Elephant in the Room

Before I started my blog, I found support for IF through a Baby Center forum group.  Each of the ladies that I met there has been successful in expanding their families, which I am sincerely happy for them.  Several of the ladies have even been fortunate to have more than one child.  Overtime as families started to grow, people transitioned away from the forum.  But, many have maintained a connection through Facebook.  It brings me joy to see them happy with their children.  They glow in their love for their children and families.  You can tell from their posts that they are very grateful and do not take for granted their blessings.  Life carries on and life brings challenges, but they handle it with strength and grace.

However, with being in different places in our lives, there has grown some distance.  It is natural to happen.  It is the ebb and flow of time and where we are in life.  But, it can be very lonely being the last of the group without a child.  When the last person had their baby a few years ago, I felt very sad and even jealous and angry at times.  I didn't write about it then because I did not feel like openly having a pitty party for me.  There may have been an entry that had a sentence or two that referenced it.  I edited it out because I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings or push them away.  But, the distance continued to expand either way.  I'm sure there are many reasons.  Sometimes people just have to move on to do their healing from IF.  Priorities obviously and rightfully shift.  There is more common ground with those who are also in the life stage of raising children.

As much as I don't want it to, it hurts.  Sometimes it is more and sometimes it is less.  More often than not, it is less now, but it has taken time.  Then I wonder, when will be the day when everyone is done growing their families?  Will I still be without a child?  Has that day already come to pass?  That will not really be known for quite sometime.  It will just silently happen and only to be determined by looking back to see when it was.

At least I feel like I am in a better place of acceptance now than when I first realized I was the last of the group without child.  And I have found other blogs to read, some parenting after IF, some trying to grow their families and some that are childfree.  Always new people to meet along the way.  Just not sure which way it will be for me.

The Heart of it All

It was really good to be home for Thanksgiving this year.  My fiance and I went to Ohio to visit our families.  We had six days, and we spent the first half with my family and the second half with his.  It was really nice because T~ got to meet more of my friends.  My brother surprised everyone by dropping in for the holiday, traveling up from North Carolina.  My parents' reaction was priceless.  T~ and I looked at wedding venues, too.  While it was very full, it still felt unhurried and with quality time with those we love.

I really miss living in Ohio.  I miss home.  The trip was just further confirmation for me that I want to move back.  Fortunately, T~ would also like to move back to Ohio.  It fits us both well.  I want to be closer to our families...a car ride verses a plane ride...to be able to spend time with them for holidays and everyday life.  I feel like I am missing out on so much!

This has been the year that has filled me with more urgency and want to spend more time with my family and closest friends.  I've always enjoyed spending time with them, but time is precious and limited.  I feel a greater need to get home.  Priorities are shifting and I may not have the patience or the time for my career to catch up.  Plus, if I want a chance of trying for a family of my own, time is running out.  I may have to chose, but hopefully something will work in my favor soon.  A friend of mine said I was nesting.  I am just so thankful to have T~ in my life and that we are in it together.

Meaning Making

There was an article I read a bit ago that my sister posted on fb, but it has since dropped from her timeline and I do not remember the name of it.  It was talking about some research that was done about how people find happiness in their lives.  The article described three ways that people draw happiness into their lives.

• Participating in activities that bring a person pleasure.  It is indulgent on the senses.
• Spending time with family and friends in ways that cultivate healthy, positive relationships that are fulfilling.  It is about quality social engagement.
• Engaging in work that is satisfying and meaningful and contributes to something larger than themselves as an individual.  This may be through work or volunteering in the community.

The article explained that the first one seemed more surface and that the second two seemed to garner greater depth of happiness.  That seems to make sense.  It easily falls in line with the theories about external and internal motivation and how internal motivation is more powerful.  But, it also doesn't mean that there is only one way to embrace happiness in life. There are multiple sources and it may be good to have a mix of them, too.  But, I also think about what is within your control.  If one of these options is less within your control, it could become a source of frustration.  Maybe when things get out of control, then it may be time to take a healthy step back and seek happiness with one of the other avenues.  A person may be drawn more to one of these sources to experience happiness, but a person does not to have to confine themselves to only one way.  It may be healthy to stretch oneself to experience pleasure from something that may be slightly away from the usual source of comfort.

I've been thinking a lot about my personal happiness and desire to make meaning with my life.  It's back to legacy building and I want my life and my time here to have meant something.  I'm not sure if I will have the opportunity to have a child, so I search for something else in which to pour my heart and soul.  Just in case motherhood does not happen for me, I feel compelled to do something with myself in the mean time, just in case.

