As of Late

Some brief updates since my last post:

• Been focusing on my health to get my body in better shape, both for myself and when we want to be more actively trying for a child.  Being better about taking my vitamins and getting enough regular sleep.
• Had gotten back into building a more regular workout schedule with running and some biking.  I was making good use of my planner to map out my workout time for the week and recording it once it was complete.  My hope was to train for another half-marathon in the spring.
• However, much of the progress I made on my health goals came to a grinding halt when I got sick.  I was really sick!  I got a nasty upper respiratory virus that later turned into an ear infection.  It all lasted seven days (plus two trips to the doctor) until I actually started to feel a bit more normal.  I did a lot of nothing but rest and take in fluids.  On the eighth day I was well enough to return to work.  Tal commented that I was actually much more myself and I don't think it was until then that he fully realized how sick I was.  Fortunately, I only had to miss two days of actual work because of my rotating schedule.  Unfortunately, I was sick during my long weekend off and two other days off and had to work four straight when going back to work.
• Had a bit to catch up on at work the following week.  While it was just two days of actual work missed, I had a lot planned for those two days, plus emails and it being busy season at the hospital (peak of flu season).  So, I didn't really get back to exercise because I was letting myself get plenty of sleep while I was still recovering from being sick.
• Working on the house.  During late fall/ early winter, we painted the dining room and living room.  Took a break during the holidays.  After rebuilding some of the savings, we recently bought some new furniture and lamps.  I think it has been hard for me to really jump into more actively trying to have a child because I want to feel more settled in the house.  We hope to paint the kitchen in a few weeks.  And we are just about done unpacking the last bits from the move.  Our house is feeling more like a home.
• Enjoying time as a couple.  It is important for us to connect.  While having a child at our age is not preferred and time is ticking, I don't want to rush things to just check a box.  We need time for us and our relationship is a priority.  Without a solid relationship, it would be very challenging to raise a family.  So, we enjoyed restaurant week, went to a concert and talked about future plans.

So, moving forward, I plan on getting back to the gym, we've picked some dates for finishing up the painting and hopefully we can schedule delivery of our new furniture soon.  By spring we should feel much more settled in our house.  May have to pick a different race and scale back to a 10K, but it will feel good to reach a more attainable goal.  And we have to focus on our timeline for when we feel ready to take the next steps.  Time will tell if we may need to readjust our family building plan, but I'd rather take the time we need to build a solid foundation than to rush something that needs that foundation.

Chess Game

I have a little bit of a tendency to get ahead of myself sometimes.  I worry easily.  In my last post, I eluded to what has been occupying my thoughts.

Life can sometimes feel like a chess game, where it seems important to set yourself up towards getting closer to your dreams.  The dream is possible motherhood and I worry about time.  T~ and I will be getting married in December and I am very happy.  I don't want to rush into trying to have a family, but time is limited.  On top of that, I am not quite where I would like to be in terms of my career.  I'm getting there, but I would feel much more comfortable if the status was a bit more permanent.  I want to be in a position to more comfortably provide for a child.

But, it is also for my feeling secure.  T~ is open to me working part-time and figuring it out.  But for me, having been through divorce, I do not feel comfortable possibly giving up my career for a child.  I left my full-time job in my past marriage when we started trying to have a family (the timing fell into place with him transferring out of state and I just finished the school year--I did not just up and quit--this was also just as the recession was rolling in and we moved to state with an over saturation of teachers), and then he left me.  I went back to school, and now I'm building a second career.  I do not feel any doubts about T~ and his commitment to me and to us.  I just worry about other terrible what if's.  The job market is very competitive and tight right now.  You don't really get an infinite number of chances.  There are times I wonder if I should have stayed with teaching.  It would have been the safe choice.  But then, I would not have met T~, and I was following my heart.  And he is wonderful and makes me feel happy.  I just hate being in a place of limbo.  I'm trying to be okay with where I am, but it can be difficult.  Also, I just don't want to end up in a place where I feel like I have to choose between child or career.  It feels like there is little room for error.

It is stressing me out.  I feel like if I don't get all of my ducks in a row in the next two or three years, then my chance at motherhood will quickly pass.  And even if it all works out like I hope, it is no guarantee for a baby.

So then I try to refocus my thoughts on the present and remember to be happy with what I have in my life.  It is not easy when you are a planner.

MRI Falling Apart?

"Getting old is hell, sweetheart."--Uncle Carl

That's what my great uncle would often say.  It was usually followed by a soft, knowing chuckle with a bit of honesty and humor.  But, he was always quick to point out that for which he was thankful, too.  It became harder over the years as he outlived so many in his lifetime.  However, my mind prefers to linger on the more resilient moments when Uncle Carl spoke those words.

Ugh.  Followed by meh.

The saga that is my shoulder injury from September continues.  Long story with an eventual MRI/MRA and plenty of deserved griping, but I'll skip all of that.  Good news is that I did not tear it nor have micro tears.  So, that means no surgery and a few weeks of physical therapy.  The bad news is that I have arthritis.  What?  How is that?  Well, apparently it has always been there but kind of quiet.  As the physician assistant put it, the injury awoken the bear.

Great.

Now that makes me feel old(er).  I am not exactly thrilled by this news.  He felt that the physical therapy should bring back range of motion and be mostly pain free.  He also did not seem too concerned about long-term treatment or who I should see next.  Seemed more like welcome to getting old(er).

I don't know how I feel about all of this, but it seems I'm fairly young to have this health issue.  I guess it will be more for me to look into for 2014.  I just want to be healthy and injury free for more than six months.  I am tired of feeling like my body is falling apart.  I'm certain there are worse things, but I'm concerned about the long-term effects and how to care for myself now so that I'm in better shape down the road, or less worse shape.  This is not helping the whole being healthy and young enough to have a baby.

But, the physician assistant said that after the physical therapy that I can take up running and yoga again, at least for a little while.  I am definitely going to be hoping for improved health in the coming year.