Another reason why I was fairly focused on thoughts about possible future children this past fall is because I had surgery in October on my uterus. I didn't write about it at the time because I can be a private person, but also I can sometimes be a little avoidant when coping. In this case it was a healthy coping because I didn't want to think about the surgery too much before it happened and then freak myself out. Healthy la-la land was good for me by keeping busy with house projects and checking out my new running app. So, I was not overly stressed leading up to or on the day of surgery.
I was also really glad that Tal was able to take off from work that day. Part of me really wanted my dad to be there. I'm a daddy's girl. What can I say? But, being that Tal is a nurse, I was in good hands. Plus, he is a recovery room nurse, so he was in his wheelhouse so to speak. However, I am thankful that I could share all of these feelings with Tal and he was kind, understanding and sensitive about it.
Just before my annual exam in the early summer, I had a few instances of some bleeding between periods. Turns out, I had a small polyp that needed to be removed. All went smoothly and the lab work came back with no worries. During my follow-up appointment, my doctor was very positive and said that my uterus and ovaries looked great. She gave the clear to start trying to have a baby. The news really gave me peace of mind. Things look healthy all up in there. Then a few weeks later my regular doctor said my thyroid levels looked good with my annual screening for that. More good news, which is also surprising given how the levels looked when I was in Florida.
Not to be cliche, but if it is meant to happen, it is meant to happen. It appears my body is in fairly good shape for where I'm at in life to be trying for a baby. I'll take that! Right now in this moment, I feel very content and at ease. I hope this feeling carries with me into 2017.
Showing posts with label giving thanks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label giving thanks. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Monday, September 21, 2015
Birthday Month
This year, my birthday was good. And that made me feel great! No feelings of doom or glum or anticipatory sadness. It started as a pretty regular day. Got to talk to my Mom and Dad on the phone. Later, A~ was going to take me out to dinner or make me a fancy dinner, but my arm felt sore from a doctor's appointment and I wasn't really feeling it. Instead, we went grocery shopping together and meandered through the aisles. Picked out a fancy slice of cake from the bakery case and a bottle of wine. He made me macaroni and cheese, and we curled up on the couch and watched an episode of Call the Midwife. It was simple and lovely.
Microblog Mondays
Microblog Mondays
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Arm Wrap Up
Yesterday was my last session of PT for my shoulder. There were a lot of emotions. Nearly eight months of therapy after a failed attempt of treatment from another care provider and fourteen months since the injury.
I am thankful for being able to get a second opinion and to then get the care I really needed and advocated to get in the first place. I am thankful for the doctor who believed my pain and that I should not settle for partial healing and movement of my arm. I am thankful that he referred me to a fantastic PT group who also took my concerns as real and my desire to get better as true. The new doctor and PT group found it reasonable for me to want to be able to put on a coat without pain or hook my bra when getting dressed in the morning or to be able to sleep through the night. They recognized that my injury and healing process were atypical and were not going to give up. They were able to work with my injury so that I could avoid surgery or manipulation under anesthesia.
It took a long time, and with very slow and steady progress. They did not place blame or make me feel badly for it taking so long to recover. They focused on the forward progress no matter how small. They acknowledged my efforts and were my cheerleaders. They listened to all of the little, subtle details of what I observed or noticed along the way to make adjustments or tweaks in their treatment plan. They did not make me feel silly for being frustrated by some of the limitations I had experienced in my range of motion. They were glad that I wanted to be able to throw a baseball again or reach for the cereal on the top shelf or be able to make snow angels. I did not just want to settle for partial results. Sure, I may not get back to exactly how my arm was before the accident. But, I don't have to settle for good enough. They understood that I wanted to get back to as close to my normal, which may be a bit farther than most because of me being hypermobile or naturally more flexible. It was not a crazy expectation or unrealistic. It was just me wanting to be me again.
So, before I left on that last day, I thanked the PT therapists who worked with me. I also thanked other staff for their patience and kindness. Once I stepped out of the hospital, I cried a little bit. Tears of relief, tears of saying good-bye and tears of thankfulness. Hopefully, it is over and my arm can heal that last five percent on its own with my own exercise, regular living and time. I am walking away feeling confident in the medical care I finally received.
