Triggers, Not Just For IF

As my hubby and I were finishing dinner, he offered to clean up the dishes, which I appreciated.  He is a kind man and always willing to help out around the house.  Sometimes he spoils me.

His nephew's birthday was the next day and the present still needed wrapped.  So, I thought I'd help and pick out some wrapping paper and wrap it.  I went to the closet in the guest bedroom in our apartment.  As I was considering the options, I came across a roll I had not seen before that had obviously been used.

It sucked my breath away.  And I called out and asked, "What was this pink, flowery roll from?"  T~ responded from the kitchen with a vague, "I don't know."  My eyes became tearful and my heart sank with my thoughts starting to run all over the place.  I commented that I hadn't seen it before and I wondered what it had been used for.  He said in a puzzled voice that he didn't know, but then quickly followed that it must have been for his mom and recalled buying her something recently.

I took a breath and felt terrible for the ugly mess of thoughts coming to mind.  The wrapping paper was a trigger, unbeknownst to me, reminding me of my past spouse's infidelity.  I did not want those thoughts and it upset me to feel those ghostly feelings.  It also surprised me, as those distant thoughts seemed dormant, but quickly and sharply came to the surface.

T~ had recognized the change in my tone and came to check on me from the kitchen.  At this time I was trying to regroup myself and shake off the old hurt.  He hugged me and asked what was wrong as he held me.  I shrugged and did not want to talk about it.  He asked if it had something to do with my ex-husband, and I nodded.  He asked if I wanted to talk about it, and I shook my head no.  T~ said he was sorry to see that I was reminded of him and the hurt he caused.  And I said thank you.

T~ held me for a moment and I felt better, and secure in our relationship.  I am thankful for T~'s patience, compassion and understanding.  He did not make me feel less or like I was questioning him.  He acknowledged my pain and we moved on, with the rest of the evening quite pleasant and normal.

After the divorce, I had a conversation with a friend who had gone through divorce herself.  I felt broken and wondered who would want to be with me having been divorced.  My past felt so big and heavy.  I didn't know what to do with it.  Fourteen years was too much to ignore, but it was not something I wanted to discuss with a romantic partner either.  Carli told me that I did not have to hide my past and that one day I would find a man who would love me, all of me, and that he would be able handle my past--not that it would be the focus, but he would understand and not be afraid of it.  After thinking about my single days and dating and with my relationship with T~, she was right.  And I am happy to say that person by my side is T~.

Christmas Music

Christmas music is one of my favorite parts of the holiday, along with several other things like twinkling lights, fresh trees, cookies, candy canes, Christmas Story, Elf, wrapped gifts, spending time with loved ones, midnight mass, the nativity and the story of Jesus's birth.  But, I feel Christmas music sets the tone in many of the places you spend time preparing and celebrating the holiday whether it is at home, shopping or at church.  My favorite Christmas songs are by Johnny Mathis.

However, it has been a long, long time since I have been able to find the joy in Christmas music.  Some things were ripped away when my life changed and I really felt the lonely darkness and cold of the winter season.  Music was painful.  It took a lot of time and healing to really embrace music more fully again, and it seems like Christmas music was the last to fall into place.  While I will wait to listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving Day, it was not something I was actively seeking out in my recent past.  But this year, I found myself tuning into the radio station quite regularly.  It was not until Christmas Eve that I came to realize I have been enjoying Christmas music more wholly again, and that made me smile.

Merry Christmas!

Annulment Complete

Earlier this week, I finally received the letter in the mail from the Archdiocese of Orlando granting the annulment of my past marriage.  It took thirteen months to complete (and a hefty sum of money).  I felt a quiet relief when it finally came through.  One chapter of my life that has come to a close and I feel I can more wholly put it behind me.

It also helps that Pope Francis has spoken about Catholics and divorce.  Here and then here.  I appreciate his compassion for those abandoned in a divorce and possible future consideration that annulments may be fast tracked when an extramarital affair takes place.  Significantly lowering the cost and making it a 45 day process also seems helpful.  While it does not change things for me, I'm glad the Pope is suggesting these reforms.

The timing of the annulment is good because I really wanted the process complete before T~ and I get married in December.  While we are not getting married in the Catholic Church, it still would have bothered me greatly had the annulment not come through.  T~ has agreed with me to have our marriage validated in the Catholic Church once we are married.  It would be nice to have the ceremony in a church, but that would take another year.  It would not necessarily be an issue with securing a time and date with a church, but the time it takes for the marriage preparation classes.  The Church wants people to be engaged for at least a year before marriage and it likely would not recognize the time T~ and I have been together before the annulment.  Sometimes you can have a clergy person vouch for you.  However, we just moved and do not have an established relationship with a church yet.  Plus, the churches that tend to be more understanding seem to tend to be more liberal.  So, finding a new person to vouch for us may take time to seek out.  Maybe not ideal, but I have made peace with the validation option.

I hope God is understanding and compassionate of our choices.  We are older and time is not on our side for having children.  Adoption may give us a little more time, but it is not a guarantee.  However, please know we are not rushing into kids.  We want some time as a married couple, but we are also balancing the reality of our aging bodies.  Our hearts are in the right place, and I hope He sees that.

August Nightmares

August is the anniversary month of my previous marriage.  Had we stayed together, we would have been together for more years than apart this year.  Funny how the math goes that you can hover so long and so close before reaching that tipping point.  It is like one of those age problems from Alegebra I.  When we were happy, we used to marvel at how much of our life we spent together and acknowledged that we really grew up together having been college sweethearts.  We were young and so much happened during those years.

Then suddenly, he left.

August has been a tough month for me after that part of my life was cleaved away.  The first year was awful...raw.  I was thankful for a kind friend's phone call.  I tend to try not to dwell on specific dates, even if they are etched in your brain.  I am more aware of the general season of those memories as they run in the background of my mind, getting further in the distance.  It has gotten easier over time, especially with wanting to let go...as sad as that is, but neccessary.  This year was the first that the day came and went and consciously it didn't seem to bother me.  The undercurrent of sadness and malaise seemed a scant phantom.

However, I had the most terrible nightmares for a better part of the month.  And he was in most of those dreams, leaving me feeling unrested, upset and feeling used.  In a few of the dreams, I missed him and felt sad.  It was hard to shake the feelings after waking up.  At the time, I didn't connect the dots because the day had passed and I thought I was fine.  But, somewhere deep I am still letting go.

All of the dreams kind of made me worry about my relationship with T~.  I think it is all of the wedding stuff and how people say you only get married once and the person you marry should be your best friend.  Somehow it hurts.  Somehow there is guilt.  I once married a person who I felt was my best friend and intended only to be with him.  (Cue Don't Speak by Gwen Stefani, No Doubt.)  

