I have a little bit of a tendency to get ahead of myself sometimes. I worry easily. In my last post, I eluded to what has been occupying my thoughts.
Life can sometimes feel like a chess game, where it seems important to set yourself up towards getting closer to your dreams. The dream is possible motherhood and I worry about time. T~ and I will be getting married in December and I am very happy. I don't want to rush into trying to have a family, but time is limited. On top of that, I am not quite where I would like to be in terms of my career. I'm getting there, but I would feel much more comfortable if the status was a bit more permanent. I want to be in a position to more comfortably provide for a child.
But, it is also for my feeling secure. T~ is open to me working part-time and figuring it out. But for me, having been through divorce, I do not feel comfortable possibly giving up my career for a child. I left my full-time job in my past marriage when we started trying to have a family (the timing fell into place with him transferring out of state and I just finished the school year--I did not just up and quit--this was also just as the recession was rolling in and we moved to state with an over saturation of teachers), and then he left me. I went back to school, and now I'm building a second career. I do not feel any doubts about T~ and his commitment to me and to us. I just worry about other terrible what if's. The job market is very competitive and tight right now. You don't really get an infinite number of chances. There are times I wonder if I should have stayed with teaching. It would have been the safe choice. But then, I would not have met T~, and I was following my heart. And he is wonderful and makes me feel happy. I just hate being in a place of limbo. I'm trying to be okay with where I am, but it can be difficult. Also, I just don't want to end up in a place where I feel like I have to choose between child or career. It feels like there is little room for error.
It is stressing me out. I feel like if I don't get all of my ducks in a row in the next two or three years, then my chance at motherhood will quickly pass. And even if it all works out like I hope, it is no guarantee for a baby.
So then I try to refocus my thoughts on the present and remember to be happy with what I have in my life. It is not easy when you are a planner.