It has been five years this month when everything came crashing down around me.  The mess was well within the works, but it was in the fall just before Halloween that the surreal became my harsh, cruel reality.  Five years of rebuilding...going back to school, juggling several part-time jobs, searching for a new job, moving many times to make a new home for myself, rebuilding a support network, making new friends, saying good-bye to some, trying to keep in touch with others as our lives take separate paths, taking risks, living more aware and freely, landing my first full-time job in my new career, getting that first year under my belt, learning to love again, getting my heart broken, trying to be more in the moment, learning to trust myself, relearning to trust others, taking that risk in love yet again, and refocusing on the now and the blessings I have and not what was or wished to be.  It has been a long time and in many ways I continue on the journey of rebuilding, but I will never have what I once had...both a loss and a gift.

My point is that I have been in almost a survival mode that tries to find some semblance of balance in living...to appreciate the little things and the wonderfully big blessings.  I have grown tired and I long for a break or breakthrough.  In some ways, I want all of these efforts in rebuilding to mean something.  I know myself and I take great pride in my work.  It is more than just a job for me.  But, I need balance, too.  My work cannot be my everything because only so much is in your control and I do not want to depend on someone else for my happiness.  So, now I try to temper my efforts at work and awaken the other paths to happiness...through relationship and pleasure.  I've focused so much on the work part, it can be difficult to take that much needed step back.

I have to give myself permission to be more than...

Oh, Who Am I Kidding!

Oh, alright!  So, yes, it does feel like I am settling into a new phase of my life.  Or as referenced in a previous post, that not only does it feel like I am entering a new chapter, but that it is a new part of the story.  It's like the kind of book that reads over a lifetime and it is not only broken down in chapters, but collections of chapters in parts.  That's where I am.

"Maybe Part II is about shoring up my new career, finding work/life balance, living as a single (at the moment), childless (for now) lady, and cultivating the relationships of friends, family and romantic partner with a sensitivity to balance."

However, as much as I would like IF to be out of the picture.  It is not.  It may not be front and center, but it will always be part of me.  And while my blog may focus on more my life and its current status, the IF thing may still pop up from time to time because I will come across things that will bring me pause and come back to it. 

I think my reassessment post was about putting more distance between IF and my current self.  I am also trying to give myself the space to let go and just be me...live with what I have right now in the moment.  Children are not part of this moment, at least in the traditional sense.  I liken what I am experiencing to almost like being on a break, or at least in a sort of parallel way like some of those who experience IF when they "stop trying" for a period of time...whether by choice or not.  Biologically I can most likely still have a child, but I am not in a relationship or place in my life where I am actively trying.  So, that seems to put me in the childless category-ish.  But, that could change depending on how my life unfolds in the next few years.  So, it is not like I am completely letting go of the dream of motherhood. 

In the mean time, for my own sanity and to help myself from feeling like my life is completely on hold, I need to let go and accept my life and where it is right now.  It is a healthy thing.  It is mental shift away from feeling like I am sitting on the sidelines of life.  I am trying to appreciate what I do have in my life in the moment...a really good job, a new home in Florida, boyfriend and family & friends who love me. 

IF, motherhood and babies are falling away to the side.  In many ways it is freeing.  The focus is on me and not what I wish I had.  The dream is not forgotten, but stored away for maybe another time if that space opens up.  That pressure is diminishing.  And it gives me more mental room to enjoy my current priorities.  Not everyone's life is about children.  Children and families are important, but not more important than a childless person's happiness or big events.  As a wise friend said, happy is what you make of it.

Reassessment

I've realized that I haven't been typing much on my blog lately.  There have been a couple of posts lingering in the back of my mind that I've been thinking about writing.  But then, there are days that I just don't do it.  I guess this blog had been a place for me to process some of my losses while giving myself some credit in plugging away at rebuilding my life.  But I wonder if that is changing.

I've come to a place where I kind of feel tired of writing about IF and try and do think about it less.  But, I'm also trying to figure out where I fit in the world.  It's a combination of past, present and future selves.

Divorced.
Single. 
Girlfriend. 
IF'er...of the past. 
Childless...at the moment. 
Once a wife. 
Daughter. 
Sister.   
Cousin. 
Friend.
Godmother. 
Teacher. 
Student.
Mobile Therapist.
Maybe married person again someday.
Maybe Mom down the road, if given the chance. 
Lady who works with kids at a hospital...playing, comforting, guiding (a.k.a. Child Life Specialist). 