I feel badly that T~ cannot be my first and only spouse.  I recoil when people make references to us being best friends.  I cringe when he says it.  My visceral reaction sickens me and I feel awful.  I don't want to marry a "best friend," after the last one.  But, would a best friend ever treat you like garbage with so little regard?  Can true friendships implode, deteriorate or devolve in such ugly ways?  Maybe he wasn't a friend in the first place?  Betrayal is so insidious.  It is difficult to believe that someone you loved and whom you thought loved you could actively make such choices.  It wasn't an accident or unintentional.  It was selfish, grossly selfish.  That is the hard part, when trust and respect are broken so horribly.

I know T~ is his own person...a wonderfully loving, kind and intuitive person.  I'm just having difficulty separating the term "best friend" from my past experience.  He either was never really my friend or he was, but then stopped somewhere along the way.

So, I try to reframe it by thinking about children giving each other friendship necklaces, the ones usually divided up into halves.  Kids will often give these kinds of necklaces to more than one person.  It is kind of like you are only supposed to have one best friend, but the secret is that you can have lots of best friends.  It can be flexible due to context and purpose of that friendship.  I think the important part is to let go of "the one and only" part.  It somehow makes it feel like I didn't use up my only shot.  It makes room for more.  It makes room for T~.

Once I put it all together, the dreams stopped and I have been more at ease.  It may or may not look like progress, but to me it is.  I am glad that I am not actively dwelling on that past relationship.  As a friend once told me, the ending of a relationship is like a perspective painting where the road keeps getting smaller and smaller as it meets the horizon.  That road will always be on my map, but that part of my life is near that dot in the distance.  T~ and I are together in the foreground, in the present.  I'm ready and excited about our adventure!

Car Drama

So, much has been settled from my divorce.  The only legal thing that has tied us together has been my car.  Even though we agreed the car would be mine, it still had to remain in both of our names because there were still payments left on it.  Talk about a pain in the butt when I moved to Florida and had to get a new title and registration.  However, once the car was paid off, it would be transferred to solely me.

Car was paid off in May.  I started looking into the details of the new title ahead of time so I would be prepared.  I waited for the pay off letter to email my prior spouse so there was proof no money was owed on it.  The process should have been very simple because it was an electronic title.  But, no.  He had to go and complicate things and lie about it!

I made two trips to the DMV.  And there were additional costs because he had the title printed and mailed to him.  He was caught in his lie of saying he was looking into it when the DMV shared with me the date he requested the paper title to be printed.  Fortunately, I had options.  Since I had legal documentation that the car was mine and a power of attorney document for the car from my prior out of state registering process, they could wait 30 days and consider that the paper title was "lost."  Then, I could request a new one to be printed and get it all switched over to me.  Or he could sign and appropriately mark the box on the paper title and send it to me.  He lied again about putting it in the mail, which I called him out on it.  But, either way I was returning to the DMV and going to get my car.  Fortunately, it came in the mail the day before I went to the DMV.  So, while the electronic title would have been the cheapest and fastest route, it would have been most expensive to go the title "lost" route.

Why?!  Why complicate things when you were the one to so quickly want me out of your life?  I was proud of myself for keeping the email communications brief and to the point.  I initially believed him when he said he was still looking into the details.  My blood wanted to boil when the lady at the DMV told me he had already requested a paper title and that it had been mailed to him about three weeks ago.  Really?!  You are "looking into things?"  I was seriously concerned he was going to try to take my car.

Then once it was all signed and done, I felt a little sad and almost teared up.  I took a deep breath and put it behind me at the DMV.  The sadness surprised me.  I figured that would come with the annulment, not a car.  But maybe it was because he hasn't participated in the annulment process and has just ignored it (making  it even longer), and that the car was the last thing we had reason to communicate.  I thought I would have felt relief.

But I didn't, just sad.  Not a sad that I miss him.  Not a sad that this would be the last time to "speak" to each other (if you count email).  Not a sad that I wanted him back.

Maybe a sad for that distant loss.  Maybe sad for a good-bye that was never said.  Maybe a sad to honor what had once been cherished, loved and important.

Annulment Work

My blog has been quiet this month.  Or at least it feels that way for me because I usually have a running list of posts that I want to write and don't always make the time to write them.  I feel that I got caught up on most of them this past fall. The list is very short now and they are still incubating.  They will come in time.

In some ways I feel I am trying to refocus my thoughts away from baby related things, so there is less to write.  But, my life is more than hoping to be a mom.  Looking back on the history of my posts, some of it has been about rebuilding or recapturing my life and I have written about dating, career or moments of life.

This past month, I have been working on the annulment of my first marriage.  I started it in the fall and then had to wait for the paperwork to be mailed to begin the next steps.  It dredged up a lot of old, ugly feelings of loss, doubt and hurt.  Not fun.  I've worked very hard to make peace with the past and leave it in the past.  I've been told that the annulment process can be very healing.  That has not been my experience.  It just feels like it is opening old wounds and rubbing salt in them.  Maybe I waited too long to do it.  But, I've been told that the timeline is right and otherwise it would have been too soon, too raw.  I don't know.  It feels redundant and unnecessary.  Maybe that is because I invested the time early and during the fall out with having support from a counselor, my priest and a support group at church, in addition to wonderful friends and family.  I feel angry having to open it all up again.  It is my choice.  I want the annulment.  It just really sucks.  It sucks feeling stupid, feeling less than and unvalued.

Argh!  Just want to get it done!

Fortunately, I am not putting pressure on having to have it done before T~ and I get married.  It will get done when it gets done.  We can have our marriage recognized by the church after the fact.  I am not going to let the annulment take away from my present happiness in my relationship with T~.  We are excited about our plans for our wedding.  :)

August Rush

The undercurrent of feeling sadness, weakness and grief sit below the surface.  I've been thinking it has been coming.  Kind of like in March, I thought I could get past it and it not sneak up on me.  But, nope.  I figured it was coming when I started making phone calls to family and friends.  I wonder if they remember or if they have forgotten.

It was in August when I married him. It was in August when we returned to Pittsburgh to move into our dream house.  It was a year later in August when he had surgery and we found out that he could not have children.  And he was already cheating on me without me knowing it yet.  I believed his lies.

I know I get emotionally clingy this time of year.  I don't like to be alone and try to fill my time with lots of people.  I have a new, lovely apartment and I did not want to spend the night in it alone.  Tomorrow I probably will.  I need to remind myself to be comfortable with being just by myself.  I need to renew.  I need to find my center and my own grounding.  I cannot get it from others.

