End of Summer

It was a day to steal away some fun before the last of summer got away.  After all of the unpacking, tending to some house projects and hosting visitors in our new home over the last few months, last Sunday was a lazy day for us.  T~ and I went to Kings Island.

The summer afternoon was made to explore the park, which was my first time visiting.  Sunshine, bluest of blue skies and puffy white clouds greeted us as we crossed the gate.  Hand in hand we meandered through the park.  We road a couple of the coasters, took in views from the tower and shared a funnel cake.  Then before heading out, we ended our visit on the tall swing ride as the sun was starting to set.  It was beautiful.  My heart felt full and my soul at peace.

T~ and I stopped at a friend's house on the way home and visited for a bit.  As we left for the evening, it was the first of the cool nights to lick at our heels as we hopped into the car.

It was good sleeping weather.  A heavy sleep under the weight of the blankets long forgotten from the summer's heat was woken by the cool of the next day's morning.

Bump Envy

It's Thanksgiving this week, my favorite holiday of the year.  For me it is good food and spending time with family.  It is a time to be reflective and acknowledge blessings.  The focus for me is on the positive without all of the fuss of presents and gifts that come with other holidays.  It is about being present with those that you love.

Thanksgiving time tends to raise my spirits, warm my soul and feel lighter, almost carefree but with a mindfulness of the good in my life.

Strangely and recently, a slew of ladies at work have shared that they are expecting a child.  There are baby bumps everywhere.  I don't think I have seen this many all at once since first dealing with infertility.  However, this time it is different.  It doesn't sting or hurt like it did.  Maybe it is because I'm getting married soon and I've got wedding on my brain.  Maybe it is because this is the closest I've been in a long time to be somewhat near a place in my life that I may entertain the idea of having a child.  Maybe it is because there is some sliver of hope that I may one day be a mom.

It has been a very long time since I have felt happy in a daydream of maybe one day being pregnant or having a child.  It has been about ten years since the last time I first seriously started thinking about building a family.  It has been a really long time.

I'm choosing to dance in the dream of motherhood, even if just for a spell.  Because isn't it wonderful to catch yourself in a dream once in awhile?  No strings attached or what if's.  Reason has no place.  It's just a dream and a song in your heart...to be free to feel...if just for that moment.

Full House

A couple of months ago, T~ and I were doing a couple of test runs using Facetime on his iPad.  He was letting me borrow it for an interview.  At first we tried his older brother and sister-in-law with their two children, but they were not picking up our call.  They often Facetime with T~'s mom so he knew they had an account.  No luck.

Then, we tried T~'s younger brother and sister-in-law.  They answered the call and said they would help out.  After we got it set up and connected on Facetime, T~ asked his brother how he was doing.  He gave a vague answer and they both seemed quiet and almost kind of shy.  Knowing his brother, T~ softly teased and asked his brother again and called him out on that something was up and to just say it.  Looking back at his wife who was sitting beside him, they seemed to exchange looks.  She smiled and he seemed somewhat in disbelief and then he said they were going to be having a baby.

We congratulated them and they were happy.  They asked us not to tell anyone yet because the news was still new.  They had been TTC for about two years and were in the process of considering possible IVF treatments when they naturally got PG.

T~ and I suspect that they had just found out.  The timing of the news, the EDD and their reaction during the conversation.  Plus, they asked us not to say anything.  It felt like such a private moment between them that we just happened upon.  It was one of those rare intimate moments that you witness between a couple and you feel like an observer.  It is beautiful, but you feel a little awkward having witnessed it and out of respect for their privacy.

After our brief conversation and learning of their news, T~ and I said our good-byes.  We looked at each other barely taking it all in when T~'s older brother suddenly called on Facetime.  Still in shock of his younger brother's news, we fumbled through the conversation with his whole family and their mother, who was visiting.

