Dark Side Before Venturing into TTC

Okay, I've been avoiding my blog.  There has been something on my mind and I have been afraid to write about it.

First, with open enrollment at work for healthcare choices and tax savings accounts, it has gotten me thinking about how to afford a child while paying for daycare.  Staying home is not a very likely option.  Family is far way, so we cannot ask my parents to help out a few days a week.  The cost of daycare scares me, let alone getting a child into one after hearing horror stories of wait lists and non-refundable wait list costs, some that you still have to pay even if the daycare center does not eventually have an opening.  Let alone the rules.  We would only need part-time daycare as Tal and I work different shifts and my schedule rotates.  During the week, we would need about three days for four or five hours each.  But some places require that you pay for all five days.  Would we be lucky enough to find a daycare or private daycare provider who would be okay with a rotating schedule?  I know I'm putting the cart way before the horse.  But, you have to have some kind of plan before you try to have a child.  Or at least me.

Those worries led to worries about quantity and quality of time with a possible future child.  Working second shift makes it tricky.  But, there are other people who work second shift and have families.  It is doable.  Right?  I really like my job and I feel like it is a good fit.  That is also important.  Right?  Then, I'd feel guilty if I would not be spending enough time with a possible future child.  Would I be being selfish having a child and working the hours I'm working?  I think it could work and be okay for the first few years before they would go to school.  By then maybe there could be an opening for a position with more nine to five?  A lot can change.

Also, I guess part of me is somewhat grieving the loss of not being able to stay home to raise my child.  I always wanted that, more so than anything else.  As a little girl, the first thing I wanted to be was a mom.  People laughed at me or would tell me that was not what I really wanted to be.  I loved my mom and felt so loved by her that I wanted to be a mommy and take care of a child so they could feel as loved as I felt as a little girl.  As I realized that "mom" wasn't the answer people were looking for, I expanded my list to include teacher, ballerina and artist.  Don't get me wrong, I liked the idea of those, too. But, after I would say those things, I'd secretly tell myself..."and a mom."

So with lots of hard thinking about how to puzzle it all out with the logistics of having a child and making time to spend with a child, it got me thinking some more.  This is where the darkest question and fear loomed.  What if after all of this, if we had a child, what if we regretted it??  What if parenting was harder than we thought, like really harder than we thought?

Ugh.  I don't even want to admit that question crossed my mind.  It makes me feel like a horrible person.  Does it make me less deserving to be a parent?

I just don't want to screw it up.  I am afraid of being so stressed out that I will be a terrible mom, wife or person.  I do not want to lose me.  I do not want to be totally consumed by parenthood.  Life would change, no doubt.  Priorities would rightfully shift.  How do people do it?

With all of these thoughts running in my mind, I came across a blog from Mel's Friday Round-up.  Actually, it was part of the second helpings.

My response to "Women Who Wish They'd Never Had Kids" and "Why Parents Hate Parenting," by The Unexpected Trip

That blog and links within it led down a wormhole of some very raw, very hard realizations and insights shared by those who do regret having a child.  It is so sad, and my heart feels for those who have disclosed some very dark thoughts.  I don't want to be one of those people...one of those that is completely overwhelmed by parenthood or bitter or resentful.  No, so sad.  I do not want to judge people and I guess it is good for them to have an outlet to express themselves, but still sad.  As the author of the post that reflects on all of these links about parenting, maybe it is healthy for parents to have space to process feelings, all feelings, as a way to heal and carry forward.

How do people do it?  Maybe I am thinking too much.  I just don't want to be holding the experience of parenthood up to wildly, impossible standards then have it all come crashing down.

Then this post popped up on my Facebook feed.

10 Dark Parenting Truths We Never Talk About, by Kristen Oganowski

And while the author tackled some of the dark sides of parenting, she somehow made it less scary.  There are truths in her words.  And it is what it is, but real and with love.  Life with or without children, is different...not better or worse, but different.

Unwitting Wishes, Maybe?