I want to talk to T~ about it.  But something tells me I should keep it to myself.  Maybe I'll share I've just been feeling sad and that just happens sometimes, but I don't want to talk about it.  I know I'm feeling insecure and want to be careful not to project it onto him.

I wonder if others feel these swirling emotions around the time of an old anniversary?  Am I holding on too much?  When will I be over the hurt?

Today I cried as I considered tossing away my cats' vet tags.  I had duplicates, so it would not have been like all of them.  But I couldn't.  I just cried.  I looked at the years and thought about them...where I was and what had been my life.  I cried some more and I felt so badly. My heart hurt because I feel like I abandoned my cats.  I kept repeating, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  The tears dripped down my cheeks.  And  I was thankful as I remembered Chris's words that sometimes it is being less selfish and more responsible to let them go...to find them a good home when the stress would be too great to keep caring for them as I focused on putting my life back together again.

And I stood in my apartment feeling very alone...in a place of new beginnings alone.  I am still alone.

I have a boyfriend.  But, he is a boyfriend.  Keep expectations in check, but be grateful for what I share with him.  Allow the space for us to grow.  Look for his lead, like wanting to spend Christmas together and maybe Thanksgiving.

UPDATE:  After chatting with Julie, I am glad to have the girl time to reflect and recharge.  From our our conversation, I came to a few conclusions.  My past wedding anniversary is still sad for me.  I wonder if this is normal?  Am I holding on too much or being honest with my feelings?  But, I am making progress.  It kind of came up on me without a ton of thought.  But, it is the after ripples that concerned me.  Why do I still feel sad?

I think part of it is that I'm moving and it brings reflection.  He is married and I am not.  And going through old stuff brings sadness.  But, I have done better with letting go and donating items.

It seems better to look at the positives.  I have a good job and I'm taking care of myself.  The hurt is less.  Giving things away is easier and I'm letting go of more.  I'm making space for new in my life.  Even if I am single, I do have a wonderful boyfriend.  Like how Julie expressed, sometimes it seems it would be nice to have it all wrapped up and know how it ends.  But, that is not really living and I am doing better at living in the moment.

Staying the Course of my own Journey

Have you ever driven down a road where you can see that it runs parallel to another road by the traffic off in the distance? I'm thinking back to my days of college at Bowling Green in Ohio where it is pretty flat and you can see the semi-trucks or the occasional car across the spread of corn betweeen I-75 and state route 23. You sometimes notice the other vehicles in the corner of your eye and other times, even if you know they are there, you almost forget they are out there. Then eventually, a town interupts the view or a bend comes along one road and the other just fades away. It becomes no longer relevant because it has nothing to where you are now and where you are going.

I feel the two roads are a good visual representation in letting go of the dream. It is not at all that I long for that other life again, but that it is mourning what had been and more so a life of what could have been. Initially, it was something that loomed so heavily and I couldn't help but compare where I was and all that had been so carefully planned. Then slowly I began to notice it less as I focused on the new road that I was taking with all of its new adventures and challenges.

I've known that that dream has long died, but finding out that my ex has remarried serves as another reminder with another layer of grief with this whole process of regaining my life. It is forcing me to say good-bye to the dream yet again when I already thought I had done that. But then again, I carried a small fear of wondering how I would feel if I heard that he had married again, especially to that woman. I didn't dwell on it, but felt like I would deal with it if and when it came. That moment is now and all I can do is be honest and patient with myself in allowing me to feel what it is that I need to feel so that I can continue to move forward. I can better identify why I have felt so sad and angy, and now it is a matter of my heart catching up to my head. It is not easy watching a dream die, even if I know it really is for the better. I feel this undercurrent of emotions that just have to pass with time and acceptance. To borrow a familiar line from the children's book, Going on a Bear Hunt , and suggested by my friend, Julie, "Can't go over it. Can't go under it. Gotta go through it!"

And part of me is okay with him remarrying first because despite whoever would do it first, I imagine this process of grief would still take place. At least I get to digest it all on my own and separate from a day so special as a wedding day, a day that is supposed to be full of happiness and love. In facing this loss now, I hope that if/when I do get married that it will free me to focus in sharing my day of happiness entirely with the person I love. I am happy to gain more distance from that road that might have been before committing myself to share in a life with another person. I want to be in a place to fully embrace a new dream.

In a Glass Case of Emotion

Thank you, Ron Burgundy.


I feel raw, exposed and vulnerable.


The day after, I woke up with a head ache and miserable with that feeling of, "Is this real?" I was feeling angry and betrayed. I wondered who attended the event and stood there to support that crap. And I don't want to hear, "Well, when it is your friend, you want to be happy for them." Well guess what? Some of those people were my friends, too, and it sucks.


On the second day, I was starting to feel better and felt like a cloud had lifted and I was regaining some focus. Okay, so let's get back to the business of my life. I kept reminding myself of those moments of dreaming during the yard sale and that RJ was coming to visit me this weekend.


By the fourth day, I was feeling over run with emotions again. And it was all just so painful. It was not that I was really thinking about him, but just feeling frustrated and wanting to already be in a place where I really have moved into that space of all on my own. Right now I am still going to school and I am depending on him for support. It ticks me off to feel stuck and feeling like he probably takes pleasure in it or feels sorry for me. Both are equally repugnant. It really stinks that on the surface it seems that his life has moved onward seamlessly and he gets to have his happy despite being the destructive force, while I am still struggling to get my life in order. I want a job and to be supporting myself. While I am grateful for this opportunity to be going back to school and redirecting my life towards what I feel I am supposed to be doing, there are times that I feel like my life continues to remain on hold. And it has felt like that since November 2006, for various reasons and most of which have been beyond my control. That is a really long time to feel like you are in a holding pattern.


And it gets old hearing the instant response to this crap as, "Be happy for what you have in your life right now." True. I am. It is what keeps me going. But don't gloss over what I am feeling right now. I am angry and sad and frustrated and betrayed and powerless and diffident and miserable...even if just for a moment. I need to acknowledge that to be able to move beyond and to carry forward. I need to cry every one of those tears. Thank you to the people who allowed me to do that with them. This news serves as another reminder of the feeling that I failed and wondering if I am just damaged goods. That is the hardest part, the failure.


Then there are times when I do not want to feel like I have to decide where I am going to focus the direction of my life because I don't know where things are going with RJ. I like being in a space of flexibility and just going with the flow. But what life has taught me is that there are no guarantees and life keeps moving. This recent news about my ex has shaken me. It has undermined the confidence I have been working so hard to rebuild and restabilize. And what I am about to say is not a reflection on RJ because I feel like our relationship is in a pretty good place right now.