I am thankful for being able to get a second opinion and to then get the care I really needed and advocated to get in the first place. I am thankful for the doctor who believed my pain and that I should not settle for partial healing and movement of my arm. I am thankful that he referred me to a fantastic PT group who also took my concerns as real and my desire to get better as true. The new doctor and PT group found it reasonable for me to want to be able to put on a coat without pain or hook my bra when getting dressed in the morning or to be able to sleep through the night. They recognized that my injury and healing process were atypical and were not going to give up. They were able to work with my injury so that I could avoid surgery or manipulation under anesthesia.
It took a long time, and with very slow and steady progress. They did not place blame or make me feel badly for it taking so long to recover. They focused on the forward progress no matter how small. They acknowledged my efforts and were my cheerleaders. They listened to all of the little, subtle details of what I observed or noticed along the way to make adjustments or tweaks in their treatment plan. They did not make me feel silly for being frustrated by some of the limitations I had experienced in my range of motion. They were glad that I wanted to be able to throw a baseball again or reach for the cereal on the top shelf or be able to make snow angels. I did not just want to settle for partial results. Sure, I may not get back to exactly how my arm was before the accident. But, I don't have to settle for good enough. They understood that I wanted to get back to as close to my normal, which may be a bit farther than most because of me being hypermobile or naturally more flexible. It was not a crazy expectation or unrealistic. It was just me wanting to be me again.
So, before I left on that last day, I thanked the PT therapists who worked with me. I also thanked other staff for their patience and kindness. Once I stepped out of the hospital, I cried a little bit. Tears of relief, tears of saying good-bye and tears of thankfulness. Hopefully, it is over and my arm can heal that last five percent on its own with my own exercise, regular living and time. I am walking away feeling confident in the medical care I finally received.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Wanting to Know the Secret
As I believe I have mentioned before, there are times when I am drawn towards articles about relationships, especially after having been through divorce. At first, I read them to try to glean reasons why my past relationship ended in divorce. Then I read them when I began dating to learn more about beginning new relationships and to reset my expectations as I embraced dating as an adventure. But, eventually I wanted to come to a place in my life that I would be ready and wanting marriage with that right special person. I am hopeful for that with T~.
So, now the relationship articles that catch my eye are more about how to have loving, fulfilling long-term relationships. There was one, which of course I cannot find now, that was about the secrets of older couples and the common characteristics their relationships had. I want be married again, and when I do, I want it to last. But, as I read this article, I could not help but be reminded of my relationship with my previous husband. I felt sad because at some point I thought he was my best friend. Briefly, my feelings of grief returned with a faint longing of having hoped it would have worked. It is not at all that I want it back or him, it was more of a feeling of mourning something lost. I did not like these feelings or that I thought about my previous husband when reading the article.
After a few weeks, I decided that feelings get stirred up now and again. And more importantly, it takes time to build a foundation for a solid relationship with depth. It is more about knowing that I want that with T~, and that it will take time to get there. Life is not a race, but a journey and one that I want to share with T~. I have decided to focus on what I am thankful for in my relationship with T~ now and what I appreciate about him. He is loving, patient and kind. He pays attention and is thoughtful and sensitive. He makes me laugh and loves to surprise me. I am so thankful he is in my life! I hope I am doing the same for him so that he feels loved and supported, too.
So, now the relationship articles that catch my eye are more about how to have loving, fulfilling long-term relationships. There was one, which of course I cannot find now, that was about the secrets of older couples and the common characteristics their relationships had. I want be married again, and when I do, I want it to last. But, as I read this article, I could not help but be reminded of my relationship with my previous husband. I felt sad because at some point I thought he was my best friend. Briefly, my feelings of grief returned with a faint longing of having hoped it would have worked. It is not at all that I want it back or him, it was more of a feeling of mourning something lost. I did not like these feelings or that I thought about my previous husband when reading the article.
After a few weeks, I decided that feelings get stirred up now and again. And more importantly, it takes time to build a foundation for a solid relationship with depth. It is more about knowing that I want that with T~, and that it will take time to get there. Life is not a race, but a journey and one that I want to share with T~. I have decided to focus on what I am thankful for in my relationship with T~ now and what I appreciate about him. He is loving, patient and kind. He pays attention and is thoughtful and sensitive. He makes me laugh and loves to surprise me. I am so thankful he is in my life! I hope I am doing the same for him so that he feels loved and supported, too.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Turkey Day Thoughts
While it is still Thanksgiving weekend, I want to remember to quickly get down some thoughts while they are fresh in my mind. So much has been happening in such a short amount of time that I am not getting to all of the posts that I have floating along in my head.
