I don't do angry well. I don't like to feel angry. Part of me feels guilty when I feel angry because it feels like it upsets the balance of the good that I feel about someone, or felt about them. Anger also feels dangerous, much like fire. It is like I am weary of getting too close to that emotion because I am afraid of it settling in too easily and turning into bitterness. It can be hard for me to be able to let go of things. And because I know this about myself, I would rather just avoid that path of accidently getting consumed by the hurt, pain and resentment.
Instead, I often times internalize that anger and blame myself. It is easier to be hard on myself, which I know is not a healthy choice.
But I also try to focus that negative energy into something more productive, like running or playing sports. Thank you, Pittsburgh, for the PSL! The PSL is the Pittsburgh Sports League and is part of the Pittsburgh Urban Magnet Project (http://www.pump.org/). The whole idea of the organization is great and I think every city should have one, if they don't already. And through it, I have taken out my aggressions through things like flag football, cornhole and dodgeball. It is not like I really want to think about who or what I am mad at or about, but just want to expel the energy.
Then when I can focus and get on a roll, I will pour myself into my work. Before it was grad school, and now it is in looking for a job. I know I am hard on myself because I would like to have had more progress in my job search, but I have to be patient and just keep going. It is like there are not enough hours in the day. I will also sometimes feel badly if I take a break or let myself sleep in a little bit. But I need that rest, too. I need the quiet or the time to reflect and process all that has happend and is happening in my life. But I don't want to get bogged down by it either.
So my developing realization is that I am angry with RJ. I'm not angry, angry...and do not plan on staying angry with him. It is more of that natural hurt that comes with rejection. I just need to let myself feel it and let it pass. Forgiveness will come in time. I do not hold anger in my heart towards him. My grouchiness is almost like a distancing when thinking or talking about RJ. I certainly do not want to badmouth him, but it is more like releasing some of the irksome stuff. I spent a lot of time thinking about the things that attracted me to him, the ways we complimented each other and the qualities that I loved about him. It just makes me too sad now and I am dissapointed and frustrated with his decision. I am just searching for a way to slowly separate myself from him, while having that balance of honoring the good and the moments that we shared and experienced together.