How do I identify myself?  For myself?  To others...those close within my circle and those on the outside?  Some parts of me are kept a little hidden, not exactly advertising them and wanting to be private.  Some of those parts that are below the surface.   I'd like to keep them there, but sometimes something happens and they come bubbling up, almost screaming in my face.

For instance, lately there is a range in how people respond to my answer to their question if I have any children.  Some say that I still have time.  Others say I had better get serious if I want it to happen.  Then the new wrinkle, that I work with kids so I must not really need or want any of my own.  Some hint that I must be caught up in my career to be concerned with having children.  Are you implying that because I don't have children that my fate has been decided?  Is it assumed I must not want them or it is too late?

Do I really feel like writing about this stuff when I am trying to move on with my life?  But maybe through writing about it, it does help me to pass through the pain and get to the other side?  I want to be living in the moment.  And if I am living in the moment, do I want to spend my time writing about it or just get to the business of living it?

Then I think about work/life balance.  To be honest, work has taken up a huge chunk of my time.  It is to be expected with starting a new career and working at a new hospital.  But, I want my life to be more.  It has to be more.  I love my job and I feel my work is meaningful, it has purpose.  But I have to remember to invest in me.  I'm not going to write about work here.  And since that has been a lot of my life, I sometimes feel I haven't had much to share.

However, another big part of my life has been in developing new friendships, trying to maintain old friendships and enjoying the developing romantic relationship with my boyfriend.

Maybe the maintaining old friendships it is one reason why I have kept up my blog.  I do not want to say good-bye to my friends that I have made from my IF journey.  I have a hard time letting go.  When people are in different phases or chapters in life, it can sometimes be tricky to relate...that part takes work, effort and allowing oneself to step in another person's shoes for a moment to see what is important to them.  Sometimes I am afraid of being left behind.  And starting over in a new place can be slow moving and difficult.  Making friends when you are older is not easy.  People are more established, have their routines, community and priorities.

Do I keep writing?  What do I write?

Life has been work, family, boyfriend and friends (trying to make new ones and hoping to stay connected to old ones).  Family seems to be on hold--they are all so far away.  We call, Facebook and text.  Is it enough?  I'm hoping my move to my new apartment will help give me more flexibility to see them.  But, they are busy and have their priorities, too.  But at least with family, they really understand and can be more forgiving of the distance thing.  They continue to cheer me on from afar, as my heart wishes it could physically be closer.  But, to be fair, there are dear friends who are like family and we can be there for each other even if large chunks of time pass.  Those are the friendships to cherish, a mutual understanding that life gets busy sometimes, but you can pick up right where you left off. 

Well, this post has been a bit of everywhere.  Maybe it is a bit of a window of what I have been mulling over the past several weeks.  What is the purpose of my blog?  Is it changing or is it that with my life going in another direction, so too will my blog?

There have been many chapters since starting my blog.  Maybe Part I is coming to a close, the chapters about grieving the loss of motherhood and my marriage, taking on the adventure of dating and new relationships, being a student and looking for employment.

Maybe Part II is about shoring up my new career, finding work/life balance, living as a single (at the moment), childless (for now) lady, and cultivating the relationships of friends, family and romantic partner with a sensitivity to balance.

Clues of Moving On

To help me validate the closure and end space between me and my most recent significant past relationship:

• Find myself sleeping in the middle of my bed.
• Feeling less angry and frustrated with it ending.  Moving towards acceptance.
• Having no interest in lurking on his fb page.
• Fewer instances of seeing things that remind me of him.  (Moving certainly helped.  But surprisingly, initially there was more around than I thought that reminded me of him.)
• Wanting to purge and clean out my closet.  I kind of started that before the move, but still find myself doing that a bit more.  It's kind of like shedding an old skin or old self.
• Reflecting on what I learned from the relationship.  Appreciating what was good about it and what I can apply going forward.
• Find myself shopping and eyeing up cute dresses and tops with thoughts of, "That would be cute for a date."  I'm kind of in a reinventing phase.
• Going on dates.  :)
• Adding more music to my current collection.  Always looking for good music, but it tends to increase when I'm looking for some good pick me ups to get pumped about the next adventure.
• Looking to do something new with my hair.  I trimmed my bangs a little different and I have been trying to grow it out a little more.  I'm thinking the new bangs go better with the length that I would like to grow it.
• Noticing men and picking up more on the vibe when there might be a little something there worth investigating.
• Going on a date and not comparing him to what I had with RJ.
• Feeling more free and excited to explore my new home and people around me.
• Being fully in the moment with a man and noticing and enjoying what is special about him.
• Seeking connection, engagement and satisfaction in my work, play and daily activities.
• Allowing myself to dream, considering new possibilities and itching to travel.
• Generally feeling happier and at peace within myself.