It is just that I am afraid of building my life around another man only to be left disappointed and abandoned again. I do not want to find myself more invested than the other person. They have to want the relationship just as much as me and be willing to put in the effort.


But I am equally afraid of closing myself off because of these feelings and to miss what could be the best thing to be happening in my life. The resurfacing of self-doubt makes it difficult to trust myself in judging my experiences.


It has almost been a week and there are times when I feel shaky. But today is a new day and I need to get back to kicking arse! I will let Ron Burgundy's words resonate within me, "I'm kind of a big deal."

Top Image: http://www.rufkm.net/, note--appreicate the image and not their political views

Bottom Photo: by Melissa Moseley, http://www.towntopics.com/jul0704/cinema.html

Sorting Out a Hot Mess

I don't even know where to begin.

Just when I felt like I was getting to that processing point in finding the words and discovering the reasons behind some very significant recent feelings, I am hit with a wall. Being in Columbus has allowed me to do some serious reflecting, for which I am thankful. But what the heck am I supposed to do with this information? Am I in some state of denial? Am I going to feel worse tomorrow morning, in the coming week or month? Will this tsunami of new information come back and test the strength and forgiveness that I have tried to build?

Enter the lovely Facebook...

My ex married the w----*.

Today as I happened across an old friend my ex and I shared, I noticed this friend looked happy and was dressed nicely in a suit. I was thinking, "He must have had a friend get married, how nice." I then thought I would see if his wife, also an old friend, was on his list of friends just to be nosey and to look at the profile pictures. (Honestly, I was curious to see if they were still together because it seemed like they might have been having relationship troubles around the time my relationship with my ex hit the fan. I am very happy they are still together.) As I was scrolling down the list, there popped up the wedding photo as her profile picture.

I was not expecting this. A few of the last words my ex said in my presence were, "I am NEVER getting married again."

I had never known what she had looked like. And I liked it that way.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. My intention was not to probe into his life. I was taking a walk down memory lane, just missing a few people who had been in my life for fourteen years.

It was weird. As I looked at the picture, they looked happy and had they been strangers to me I probably would have thought that they looked like two people who seemed to go together.

And it hurt because it is not easy to think of myself as so replaceable. My next thought was that he has definitely moved on with his life.

Argh! And just when I was getting to a place where I was not comparing the milestones in our lives as a measure of success in my life and letting go of feeling like it was less. I was (and am trying to hold onto) being better able to just let that all go. His life doesn't matter. Focus on myself and be thankful for all of the good in my life right now.

And despite all of the growth that I have made in the last few weeks**, I feel guilty for not being in a place to feel happy for him. I don't wish him harm or for bad things in his life. I have just been feeling at peace--just kind of neutral--you live your life and I will live mine. I don't know if I can feel happy for him. I'm not there yet. How could he have moved on so quickly? It's not about him. What's so wrong with me? And I don't want to hear that if this is what makes him happy that it was meant to be. Then why did I love him for all of those years?

Let it go.

(Important Note: When I originally created my Facebook page, I immediately blocked my ex. I wanted to minimize the chances of him knowing about my life and I had no interest in knowing about his. I knew her name and attempted to block her, but she did not have an account. Blocked a few other ex-in-laws and had not messed with the edits since.)

**Highlights from the previous weeks leading into learning this news...

So, in coming to Columbus for the summer, I have been reconnecting with some friends and getting back in touch with some old classmates. Feeling a bit nostalgic, I've been scoping out Facebook a bit more and it has been fun. And really, where it had sometimes been tough seeing people from my past with their families and children, in talking with them I am really happy for them. It is a very healthy thing.

Part of that I contribute to moving to a place where I can dream again--for myself and in my life. Last weekend, RJ and I went to a bunch of yard sales. I love roaming around a neighborhood yard sale with him. As we were out and about, we went into a couple of homes that were having open houses. RJ wanted to check one out to see how they were restoring the house, as it was in progress. It was fun to appreciate the workmanship. Then I was curious about another house, not wanting to lead the realtor on, but just a peek. It gave me a hint of what a house can cost in the area and how much home you can get and in what condition. It was the first time that I realized that I could really one day own a home again. I think given what I hope to have as an income when I get a job, I think I could one day swing getting a nice, little house. And I think it was important to view this as a possibility that I could potentially do on my own--in the way to know that I will be able to support myself and not rely on having to be with someone to do this. This is NOT a slight against RJ. If anything, I see this as me being able to have more to contribute if we consider more in sharing a future together.

It was refreshing to catch myself in that moment of dreaming and playfully considering the possibilities of my future, especially in such a positive way. It helps me to focus on me and to be thankful for what I have in my life and to not measure my life experiences with those of others. As my friend Karen said, "We each have to make our own happy." And that freedom to accept and appreciate my life allows me to enjoy more fully what others have in their lives for those who have meaning in my life. Again, a very good thing.

Then getting back to that nostalgic bug, Columbus has a lot of selection in music stations on the radio. There are several that play music that reminds me of high school and college. As much as I have tried to fight it, I have been thinking about my ex a bit more. Not in that way where I miss him or want to be with him, but just wandering thoughts of some of the good that we experienced together. I have felt very sad, but it has also been nice not to have vengeful or ugly thoughts related to him (*Oops, that one slipped.). In thinking about it, I wondered if I might be coming to a better place in reaching another level of forgiveness with him in letting go of the bad and the hurt. I am tired of feeling angry and maybe this was a sign that I am turning that corner or something has lifted. Many times I wondered if I could ever look back on the relationship with any kind of positive regard or if it had all been ruined in that my life during that period had been for nothing and a complete waste. But I decided that maybe how I was feeling recently was showing me that there was some good there and it was not all for naught, that there is meaning that I can positively take away for myself from that experience.

And with this new realization and acceptance I feel like I can better move forward in my life, especially in allowing my self to dream and in my relationship with RJ. Letting go helps me to be free and to have that space to enjoy more of life. It gives me better clarity as I work towards deeper resolve and acceptance. I am living my life for me! (Darn it!)

I just hope that I can hold onto that strength and level of forgiveness. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow or the coming days. I have a feeling that I may be in for experiencing a bit of an emotional hangover. Blughhhhh...

Lost and Found

When I got home from the gym the other day, I realized that I forgot to put my belt in my bag after changing out of my clothes from work. I called the gym right away and told them about it. They took my information and said that they would call me if they found it. They also asked if I was going to be in the next day to work out and I said yes. There was no call and it was not in the lost and found. I tried to be hopeful that someone would have turned it in at the desk. I was very sad as the realization began to sink in that it was really gone.

