Moments of Mourning

Yesterday was an unexpectedly bad day.  But then, maybe not.  Maybe I've been trying to hold the emotions at bay, or maybe I've been distancing them until I could make sense of them.

Mother's Day is coming and my mind has been on the twins.  They would be three by now.

As I was driving to work, I just could not stop crying.  The tears rolled down my cheeks and I just let them come and wash over me...while on this rare occasion being thankful for the traffic along my way to work that extended my drive to a long 45 minutes.

I hate feeling so sick about Mother's Day.  On top of that, add a layer of guilt.  I will not be spending the day with my mom because she is working all day and lives in a different state.  But my  mom said not to worry because it is like she is getting two Mother's Days this year.  I was with my family last weekend celebrating my sister's college graduation.  (Yea, Kara!)  Then, I will be returning to Cleveland to run in the half-marathon and going to my god daughter's birthday party next weekend.  So, all good family time.  :)

Today was better.  Maybe some of it is out of my system.  I felt frustrated because March came and went without the emotional roller coaster this year.  I took this as a sign of progress.  It is not to say that I don't think about them, but it didn't hurt so much...until yesterday.  I miss and grieve the opportunity to be their mother.  My heart aches and I so want to be a mother.  I know I would be a good mother.  But I just don't only want children.  I want a child to share with a man with whom I love, in a life that we build together...and that would be a blessing because the relationship is the priority.

And I need to be patient with myself.  Grief is a process.  It will always be there, but less each time it surfaces while showing new meaning or taking a different shape.  Feel it, embrace it, honor it and then let it go again and again.

So, I take down those hopes for having a child and put them on another shelf while I continue to reorganize my life.  I need to be able to take care of myself first...have a full-time job.  Then I need to have the space to meet someone special with time to nurture the relationship.  And I go back to the grind of searching and finding that next place in my career.  I've been working really hard and meeting a lot of great people doing great things for children in the hospital and educational fields.  Something has to open up soon.