Friday, April 22, 2011

Getting Rid of the Elephant in the Room

I've been meaning to write a post about this for a while--it is related to how I am handling people's pregnancies. I had written about how difficult it was for me to hear this news for three close friends from growing up. It is difficult because I had always imagined that at some point I could be pregnant with them--to share the experience together. So it can be sad to feel like life is passing me by in someways. But then I take a step back and realize that my life is on a different path and I refocus on what I am thankful to have in my life.

I am thankful for loving and supportive friends--in new friends and old friends who are like sisters to me. I am thankful to have the opportunity to work on completing my master's degree and I have hope in continuing a fresh start in my life. I am thankful for having a heart that is open to love and meeting RJ, who does not shy away from my past and accepts me--all of me. I am thankful for the unconditional love of my family and the moments in which their strength shines through. I am thankful for the strength to embrace hope--in not just surviving and moving beyond, but also in wanting to really live life in appreciating its satisfaction and wonder.

So, I am happy to say that I decided to visit my dear friend, Karen, in the hospital after the birth of her second child. I am glad that I did this with a positive mindset in not just doing the right thing, but wholeheartedly wanting to give back and support her. I felt it was important to visit her because she was honoring our relationship with the invitation to share in this important moment in her life. I really appreciate my friendship with Karen because she strikes that delicate balance of being mindful of my past struggles with IF, but she also does not shy away and continues to sensitively include me in her life with her family.

And as life moves forward, there are and will be other important people who become pregnant in my life. I am happy to say, most of the women I have met in the IF community now have children or are expecting a child. I want to also thank these women for their continued friendship and sharing of their journeys. While it might be easier to drift apart, I value their reciprocated support. I enjoy reading and talking to them about their experiences and I am happy that they recognize and support my life path, even if it is different.

As it might sound selfish or silly to sometimes want to hide from the world of pregnancy and motherhood, I know and I don't want to ignore it forever. It is not healthy or realistic. Life moves on and I am learning how to accept and celebrate pregnancy and motherhood with the special women in my life. It will not be the same as before IF, but avoiding it now doesn't work for me either. Life is not all about me and I want to be there for my friends and loved ones. I feel a shift, which I think is a healthier way to carry forward. I can recognize my sadness, but I can also share in the happiness I feel for my friends and loved ones.


  1. That's a good place to be, Jamie. I'm so happy that I "met" you and the other girls in our original IF group. I don't know what I would've done without you guys, and I'm so happy that most of us have continued to stay in touch and keep up with each other's lives-- no matter what phase of life we happen to be in right now. You have always struck me as a kind and sensitive person, and I think that your visiting Karen in the hospital and genuinely wanting to support her goes to show that I was right on target about you. I know you don't fall into the pregnant or mother category right now, but that doesn't mean that I'm any less interested in your journey or that you're any less valuable to me as a friend. I hope you know that.

  2. Jamie, you just have such a beautiful and open soul. It is so rare to witness, and such a blessing.

    You've been such a huge source of support for me as well, I hope that I've been able to be there for you even half as much.

    I know how hard it is to watch peoples lives pass by, while you're seemingly stuck standing still. And it can be more brutal at sometimes rather than others. I think you have a very healthy attitude towards dealing with it. The only thing I would suggest is to remember to be gentle with yourself. Sometimes it's okay to do what makes you most comfortable.

    Hugs, friend!

  3. Jamie, you are such an amazing person. The more you write the more I realize the strong woman that you are. Many people in your shoes would have a completely opposite outlook on life and not be able to see the silver lining (and be completely valid in their thinking) but to move forward with a positive outlook and a hope for new beginnings just speaks volumes of your character. I'm honored to be your friend and I love you dearly. I'm sure it is so hard to continue to hear pregnancy announcements. The pain never goes away. Big hugs to you!

  4. I could try to rephrase what Kerri, Melissa and Ellie typed, but why when what they said was said so well? I agree with all of their words.

    Some day, some way in my heart I know you will be a mother and your child(ren) will be so amazingly lucky to be able to call you mom. Your friends (including me) are already so lucky to call you a "friend."

  5. I've been wanting to respond to each of you ladies and I just keep coming back to being in awe of your friendship. I'm just speechless. I love you all!