Yay, me!  Stay positive, build confidence and feel the strength within myself.  Let my true self shine and see what comes my way.

Moments of Mourning

Yesterday was an unexpectedly bad day.  But then, maybe not.  Maybe I've been trying to hold the emotions at bay, or maybe I've been distancing them until I could make sense of them.

Mother's Day is coming and my mind has been on the twins.  They would be three by now.

As I was driving to work, I just could not stop crying.  The tears rolled down my cheeks and I just let them come and wash over me...while on this rare occasion being thankful for the traffic along my way to work that extended my drive to a long 45 minutes.

I hate feeling so sick about Mother's Day.  On top of that, add a layer of guilt.  I will not be spending the day with my mom because she is working all day and lives in a different state.  But my  mom said not to worry because it is like she is getting two Mother's Days this year.  I was with my family last weekend celebrating my sister's college graduation.  (Yea, Kara!)  Then, I will be returning to Cleveland to run in the half-marathon and going to my god daughter's birthday party next weekend.  So, all good family time.  :)

Today was better.  Maybe some of it is out of my system.  I felt frustrated because March came and went without the emotional roller coaster this year.  I took this as a sign of progress.  It is not to say that I don't think about them, but it didn't hurt so much...until yesterday.  I miss and grieve the opportunity to be their mother.  My heart aches and I so want to be a mother.  I know I would be a good mother.  But I just don't only want children.  I want a child to share with a man with whom I love, in a life that we build together...and that would be a blessing because the relationship is the priority.

And I need to be patient with myself.  Grief is a process.  It will always be there, but less each time it surfaces while showing new meaning or taking a different shape.  Feel it, embrace it, honor it and then let it go again and again.

So, I take down those hopes for having a child and put them on another shelf while I continue to reorganize my life.  I need to be able to take care of myself first...have a full-time job.  Then I need to have the space to meet someone special with time to nurture the relationship.  And I go back to the grind of searching and finding that next place in my career.  I've been working really hard and meeting a lot of great people doing great things for children in the hospital and educational fields.  Something has to open up soon.

Twinges

The tiny twinges still come every now and again, followed by a distant sadness and a more present guilt. While I do feel much more closure with my past experience with IF and adoption from my previous relationship, the stir of mixed emotions surface, catch me by surprise and send me into a cycle of mourning and frustration.

For example, just before Christmas I was walking along the street back to my apartment. I was smiling to myself taking in decorated the store fronts and thinking about seeing my family for the holidays. In the mix of the busy shoppers along the sidewalk, a neighbor girl and I noticed each other at the same time and caught up with each other to hug and say hello. I had known for months that she and her husband were expecting, and I asked her how she was doing and feeling. Pulling aside her winter coat she showed her growing baby bump and said it was getting harder and harder for her to move about and having a lot less energy. She was beaming and looked so excited in the wonder of her experience. It was very touching and I felt her gratitude.

As it was very sweet and I felt happy for her, I was caught off guard yet again by my internal turmoil--a tiny twinge of hurt that I cannot control. The grown-up part of me rationalizes that of course I am happy for the pregnancies and children of the people in my life while recognizing the importance of being genuinely happy for others. But there is also almost this protective layer where I have to build up those thoughts of happiness into a wall because I am afraid and I do not want to show any trace of my own simultaneous sadness at that moment. And then in trying to suspend my feelings of sadness, I start to feel guilty and frustrated that I cannot always just plain feel happy for the other person. And in walking away from that kind of moment, I begin to silently acknowledge those mixed feelings which sends me into a longing for a life that I so want--a husband to share a life and maybe a family together.

The inside/outside box significantly helped me to bring a validating context to a specific mourning of the twins. I do feel released from that pain. I feel myself moving forward.

Then I am feeling less and less angry about the fourteen years I spent with my ex--in the precious time that was robbed when it could have been spent with someone who could have been more honest about shared dreams instead of the perpetual waiting--waiting for him to be ready, waiting on account of his career goals, waiting for the "right" time, waiting for our bodies to cooperate, waiting for the news that it was not going to happen, waiting... It may not sound like I am less angry. But really, I am. I am because I am so tired of being angry. I am done. I am accept where I am right now.

