Monday, March 12, 2012

Mind Is Full

So, I am noticing that I need to fill my time doing stuff with other people because I feel like in some ways I am too much in my head lately. As much as my counselor says that I need to lean into my pain and allow myself to feel sad and cry all of the tears that need to come, sometimes I wonder if I am doing that too much and sinking myself down into a hole. I do get the cleansing process of grief, as that is what I needed to do this summer with the news of A~ getting married. It also requires patience on my part and it is difficult to be able to tell when I have really hit the emotional bottom to then be able to come back to the top. It is easy for me to feel overwhelmed right now. And I don't want that to get in the way of what I need to be focusing on doing, which is finding full-time employment.

I almost think the difference is when something catches my attention for a moment and reminds me of RJ or that loss of relationship, that I need to allow myself to be open to my feelings in those times. My sadness is sometimes related to RJ, but it is also coming from feelings that are dredged to the surface from the divorce, as well. It is the thoughts of "What is so wrong with me?" I think I have a lot to offer and to give. I just really want someone to love and I want them to love me back. Or it is feeling lonely or missing the company of a loved one or having someone to share your life with on a more intimate level and regular frequency.

It is the dwelling or freezing up that is not good, and I feel like I have been grinding into inaction at times lately. That is when I need to figure out how to break that cycle and to do something to change gears. I know I have to focus on getting a job and not on wanting a husband, but it is still frustrating. I am tired of feeling like I have to continually wait. And then I realize I have so much to get done! I am juggling so many things and I am having a hard time prioritizing where to focus my efforts. I need to find a good job, but I need socialization, too.

Then, I feel frustrated when some people have difficulty with having the compassion to let me be okay with being sad, on my terms and on my timeline. I don't understand why people are so uncomfortable with tears or sadness. It can be draining to try to put on a strong front all of the time and it can feel fake. And when I feel like I am being fake or masked, I feel like I am bumbling around and not doing things as well as I would normally. I know it is not good to be sulky because it can push people away, too. But I can't help but wear my heart on my sleeve, and I would hope that others would see my genuine nature and authenticity as a strength. I struggle with feeling like I need to project a certain image and then trying to be true to myself. It often results in me feeling an undercurrent of panic and I am afraid it does not translate well in my interactions with others.

What do you sacrifice when you are not being authentic? What do you risk or lose when you try to confide that you are having some troubles? Where is the line?

Man, this post is all over the place! And since blogger is not letting me copy and paste, I guess it will just have to be! Bottom line, I'm still processing the loss of my relationship with RJ and I am really frustrated and worried about getting a good job. I am also worried that the processing I need to do is affecting my efforts in job hunting. I think I will be pretty fantastic in what I will do in my career--it is just remembering that confidence, showing what I have to offer and finding someone who is willing to give me a chance! I can do it, really!

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