Yesterday was an unexpectedly bad day. But then, maybe not. Maybe I've been trying to hold the emotions at bay, or maybe I've been distancing them until I could make sense of them.
Mother's Day is coming and my mind has been on the twins. They would be three by now.
As I was driving to work, I just could not stop crying. The tears rolled down my cheeks and I just let them come and wash over me...while on this rare occasion being thankful for the traffic along my way to work that extended my drive to a long 45 minutes.
I hate feeling so sick about Mother's Day. On top of that, add a layer of guilt. I will not be spending the day with my mom because she is working all day and lives in a different state. But my mom said not to worry because it is like she is getting two Mother's Days this year. I was with my family last weekend celebrating my sister's college graduation. (Yea, Kara!) Then, I will be returning to Cleveland to run in the half-marathon and going to my god daughter's birthday party next weekend. So, all good family time. :)
Today was better. Maybe some of it is out of my system. I felt frustrated because March came and went without the emotional roller coaster this year. I took this as a sign of progress. It is not to say that I don't think about them, but it didn't hurt so much...until yesterday. I miss and grieve the opportunity to be their mother. My heart aches and I so want to be a mother. I know I would be a good mother. But I just don't only want children. I want a child to share with a man with whom I love, in a life that we build together...and that would be a blessing because the relationship is the priority.
And I need to be patient with myself. Grief is a process. It will always be there, but less each time it surfaces while showing new meaning or taking a different shape. Feel it, embrace it, honor it and then let it go again and again.
So, I take down those hopes for having a child and put them on another shelf while I continue to reorganize my life. I need to be able to take care of myself first...have a full-time job. Then I need to have the space to meet someone special with time to nurture the relationship. And I go back to the grind of searching and finding that next place in my career. I've been working really hard and meeting a lot of great people doing great things for children in the hospital and educational fields. Something has to open up soon.