Friday, June 4, 2010

Building Crap-o-la

After I received an email from a friend, I realized that I have been too quiet about my current feelings about my divorce. Her email referenced that sometimes it is best not to say anything if you don't know what to say. Which that is true and can help to avoid the word vomit. But on the flip side, it is also important not to let those feelings stay bottled up and fester. She said there is a time to speak, as well, so that you can feel heard and understood. It also opens you up to be able to have someone empathize with what you are going through. Suffering in silence is not an answer, which was my friend's point and the same can be said for me.

I think that has been my problem lately. I just want to leave the mess of divorce behind, but this divorce stuff just resurfaces. Trying to ignore it and carry on with my life is not working. I've been realizing that this cloud that is divorce can creep in every once in a while and ambush me. I have to give myself permission to revisit and reflect when needed.

I didn't know why, but I have been feeling sad and just tired lately. I am tired of feeling broken. I am tired of it feeling like there are all of these happy couples my age enjoying all that was supposed to have been for me--a loving and respectful husband, a house, kids, and being completely engrossed with all that comes with it.

But no, I am angry because I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines. Starting over is so very difficult sometimes. I feel like I am so far behind with my life goals and dreams and wonder if they will ever come true. Facebook is not helping with seeing the profile pics that pop up in the friend suggestions. I see so many elementary, high school, and college friends and acquaintances that have what was supposed to be mine now. It is a streak of jealousy and I hate it. I loath the sick feeling I get sometimes when seeing happy married couples or people holding their cute kids. Ugh...time is not my friend right now. I wonder if I will find a man who will love and respect all of me, let alone have time to do the other stuff.

I am angry that my ex quickly and carelessly tossed aside all that was our past, as if it never happened or meant anything. I feel used up and like he took some of the prime years of my life that could have been spent with someone who would have valued them. He said he didn't really love me and was just going along with what he thought was expected of him. If that is really how he felt, why couldn't he just let me go? Did he really just string me along for 14 years? Or can he not admit to his mistakes and tells me this lie? I don't get how something that seemed so right could go so wrong so fast. I don't think I will ever know if he just didn't love me as much as I loved him from the beginning or if it is pride that will not allow him to admit that any part of our past relationship was true and real so that he can justify cheating on me.

Someone asked me this past weekend the "what happened?" after nine years of marriage. The length of our 9 to 14 years together seems to say that it wasn't just a young fling, that there must have been something substantial there. He said he knew of others who he was in shock of in getting divorced and he wondered if it was just a front with being the model couple. I hate when people say that kind of thing, and I felt badly for his friends that he put on a pedestal. It's like, yep thanks for making me feel even worse for disappointing you that my marriage fell apart. Here, let me hold your hand. It's not like it sucked the big one for me. It makes me want to scream. No this is not what I wanted! I did not choose this for myself and no, I was not faking the relationship. I feel like some people just want to know what was wrong so they don't "catch it." Ugh...

Hopefully, this will help to get some of this negativity out because I'd much rather focus on the good stuff in my life. And there have been some really good things mixed in with some really good moments when I feel like I am on top of the world and can hardly recognize my life--in the good kind of way.


  1. Jamie, I'm sorry that some of the divorce crap has resurfaced. Though I do believe it's pretty normal for the broken feelings to linger and sometimes be more prevalent than others. Nature of the beast I suppose, as unfair as that may be.

    I also hate to hear that you're feeling down because you've been so strong and brave and have done so much to move on with your life and better yourself when it would have been sooooo much easier to give up. You are such an amazing woman and I'm so grateful to have met you.

    I'm glad that you took the oppurtuntiy to post about it here, and not keep it in anymore. You're absolutely right that suffering in silence is not the way to go. Please know we're all here for you and anytime you need to vent about it we'll be here to listen. And don't forget I'm just a phone call away!

    Love you!

  2. Oh Jamie, you have bee through so much. Isn't it so hard to not only deal with the hurt you've been going through but have to deal with other people that make you feel worse for it? You deserve happiness and I'm so sorry that you have been so terribly wronged. My take on things is that your ex really did love you, and he is just trying to justify his actions (even though his "story" makes things even worse). I'm so glad you used your blog to write out your feelings. Sometimes that's just what we need to do to sort things out in our head. Don't feel like you have to always be positive. You have experienced more in a few years than many do in a lifetime, and naturally you need time to process and heal from it.

    I second what Melissa said about how strong you have been through all of this. I too, feel so blessed to know you. Please know that you are often in my thoughts and I love you very much.

  3. Thank you so, so much Melissa! I appreciate the time you have taken to respond to my post. Your understanding and compassion shine through. When I read your words, it reminds me that I am a strong woman and to keep believing that I am okay and will be okay--even better than okay. You are so awesome!

    Thank you sweet Ellie for your words, too! I appreciate your sharing on your take on "the question that may not be fully answered." I hate to assume anything and sometimes I wonder if it is crazy of me to think that he did love me at one time. And thank you for accepting all of me in that I don't always have to be positive. Granted I don't want to get stuck in a negative cycle, but I need to allow myself to be vulnerable and not always putting on a brave front to try to prove I'm okay.

    I love you both!!!

  4. Jamie, I am so sorry that I am so late in responding to your post. I felt your pain so clearly when I read it.

    You are right that you have to allow yourself to admit that the situation sucks. Because it does. And although putting on a happy face might make it easier for others around you, it isn't the healthiest thing for you.

    Grieve when you want to grieve. Cry when you want to cry. And the next time that someone asks about your divorce and you feel like telling the guy off, do it. Sometimes getting it off your chest is SO worth it.

    Love you!