It angers and frustrates me that infertility is a lingering part of me. I'd like to say it is not. Any admission that I still think about it from time to time, whether a fleeting passing of grief or a moment that triggers a deeper pain, I just want it behind me. It does not define who I am, but it has shaped me. Writing about it is difficult because it is easy to fall into that false belief that I should just be over it--the same kind of thinking that ticks me off from those who do not understand. It is NIAW, so I will give myself permission to write a few thoughts sans guilt.
Currently, I am personally grappling with the question of finding resolve with infertility and finding resolve with childlessness. They are not exclusively mutual. You can have one, the other, both or none. If I have to be honest with myself, I do not have resolve with the infertility. I have resolve on shaky ground with a hoped, temporary childlessness. There is an acceptance that things are on hold and there is still time--to not give up hope--to be okay with not closing that door just yet. Infertility still hurts me. Or is it that I still allow it to hurt? It hurts me less on a daily basis, but getting through March is still really tough. It is a different animal each year. I guess I need to truly accept this, to allow room for the emotion, the pain and know it will likely come.
The twins would have been four years old in March of this year.
I don't know that you will ever be "over" infertility. Every time I thought I had closed the door to infertility, a window opened. I repeatedly swore I'd never go through all of the shots, the monitoring, the pain, the cost of fertility treatment again and yet I kept finding myself grasping for the potential pregnancy straws. Even people who eventually get pregnant or adopt children never really get "over" the sting and anger of infertility. It's a wicked beast that never truly leaves you alone once it has ripped your heart to shreds. You CAN learn to live with it, and in a way, embrace the strength it has afforded you. Try to find the few silver linings that infertility gives...the true appreciation and love of a child that for those whom pregnancy comes easily, will never feel. Infertiity can also force you to reevaluate your goals...do you want to give birth or do you want to be a mom? Honestly, it took awhile for me to come to terms with the fact that I would never carry a child to term and deliver a baby. Once I was able to let that "dream" go, it was much easier for me to focus on my ultimate goal, which was to have a child. I was able to put all of my energy into adoption. Exhaust whatever medical means you can/want. If they work, great. If they don't, you don't have to resolve yourself to being childless. You have other options to reach your goal of motherhood. Just keep your eye on the prize...it WILL happen for you, Jamie. I never would have believed it if it hadn't happened to me. XOXO
ReplyDeleteThanks, Diane--I kind of get that feeling that no one is ever "over" infertility. It is the learning to live with it that I am trying to manage. And somehow I feel like that part of my life, the dream of motherhood, is on pause...I'm trying to learn how to live with it without really putting myself fully into the childless box. It is like almost a dream inside of dream inside of another dream, so much that needs to come before it. And sometimes the more I try not to think about it, the more the grief (or potential future grief) comes to the surface.
ReplyDeleteThen new wrinkle, which I have noticed over the past few years, are some of the older parents. Some have expressed guilt about feeling selfish for having children later in life. It could be about only children, illness or the possibility they will not be around when their child marries or has children of their own.
It seems better to focus on what is good in my life now, focus on what I can control. Ha, but as we know...it really is all beyond our control. And that is when you give it up to Him, and thank Him for the blessings in your life in the present.
I think there is a difference between CHOOSING to be an "older" parent and not choosing, based on your circumstances. I never would've chosen to be a first time mom at 43. I always expected it would happen before I was 25. But life (or God) didn't have that in my plan. I didn't even meet my husband until I was 30, married at 34. We tried right away to no avail. Yes, there is always that nagging thought that I won't be around to see grandchildren, and we were joking the other day that when he turns 21 I'll be 64 years old! But again, not of my doing. I kept telling myself (and still do), when it's our time, it's our time. God knows what He's doing. You are smart to focus on the good in your life now. Keep learning lessons because you will put all of that to work once you DO become a mom.
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