It was a really nice belt in the way that I could wear it with quite a few things. It went well with jeans or khakis. I could semi-dress it up for a relaxed preppy kind of look or I could dress it down with a t-shirt and comfy jeans. It was made of soft, worn brown leather with small, flat metal studs and a line of stitching of twine-like threading. It was so me. Soft and casual, yet with a subtle depth of layered detail. It was the perfect belt and I had had it for at least twelve years. It was an artifact from college that remained a classic staple in my wardrobe and I probably would have worn it until well past eighty. I'm a simple kind of person and not always one with a lot of accessories, so for quite awhile this was my only belt. (Why would I even need another one?) But now it is gone. I am so bummed.

But why? Why am I so emotionally invested and attached to the belt? I've tried to shake the feeling because it seems silly to have such feelings of loss over something material. So, what is it about this belt that is so hard to let go?

I guess it reminds me of college and my youth. It was a simple way to recall the past without breaking out an old, smelly t-shirt. And somehow I think the belt served as a way to connect my past and present by representing what was consistent in my identity across time and that certain elements would follow me into my future. There were several times in my life when I struggled with either loosing my identity or figuring out how to reclaim it or redefine it. But the belt was a constant--looking at it I would think, yep that's me.

But then there were times in the last year or so that as I would put on the belt and I would feel sad. And it always felt strange to have that feeling with something that I considered to be a favorite. But there were times that the belt would take me back to that dark, lonely place in my divorce when I felt so lost and alone and like my life was spinning out of control. It was because during that time I lost forty pounds (I had gained thirty pounds during the prior year while trying to get pregnant.). I was at a loss and felt helpless each time I had to pull the belt another notch tighter. I remember when I got to the last notch and it just wasn't tight enough. I felt scared and knew that I couldn't loose anymore weight and stopped stepping onto the scale when it dropped to 98 pounds. That was a low point in my life.

Well after I returned to a healthier weight, I wondered if maybe I should get a new belt. Why keep something that could sometimes draw out hints of sadness? But would I be abandoning something that seemed to symbolize what makes up me has always been there and use it to carry me forward? Is it better to hold onto something and learn to live with that trace of sadness or to come to a place where it is time to let it go and move on?

I guess the decision has been made for me--or perhaps it was my subconscious that decided for me. The belt is lost and gone and I will have to find a new one. I just hope that I can find one that is just as awesome, but in its own unique way. More reason to go shopping!

Columbus Bound

So it has been a little busy for me since my last post. And I kind of wanted to wait to share once everything was really in place and confirmed. But, yep--I'm going to Columbus for the summer! I feel really good about the program because they were really excited about me and I felt really excited about them, too.

Pittsburgh did make an offer and I felt honored. Before finalizing my choice, I talked to one more person on the staff. My main concern with passing up the internship in Pittsburgh would maybe hurt my chances of getting a job in their hospital once I have graduated. It made me feel better about my decision to go to Columbus because they understood the benefits of going to another hospital in developing my career. And it can help me in looking for a job in Pittsburgh when I am done because I will have something to bring back with some fresh ideas. It is a risk, but one worth taking.

On a personal note, it is important to me to go to Columbus because I want to be able to open up as many opportunities for myself once I am done with my graduate studies. About two years ago, when I really started my journey with pursuing my master's, I had no intention of staying in Pittsburgh. I wanted to tie up the loose ends of my divorce, get my degree and get out of this town. I lost half of my life with the divorce--half of the people I considered to be family-- grounding in familiar places with what had once been happy memories--my home--my hopes and dreams--my identity. Granted I had a few friends, but they are married and you can only be some one's third wheel for so long.

Then as I started going back to school, I decided I needed to put myself out there. I needed to be around people and I needed to be active and to feel alive again. Instead of waiting to finish my degree to restart my life, I chose to live in the moment right then and there. I felt free and wanted to make every moment count. It was scary, but also thrilling. And so I got to experience a whole different side of Pittsburgh. It was like I rediscovered the city and made it new all over again, just for me.

I am more involved and more connected. I have been able to share in the happy moments of rebuilding my life with my old friends and I have made new friends. I am thankful for these friendship because of the support I have felt from all of these very special people who have come into my life. And one of those special people is RJ.

But I want my decision to stay in Pittsburgh to be just that--my decision. By going to Columbus it will let me take a step outside of Pittsburgh and to experience another city. I will be able to test out how it might feel to move somewhere else and to start anew. It will give me a better perspective on how I really feel about Pittsburgh. I don't want to stay because I don't feel like moving my crap or because it is easy. I don't want to feel any regret or resentment about staying in Pittsburgh. It can't just be about a guy or because this is where I got stuck as a result of my divorce.

I hope that all will work out in the end. I am feeling a lot of pressure like I have to make a choice and that somehow it feels permanent. But I think I need to allow myself to be more fluid. And when I do get my first job after I graduate, that I should remember that this doesn't have to be the job I stay at for the rest of my life. If it doesn't work out, I can always change. I just have so many dreams I wish to happen and I am afraid of loosing more time.

All Too Much, But Moving Forward in Time

I hit a wall this past weekend. There have just been little things that have been adding up along the way. It came to a head when I was mapquesting directions on how to get to my godson's first birthday party.

It started with a short conversation that came up at dinner with a few of my unmarried girlfriends. One of the girls asked if she would need to be getting any new friends soon if we were going to leave her and all have kids. She has had a bunch of married friends that have recently become pregnant and one couple adopted. I don't think she is planning on having a family, but I think she still feels the pressure of feeling left behind as some people take a different path in their life. Children change lives and relationships. There are plenty of people who can feel sad by the changes in life as friends grow families, even if they haven't experienced IF. The conversation turned to us all having friends who have gotten pregnant and even lapped more than once. What hit me was thinking about the handful of friends of mine who are done growing their families. Not only have I been lapped, but I have friends who I try to support as they confront how their children are growing and will never be babies again and there will be no more babies to follow. That is sad. And life is not without sadness, babies or not.

Then at a party a guy happened to ask, "Dude is it normal to have pictures of other people's babies on your fridge?" Wake up man, we are not getting any younger and we are getting to that point in our lives that there are a lot of married people and they have their share of children. I felt sad for one of the ladies in the room who had a look of hurt. It seemed that maybe she, like me, hopes to have one of her own on some one's fridge someday.

And I wonder if anyone judges me in that I had been married once and "had my chance." It is a double edge sword to be divorced. I wonder if those who have not been married judge me in that "at least I got to be married." But I have a feeling that anyone who has known someone who has gone through divorce, has some insight on the pain and the vast reach of its destruction. But I try to be sensitive of those who are my age who have not been married and would very much like to share that with someone special.