Glad that we had kept our word about the news and once the Facetiming was finished, T~ asked me how I was feeling.  It was very kind and thoughtful of him to ask.  He didn't want to see me hurt.  But, I wasn't.  T~'s younger brother and sister-in-law knew that I experienced IF during my previous marriage.  I told T~ that news of babies can affect me differently.  Most times when I hear about a couple that has been TTC, I do feel happy for them without hesitation.  I think it does not make me sad because I can relate to the pain they have gone through to get that BFP.  They appreciate the miracle of conceiving a child.

So, fast forward to the present where T's younger brother and sister-in-law have already shared the news with their families...and why I can post about this story now.  In the sharing of their news, they also made a video and posted it on Facebook and YouTube.

T~ was excited to share the video with me, proud future uncle to his younger brother's child.  We watched it together and it was beautiful and touching.  And not even halfway through I started to cry.  T~ said he was sorry that he showed me the video and felt he had been thoughtless in that it did not cross his mind how I would feel.  I told him not to apologize, but I appreciated his concern.  I told him I was glad he showed me the video--he was being a proud uncle-to-be and sharing his life with me.  I would not want him to hide that.  I told T~ that it was a combination of happy tears and sad tears because I could relate to so much of it.  But, there are more happy tears than sad ones.  And this will not be the first or the last time that I will probably cry.  I told T~ that it is okay.  I would rather share in his life, his happiness.  I think my reaction may have helped him understand on another level just how big of a deal it can be to have a child.  It truly is a blessing.

The video took my breath away.  It really is beautiful and I am happy for them with all of my heart.  At the end of it, I had a feeling of yay, you did it!

Click here for the link.

Tiny Invitation

Today I had dinner at my cousins' house.  S~ and S~ have a nine-month-old daughter who is as cute as a button.  However, H~ takes a lot of time to warm up to people, so I have not had the opportunity to hold her.  Poor kid has had to deal with reflux, milk allergies and colic.  Not an easy start to life.  But, she is doing much better. 

To my pleasant surprise, H~ smiled at me when I first came into the living room.  She is at the creeping stage and was holding onto my cousin's hands and walking round the house.  S~ said H~ is constantly moving and much happier when she can move freely out and about. 

After dinner, we went outside to the front yard and mingled with the neighbors, which seemed like a fairly common routine.  People gathered, set up chairs and chatted as several kids weaved in and out of the driveways on their bikes.  H~ was alternating between a push toy and walking around with S~ and S~.

As I was sitting on the ground in the driveway, H~ came walking over to me holding S~'s hand.  Then, she reached out her tiny hand to me and I took it.  Standing up, I joined S~ as H~ lead us around the driveway in wobbly zigzags.  After a few passes around the driveway circling the group sitting in chairs, she meandered to the push toy again with her mom.  I rejoined the group of adults and listened to the conversation.

After a short time, H~ returned to where I was sitting.  This time she held both hands out to me with a smile as she caught her breath in the breeze.  I picked her up and lifted her up a few times.  It was the first time I really got to hold her.  She seemed ready to go, so I took both of her hands to go for another walk.  She was picking up the pace and then held on with just one hand.  It was a mix of the warm sun, just before dipping down for a more pronounced sunset, and cool, gusty air.  As we paced the walk, my curls bounced in the breeze and H~'s wisps floated under the weight of her clip.  Faster and faster she went as she transitioned back to one hand on the push toy and the other in my hand, especially on the incline down the drive.  Little by little she wanted to do more on her own and I could sense her increasing bravery.  She then held the handle with two hands, and I quickly followed behind her keeping my hands hovering near her waist.  Smiles and giggles as she cruised to her mom.

It was a sweet moment and a welcomed gift.  It was brief, but felt like it was filling an infinite space within that moment.  Reminding me of kite flying with Little Bear in her grandmother's garden, I became aware of being present and taking in the joy.

How I have often wondered what it would be like or if I would have the opportunity to hold a tiny, trusting hand of one who is exploring her developing mobile freedoms and expanding the parameters of the world around her.  When I dreamed of motherhood, that was the kind of thing I imagined.

The Space Between 35 and 42

Lately...I've been thinking about what it means to be turning 35 and searching for some kind of grounding in where I am in life, or rather trying to make a space to be comfortable in accepting and celebrating this new chapter in my life. 

