my lips and I mumbled something, but do not recall it being anything really understandable.  Was I talking in my sleep again?

No.  I felt it within me.  It just slipped out.  But, it seemed so natural and effortless.  Too tired to put anymore thought into it, I allowed the heaviness of slumber to creep back over me.

The next morning, I heard T~ stirring in his living room.  I tumbled out of bed and joined him by his chair and computer.  Still feeling the need for a morning stretch in the cozy warmth of bed, I returned to the bedroom and flopped into the covers and he followed.  However, he was much more awake than me.

We snuggled up together as I recalled bits of a bizarre dream I had the night before.  Something about wandering around the streets in a city and trying to find my way while following along a lady and a strange animal.  It had the pointed face of a porcupine, but the body of a very skinny, slinky monkey-kind-of-cat creature.  If it was supposed to be a pet or ferel, I am not sure.  It weaved in and out, but at times you could hold its tail like a cane or a leash before it would then try to slip away again.  T~ softly laughed as I wondered aloud if it was a remnant of the Comic Con from last weekend and that his girlfriend must be a little bit of a weirdo.  He said that seemed about right and I would have to be a little weird to be with him.

Then, I waited to see if he would bring it up while still trying to sort out my thoughts.  My heart ached at the possibility that maybe he heard me, but did not feel the same in return.  When he did not mention it, I then lead into something else that seemed a little strange from the previous night.  I asked if he slept alright, and he mentioned having some tossing and turning.  I said that at one point I noticed him coming back to bed and I may have said something. 

T~'s face lit up with a knowing smile.  He said he wondered if he heard me correctly.  He wasn't sure how to acknowledge it, so he asked, "Okay?"  He said I repeated the words, but wondered if I was talking in my sleep or if I really knew what I had said.  T~ stated it was okay that I said it...then with an added pause..if it was true.  His words seemed laced with a vulnerability.

I told him that I have been thinking it for a while, but it just kind of came out last night.  He smiled with his eyes and said that he has been thinking it for a while, as well.  With a shared breath of relief and happiness, we hugged.

Then he looked at me and said in response to what I had said last night...

I love you, too.

Consumed by School and the Next Step

This week I took the Child Life certification exam. I took it at a testing center online and shortly after pressing the submit button to end the test, I found out that I passed! Many of my friends and family said they didn't have a doubt. I was feeling pretty good about it, too, but just didn't want to count my chickens until they hatched. It was a lot of pressure, given that the exam is only offered twice each year. And the Child Life Council does not share what it takes to get a passing score, so that adds to the anxiety level. So, whew! Glad that is done!

That being said, studying for the test has been taking up much of my free time while looming over my head. I have been preparing for it for almost three months. So, my thesis project has been taking a bit of a back burner and now I need to really get rolling on it. I also went to two professional conferences this fall, both were very beneficial. I have been a busy lady and now that I have taken this weekend to breathe and regroup, I have felt badly that I have not been quite as connected with some of my friends. I've reached out and fortunately I feel they are understanding and I had met a couple of them out last night for some girl time. It was hard to really enjoy it with all that is on my mind, but fully thankful for having that night out.

Now that the test is over, I have my thesis project to complete before graduation. I just want to get through these last weeks and get to the finish line. I feel like at this moment in time my life is almost all about school and I have been feeling a little one-dimentional. It will be so nice to have a normal life again--having free time and having more choice in how I want to fill it. But approaching the end also scares me. Graduation means a lot to me in not just completing a huge educational goal, but it will also be the turning point in which I have the power to really take control of my life again, to get my life back after the divorce.

So with feeling a lot of intense emotions, I decided it would be smart to check-in with my counselor to help me sort things out and regain my footing before this last push. I told him that I am afraid to fail, but I have been trying to break it down into smaller tasks and to not get too far ahead of myself. He said that I am not afraid to fail, but afraid to succeed. He told me, you are succeeding and you are getting to the end and you will have all of these choices and opportunities. I think he has a point. I have been working so hard to just get by and to not get to wrapped up in worring about my future that now it is almost here. I will have to make a choice.

Not only will I need to make a choice in what direction I want to take my career, but that may very well affect my relationship with RJ. Which means I am also going to need to really consider how I feel about him. I don't feel ready for that yet. I feel like I have gotten to a really good place in processing my divorce and the loss of adoption, that I am feeling so much more free. Before now, I knew I was not ready to really think about marriage. And I feel like as I am finishing school, I am getting to that place to have the mental space to really give my relationship more thought. But I am feeling this possible crunch of having to decide sooner, rather than a bit later, depending on when I decide when I want/need to open my job search outside of Pittsburgh.