Then New Guy and I went to a gathering for an out of town friend of his. I was not sure what all I was in for, but told myself, relax and no expectations--meaning no negative expectations. His friend is pregnant with twins and handling it with strength, gratefulness and grace. I was thankful for the evening not to include pregnant people complaining about being pregnant. And even though her parent's house was full of babies and small, energetic children, I handled it pretty well. It was nice to feel kind of normal, no impulses to go running through a wall--Kool-Aid Man style. Had I known New Guy's friends a little better, I would have asked one of the couples if I could have held their two-month old. But I know new parents can sometimes be a little weird, let alone with me being a stranger, so I didn't ask.

Then Sunday rolled around. I was originally going to go to Cleveland on Saturday, but I was just kept prolonging on when I would go on the trip. I wasn't sure why. But it hit me once I finished mapquesting the directions from my parent's house. My closest friends in Cleveland are married and have kids. I feel so left behind. I feel left behind from those friends with whom I have had the longest relationships in my life. As I was gathering my stuff to go, I welled up with tears. My dad asked what was wrong and took a few guesses--boyfriend, school or my move. The answer was clearly no on all of those and I told him that sometimes it is just really hard to be around babies or small children. My dad was sad with me and hugged me. He sighed. Then he said, that I would need to pull it together and be happy for my friend. I knew that and told him so. I just needed to let myself feel sad so that I could regather my composure and be in a place to be happy for my friend and my godson. And I felt incredibly guilty for this to be the moment to crumble. I am very happy for my friend and honored to be his godmother.

Sometimes I can be fine and sometimes I just fall apart. And while I have many more times in which I am fine verses the times that I am not, I just can't predict when those bad times will be. I guess in one way I have gotten to a healthier place in that I don't worry so much about my reaction around children or feel like I have to be on guard in regards to my reaction if I am around children. I try to take one moment at a time and deal with my emotions as they come. I think I was on a bit of baby-over-load/feeling left behind. It just all added up to be too much. And I realize there are still triggers out there for me. But I also feel that once I come across those triggers and understand why they cause the stir of pain within me, I am able to let those triggers go more easily or in time.

For example, the sight of a baby carrier that can be used as a car seat used to make me cry. But once I realized how that was connected to my loss of my future identity as a mother (shortly after everything fell apart with my ex), I was able to move beyond it. I had once been in a place where my identity was driven in the direction of motherhood. And when my relationship with my ex fell apart, I had to let go that I was not going to be a mother. I had to reform my identity and once I accepted the changes in my life, the car seat no longer had the same effect on me. Granted, I may one day still have the chance to be a mother, but that possibility is so far off the map for me right now. I have a lot more I have yet to do in my life before that could even begin to be a possibility again. I accept that, but it doesn't make it is easy sometimes.

Also, on a side note, I have had a recent rash of grandparents telling me all about their grandkids. It has been a bunch of random strangers in small talk and somehow grandchildren seem to come up. I don't know why this has been happening lately. And they tend to be the ones that are the happy complainers--we finally have grandchildren or those grandkids just wear me out. Thanks for sharing, I just feel like I've been sucker punched in the gut. They don't know me or my past, so I can't really be upset with them. But it still hurts.

Yep, I think grandparents are my new trigger. But I have been thinking about that one and I think it is related to feeling sad for my parents. My mom and dad had always been supportive when it came to the decision to have children when I was with my ex. It was not something they pushed and they respected the decision to have children is an important decision for the couple. They also said that if we wanted children, there was no pressure to rush and we should enjoy our time together--that children would come when they are supposed to come. When my ex and I shared that we were going to start trying, I just remember how happy they both were for us. I could see the excitement and twinkle in their eyes. Then with my divorce, I felt like my parents were teased with the prospect of having grandchildren. It was a loss for them, too--to be so close and to have it disappear. And my parents have never made me feel badly for it. I just feel sad when I think about it.

Why Do I Hold On? What Am I Holding Onto?

Over the weekend I took my wedding ring to the jewelry store to be cleaned. I have been contemplating selling it along with a few other things my ex had given me. The ring has been sitting in my closet for almost a year (and off of my finger for much longer) next to my wedding photos in a box.

Recently, I have asked myself what am I going to do with all of the photos? I am at a loss as far as what to do with my wedding photos and all of the other pictures of me with my ex. I just talked to my counselor about this recently. He said life is like a kaleidoscope and that your life is always rearranging and never stays the same. Some things that you may have may come to hold a different meaning for you or that you feel you no longer need some of that stuff. I told him that I get that, about the stuff. And I am glad that I did hold onto a few things until I was ready to let them go without any doubts. It is freeing in selling or giving some of the stuff away. But I told him that I struggle with the photos because those are different. I don't want them anymore, but I just don't want to throw them out either. I feel like it would be throwing a part of me away or leaving some kind of giant hole in my past. It was an investment in time and building a life that seems to have resulted in nothing. And I am grappling with how to tell my life history in moving forward. What do I want to keep? How do I put it in a context that doesn't seem like a big waste of time? How do I give that part of my life meaning or show its value? It is like I feel like I have to rationalize or explain that part of my life and that it wasn't a giant oops. I know there are lessons learned and all of my experiences build on who I am today. My life would not be where it is right now had not all of those events happened. I just find it difficult for those to understand who have not been through divorce. My life mattered, it all mattered--even if there is a lot of crap--it is still me in there somewhere--and I am tired of feeling like I have to justify it.

Then on Saturday morning, I took my wedding ring to be cleaned. I figured I may as well get it looking its best before I hock it, well that is if I go through with it. As I was walking out of the store and out to my car, I was looking at the diamond's familiar brilliance and symbol of promise. It brought me right back to the night that he proposed, a chilly March night under the stars in a cornfield we would frequent when looking for a place to be alone away from campus. I started to get a little teary and wanted to push it away. I got into the car, turned the ignition and felt myself getting further distracted while still holding the ring. Someone wanted my parking spot, so I pulled out. In my fog I was starting to realize the song Wonderwall by Oasis was playing on the radio, a song that brings me back to the beginning of my college days and when I knew I was falling in love with my ex. That is when I decided to give into my feelings and I pulled into another spot at the end of the parking lot with no people around.

I sat there letting the music wash over me as I stared at my ring. I thought about the happiness we shared and what we were supposed to share forever. I slipped the ring onto my finger, wondering if it was a mistake. It was like a test to see if I could do this and not cry, that it may be a sign that I was ready to let it go without regret. I cried less than the last time that I had put it on.

