Saturday, July 13, 2013


I don't like to think of myself as a superstitious kind of person.  But if I am honest with myself, I kind of am.  And I think my experiences with IF have probably amplified it.  Irrational fear?  A willingness to do or to avoid things that you think will influence an outcome?  Unrelated efforts and events, but trying to gain some semblance of control?  Maybe.

As an example, while my former husband and I were looking into adoption, we did not decorate the designated bedroom as a nursery for our one day hoped child .  In fact, we did not put anything inside of it.  The room was completely bare, beige carpet, white walls and an empty closet.  The room remained empty out of fear that if we had decorated the room in preparation for a baby that the baby would never come.  We also did not want to have to look at the constant reminder that our home, our arms and our hearts were feeling empty.  However, the vacant room kind of did that, too, but maybe it felt like it would hurt less...if that could be possible.  In addition, it was an act of defiance in that if we put anything else inside of it, like a spare bed or odds and ends, that the dream would be lost.  We feared that by giving the room another purpose, even if temporary, that the clutter could also chase away the possibility of a baby.  Oh, IF and its paralyzing inaction, whether by choice or not.

So, keeping this illogical, superstitious thought process in mind, it has served as a reason an excuse for not writing the second part in an intended two part post.  I was originally going to write it that same month when I realized that the first post was so long.  Plus, it seemed deserving of telling not just one side of a story, but the layers of stories within one.  Several months passed and it felt like I had waited too long and the posts would be disconnected.  Plus, I had moved and was getting settled in a new city.  So then the next plan was to write it a year later, but other things happened and I was feeling grumpy and felt the need to express those feelings.  My brain was not in a place to give the second part its true attention.  Next, I figured I could tie it into another holiday in June.  But, I was in California and chasing Big Foot and got a little distracted.

Funny thing though, this superstitious behavior has been reinforced yet again!  My friend, Diane, posted something on Facebook about some recent to love the government and all of their paperwork and great organizational skills.  (I'm sorry, is the second half of that sentence dripping with sarcasm?  Oh wait, I'm not sorry.)  After feeling sad and angry for my friend and sending her words of support for something that should hopefully be resolved soon, I had a wave of other emotions.  Yes, these feelings were very me-centered, but at least they came secondary.  These were feelings of nonsensical validation and relief...Aha!  I knew there was a reason why I waited to write that post!  So, I am giving myself permission to wait to write part two and will work on the draft in the mean time.

Have you ever had a post that you had always wanted to write or to finish?  Did it feel like it just kept coming back to you, just needing to be completed?  I think there may be hints of needing closure, but having difficulty facing some underlying feelings, too.  It's the double-edge sword, you know it will be good, but that it may also hurt, too.  And it is okay to feel happy and sad at the same time.  Feelings are not selfish.  They just are.  It is what you do with them that is important.

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