Kaleidoscope 2

Photo Credit:  H. Pellikka, March 2005, Link

"Life is like an ever-shifting kaleidoscope--a slight change, and all patterns alter." -- Sharon Salzberg

As of late, it seems best to follow my heart, to make the best decisions I can with what is known to me, and to go my own path.  It is a mindful balance of prioritization and living in the present.  Know that plans are just plans, and they will bend, evolve and change.  And for that which you cannot plan will somehow fall into place, that life has a way of making room and figuring it out as it comes.  One has to be brave to trust, and one has to be trusting to let go and see where it takes you.

Microblog Mondays

To Plan or Not To Plan

This week, a blog post by The Polka-Dot Umbrella really resonated with me.  It was titled Where Making Plans and Infertility Intersect.  The author was able to put into words things that I have had related thoughts.

She talks about the emotional pain of infertility and the difficulty of helping others to understand.  But she also experiences a breakthrough with her cousin because they are able to stick with the conversation to get to the meat of understanding what the other is asking and trying to express.  It is a moment of the joining of two minds for deeper clarity and understanding.

She also talks about the difficult struggle of work-life balance when the life part is also trying to balance maybe baby and living the life you have now.  It is a lot to juggle.  You want a career and a child.  You don't want to feel like you have to pick one.  It is hard to just pick baby at the cost of your career if baby never comes.

The part that spoke most to me was after sometime, "you stop making plans.  You stop putting your life on hold for something that may never happen."  For me, I am trying very hard to live the life I have now.  I don't want to miss out on what is going on around me for something that may not come to be.  But, what makes it so hard to let go is the fear that if I "stop" hoping for a child, then it will just not ever happen...that somehow I must not have wanted it badly enough.

The logical part of my brain knows this is not true.  But, my heart struggles.  It wants to hope a hope that is real and full, but not so loudly that it drowns out all else around it.  Just because I want to temper this hope or place it on a temporary shelf doesn't mean the I want it any less.  My life just needs to be more than.

January Blur

This is a back dated post.  January in many ways was a very tough month for me (on top of several tough months leading into it).  I don't know how to write about it.  I did everything I could do and I feel I came out stronger and more confident in myself in the end.  However, I'm not working at the hospital.  It was not the right fit.  I took a risk.  But in starting my second career, I need a place that is more established and with more resources in place.  So, I am looking for my next career opportunity.  Please send me prayers and good vibes to find the place I am meant to be and to call home.

In the meantime, I think about what my friend Karen said and what other dear friends have said to me in the past but with a twist.  When one door closes, another one opens.  But sometimes you may have to walk down a hall to find it.  It speaks about having patience and it may take time to find the right job for me. On a good note, I am blessed with supportive friends and family.

Of course, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  That reason may still be showing itself and unfolding.  Only time will tell and I try to free my mind to possibility.

Although, maybe one reason why I came to Orlando was to meet T~.  As a matter of fact, T~ has been amazing.  And despite these challenges, our relationship has grown.  We are fantastic.  He wants me to move in with him and I am.  :)  It feels right and I love him so very much!

The Betweens

My blog is in a state of flux.  Sometimes I question if I have more to write, but then a post comes to mind and it goes on the page.  It sometimes feels like a trickle.  It is not so much that I am dealing with immediate IF issues.  I have used this space to process and grieve what once was my battle with IF.  Now it feels like I am grappling with the left over reverberation, such as how this has all impacted my parents and family.  They have been marked and hurt by the process and sometimes hurt for me in what could have been.  It is sometimes unspoken and more with a knowing sigh or glance.  Pandora's box has been opened and there is no going back to how it was before IF invaded our lives.  It has left a hole and there is no undoing of that want and dream of a child my own.  That chapter in my life has closed and the loss is still felt.

But, there are new chapters yet to be written and a child could still be a possibility.  There is a chance that a new dream of a new child could be born.  However, until that time, I am in a space of in between where I must find a way to live in the present.

And it is in this space of in between that I am trying to find peace and happiness and freedom.