- I am thankful for my new job and I am loving it! Even with not being a morning person, I find myself happy and looking forward to the day when I get up around 5:15 am. My spirits are usually high as I jam along with my early commute watching the sun start to come up.
- I am thankful for family and friends who love me. Emails, texts and phone calls carry with me as I often wonder how everyone is doing. My thoughts and prayers are with you all for health, peace and happiness.
- I am thankful for the new friends that I am making in Orlando. I am starting to make connections here and it is helping me to settle into my new home. Just want to keep going with the exploring and adventures that come my way.
- I am thankful for this new chapter in my life. Moving to Orlando has given me a fresh start and a new perspective. I feel more open and free than I have in a long time. I am hopeful for what is on the horizon as I try to remember to take it one day at a time and live in the present.
- I am thankful for healing space. It takes a lot of strength to let go and I imagine myself more and more on the side of freedom. My past will always be part of who I am, but there is more focus on the present in who I am now.
- I am thankful for my family in Florida and having the opportunity to spend my first Thanksgiving in Orlando with them. Of course I missed my parents, brother, sister and cousins this year. But this holiday was I think the first that my heart did not hurt for a longing of a life I so desire to have. I needed that. Even with other holidays being better since my divorce, there has always been that little stab of emotional pain that crept into my heart. A friend of mine suggested that I spend a holiday doing something totally different. Part of me wished I took her up on that offer a few years ago, but I think I got to experience some of that relief this holiday. There are times I feel sad with lost dreams, not being able to provide my parents with grandchildren, and a longing to share a life with a love. Thank you to my cousins for being so welcoming. It was a lovely day. And it was funny because my cousin's mother-in-law makes homemade stuffing very similar to my mom's. So in some ways, my Cleveland Thanksgiving was not too far off from the Thanksgiving table in Florida. My mom's stuffing is better. But, this was a good close second.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Beads Strung with Care
As I look over at the necklace sitting on my dresser, it reminds me of a wonderful visit with my friend Christine near my hometown. A few weeks ago, I went home to spend some time with my parents before the fall semester began. And since I was in the neighborhood, I asked my friend if she would be up for a visit since I hadn't seen her since Christmas.She works part-time from home and has two children, a four-year-old girl and a two-year-old boy, and expecting one on the way. We hung out with her kids as we talked. Her daughter asked a few times if she could take out the beading kit she got for her birthday. After fair warning that she would have to share with her brother, she raced upstairs to get the kit and Chris got a memory game for her son to play with as we sat around the coffee table.
We continued our conversation, stringing necklaces with Chris's kids (She was of course carefully supervising her kids with the small pieces and helping when necessary.). I made her daughter a necklace as she worked on a bracelet. For her second project, she made me a necklace. Chris and I helped her to sound out the letters in my name and then she added more beads as she saw fit. When her daughter was almost done, she asked me if I would mind having an orange bead. I said of course not. Chris asked her why the question about the orange bead. Her response, "Well, orange is a boy color." Chris and I had to laugh and then Chris told her that orange can be a boy color or a girl color. She asked her daughter about one of the dresses she has in her closet that is orange to dispel the myth. Her daughter also invited me to come back and visit at Christmastime so that I could go with them to Pettiti's Garden Center and see the talking tree.
Chris's son was a little slow to warm up because it takes him a little while to wake up from his nap to be ready to play. But as the afternoon continued, he joined in the play in helping his mom to string beads for a bracelet. He also enjoyed toting around his favorite garbage truck and arranging the memory picture cards.
Then as the weekend was approaching, I just kept getting a feeling like I should give Chris a call. I once read that if you keep thinking about a person, then you should get in touch with them. Then I got an email from my friend happily announcing the birth of her third child, a baby girl. (Long story short--she left her cell phone at home in the mix of going to the hospital.) I took that as a sign that I should call her the next day and was only expecting to leave a voicemail to tell her my congratulations. As it turns out, Chris picked up the call and was happy to talk because her newborn was sleeping, her husband was at home with the two other kids. At the moment, she was a bit bored sitting in the hospital and welcomed the call and we are gabbers, so it worked out well.