I find it difficult to find the balance of being happy with being a single, childless woman with a challenging, fulfilling career path and not becoming consumed with wanting to be a mother that I lose sight of the wonderful I have in my life in the present.  I do not want to have those thoughts of hoped motherhood looming in my mind that I miss out on capturing and living in the moment now.

To lay this out now--I want to be in a committed, loving relationship, which I see as being married, to a man whom I want to spend the rest of my life.  And a child is a blessing and an experience that I want and hope to share with someone together.  A baby is not a requirement for happiness or satisfaction in that hoped life.  I am looking for someone who is open to the possibility and desire to have children.  I feel confident that I will find that man--someday sooner rather than later, I hope.  Part of my fear is that I will not find him before the window closes...before my physical body says no more, even if my heart still says yes.

What's with 42?  Well, that seems to be the number that keeps popping up in my mind of when I think the window may close for me.  It used to be 38, but I've expanded it.  It could be longer and could change, I don't know.  I would hope that my kid would graduate high school before I reached retirement age.  That could push it to 46.  But, 46 seems so old to be pregnant for the first time.  Forty-two seems to hedge on the possibility that there could still be some good eggs in there and that I could physically handle it, maybe.  Forty-two seems more friendly to defy the odds in some weird way.  I don't know.  Totally know it is not a rational thought process, but there it is--the current barometer on my inner timeline.

And please do not throw out the instant band-aid, "You can always adopt!"  I started down that road once before and I know it is not that simple.  I've already had a touch of that feeling like a pound puppy and feeling judged by others to decide if I'm good enough to be a mother.  I don't even want to get into the manipulation of some that make you feel guilty that you question your level of comfort in how much you are willing to take on in caring for a child that may be atypical in health or development, among other factors.  It is not just a decision about you, there is also a great deal of thought of how it may impact the child.  It is not an easy process and it becomes more complicated the older that you get because young parents are so desired.  It is not to say that it doesn't happen; it thankfully and rightfully does.  I may be open to adoption in the future, but there are so many factors that go into that decision process.  Again, it needs to be inclusive of what is best for me and my hoped partner.

So yes, I do feel there is plenty of time to meet and connect with the man who I dream of sharing a life.  There is a larger and more generous timeline for that to happen.  What is not so forgiving is the time that my body has left to have a baby of my own--my own flesh and blood--my eyes, my hair or my freckles--my love of books, my playful spirit or my feeling at home with nature, art and football.  And all of those kinds of things found in my partner, but mushed in combination with me into one little being.

Part of me feels that if I become too comfortable and caught up in this single life that I may accidentally push away the chance of being a mother.  It's like if I "forget" about it, it may not happen.  Will the universe forget that dream deep within me?  If by living in the moment and not constantly hoping for a child, will the higher power think that having a child is no longer important to me?

Part of me worries that if I keep worrying about it not happening, that it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and will not happen.  I am afraid of the disappointment that may not come.  I want to be hopeful and believe.  But, what if I am setting myself up for more heartache if it doesn't happen?

I feel caught between quietly hoping, but not hoping too much or not enough, and keeping the fears at bay of it not happening, or worse hoping and believing and it not happening and then being crushed.  I know this is the worst constructed sentence ever.  But, I don't know how else to write all of what I am feeling at the same time.  My thoughts and feelings on motherhood for myself all are a jumbled blob, just like that sentence.  My chest feels tight and the tears silently roll down my cheeks wrapping my brain around all of my thoughts and feelings.

And somehow I have to release the fears, find the courage to believe and get back to living my life as it is in the present--not just getting by, but living a full, happy and content life now.  I know that responsibility resides in me; it is just remembering to do it.  Perhaps focusing on being thankful for what I do have will help me to seize the most that life has to offer me.

As a good friend said to me a few years ago...when one door closes, another one opens.  Maybe all of what I have been through is to make room for something more than I could ever imagine.  After A~, I felt I found that with RJ, but it did not last.  So, I hold onto hope that there is something even better and that my time will not run out.