So, where do I look for support?  It is a really, really small niche in the IF community.  As of yet, I have only really found two other blogs where a person was once married and dealing with IF and got divorced and were still of an age to be able to conceive a child potentially.  One stopped her blog shortly thereafter and the other remarried, but then her life quickly took a turn as she faced breast cancer.  This second blog has been very validating for me in a retrospective kind of way before the writer learned of her illness.  And she continues to be inspiring in framing what is most important in life.  Her situation made her have to get off the IF roller coaster.  Then how she documented her journey put things in a different perspective.  Her blog also helped me through my mom's treatments for breast cancer as the blogger was a few steps ahead of my mom in her treatments and it kind of prepared me for what was next.  lt helped me to focus on my current blessings and helped me find clarity in prioritizing what I want in my life.

So, I continue to look for ways to help me deal with the current childlessness in my life because if I do not, I may get stuck in my sadness and grief.  I need to find a way to live my life now and be happy.  The places I find myself more so lately are the blogs of those living childfree.  Perhaps there is something for me to learn from them to help me manage during this chapter in my life.  It is not that I am giving up hope on having a child, just trying to find a way to peaceably live until it may be time to dream that dream.

Oh, Who Am I Kidding!

Oh, alright!  So, yes, it does feel like I am settling into a new phase of my life.  Or as referenced in a previous post, that not only does it feel like I am entering a new chapter, but that it is a new part of the story.  It's like the kind of book that reads over a lifetime and it is not only broken down in chapters, but collections of chapters in parts.  That's where I am.

"Maybe Part II is about shoring up my new career, finding work/life balance, living as a single (at the moment), childless (for now) lady, and cultivating the relationships of friends, family and romantic partner with a sensitivity to balance."

However, as much as I would like IF to be out of the picture.  It is not.  It may not be front and center, but it will always be part of me.  And while my blog may focus on more my life and its current status, the IF thing may still pop up from time to time because I will come across things that will bring me pause and come back to it. 

I think my reassessment post was about putting more distance between IF and my current self.  I am also trying to give myself the space to let go and just be me...live with what I have right now in the moment.  Children are not part of this moment, at least in the traditional sense.  I liken what I am experiencing to almost like being on a break, or at least in a sort of parallel way like some of those who experience IF when they "stop trying" for a period of time...whether by choice or not.  Biologically I can most likely still have a child, but I am not in a relationship or place in my life where I am actively trying.  So, that seems to put me in the childless category-ish.  But, that could change depending on how my life unfolds in the next few years.  So, it is not like I am completely letting go of the dream of motherhood. 

In the mean time, for my own sanity and to help myself from feeling like my life is completely on hold, I need to let go and accept my life and where it is right now.  It is a healthy thing.  It is mental shift away from feeling like I am sitting on the sidelines of life.  I am trying to appreciate what I do have in my life in the moment...a really good job, a new home in Florida, boyfriend and family & friends who love me. 

IF, motherhood and babies are falling away to the side.  In many ways it is freeing.  The focus is on me and not what I wish I had.  The dream is not forgotten, but stored away for maybe another time if that space opens up.  That pressure is diminishing.  And it gives me more mental room to enjoy my current priorities.  Not everyone's life is about children.  Children and families are important, but not more important than a childless person's happiness or big events.  As a wise friend said, happy is what you make of it.

Two Tomatoes

When you put two teachers together, they are bound to eventually talk about education and teaching in some form or another. But those conversations are even better when it is when you get to talk about what makes you excited about the field.

I am beginning to work on my thesis project and wanted to borrow a book from my friend. When I picked it up from her house, she asked me about my project and how it relates to the book I was borrowing. She was a great listener and could not agree more about the importance of developing a rich vocabulary with children of the toddler/preschool group to help them have better success in reading comprehension later down the road. Then my friend showed me a booklet that was sent home with her daughter who just started Kindergarden. It was about the school's approach to teaching handwriting that focuses on directionality in a kid friendly way using picture cues for the lines (sky, grass, ground, and worm levels). I asked her if she would mind if I flipped through it, commenting that I knew I was being such a teacher dork. She laughed and said not at all. Got to love those envigorating teacher conversations!