After Chris told me about her birth story and how the rest of the hospital visit was going, I decided to share with her how much our last visit meant to me. I started to get a little choked up and she asked if I was okay. I told her that it was happy tears and thanked her for sharing her time with me and also spending it with her children. I was grateful for sharing in a lovely, carefree afternoon. I was very touched with her daughter's kindness in giving me the necklace and her kids were very sweet in how they played with each other. Chris said you're welcome and thanked me. She said that her kids were looking forward to me coming all day. And whenever they see a map that has Pittsburgh labeled on it, they say, "Pittsburgh, that is where Jamie is!" It's fun and meaningful to be seen as someone special in the eyes of a child.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Sorting Out a Hot Mess
I don't even know where to begin.
Just when I felt like I was getting to that processing point in finding the words and discovering the reasons behind some very significant recent feelings, I am hit with a wall. Being in Columbus has allowed me to do some serious reflecting, for which I am thankful. But what the heck am I supposed to do with this information? Am I in some state of denial? Am I going to feel worse tomorrow morning, in the coming week or month? Will this tsunami of new information come back and test the strength and forgiveness that I have tried to build?
Enter the lovely Facebook...
My ex married the w----*.
Today as I happened across an old friend my ex and I shared, I noticed this friend looked happy and was dressed nicely in a suit. I was thinking, "He must have had a friend get married, how nice." I then thought I would see if his wife, also an old friend, was on his list of friends just to be nosey and to look at the profile pictures. (Honestly, I was curious to see if they were still together because it seemed like they might have been having relationship troubles around the time my relationship with my ex hit the fan. I am very happy they are still together.) As I was scrolling down the list, there popped up the wedding photo as her profile picture.
I was not expecting this. A few of the last words my ex said in my presence were, "I am NEVER getting married again."
I had never known what she had looked like. And I liked it that way.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. My intention was not to probe into his life. I was taking a walk down memory lane, just missing a few people who had been in my life for fourteen years.
It was weird. As I looked at the picture, they looked happy and had they been strangers to me I probably would have thought that they looked like two people who seemed to go together.
And it hurt because it is not easy to think of myself as so replaceable. My next thought was that he has definitely moved on with his life.
Argh! And just when I was getting to a place where I was not comparing the milestones in our lives as a measure of success in my life and letting go of feeling like it was less. I was (and am trying to hold onto) being better able to just let that all go. His life doesn't matter. Focus on myself and be thankful for all of the good in my life right now.
And despite all of the growth that I have made in the last few weeks**, I feel guilty for not being in a place to feel happy for him. I don't wish him harm or for bad things in his life. I have just been feeling at peace--just kind of neutral--you live your life and I will live mine. I don't know if I can feel happy for him. I'm not there yet. How could he have moved on so quickly? It's not about him. What's so wrong with me? And I don't want to hear that if this is what makes him happy that it was meant to be. Then why did I love him for all of those years?
Let it go.
(Important Note: When I originally created my Facebook page, I immediately blocked my ex. I wanted to minimize the chances of him knowing about my life and I had no interest in knowing about his. I knew her name and attempted to block her, but she did not have an account. Blocked a few other ex-in-laws and had not messed with the edits since.)
**Highlights from the previous weeks leading into learning this news...
So, in coming to Columbus for the summer, I have been reconnecting with some friends and getting back in touch with some old classmates. Feeling a bit nostalgic, I've been scoping out Facebook a bit more and it has been fun. And really, where it had sometimes been tough seeing people from my past with their families and children, in talking with them I am really happy for them. It is a very healthy thing.
Part of that I contribute to moving to a place where I can dream again--for myself and in my life. Last weekend, RJ and I went to a bunch of yard sales. I love roaming around a neighborhood yard sale with him. As we were out and about, we went into a couple of homes that were having open houses. RJ wanted to check one out to see how they were restoring the house, as it was in progress. It was fun to appreciate the workmanship. Then I was curious about another house, not wanting to lead the realtor on, but just a peek. It gave me a hint of what a house can cost in the area and how much home you can get and in what condition. It was the first time that I realized that I could really one day own a home again. I think given what I hope to have as an income when I get a job, I think I could one day swing getting a nice, little house. And I think it was important to view this as a possibility that I could potentially do on my own--in the way to know that I will be able to support myself and not rely on having to be with someone to do this. This is NOT a slight against RJ. If anything, I see this as me being able to have more to contribute if we consider more in sharing a future together.
