Full House

A couple of months ago, T~ and I were doing a couple of test runs using Facetime on his iPad.  He was letting me borrow it for an interview.  At first we tried his older brother and sister-in-law with their two children, but they were not picking up our call.  They often Facetime with T~'s mom so he knew they had an account.  No luck.

Then, we tried T~'s younger brother and sister-in-law.  They answered the call and said they would help out.  After we got it set up and connected on Facetime, T~ asked his brother how he was doing.  He gave a vague answer and they both seemed quiet and almost kind of shy.  Knowing his brother, T~ softly teased and asked his brother again and called him out on that something was up and to just say it.  Looking back at his wife who was sitting beside him, they seemed to exchange looks.  She smiled and he seemed somewhat in disbelief and then he said they were going to be having a baby.

We congratulated them and they were happy.  They asked us not to tell anyone yet because the news was still new.  They had been TTC for about two years and were in the process of considering possible IVF treatments when they naturally got PG.

T~ and I suspect that they had just found out.  The timing of the news, the EDD and their reaction during the conversation.  Plus, they asked us not to say anything.  It felt like such a private moment between them that we just happened upon.  It was one of those rare intimate moments that you witness between a couple and you feel like an observer.  It is beautiful, but you feel a little awkward having witnessed it and out of respect for their privacy.

After our brief conversation and learning of their news, T~ and I said our good-byes.  We looked at each other barely taking it all in when T~'s older brother suddenly called on Facetime.  Still in shock of his younger brother's news, we fumbled through the conversation with his whole family and their mother, who was visiting.

Glad that we had kept our word about the news and once the Facetiming was finished, T~ asked me how I was feeling.  It was very kind and thoughtful of him to ask.  He didn't want to see me hurt.  But, I wasn't.  T~'s younger brother and sister-in-law knew that I experienced IF during my previous marriage.  I told T~ that news of babies can affect me differently.  Most times when I hear about a couple that has been TTC, I do feel happy for them without hesitation.  I think it does not make me sad because I can relate to the pain they have gone through to get that BFP.  They appreciate the miracle of conceiving a child.

So, fast forward to the present where T's younger brother and sister-in-law have already shared the news with their families...and why I can post about this story now.  In the sharing of their news, they also made a video and posted it on Facebook and YouTube.

T~ was excited to share the video with me, proud future uncle to his younger brother's child.  We watched it together and it was beautiful and touching.  And not even halfway through I started to cry.  T~ said he was sorry that he showed me the video and felt he had been thoughtless in that it did not cross his mind how I would feel.  I told him not to apologize, but I appreciated his concern.  I told him I was glad he showed me the video--he was being a proud uncle-to-be and sharing his life with me.  I would not want him to hide that.  I told T~ that it was a combination of happy tears and sad tears because I could relate to so much of it.  But, there are more happy tears than sad ones.  And this will not be the first or the last time that I will probably cry.  I told T~ that it is okay.  I would rather share in his life, his happiness.  I think my reaction may have helped him understand on another level just how big of a deal it can be to have a child.  It truly is a blessing.

The video took my breath away.  It really is beautiful and I am happy for them with all of my heart.  At the end of it, I had a feeling of yay, you did it!

Click here for the link.

Unhappy Birthday

Turning 34 was really difficult for me.  Turning 35 this year is even harder.  This is not where I thought my life would be.  Yes, I know it is better to be thankful for what you do have in your life and to focus on the blessings and the positives.  But I am tired of being strong and I just want to sulk in my misery for a bit.  Kind of need to hit that bottom (again) and try to get it out of my system before coming up again.  Sometimes I just need to cry.  If I had my way, I'd just stay in bed all day tomorrow and just wait it out to end.  I just don't feel like being around anyone.

It was hard enough being married and turning 30 and not having had a child.  Now I am 35, divorced, single and in no place to be entering a new relationship--and nowhere near considering having a child because if I'm going to have a child, I want that to be a shared experience with someone I love.  I'm just such a mess.  While I do feel like I am making more headway towards finding closure with the end of my relationship with RJ and forgiveness with A~, I just feel so lost in the loss of my dreams.  My heart aches and hurts so much, to have a desire to give so much love and to have no direction to give it.

Turning 35 feels like the window is not far off from closing.  I know there is still time and I am trying really hard not to hang all of my happiness on a relationship or a child.  But today, it is really hard.  So, I am just going to give myself permission to feel sad and cry every tear that I need today.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

I am trying really hard to hang onto hope that I will find a man to share love and a life together.  My next step is to build up the courage, faith and trust to believe that it will happen.  As much as it almost hurts to breathe right now and that I'm drowning in my own sorrow, I will come to the surface--hopefully sooner rather than later.  What gives me hope is knowing several women in my life who have found love later in life and have received many bountiful blessings.  Please, God, let my turn come.

Angry Tears

This summer I came to the conclusion that sometimes when I cry, they are angry tears. Angry tears come out of frustration and are not to be confused with sadness or lack of control. It is a release for me.

But I also get frustrated when I start to cry and I don't want to cry at that moment. And it just gets worse and worse the more I try to stop. It can feel like my insides are completely coming apart and melting down. It becomes difficult to breathe and I just want to run or escape as quickly as possible. I want to hide away from the world.

I hate how when I cry I feel like others see me as weak, oversensitive, or incompetent. I just become overwhelmed by emotion and feel things so intensely. It makes me upset because I so want to please and do not want to be judged by others. I am at a loss of how to make the tears stop. Sometimes the world feels so very heavy.