Monday, August 12, 2013

August Rush

The undercurrent of feeling sadness, weakness and grief sit below the surface.  I've been thinking it has been coming.  Kind of like in March, I thought I could get past it and it not sneak up on me.  But, nope.  I figured it was coming when I started making phone calls to family and friends.  I wonder if they remember or if they have forgotten.

It was in August when I married him. It was in August when we returned to Pittsburgh to move into our dream house.  It was a year later in August when he had surgery and we found out that he could not have children.  And he was already cheating on me without me knowing it yet.  I believed his lies.

I know I get emotionally clingy this time of year.  I don't like to be alone and try to fill my time with lots of people.  I have a new, lovely apartment and I did not want to spend the night in it alone.  Tomorrow I probably will.  I need to remind myself to be comfortable with being just by myself.  I need to renew.  I need to find my center and my own grounding.  I cannot get it from others.

I want to talk to T~ about it.  But something tells me I should keep it to myself.  Maybe I'll share I've just been feeling sad and that just happens sometimes, but I don't want to talk about it.  I know I'm feeling insecure and want to be careful not to project it onto him.

I wonder if others feel these swirling emotions around the time of an old anniversary?  Am I holding on too much?  When will I be over the hurt?

Today I cried as I considered tossing away my cats' vet tags.  I had duplicates, so it would not have been like all of them.  But I couldn't.  I just cried.  I looked at the years and thought about them...where I was and what had been my life.  I cried some more and I felt so badly. My heart hurt because I feel like I abandoned my cats.  I kept repeating, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  The tears dripped down my cheeks.  And  I was thankful as I remembered Chris's words that sometimes it is being less selfish and more responsible to let them find them a good home when the stress would be too great to keep caring for them as I focused on putting my life back together again.

And I stood in my apartment feeling very a place of new beginnings alone.  I am still alone.

I have a boyfriend.  But, he is a boyfriend.  Keep expectations in check, but be grateful for what I share with him.  Allow the space for us to grow.  Look for his lead, like wanting to spend Christmas together and maybe Thanksgiving.

UPDATE:  After chatting with Julie, I am glad to have the girl time to reflect and recharge.  From our our conversation, I came to a few conclusions.  My past wedding anniversary is still sad for me.  I wonder if this is normal?  Am I holding on too much or being honest with my feelings?  But, I am making progress.  It kind of came up on me without a ton of thought.  But, it is the after ripples that concerned me.  Why do I still feel sad?

I think part of it is that I'm moving and it brings reflection.  He is married and I am not.  And going through old stuff brings sadness.  But, I have done better with letting go and donating items.

It seems better to look at the positives.  I have a good job and I'm taking care of myself.  The hurt is less.  Giving things away is easier and I'm letting go of more.  I'm making space for new in my life.  Even if I am single, I do have a wonderful boyfriend.  Like how Julie expressed, sometimes it seems it would be nice to have it all wrapped up and know how it ends.  But, that is not really living and I am doing better at living in the moment.

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