It was refreshing to catch myself in that moment of dreaming and playfully considering the possibilities of my future, especially in such a positive way. It helps me to focus on me and to be thankful for what I have in my life and to not measure my life experiences with those of others. As my friend Karen said, "We each have to make our own happy." And that freedom to accept and appreciate my life allows me to enjoy more fully what others have in their lives for those who have meaning in my life. Again, a very good thing.
Then getting back to that nostalgic bug, Columbus has a lot of selection in music stations on the radio. There are several that play music that reminds me of high school and college. As much as I have tried to fight it, I have been thinking about my ex a bit more. Not in that way where I miss him or want to be with him, but just wandering thoughts of some of the good that we experienced together. I have felt very sad, but it has also been nice not to have vengeful or ugly thoughts related to him (*Oops, that one slipped.). In thinking about it, I wondered if I might be coming to a better place in reaching another level of forgiveness with him in letting go of the bad and the hurt. I am tired of feeling angry and maybe this was a sign that I am turning that corner or something has lifted. Many times I wondered if I could ever look back on the relationship with any kind of positive regard or if it had all been ruined in that my life during that period had been for nothing and a complete waste. But I decided that maybe how I was feeling recently was showing me that there was some good there and it was not all for naught, that there is meaning that I can positively take away for myself from that experience.
And with this new realization and acceptance I feel like I can better move forward in my life, especially in allowing my self to dream and in my relationship with RJ. Letting go helps me to be free and to have that space to enjoy more of life. It gives me better clarity as I work towards deeper resolve and acceptance. I am living my life for me! (Darn it!)
I just hope that I can hold onto that strength and level of forgiveness. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow or the coming days. I have a feeling that I may be in for experiencing a bit of an emotional hangover. Blughhhhh...
Just when I felt like I was getting to that processing point in finding the words and discovering the reasons behind some very significant recent feelings, I am hit with a wall. Being in Columbus has allowed me to do some serious reflecting, for which I am thankful. But what the heck am I supposed to do with this information? Am I in some state of denial? Am I going to feel worse tomorrow morning, in the coming week or month? Will this tsunami of new information come back and test the strength and forgiveness that I have tried to build?
Enter the lovely Facebook...
My ex married the w----*.
Today as I happened across an old friend my ex and I shared, I noticed this friend looked happy and was dressed nicely in a suit. I was thinking, "He must have had a friend get married, how nice." I then thought I would see if his wife, also an old friend, was on his list of friends just to be nosey and to look at the profile pictures. (Honestly, I was curious to see if they were still together because it seemed like they might have been having relationship troubles around the time my relationship with my ex hit the fan. I am very happy they are still together.) As I was scrolling down the list, there popped up the wedding photo as her profile picture.
I was not expecting this. A few of the last words my ex said in my presence were, "I am NEVER getting married again."
I had never known what she had looked like. And I liked it that way.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. My intention was not to probe into his life. I was taking a walk down memory lane, just missing a few people who had been in my life for fourteen years.
It was weird. As I looked at the picture, they looked happy and had they been strangers to me I probably would have thought that they looked like two people who seemed to go together.
And it hurt because it is not easy to think of myself as so replaceable. My next thought was that he has definitely moved on with his life.
Argh! And just when I was getting to a place where I was not comparing the milestones in our lives as a measure of success in my life and letting go of feeling like it was less. I was (and am trying to hold onto) being better able to just let that all go. His life doesn't matter. Focus on myself and be thankful for all of the good in my life right now.
And despite all of the growth that I have made in the last few weeks**, I feel guilty for not being in a place to feel happy for him. I don't wish him harm or for bad things in his life. I have just been feeling at peace--just kind of neutral--you live your life and I will live mine. I don't know if I can feel happy for him. I'm not there yet. How could he have moved on so quickly? It's not about him. What's so wrong with me? And I don't want to hear that if this is what makes him happy that it was meant to be. Then why did I love him for all of those years?
Let it go.
(Important Note: When I originally created my Facebook page, I immediately blocked my ex. I wanted to minimize the chances of him knowing about my life and I had no interest in knowing about his. I knew her name and attempted to block her, but she did not have an account. Blocked a few other ex-in-laws and had not messed with the edits since.)