As we were having these conversations hanging on the door knob, her kids bounced into the living room to greet me. Little Bear regailed her story about riding her bike without her training wheels for the first time, complete with twirling kicks and spins (in the story telling, not the bike riding). She was quiet proud, as she should be! I loved how both of her parents beamed with pride, especially because their daughter was fully owning up to her accomplishments and efforts.

Pickle was just looking up at me with all smiles and my friend commented, "Someone is in love." He then told me about his visit with his neighbor that afternoon. She gave both of the kids three tomatoes and said to be sure to share. He held out the smallest of his three and said, "Here, Miss Jamie, I'm going to share it with you." My friend mouthed, "You might want to wash that when you get home, but you don't have to eat it." It was sufficiently covered in that kid-feel-coating from having been carried all around with him that day. Nice and warm with a slight, sticky tackiness on the surface. I smiled and took his gift as it melted my heart.

Then his sister burst into the scene and said that those were her tomatoes. It's funny how kids know that stuff. My friend asked Pickle to give Little Bear her tomatoes and fished out his true three from the bag without missing a beat. Then Pickle gave me another tiny tomato. As I was returning Little Bear's tomato, she told me to keep it because her neighbor did say to share. I thanked them both for their generocity and said good-bye.

Beads Strung with Care

As I look over at the necklace sitting on my dresser, it reminds me of a wonderful visit with my friend Christine near my hometown. A few weeks ago, I went home to spend some time with my parents before the fall semester began. And since I was in the neighborhood, I asked my friend if she would be up for a visit since I hadn't seen her since Christmas.

She works part-time from home and has two children, a four-year-old girl and a two-year-old boy, and expecting one on the way. We hung out with her kids as we talked. Her daughter asked a few times if she could take out the beading kit she got for her birthday. After fair warning that she would have to share with her brother, she raced upstairs to get the kit and Chris got a memory game for her son to play with as we sat around the coffee table.

We continued our conversation, stringing necklaces with Chris's kids (She was of course carefully supervising her kids with the small pieces and helping when necessary.). I made her daughter a necklace as she worked on a bracelet. For her second project, she made me a necklace. Chris and I helped her to sound out the letters in my name and then she added more beads as she saw fit. When her daughter was almost done, she asked me if I would mind having an orange bead. I said of course not. Chris asked her why the question about the orange bead. Her response, "Well, orange is a boy color." Chris and I had to laugh and then Chris told her that orange can be a boy color or a girl color. She asked her daughter about one of the dresses she has in her closet that is orange to dispel the myth. Her daughter also invited me to come back and visit at Christmastime so that I could go with them to Pettiti's Garden Center and see the talking tree.

Chris's son was a little slow to warm up because it takes him a little while to wake up from his nap to be ready to play. But as the afternoon continued, he joined in the play in helping his mom to string beads for a bracelet. He also enjoyed toting around his favorite garbage truck and arranging the memory picture cards.

Then as the weekend was approaching, I just kept getting a feeling like I should give Chris a call. I once read that if you keep thinking about a person, then you should get in touch with them. Then I got an email from my friend happily announcing the birth of her third child, a baby girl. (Long story short--she left her cell phone at home in the mix of going to the hospital.) I took that as a sign that I should call her the next day and was only expecting to leave a voicemail to tell her my congratulations. As it turns out, Chris picked up the call and was happy to talk because her newborn was sleeping, her husband was at home with the two other kids. At the moment, she was a bit bored sitting in the hospital and welcomed the call and we are gabbers, so it worked out well.

After Chris told me about her birth story and how the rest of the hospital visit was going, I decided to share with her how much our last visit meant to me. I started to get a little choked up and she asked if I was okay. I told her that it was happy tears and thanked her for sharing her time with me and also spending it with her children. I was grateful for sharing in a lovely, carefree afternoon. I was very touched with her daughter's kindness in giving me the necklace and her kids were very sweet in how they played with each other. Chris said you're welcome and thanked me. She said that her kids were looking forward to me coming all day. And whenever they see a map that has Pittsburgh labeled on it, they say, "Pittsburgh, that is where Jamie is!" It's fun and meaningful to be seen as someone special in the eyes of a child.