I do not want to take a job and feel like I am settling after all of my hard work. But then, I may still have some resume building to do regardless. Do I stay or do I go? I don't want to sacrifice my career for a guy after what happened in my marriage. But I don't want to pass up on love if there is potential for a lasting long-term, I want to spend the rest of my life with you kind of relationship.

RJ has also started to question the relationship. We have only started to really begin talking and I am not sure if his mind is made up or if he is scared, too. I could speculate round and round, but I really need to have more conversations with him. But we also need time to just be us. The very bottom line is that I need to decide how I feel about him. And I think there has been part of me that has been putting that thought process off because I am scared to trust in my feelings. Along the way I have been able to say yes there is some pretty fantastic stuff here, so enjoy it and don't over think it. But as time passes, there comes a time when you have to assess the fun and decide if you want to make it last for the long-term.

I have been shaken in trusting myself in how my marriage ended. I felt so certain about making that decision. And looking back, with what I knew then and how I felt, I would not have made a different choice. But my councelor said that I cannot base my decisions in life based on fear of what may happen. I have to trust what I know in that moment in time and make the best choice. Life is not static, it is constantly changing and we have to grow and adapt.

My counselor made a really good point. In life, there is no certainty. You also cannot wait for every part of your life to be perfect either before you act. Say I take a job in another city, there could be budget cuts and I would need to look for work again. Or if I have that awesome job and meet someone, there could be the possibility that they could get a job transfer. I could stay here and choose relationship and something terrible could happen to either one of us. The point is that I cannot plan out every detail or have a back up plan for every case scenario. I have been thinking very rationally about my relationship with RJ, but what I need to do is to consider the heart. I have to look for those moments, the ones when you know everything fits and it feels fluid and full of life, not just going through the motions. I have to re-embrace the feeling part of life and see what it tells me.

But relationships take two people. So, I have to focus on doing my part. Time will tell what RJ will do with his part. And now I am a ball of nerves. And I have to somehow find the focus to get to the business of the last of my work. Yikes!

I Was Doing It Again...

When someone was asking me about RJ and I had finished, they said, "You always smile when you talk about him!"

Then I must have smiled even more because I didn't even realize I was smiling so. It made my heart sing!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Timely Message?

I have a dirty little secret. I go on binges of reading horoscopes. I think it is my ridiculous way of trying to get a little control from the universe, or at least try to glean what it has in store for me.

My love horoscope from yesterday:

You have a strong sense of self and you're not too likely to lose yourself in a relationship. With that in mind, remember that it's okay to become very attached to your loved one. You can be part of a couple and still be an individual.

On the Eve of My First Interview

Tomorrow is my first interview for my summer internship for my master's program. It will be a phone interview, hopefully followed with one that will be in person in a few weeks. I have a phone interview with another hospital on Thursday (for an awesome location--the pipe dream was actually the first to call me to set up an interview). I hope I do well with my interviews and that more are to follow. By the end of February, I should know where I will be for the summer. I am not sure where that will be, as I have yet to get through a round of interviews and then hope for some offers.

But still, it has me thinking. There are times when I get excited about the possibility of doing my internship in a new city. And then there are times that I hope to get an offer from a sensible and strong program that will best align me for a great job when I am done with my studies. And where will that job be? I don't know. That feels like a long ways off, but I am not ready to make a decision just yet. And right now, I don't. A lot can happen between now and when I plan to graduate in December.

I am trying very hard not to get ahead of myself and to stay focused on living in the present. I have to pay attention to the now, remember to breathe and go with the flow. And when I talk about going with the flow, I don't mean that mindless, waiting for life to happen. I'm talking about not fighting what is not in my control right now and seeing how life unfolds before I need to take action. I do believe that things happen for a reason, but I also feel that we have some influence on the direction our lives take. It is a matter of knowing the timing--when to push and when to pull back.

And trust me, RJ is in the mix of my thoughts. I get lost in the daydreams of all of the possibilities. Do I pursue satisfaction and purpose in my career or follow the lure of love and relationship? I could end up with both. A lot can happen and time will tell.

I Had the Courage...

to say those three little words.


And he said them back!


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