**Highlights from the previous weeks leading into learning this news...
So, in coming to Columbus for the summer, I have been reconnecting with some friends and getting back in touch with some old classmates. Feeling a bit nostalgic, I've been scoping out Facebook a bit more and it has been fun. And really, where it had sometimes been tough seeing people from my past with their families and children, in talking with them I am really happy for them. It is a very healthy thing.
Part of that I contribute to moving to a place where I can dream again--for myself and in my life. Last weekend, RJ and I went to a bunch of yard sales. I love roaming around a neighborhood yard sale with him. As we were out and about, we went into a couple of homes that were having open houses. RJ wanted to check one out to see how they were restoring the house, as it was in progress. It was fun to appreciate the workmanship. Then I was curious about another house, not wanting to lead the realtor on, but just a peek. It gave me a hint of what a house can cost in the area and how much home you can get and in what condition. It was the first time that I realized that I could really one day own a home again. I think given what I hope to have as an income when I get a job, I think I could one day swing getting a nice, little house. And I think it was important to view this as a possibility that I could potentially do on my own--in the way to know that I will be able to support myself and not rely on having to be with someone to do this. This is NOT a slight against RJ. If anything, I see this as me being able to have more to contribute if we consider more in sharing a future together.
It was refreshing to catch myself in that moment of dreaming and playfully considering the possibilities of my future, especially in such a positive way. It helps me to focus on me and to be thankful for what I have in my life and to not measure my life experiences with those of others. As my friend Karen said, "We each have to make our own happy." And that freedom to accept and appreciate my life allows me to enjoy more fully what others have in their lives for those who have meaning in my life. Again, a very good thing.
Then getting back to that nostalgic bug, Columbus has a lot of selection in music stations on the radio. There are several that play music that reminds me of high school and college. As much as I have tried to fight it, I have been thinking about my ex a bit more. Not in that way where I miss him or want to be with him, but just wandering thoughts of some of the good that we experienced together. I have felt very sad, but it has also been nice not to have vengeful or ugly thoughts related to him (*Oops, that one slipped.). In thinking about it, I wondered if I might be coming to a better place in reaching another level of forgiveness with him in letting go of the bad and the hurt. I am tired of feeling angry and maybe this was a sign that I am turning that corner or something has lifted. Many times I wondered if I could ever look back on the relationship with any kind of positive regard or if it had all been ruined in that my life during that period had been for nothing and a complete waste. But I decided that maybe how I was feeling recently was showing me that there was some good there and it was not all for naught, that there is meaning that I can positively take away for myself from that experience.
And with this new realization and acceptance I feel like I can better move forward in my life, especially in allowing my self to dream and in my relationship with RJ. Letting go helps me to be free and to have that space to enjoy more of life. It gives me better clarity as I work towards deeper resolve and acceptance. I am living my life for me! (Darn it!)
I just hope that I can hold onto that strength and level of forgiveness. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow or the coming days. I have a feeling that I may be in for experiencing a bit of an emotional hangover. Blughhhhh...
Friday, August 6, 2010
A True Friend
I have to say that yesterday could have been a terrible day. It was a day with sadness and hurt of the past, but I let myself feel it and then carry on with my day. I did not fight the thoughts that passed in and out of my mind.
But one of the big things that helped most was a phone call that I got from one of my dearest best friends. Karen called me in the morning. I had an essay to write and I thought for a moment of not picking up the phone because I was in a good writing groove and the thoughts of what would have been my ten year anniversary were looming in my head. But then I thought, no, pick up the phone.
As Karen and I were talking, I asked her why she called and she said, "Just because."
She asked how I was feeling and then I stopped. I told her not so good and I asked her, "Did you call because you knew it was my anniversary?"
She said, "Yes, I figured today would be a hard day for you."
With that I teared up and out poured all of what I had been feeling about the day. And I told Karen about it and she just listened. And then I cried some more because it was so incredibly sensitive and insightful for her to call me on this day to check on me. Not many people remember anniversaries, or at least it seems like something more celebrated by the couple. And I would think the dates would easily slip out of some one's mind once the marriage is over. I was so touched that she not only remembered, but that she was also brave and supportive enough to call. It was exactly what I needed--to be heard and to be understood. I didn't even fully realize it until the end of the day. Karen allowed me to say out loud what I had been feeling so that it could escape from my reeling unconscious. It freed me to let the day be whatever it was to be. And actually, it turned out to be a pretty good day.