Tal* smiled and said, "You know, whenever you talk about our future kid, you always say him."

"Oh.  Really?"  It took me by surprise, and I chuckled.

We were talking about our work schedules and the possibility of a new position opening up in my department.  I work second shift and that is not so kid friendly.  While the new position may get me home slightly earlier, I would lose some of that time with a longer commute.  More importantly, the hours are not guaranteed as they may be adjusted based on need and I could end up with the same schedule.  Better to stick with the known for now.

But, it is still kind of funny to me that in our conversations about a possible future child that my default is boy.  In my mind's eye it flips back and forth between a girl or a boy. Although, what comes tumbling out when I speak is boy.  Hmm...

*I'm switching to referring to my hubby as Tal because typing the tilde following T is a bit annoying and old.

To Plan or Not To Plan

This week, a blog post by The Polka-Dot Umbrella really resonated with me.  It was titled Where Making Plans and Infertility Intersect.  The author was able to put into words things that I have had related thoughts.

She talks about the emotional pain of infertility and the difficulty of helping others to understand.  But she also experiences a breakthrough with her cousin because they are able to stick with the conversation to get to the meat of understanding what the other is asking and trying to express.  It is a moment of the joining of two minds for deeper clarity and understanding.

She also talks about the difficult struggle of work-life balance when the life part is also trying to balance maybe baby and living the life you have now.  It is a lot to juggle.  You want a career and a child.  You don't want to feel like you have to pick one.  It is hard to just pick baby at the cost of your career if baby never comes.

The part that spoke most to me was after sometime, "you stop making plans.  You stop putting your life on hold for something that may never happen."  For me, I am trying very hard to live the life I have now.  I don't want to miss out on what is going on around me for something that may not come to be.  But, what makes it so hard to let go is the fear that if I "stop" hoping for a child, then it will just not ever happen...that somehow I must not have wanted it badly enough.

The logical part of my brain knows this is not true.  But, my heart struggles.  It wants to hope a hope that is real and full, but not so loudly that it drowns out all else around it.  Just because I want to temper this hope or place it on a temporary shelf doesn't mean the I want it any less.  My life just needs to be more than.

Chess Game

I have a little bit of a tendency to get ahead of myself sometimes.  I worry easily.  In my last post, I eluded to what has been occupying my thoughts.

Life can sometimes feel like a chess game, where it seems important to set yourself up towards getting closer to your dreams.  The dream is possible motherhood and I worry about time.  T~ and I will be getting married in December and I am very happy.  I don't want to rush into trying to have a family, but time is limited.  On top of that, I am not quite where I would like to be in terms of my career.  I'm getting there, but I would feel much more comfortable if the status was a bit more permanent.  I want to be in a position to more comfortably provide for a child.

But, it is also for my feeling secure.  T~ is open to me working part-time and figuring it out.  But for me, having been through divorce, I do not feel comfortable possibly giving up my career for a child.  I left my full-time job in my past marriage when we started trying to have a family (the timing fell into place with him transferring out of state and I just finished the school year--I did not just up and quit--this was also just as the recession was rolling in and we moved to state with an over saturation of teachers), and then he left me.  I went back to school, and now I'm building a second career.  I do not feel any doubts about T~ and his commitment to me and to us.  I just worry about other terrible what if's.  The job market is very competitive and tight right now.  You don't really get an infinite number of chances.  There are times I wonder if I should have stayed with teaching.  It would have been the safe choice.  But then, I would not have met T~, and I was following my heart.  And he is wonderful and makes me feel happy.  I just hate being in a place of limbo.  I'm trying to be okay with where I am, but it can be difficult.  Also, I just don't want to end up in a place where I feel like I have to choose between child or career.  It feels like there is little room for error.

It is stressing me out.  I feel like if I don't get all of my ducks in a row in the next two or three years, then my chance at motherhood will quickly pass.  And even if it all works out like I hope, it is no guarantee for a baby.

So then I try to refocus my thoughts on the present and remember to be happy with what I have in my life.  It is not easy when you are a planner.