Kaleidoscope 2

Photo Credit:  H. Pellikka, March 2005, Link

"Life is like an ever-shifting kaleidoscope--a slight change, and all patterns alter." -- Sharon Salzberg

As of late, it seems best to follow my heart, to make the best decisions I can with what is known to me, and to go my own path.  It is a mindful balance of prioritization and living in the present.  Know that plans are just plans, and they will bend, evolve and change.  And for that which you cannot plan will somehow fall into place, that life has a way of making room and figuring it out as it comes.  One has to be brave to trust, and one has to be trusting to let go and see where it takes you.

Microblog Mondays

Up in the Air

Literally and figuratively...spending time on a plane and traveling and what possibilities lay ahead.

August and July have been all over the place as far as my career.  Things seem to be going well with my part-time position in that my work is appreciated by the families and my team.  It feels good to have that kind of success and I am grateful.  My hours have fluctuated up and down and now probably up by a lot, but still not full-time right now.  There have been changes in the company and one of my coworkers took another position.  So, I'm taking it one day at a time and do the best work that I can.

With things still not being full-time, I had followed a couple of promising leads.  However, I have not been successful, but have been SO close.  Both said it was a difficult decision, but want to keep my information on file should something come available.  Fingers crossed!

But for now, I will have to let go.  As I have said before, interviewing gets me dreaming and there is so much that I want in my life, my life with T~.  I would like a steady full-time job, healthcare benefits, retirement benefits, a house, travel, and to be in a place that when we are ready to start trying to have a family that we feel ready and not scrambling for the next steps to get us there.  It is hard getting your hopes up and to then be let down.  I am sad because I really wanted the last position, but it is all out of my control.  I did the very best that I could.  They really liked me, but the other person had just a little more experience in the specific department they were hiring.  It hurts to keep putting yourself out there.

Thankfully, T~ is very supportive and he understands that I need a break.  He admitted that he did not realize how competitive my field really is and underestimated how long it would take to get a full-time job.  Right now, I'm going to focus on my current job and enjoy some normalcy in my life.  It will be nice to focus on my life with T~, make wedding plans and slow down to enjoy life's simple pleasures.  I will accept the peace in my life and the other things will come in time.  I will keep hoping that the things in my daydreams will come in time.  And I will keep reminding myself to be thankful for the blessings in my life.

Then, T~ and I got to get away for a long weekend to go to Gen Con, a gaming convention, where I got to enjoy trying new board games.  It was nice to spend time with T~'s friends, too.  And it was nice to explore more of Indianapolis and be away to relax.  We both needed it and I hope we can plan for more time away soon, even if it is for a weekend.

And finally, between all of this running around, T~ and I decided to look into a new apartment with our lease being up in September.  We have been packing and doing all of the stuff that goes along with moving while trying to keep it loose in case plans changed.  But, as the month wrapped up, most of the stuff that was up in the air is now more clear.  We will be moving to the other side of Orlando, which will greatly help with my commute.  We are looking forward to having our first home together where we move into it as a couple.

Wanting to Know the Secret

As I believe I have mentioned before, there are times when I am drawn towards articles about relationships, especially after having been through divorce.  At first, I read them to try to glean reasons why my past relationship ended in divorce.  Then I read them when I began dating to learn more about beginning new relationships and to reset my expectations as I embraced dating as an adventure.  But, eventually I wanted to come to a place in my life that I would be ready and wanting marriage with that right special person.  I am hopeful for that with T~.



So, now the relationship articles that catch my eye are more about how to have loving, fulfilling long-term relationships.  There was one, which of course I cannot find now, that was about the secrets of older couples and the common characteristics their relationships had.  I want be married again, and when I do, I want it to last.  But, as I read this article, I could not help but be reminded of my relationship with my previous husband.  I felt sad because at some point I thought he was my best friend.  Briefly, my feelings of grief returned with a faint longing of having hoped it would have worked.  It is not at all that I want it back or him, it was more of a feeling of mourning something lost.  I did not like these feelings or that I thought about my previous husband when reading the article.



After a few weeks, I decided that feelings get stirred up now and again.  And more importantly, it takes time to build a foundation for a solid relationship with depth.  It is more about knowing that I want that with T~, and that it will take time to get there.  Life is not a race, but a journey and one that I want to share with T~.  I have decided to focus on what I am thankful for in my relationship with T~ now and what I appreciate about him.  He is loving, patient and kind.  He pays attention and is thoughtful and sensitive.  He makes me laugh and loves to surprise me.  I am so thankful he is in my life!  I hope I am doing the same for him so that he feels loved and supported, too.

The Rocked Boat

I feel so confused about RJ. I am not entirely sure how I feel about him. I'm not sure if I have been holding back emotionally and not fully admitting to myself how much he means to me because of fear of being wrong and having to face rejection. Or I just might have needed all of this time to get my life in order to wake up and say, "Hey, what do I really want out of this relationship?" While there have been times that I grow increasingly aware that I have not been 100% in the relationship, the part that has been aware has been participating as fully as possible. And I think that in some ways that is how it goes with a relationship, that as time continues, you give a little more. As I become more aware of my own restrictions influenced from past experiences, I reflect, find resolve, and move forward.

But the thing that has been lacking is equal reciprocation in the effort into the relationship--or maybe it feels somehow inconsistent or missing in meeting each other more fully in the moment at the same time--something is off. I felt like the summer was tough in being apart, naturally. But I felt that we were reconnecting in September and by the beginning of October I was feeling content. I was happy in the relationship, even if I wasn't ready to really evaluate it. I just wanted to enjoy being in the moment with RJ and just see where it lead. I knew I was not ready to make a desicion and that there was still too much up in the air to give our relationship any considerations for future forward progress.

But then sometime in October and throughout November, things seemed to wane. RJ has not felt fully engaged in the time that we have been spending together. The spark inside of him seems to be dwindling or is inconsistent. It is like someone blew out some of the candles and suddenly, I don't know where his feelings went. I know I have been under a lot of stress, which he says weighs heavily on him. He also has his own stress.

I wanted some guy perspective, so I talked to my dad. My dad said that neither one of us is in the head space right now to think clearly to make any decisions about the relationship. My dad thinks that RJ is trying to give me the space that I need to finish my work. My dad said that once this is done, it will be better. Better in the way that we won't have grad school hanging over us and maybe I will be able to have more room to figure out how I feel about RJ.

My dad also said there are two kinds of guys out there. One knows what he feels, trusts it and when he wants the relationship with a woman, he is going to make it work. It doesn't matter if there is stress around in other domains of his life, he is just going to deal with it with his woman and it is being together that matters most. The second guy wants to feel settled and stable in his life before adding a woman to his life. If his life is unstable, especially in career and finance, he will want to wait before taking on the responsibility of relationship because he wants to be sure that those other areas do not detract his attention and efforts of cultivating and maintaining the relationship with his woman.

So, now I need to put all of this relationship stuff on the side temporarily and finish my school work. Hopefully, now that I have it all written out, it can be out of my head for just a bit.