Thank you, Karen! You were my maid of honor and you certainly have never wavered in our long friendship. You are like a sister to me and know me so very well. You amaze me. You are a dear, sweet friend with a heart as big as the moon! I love you, girl!!!
But one of the big things that helped most was a phone call that I got from one of my dearest best friends. Karen called me in the morning. I had an essay to write and I thought for a moment of not picking up the phone because I was in a good writing groove and the thoughts of what would have been my ten year anniversary were looming in my head. But then I thought, no, pick up the phone.
As Karen and I were talking, I asked her why she called and she said, "Just because."
She asked how I was feeling and then I stopped. I told her not so good and I asked her, "Did you call because you knew it was my anniversary?"
She said, "Yes, I figured today would be a hard day for you."
With that I teared up and out poured all of what I had been feeling about the day. And I told Karen about it and she just listened. And then I cried some more because it was so incredibly sensitive and insightful for her to call me on this day to check on me. Not many people remember anniversaries, or at least it seems like something more celebrated by the couple. And I would think the dates would easily slip out of some one's mind once the marriage is over. I was so touched that she not only remembered, but that she was also brave and supportive enough to call. It was exactly what I needed--to be heard and to be understood. I didn't even fully realize it until the end of the day. Karen allowed me to say out loud what I had been feeling so that it could escape from my reeling unconscious. It freed me to let the day be whatever it was to be. And actually, it turned out to be a pretty good day.
Thank you, Karen! You were my maid of honor and you certainly have never wavered in our long friendship. You are like a sister to me and know me so very well. You amaze me. You are a dear, sweet friend with a heart as big as the moon! I love you, girl!!!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
NIAW
Well, National Infertility Awareness Week is coming to a close. To be honest, I would not have known had I not been reading the blogs of my fellow IFers. I know, it may be weird to still think of myself as an IFer, but it will always be a part me. And it sucks, especially feeling left so very far behind or falling into an "other" category. But I try not to think about it too much, especially since there is no point in worrying about it since it may not apply to the future me. So, I just tuck it into the back of my mind in the way of honoring something important from my past, but not as something as part of my future.
As I was reading the posts from the ladies "on the other side" I felt better that they have not forgotten. Not that I would ever think they would forget for a moment. I think it takes strength for these women to reflect back on their experiences and to show their hearts, especially to those who have not yet become mothers. It is a window of hope--life continues on and it will be okay. It speaks to this place of being able to reflect back on a very difficult, dark period in your life, when it might have felt inconceivable that there could ever be any happiness or fulfillment, and to be grateful to be on the other side at last--to be able to believe in life's possibilities and to be able to dream again.
As for me, the most important thing that has come from the IF experience was meeting a wonderful, loving, supportive, strong community of women. We really created something beautiful from our group and I am proud to call these women my friends. These are women who will forever be a part of my life and I am eternally grateful for what they have done for me.
Cheers to Carli, Katie, Melissa G., Melissa P., Kerri, Ellie, Lau, Des, Trisha, HP08, Rose, Alie, Lee, Heather, and Ginny. I love you ladies!!!
As I was reading the posts from the ladies "on the other side" I felt better that they have not forgotten. Not that I would ever think they would forget for a moment. I think it takes strength for these women to reflect back on their experiences and to show their hearts, especially to those who have not yet become mothers. It is a window of hope--life continues on and it will be okay. It speaks to this place of being able to reflect back on a very difficult, dark period in your life, when it might have felt inconceivable that there could ever be any happiness or fulfillment, and to be grateful to be on the other side at last--to be able to believe in life's possibilities and to be able to dream again.
As for me, the most important thing that has come from the IF experience was meeting a wonderful, loving, supportive, strong community of women. We really created something beautiful from our group and I am proud to call these women my friends. These are women who will forever be a part of my life and I am eternally grateful for what they have done for me.
Cheers to Carli, Katie, Melissa G., Melissa P., Kerri, Ellie, Lau, Des, Trisha, HP08, Rose, Alie, Lee, Heather, and Ginny. I love you ladies!!!
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