So, my thoughts turn towards the present and I find myself looking for a job, wanting to be settled and more stable. The pain I feel surrounding career, having a house, marriage, pregnancy, children has shifted from the mourning of the past into a yearning for the future. And I ask, why can't I have that? When is it my turn?

I realize there are plenty of other women out there wanting the same things with a variety of stories from their own life journey. As much as I don't want to admit it, the biological clock is ticking. And it is ticking very loudly. I feel like time is slipping away and that my window is getting smaller and smaller. And it isn't all about babies either. The fact is that I am getting older, and my body is going to get older, and I enjoy being active and doing things out in the world and I want to do them with the man I hope to spend the rest of my life. I try to put it out of my mind, but then when another six months goes by and I feel like I am still so far away from so many of my dreams, it feels like it could crush me.

I feel so frustrated with feeling like my life is in a forever holding pattern. It is really difficult starting all over again and feeling like I am in the same place that I was as a recent graduate with my bachelors degree. I've been there, done that, had a career, and I now I am doing it again. And I feel like I am being passed up by so many in the world on soooo many levels. There are times that when I think about it, it is really easy to have a pitty party and I all I want is some acknowledgement that yes it can suck. And then there are other times that I just want to scream my head off--This is not stink'n normal!!!

Finally, I just don't want these dreams with just anybody. I want them with someone special, someone I really love and care about, someone who is just as gaga for me as I am for them. I want to have someone to dream with and to share a life together. I am ready!!!

But I have to spend less time wanting and more time doing. My patience is being tested to the n-th degree and that is when I have to take a deep breath and try to go with the flow and not to force things. I have to be more focused on what I do have and appreciate that because otherwise I am likely to drive myself crazy.

The Rocked Boat

I feel so confused about RJ. I am not entirely sure how I feel about him. I'm not sure if I have been holding back emotionally and not fully admitting to myself how much he means to me because of fear of being wrong and having to face rejection. Or I just might have needed all of this time to get my life in order to wake up and say, "Hey, what do I really want out of this relationship?" While there have been times that I grow increasingly aware that I have not been 100% in the relationship, the part that has been aware has been participating as fully as possible. And I think that in some ways that is how it goes with a relationship, that as time continues, you give a little more. As I become more aware of my own restrictions influenced from past experiences, I reflect, find resolve, and move forward.

But the thing that has been lacking is equal reciprocation in the effort into the relationship--or maybe it feels somehow inconsistent or missing in meeting each other more fully in the moment at the same time--something is off. I felt like the summer was tough in being apart, naturally. But I felt that we were reconnecting in September and by the beginning of October I was feeling content. I was happy in the relationship, even if I wasn't ready to really evaluate it. I just wanted to enjoy being in the moment with RJ and just see where it lead. I knew I was not ready to make a desicion and that there was still too much up in the air to give our relationship any considerations for future forward progress.

But then sometime in October and throughout November, things seemed to wane. RJ has not felt fully engaged in the time that we have been spending together. The spark inside of him seems to be dwindling or is inconsistent. It is like someone blew out some of the candles and suddenly, I don't know where his feelings went. I know I have been under a lot of stress, which he says weighs heavily on him. He also has his own stress.

I wanted some guy perspective, so I talked to my dad. My dad said that neither one of us is in the head space right now to think clearly to make any decisions about the relationship. My dad thinks that RJ is trying to give me the space that I need to finish my work. My dad said that once this is done, it will be better. Better in the way that we won't have grad school hanging over us and maybe I will be able to have more room to figure out how I feel about RJ.

My dad also said there are two kinds of guys out there. One knows what he feels, trusts it and when he wants the relationship with a woman, he is going to make it work. It doesn't matter if there is stress around in other domains of his life, he is just going to deal with it with his woman and it is being together that matters most. The second guy wants to feel settled and stable in his life before adding a woman to his life. If his life is unstable, especially in career and finance, he will want to wait before taking on the responsibility of relationship because he wants to be sure that those other areas do not detract his attention and efforts of cultivating and maintaining the relationship with his woman.

So, now I need to put all of this relationship stuff on the side temporarily and finish my school work. Hopefully, now that I have it all written out, it can be out of my head for just a bit.

A Pep Talk

• Get to work, stay focused on the task at hand and do what you need to do to cross the finish line. You can do this!



• Don't worry about tomorrow, you don't have to have all of the answers right now.



• Be in the present of today. Go with the flow and listen to your heart.



• Be a participant in life and be aware of all of what is around you. Pay attention to how life feels, the experiences shared with others, and really be apart of the moment.



• You will know what you need to know when you know it. Trust in yourself and let life unfold.