It's My Life

I miss listening to Retro Request Lunch as I am doing my thing in Pittsburgh. The music brings me back to a few of those youthful days of middle school and high school...

Example 1 To put a little funk in your step.

Example 2 Minor teenage rebellion/I so don't care.

Example 3 A shout out to my friend Christine!

Example 4 A woman with pipes and you just gotta sing along.

Example 5 Who doesn't like dancing around like a bee?

So today as I was driving to the hospital for my internship and flipping around the stations, a little Bon Jovi came on the radio. It wasn't from the days of the roller rink favorites, but certainly close enough to put a smile on my face. And it got me thinking about once again being thankful for what I have in my life in the present and to dream new dreams. That has to be my focus, my springboard moving forward. My life has its own path and I have to wake up and appreciate it before I miss its beauty, wonder and fortuity.

Easter (Yes, I know it was in April.)

I started this post a while back, but am just now getting to finishing it! So, just because I don't want to forget how special it meant to me to share Easter weekend with RJ...

We went to Cleveland on Saturday to spend the day with my family. It was the first time RJ was coming to my hometown on Lake Erie and I felt so nervous. I just did not know what he would think and I hoped it would go well with meeting more of my family. I really enjoyed talking on our drive to my hometown and I had to chuckle when RJ asked me, "Am I asking too many questions?" One of best parts was that as I was taking him around town to see where I went to school and the first house that I grew up and the time he spent with my family, he took a genuine interest in it all. It was not like he was doing this stuff out of obligation, but that he really wanted to be there and participate. He was also very kind in sharing that he loved how cozy and comfortable my family's house felt and it was exactly what he imagined in a house near a lake. I also had to laugh because he shared how he understood why I kept saying how Lake Erie is a lake--a real lake. While with the North Park Lake in the Pittsburgh area, it's like you want to pinch its cheeks and with a gentle laugh say, "Aren't you so cute, trying to be a lake?" I grew up near water and I think that is going to be a requirement for me--to live by some form of water. It is just so calming to me.

On Easter Sunday, RJ suggested we go to church in our neighborhood. I was glad that I went and found a familiar sense of peace being in the space. For whatever reason, I find comfort in sitting in a church. I also appreciated RJ's reverence and respect during the service, not that I expected anything different from him. He is a good guy.

I have not been to church in a while, mostly because I am having a difficult time with whole annulment process. It just feels so invasive and unnecessarily lengthy considering how I have purposefully sought help in healing in other ways. I have a difficult time with the concept of having to prove that I should not have gotten married in the first place--because given all that I knew then and how I felt, I honestly do not think I would have changed my mind. But the Catholic church does have a caveat that if the other person steps outside of the commitment of marriage, that it is grounds for an annulment for the wronged spouse. Unfortunately, there is no check box to indicate that and skip having to write out all of the miserable details at length for some group of strangers to read and discuss and judge you on if they think your relationship was messed up from the beginning for it to be better if it had never existed.

After mass, we went to his grandma's house and had dinner with RJ's mother's family. It was very nice of his family to share in their Easter tradition of painting Easter Eggs using traditional Ukrainian wax, tools and dyes. His aunt also made this amazing sweet bread that I think uses sour cream and then you top it with butter, cream cheese or horseradish. Yum! I also appreciated how after dinner, his family sat around the dining room table and talked and shared stories as a group. It reminds me a lot of how my mom's side of the family spends time together.

Reflections on the Last of 2010 & Gearing Up for 2011

I kind of laugh to myself when I see that the last time that I posted was the first day of December. December was a busy month for me. And while it seemed like a long month, the time also feels like it just somehow slipped away.

My main focus has been finishing up the fall semester. Going to grad school full-time certainly keeps me busy! I had a bunch of papers and projects due at the end while also juggling a trip to Mexico with some friends. The trip was a bit of impulse, but I am glad that I was able to grab a bit of sunshine and to get away from the coldest days yet this winter with temperatures in the negatives. It was really nice to spend some time with my friends and just be silly. We went snorkeling, made friendship bracelets and sat around in a lukewarm tub talking and giggling.