And then in another moment if felt strangely familiar and like it was supposed to be there, but with a complete disconnect from my former husband. I sat there curious as to why I felt that way. I think it is because it represented the strong connection to my past identity as a married woman. I was comfortable being a married woman--I loved being married. So then I took the ring off from my finger, still puzzling. Another moment passed and I cried a little bit more as the song was ending. I put it back into its box and drove away.

Thinking on it throughout the weekend, I have realized my past marriage will always be a part of who I am. But I know that is a past me. I also don't think there will ever be a day that I will be able to look at that ring or that diamond and not cry, but that is okay. It doesn't stop me to hope that one day I will get married again, to a person who loves and respects me.

So, why do I hold onto the ring? What am I holding onto?

First, I've held onto the ring because I do not want to face feelings of regret or loss once it is out of my possession for good. There is some finality in once again having to admit that my marriage is over, it failed. But I know I do not want to keep the ring, this I am certain. I do not want to melt it down and make it into something new. I have no child with him that I would want to pass along the stone. I just want to come to a day that I feel brave enough to sell it.

Second, I think I am trying to hold onto my identity, my whole identity. For so long, I was a married woman. I don't want to throw that away. But I think there may be a way for me to reconcile it all with myself. I can hold onto that identity as it relates to my past me, but acknowledging it is not the current me. I should not be ashamed of my past. And I think the more that I am okay with the current me and allow the future me to dream, the more I will be ready to let it go. And it is okay to cry, knowing that there may always be a trace of hurt which only shows I am human and allow my heart to feel. And if my heart is still open to feel, it will be open to love once again.

Wonderwall by Oasis


Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

A True Friend

I have to say that yesterday could have been a terrible day. It was a day with sadness and hurt of the past, but I let myself feel it and then carry on with my day. I did not fight the thoughts that passed in and out of my mind.

But one of the big things that helped most was a phone call that I got from one of my dearest best friends. Karen called me in the morning. I had an essay to write and I thought for a moment of not picking up the phone because I was in a good writing groove and the thoughts of what would have been my ten year anniversary were looming in my head. But then I thought, no, pick up the phone.

As Karen and I were talking, I asked her why she called and she said, "Just because."

She asked how I was feeling and then I stopped. I told her not so good and I asked her, "Did you call because you knew it was my anniversary?"

She said, "Yes, I figured today would be a hard day for you."

With that I teared up and out poured all of what I had been feeling about the day. And I told Karen about it and she just listened. And then I cried some more because it was so incredibly sensitive and insightful for her to call me on this day to check on me. Not many people remember anniversaries, or at least it seems like something more celebrated by the couple. And I would think the dates would easily slip out of some one's mind once the marriage is over. I was so touched that she not only remembered, but that she was also brave and supportive enough to call. It was exactly what I needed--to be heard and to be understood. I didn't even fully realize it until the end of the day. Karen allowed me to say out loud what I had been feeling so that it could escape from my reeling unconscious. It freed me to let the day be whatever it was to be. And actually, it turned out to be a pretty good day.

Thank you, Karen! You were my maid of honor and you certainly have never wavered in our long friendship. You are like a sister to me and know me so very well. You amaze me. You are a dear, sweet friend with a heart as big as the moon! I love you, girl!!!

Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago I got married to a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life. This was the anniversary I wondered about in what we would have done and accomplished in our lives together. I looked forward to making it to ten with a house, children, satisfaction in our careers, rich with family memories, and still being madly in love. I looked forward to that milestone and thinking that we would still be pretty young and being set to enjoy the prime of our lives. Not that I wanted to skip all of the years between, but I could really envision a future with him.

I am so very sad and hurt today, on what would have been our wedding anniversary. I don't want to be with him anymore. But today just really sucks. I am angry that he cheated on me. I am angry that I am thinking about my past with him. The loss of the happy memories makes me feel sad. I feel so mixed up and I would rather just forget about today.

Part of me wants to just curl up in bed and stay there all day. Part of me wants to treat the day as any other. But ten years just seems like too much to ignore. I thought last year would be difficult and it was. But I thought this year might have been easier and it is not. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of this day haunting me. It is too big for me, I want to give up this burden and to be free.

Another Crappy Thing...

I am mad and frustrated. It seems that there can be a misalignment in the progression of my life and how it may be perceived by others in my life. It is kind of like having a distant relative that always seems to think of you as the six year old you and not the adult you. It does not give credit to the time and experiences you have had since being six years old and that you are a different person.

So as I have written before, I have been dating. I may tell some of my family and friends about some of what has happened, but I may not get into a ton of detail. This is particularly true for the guys I dated in the spring. I understood it was new and did not carry expectations that it would go very far. I slowly let it leak out that I was starting to date so that my family and friends could get used to the idea that I was taking this step in my life. It seems so odd to have to let other people get used to the idea of me dating when it was not something that I was jumping into or doing as a way to prove my worth as a woman to myself or anyone. I really believe that when I started dating, I was really ready. And I know this from how I have felt about my experiences. It was not too soon or forced or rushed. I spent a lot of time thinking things through and was patient with myself to wait and to heal.

So it ticks me off when I feel like I am being judged about dating, whether it is too soon or if I would really be ready to see someone more exclusively. It is like some of my family and friends do not trust my own judgment on if I really know what I am doing or if I have any business in a relationship right now. But this isn't about if they are comfortable with me seeing someone exclusive. Guess what? I am ready and I want to enjoy the experience. It makes me mad when someone cannot share in my happiness.

I guess these feelings are amplified because I met this really great guy and I want to introduce him to the important people in my life. Since he is the first guy I have seen exclusively, I think some of my family and friends have been hard on him. And I don't believe it has anything to do with him and that this reaction would be the same if I inserted another guy. But to tell you the truth, by questioning my readiness for dating, they are missing out on a great person in my life. I feel badly for him to have to be the first and be put through this crap.

I should also say that most of my family and long-time friends are out of state. So they do not see me from day-to-day and cannot fully appreciate the changes in me. It is like there is this version of me that is stuck in their mind and I have to wait for them to realize that is not the current me. It is like I have to take these extra steps to prep them before introducing them to my new guy.

I am just thankful that my friends who are local are happy for me. I think they have a better idea of the current me. They have seen me at my lowest, but they have also seen me as I have picked myself back up in real-time. They have trust in me and that is so important. And I would have to say that is true of my BBC friends, too. These ladies have been reading and writing with me every step of the way. I am so grateful for their support, as well.

New guy, I am sorry you are being put through a lot. It is not a reflection on you and it is not fair. But please know that I think you are awesome, full of positive energy, and I am happy that you are sharing in my life and that I get to share in yours.

