My blog is in a state of flux. Sometimes I question if I have more to write, but then a post comes to mind and it goes on the page. It sometimes feels like a trickle. It is not so much that I am dealing with immediate IF issues. I have used this space to process and grieve what once was my battle with IF. Now it feels like I am grappling with the left over reverberation, such as how this has all impacted my parents and family. They have been marked and hurt by the process and sometimes hurt for me in what could have been. It is sometimes unspoken and more with a knowing sigh or glance. Pandora's box has been opened and there is no going back to how it was before IF invaded our lives. It has left a hole and there is no undoing of that want and dream of a child my own. That chapter in my life has closed and the loss is still felt.
But, there are new chapters yet to be written and a child could still be a possibility. There is a chance that a new dream of a new child could be born. However, until that time, I am in a space of in between where I must find a way to live in the present.
And it is in this space of in between that I am trying to find peace and happiness and freedom.
So, where do I look for support? It is a really, really small niche in the IF community. As of yet, I have only really found two other blogs where a person was once married and dealing with IF and got divorced and were still of an age to be able to conceive a child potentially. One stopped her blog shortly thereafter and the other remarried, but then her life quickly took a turn as she faced breast cancer. This second blog has been very validating for me in a retrospective kind of way before the writer learned of her illness. And she continues to be inspiring in framing what is most important in life. Her situation made her have to get off the IF roller coaster. Then how she documented her journey put things in a different perspective. Her blog also helped me through my mom's treatments for breast cancer as the blogger was a few steps ahead of my mom in her treatments and it kind of prepared me for what was next. lt helped me to focus on my current blessings and helped me find clarity in prioritizing what I want in my life.
So, I continue to look for ways to help me deal with the current childlessness in my life because if I do not, I may get stuck in my sadness and grief. I need to find a way to live my life now and be happy. The places I find myself more so lately are the blogs of those living childfree. Perhaps there is something for me to learn from them to help me manage during this chapter in my life. It is not that I am giving up hope on having a child, just trying to find a way to peaceably live until it may be time to dream that dream.
This really spoke to me today. I am about to file for divorce and while a part of me knows that it is better that we never had kids - I hate that I am not a mother right now. Where do I go from here? Will my eggs still be good by the time I find a new partner? Should I just pursue being a SMC?
ReplyDeleteWhat I find so hard right now is living in the present and not looking too far ahead. I love to plan and focusing on the now is difficult.
I also try to recognize how good I have it right now - great family and friends and a job I love where I make decent money. It's not all gloom and doom.
'For it is not joy that makes us grateful, it is gratitude that makes us joyful."
- David Steindl-Rast
I know how hard this journey has been for you. Often we don't see how it affects our families and our relationships with our families. As much as they want this for you (and for themselves), what they really want, is for you to be happy. Happy in the journey that you are currently taking. It's so hard for "planners" like us to live in the moment and not look ahead, with anticipation or grief. I thought of you the other day when I saw a quote that said, "The moment you're ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens. Don't give up." This quote spoke VOLUMES to me, as I had seriously thought about giving up my quest for a child on my way to the hospital to see my sister-in-law's new baby. I actually said the words out loud, "I'm done. We're done. I need to stop." And then our miracle came. If I have learned anything from going through my sister's breast cancer issues, it's do your best to live in the moment, enjoy the time you have with friends and family, because tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. God has already determined your path and He will lead you to it. Just pray and listen. Easy to say, hard to do. Remember that we are all here to go on this journey with you, no matter where the path leads. XOXO
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ren, for reading my post. I am sorry that you are going through divorce. I hope you are taking time to heal and are supported by those who love you during this time. Be kind and patient with yourself. Invest in yourself so that when you are ready to put yourself back into the world of romantic relationship that you are able to put your best self out there to attract a partner whom is worthy of your love and trust. Take it one day at a time. Give yourself the space to mourn the lost dreams so you can be free and dream new dreams. Great to focus on the positive!
ReplyDeleteHello Diane, dear friend! Yes, living in the moment is what I working hardest to do. And with time I am getting better practiced in it. It is all in His hands. I'm just trying to find that mental balance. And I have been cognizant of how my divorce and IF have impacted my family. It was something that I felt guilty about early on with my divorce. I have worked on letting that go and have talked about it with them. I have been blessed with parents who never harped on having grandchildren, which helped during IF and with the divorce. And in some ways made it harder because they didn't demand grandchildren--it is their selflessness in understanding it is not about them and it is not up to us if children come into our lives that it stings more because they get it. As time passes it the guilt has been replaced with a longing sadness for them. My parents deserve to be grandparents and my time to give them that is slipping away.