Christmas was okay. That really does sum it up. In one of my classes, the discussion of death came up. It was said that sometimes the second year can be the hardest for families. And I think that can be related to divorce, as it is often compared to a death. For me, I wouldn't necessarily say that this Christmas was worse because it wasn't, but it was still tough. Last year was just so painful and miserable, but there was a certain amount of numbness to it. This year was hard because I think I am just more aware. It wasn't a soulful pain, but more of a lingering disappointment and frustrated kind of pain. It was more of that feeling of failure--the failure of my marriage and where I had hoped I would be in my life right now. And there is no escaping it, just waiting for more time to pass to make it less difficult. And while I know that my life is in a better place right now than it has been in a long time, I can't help but feel like a failure as a person sometimes.

As I stood in the gift shop on my trip in Mexico, I happened to see some Christmas ornaments. I used to find so much joy in searching and picking out an ornament from my travels. But all I felt was sadness. It reminded me of all the places I went with my ex and feeling like so much has been tainted. I didn't put up a tree this year. Part of me feels like blindly donating all of my Christmas stuff and just starting over. But then part of me thinks that maybe I would want to hold onto a few things--a few things that hold good memories for me that are not so connected to my ex. What I will probably do is go through the boxes and pare it down. And I think it was good that I did not try to do it during Christmastime.

I did send a short list of Christmas cards this year (on the 23rd). Baby steps, right?

Spending time with family was bittersweet. Christmas Day is usually spent with my dad's side of the family, but that fell apart this year over some family politics. It is sad to see the distance in my dad's side of the family. While there are close relationships among the family, there really isn't a solid cohesion with the family as a whole. It is a big family with a lot of history and sometimes I wish people could set aside differences and just be.

Christmas Eve is spent with my mom's side of the family. I love my cousins and watching the pride they have in being parents is something special. K and O were a delight to watch as they opened their presents. My brother's girlfriend said it best, watching as O was eating her candy cane, "I think that was just the most delicious bite of candy cane that I have ever seen!" And I got to hold two babies--so tiny and cute. The part that was surprisingly difficult was watching as my dad scooped up Little J who is one month old and my mom cooing over Baby K who is such a happy sweetheart. While I am thankful that my parents get to have a kind of grandparent experience, I am sad that I could not be the one to give that to them. And then I feel selfishly self-centered for even thinking it.

I was heartbroken and sad when I was going through IF, but now I have feelings of frustration in starting over and kind of feeling like certain parts of my life are on hold. It was the first time that I felt like the biological clock was ticking--which I have been trying very much to quell. I don't want to spend my time wishing for babies or to just end of up with some guy just to be married. I don't want to take for granted the wonderful opportunities and people in my life right now.

For example, I don't just want to rush through my grad school experience just to get it done. I need to remember to take it in and to make the most of it while I am in it. There is no sense in wishing away time, even if I really would like to be more settled in my life and have a professional job.

And I want to enjoy my relationship with RJ and to be present with him, not trying to force it to be something it is not. Things have been very good for us. I loved the Christmas presents he got for me--a card with a wonderful note and drawing supplies. About a month ago, I showed RJ some of my drawings from the classes I took in Atlanta. He showed a real interest and appreciation for my drawings. So, his gift felt really special. We also had a fun New Years Eve having dinner in with some of my friends. And I really like that RJ spends time with me and my friends and that I get to spend time with him and some of his friends. There is a balance there that I can really appreciate.

2010 was a good year and I hope that 2011 is even better! Wow, how so much can change in just a year. My life is in a place I would not have imagined at this time last year. I really didn't know what to think as everything just seemed so new again. Usually when I figure out that things are going well, that is the time that I start to over analyze and worry. No, not this time. So, I think my mantra for the beginning part of the year will be: Relax and breathe. Go with the flow and what will be, will be. Trust you will know what you need to do, when you know it.

Now I need to get cracking on the last bit of work with my summer internship applications. Those are due January 5th (i.e. back into the hole from which I came). Wish me luck and I hope I get some good interviews with some good results!!!

Wishing everyone a wonderful 2011 and may it bring you wonder and delight!