RJ sent me a text last weekend. He congratulated me with the Browns beating the Steelers. Then, he said that he hoped I was doing well in Orlando.
I don't think his text is fair. Sure, he may have been reaching out to let me know he was thinking about me. Good for well wishes. But, it hurts, even if confirming that I had some significance in his life. Just let me be.
I didn't respond to the text.
Instead, I decided to write him a letter through email this weekend. I took it as an opening for me to kind of respond to the note he had written in his card over the summer, the last of the processed thoughts that I had upon settling in Orlando and when the numbness wore off. I thought about hand writing the note, but I wanted to include some links to a song...music speaks to him. That, and I just didn't feel like giving him any more of myself than I needed...my handwriting, my touch on the page.
I'm not going to post the letter, as some of it is more personal than I care to share in my blog. Also, some of it touches on reflections I have already said. My letter was my last attempt to say whatever was left unsaid that I wished I had been braver and more aware to say in the moment when I left Pittsburgh.
However, the excerpt below touches on an important conversation I had with my aunt. And I want to remember her words.
Shortly after moving to Orlando, I had an interesting conversation with one of my aunts. We were just talking about relationships in general and some of her words resonated with me. When couples seem to come to that place of having to make life choices, it seems sometimes it may be between the relationship or career. She said neither is right or wrong, they just are. They will take you on different paths of happiness and fulfillment.
There were times I thought that maybe RJ ended the relationship with me because he was afraid or unable to be trusting in us for things to work for the long-term. Or, it could be what he said in that there was something missing for him. It doesn't matter because it is done and over.
I am moving forward and letting go more each day. The holidays make it a bit tricky sometimes. And his text does not help, pulling me back. If he contacts me again, I may just have to say no more. I think I am at a place where I am okay with that, which is the important part.
Ugh, Jamie...I liken the text to him picking off a scab, just to see if it will still bleed. Fortunately, it's all but healed underneath. I'm glad you chose to address it in an email and let him know in no uncertain terms that you are done and would appreciate him not contacting you any more. Just as you said, it is not fair for you to have to discern what his sporadic involvement in your life (on HIS terms and when HE wants) means. He made his choices and he now has to live with the consequences of those choices, good or bad.
ReplyDeleteHope your holidays are as merry and bright as your future down there, even though it's way too far away. :)
Yep, it is bitter sweet. Nice to know I'm being thought of in a way. But it hurts when he broke things off with me. I just don't think I'm the kind of person that can go backwards and be just friends after the kind of intimacy we had and that I hoped to grow.
ReplyDeleteI haven't heard from him. Not expecting to get a response. But I'm glad I said what I had to say. I didn't have time to fully wrap my brain around it before leaving town, so I hope this will help me to further the closer.
I'm hoping for good things ahead. Looks like you are enjoying every bit of time with your little (giant) man. Hope you and Greg can hold onto your happy and savor every bit of it. Think about you guys a bunch! (Hugs)