Mopey March

Hopefully, this is the last retrospective post for a while.  I want to get back into writing more regularly.  I feel better when I do write.  It is cathartic.

So, March highlights:

• Still looking for employment and on the roller coaster ride of highs and lows of the job leads.  It is always a good idea to do your research while filling out applications and when preparing for interviews.  But in that research process, I start to picture my life in the alternate possibility and I get my hopes up.  It helps to build my confidence up, get excited about the position and I interview better.  However, when I learn an answer is no, it is very sad for me.  I try to remind myself to take a deep breath and to keep trying.
• Life has felt imbalanced in that I feel like I am always working--trying to find a job, going to appointments for my arm and moving.  Super happy to be moving in with T~, but moving is stressful.  It is not uncommon for people to revert to old patterns or habits when they are under stress.  I found myself unnecessarily walking on eggshells wanting T~ to be happy.  He noticed the overcompensation and thankfully called me on it in a loving, kind way.  I told him I realized that I was feeling apprehensive about being happy about us moving in together because it was almost like waiting for the other shoe to drop.  So many times in my life has it seemed that good things were on the horizon or within my grasp for a short time only to fall apart or to be taken away.  Fear is a terrible thing and I am trying to let it go and be more trusting that life is going to turn out okay.
• I have found myself pulling away from people.  I get the feeling that I want to crawl into a hole and hide.  My pride is hurt and I feel embarrassed.  But, when I do spend time with friends and family, I feel better and refreshed.  I am grieving leaving my last job because I miss the good work I was doing, miss my co-workers and had hoped for so much--especially because I had hoped they would start hospital school services.  But, other parts of it were not a good fit.  I know that and take comfort in those that share how much they valued me as being part of the team.  I am thankful for their support as I find my next position.
• Leaving my apartment was emotional.  It never really felt like home.  I liked my first apartment in Orlando better.  It felt more like home and had many more happy memories there.  This last apartment was during a change in the tide, one that I was hopeful would bring many good changes.  Then my career took a different turn and I am sad about that.  However, my relationship with T~ continued to grow.  But in the process of searching for a new job, I feel like some aspects of my life with T~ are being put on hold or constrained.  It is not easy, but I am thankful for our love.  Moving in with him is a blessing, both for us and closure.
• I was also crazy sick with a terrible bug for almost two weeks right during prime moving time.  It was really hard to lay off of packing to let myself rest before the final push.  Thankfully there was help!
• Finally got to see a specialist about my shoulder!  Back at PT, but with a group associated with a hospital.  It seems that I injured my arm to a greater extent than what was initially thought.  Because I am flexible and somewhat double jointed, my shoulder snapped back into place when most people would have torn it or broken it.  Not me.  It is thought that I not only strained ligaments, tendons and muscles, but also blood vessels and nerves.  This means probably a recovery that is twice as long.  But at least I feel that I am getting proper care.  That is huge, especially because I haven't been able to sleep without pain for about six months.
• Then finally, finally--to end on a happy note--I was fortunate to do some volunteer work for a week.  It has been something I have wanted to do for a while and now grateful to be able to do so.  It was a wonderful life experience that demonstrates the power of humanity to be part of something greater--with meaning, joy and purpose.

March has been about taking it one day at a time, setting small goals and moving forward.