The other day, another one of my coworkers asked me if I had any children.
Then later, as I was carrying a baby doll with a medical play preparation kit down the hall, someone remarked how natural I looked carrying the baby.
My heart broke a little bit...
with a combination of old, dull hurts and a seemingly semi-silly longing.
And I wonder if I am getting better at hiding it.
It has been suggested that I take it as a compliment and that people only mean well. But it still doesn't take away the initial sting. It takes a conscious effort to pause, breathe and mentally let it pass as it is replaced by a drifting, distant sadness where I try to feign normalcy.
People who have never been through what we have will never understand. They can't. And they can't believe how biting their words can be, just as sharp as a knife being twisted in our hearts, even if that isn't their intent. They will never understand that every baby reference is just one more sting in our hearts. They can tell you to get over it, to move on, to be patient, to pray. But they don't know, fortunately for them, the kind of lingering pain that a childless mother feels. And that's how I always thought of you and I, childless mothers. We have the innate tendencies of mothers, just needed the kids to make it official. I am sorry you are still going through the pain and struggle. I'm always praying for you to be happy and at peace.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Diane. I appreciate your term childless mother. It is somehow validating in what feels so natural that is just outside of my grasp. I am good with kids, which is bitter sweet. But I am glad that I am blessed in being able to relate to children and understand them because it makes me really good at my job. Maybe someday I will get to use these same gifts for a child of my own. But, that feels so far away.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a rough week. A random stranger drilled me on it again later this week with a slant of judgement. My heart is hurting.