I have a little bit of a tendency to get ahead of myself sometimes. I worry easily. In my last post, I eluded to what has been occupying my thoughts.
Life can sometimes feel like a chess game, where it seems important to set yourself up towards getting closer to your dreams. The dream is possible motherhood and I worry about time. T~ and I will be getting married in December and I am very happy. I don't want to rush into trying to have a family, but time is limited. On top of that, I am not quite where I would like to be in terms of my career. I'm getting there, but I would feel much more comfortable if the status was a bit more permanent. I want to be in a position to more comfortably provide for a child.
But, it is also for my feeling secure. T~ is open to me working part-time and figuring it out. But for me, having been through divorce, I do not feel comfortable possibly giving up my career for a child. I left my full-time job in my past marriage when we started trying to have a family (the timing fell into place with him transferring out of state and I just finished the school year--I did not just up and quit--this was also just as the recession was rolling in and we moved to state with an over saturation of teachers), and then he left me. I went back to school, and now I'm building a second career. I do not feel any doubts about T~ and his commitment to me and to us. I just worry about other terrible what if's. The job market is very competitive and tight right now. You don't really get an infinite number of chances. There are times I wonder if I should have stayed with teaching. It would have been the safe choice. But then, I would not have met T~, and I was following my heart. And he is wonderful and makes me feel happy. I just hate being in a place of limbo. I'm trying to be okay with where I am, but it can be difficult. Also, I just don't want to end up in a place where I feel like I have to choose between child or career. It feels like there is little room for error.
It is stressing me out. I feel like if I don't get all of my ducks in a row in the next two or three years, then my chance at motherhood will quickly pass. And even if it all works out like I hope, it is no guarantee for a baby.
So then I try to refocus my thoughts on the present and remember to be happy with what I have in my life. It is not easy when you are a planner.
Oh, this all felt very familiar to me despite not having lived this particular situation. I'm a planner. I like knowing things. I think through all the what ifs.
ReplyDeleteI think the only thing you can do is know this about yourself and deep breathe. Oh, and keep taking steps forward, always doing what makes you comfortable.
Thank you, Mel, for your understanding as a person who is also a planner. You are right. It is important to remember to breathe and make the best choices with what I have available--what is known and what is within my control.
DeleteI can so relate to this, being a planner (possibly an obsessive, highly rigid one) as well. It is nearly impossible to not try to see into your future, but I think it's smart to think about the experiences that have brought you to where you are today (good and bad), what you've learned about yourself through them, and how that can help guide your decisions. You can be happy where you are AND think about your future together, family and career and all the things that are so hard to balance. Use your knowledge to help you make those big decisions, and try to be happy now with the happiness you're enjoying with T and as a nearly-newlywed. I always have such a hard time focusing on the now, always stretching for the next big event. It's a hard thing to let go of. I'm much more comfortable with a plan, but I'm trying to be looser about it. I wish you so much happiness in this new adventure, and peace with the all the decisions you need to make (and peace with the decisions you've already made). Mel's advice is so sound to deep breathe and move forward. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess--making peace with the past and moving forward is important. Sometimes it bubbles back up to the surface and just have to let it go again. It is difficult, but I have made improvements in becoming more adaptable and going with the flow. Breathing is always good. :)
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