From a Tiny Seed, Come Big Dreams

I have some big news, some really big news! After volunteering at the hospital and steadily having conversations with a few people here and there, something big for me has evolved. My proposal for a pilot summer reading program has been accepted!!! It will be an eight week project and it is related to my graduate studies. It will be a great experience and falls right in line with what I will need to do for my final project to complete my program. If all goes well, this could be really fantastic for me!

And thinking on it, the whole progression puts me back to when I was in some of my darkest moments in my life, both on the heels of facing infertility and soon after in coping with my divorce. I had volunteered at other hospitals and I was looking forward to continuing it once I settled in Pennsylvania. I have heard from several sources that when you are feeling down and at your worst, sometimes that is the best time to give back. It helped to take the focus off of myself and allowed me to put my energy towards making someone's life better. It was a much needed break from outside of my own head and to feel purposeful. I did not realize it until I was able to step back. As the old hospital was closing and the new one was opening, everyone was invited to write on the walls in the hospital--patients, families, nurses, doctors, staff, and volunteers. My message reflecting my experience was deeply personal and at that moment I felt forever grateful for having an outlet from my pain. And I continue to feel grateful.

It was also around the time when I was reading Joel Osteen's book, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential. One thing that was mentioned in the book is the importance of planting little seeds. It is when you start doing good in whatever form and continue to cultivate it, good and unexpected things can happen. And that is exactly how this whole proposal came to be. About two and a half years ago I started volunteering at the hospital. I felt very motivated to speak up and share from my heart in promoting education for children receiving long-term care. I formed some wonderful relationships with people with genuine energy, passion, and vision. My time at the hospital also lead me to my current professional development path in working towards my Master's. And now I am blessed with an opportunity to promote my passions in literacy, tie it into my studies in applied developmental psychology, and expand my experiences at the hospital.

Two and a half years ago I felt so lost and broken. My identity continued to tumble and crash. As I was trying to figure out how I was going to put my life back together and move forward, I was blessed that my ex was flexible to allow me to continue my volunteer work and backhandedly supported my thoughts on going back to school. I say this because I don't think he thought I could really get into graduate school. His words were the right thing to say, but they were empty and hollow. He told me with a quiet sigh, "Jamie, you don't have to climb mountains." He thought my efforts to try to improve the school program and to promote educational rights of hospitalized children was too big for me. Glad to say he was wrong!

So now the real work begins! I am excited and nervous and in awe. It will be a lot to do, but so worth it. I want to make every moment count. I have a post-it from my adviser, who is ridiculously awesome, and it has become my new mantra.

GET TO WORK--You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.

It is awesome to have dreams. It is even better when you can make them happen.

Building Crap-o-la

After I received an email from a friend, I realized that I have been too quiet about my current feelings about my divorce. Her email referenced that sometimes it is best not to say anything if you don't know what to say. Which that is true and can help to avoid the word vomit. But on the flip side, it is also important not to let those feelings stay bottled up and fester. She said there is a time to speak, as well, so that you can feel heard and understood. It also opens you up to be able to have someone empathize with what you are going through. Suffering in silence is not an answer, which was my friend's point and the same can be said for me.

I think that has been my problem lately. I just want to leave the mess of divorce behind, but this divorce stuff just resurfaces. Trying to ignore it and carry on with my life is not working. I've been realizing that this cloud that is divorce can creep in every once in a while and ambush me. I have to give myself permission to revisit and reflect when needed.

I didn't know why, but I have been feeling sad and just tired lately. I am tired of feeling broken. I am tired of it feeling like there are all of these happy couples my age enjoying all that was supposed to have been for me--a loving and respectful husband, a house, kids, and being completely engrossed with all that comes with it.

But no, I am angry because I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines. Starting over is so very difficult sometimes. I feel like I am so far behind with my life goals and dreams and wonder if they will ever come true. Facebook is not helping with seeing the profile pics that pop up in the friend suggestions. I see so many elementary, high school, and college friends and acquaintances that have what was supposed to be mine now. It is a streak of jealousy and I hate it. I loath the sick feeling I get sometimes when seeing happy married couples or people holding their cute kids. Ugh...time is not my friend right now. I wonder if I will find a man who will love and respect all of me, let alone have time to do the other stuff.

I am angry that my ex quickly and carelessly tossed aside all that was our past, as if it never happened or meant anything. I feel used up and like he took some of the prime years of my life that could have been spent with someone who would have valued them. He said he didn't really love me and was just going along with what he thought was expected of him. If that is really how he felt, why couldn't he just let me go? Did he really just string me along for 14 years? Or can he not admit to his mistakes and tells me this lie? I don't get how something that seemed so right could go so wrong so fast. I don't think I will ever know if he just didn't love me as much as I loved him from the beginning or if it is pride that will not allow him to admit that any part of our past relationship was true and real so that he can justify cheating on me.

Someone asked me this past weekend the "what happened?" after nine years of marriage. The length of our 9 to 14 years together seems to say that it wasn't just a young fling, that there must have been something substantial there. He said he knew of others who he was in shock of in getting divorced and he wondered if it was just a front with being the model couple. I hate when people say that kind of thing, and I felt badly for his friends that he put on a pedestal. It's like, yep thanks for making me feel even worse for disappointing you that my marriage fell apart. Here, let me hold your hand. It's not like it sucked the big one for me. It makes me want to scream. No this is not what I wanted! I did not choose this for myself and no, I was not faking the relationship. I feel like some people just want to know what was wrong so they don't "catch it." Ugh...

Hopefully, this will help to get some of this negativity out because I'd much rather focus on the good stuff in my life. And there have been some really good things mixed in with some really good moments when I feel like I am on top of the world and can hardly recognize my life--in the good kind of way.

Not-So-Happy Mother's Day

I feel like crap and totally selfish. I was absolutely miserable on Mother's Day and wanted to crawl into a hole. It was worse than Valentine's Day. And I put off calling my own mother until the afternoon, which I felt completely guilty about because I love my mom dearly and she has been nothing but supportive...especially with enduring all of the crap that has been my life these past few years. She deserves more and she deserves better.

But I guess I just felt ticked off at the world with feeling like I was being dictated on when I should be expressing loving and heartfelt thank you's to mothers. I wanted to be stubborn, not have some day tell me when to share my appreciation to all the mothers out there and joining in the skipping rainbows and gushy moms are the best thing ever stuff surrounded by pink fluff and sweet flowery goodness. I even had someone wish me a happy mother's day on Friday as I left work. WTF? The first time I am wished a happy mother's day in my life and I am not even one year out of my divorce. Instead I was numb and just closed myself off.

When I talked to my mom, I wanted to tell her how I really felt on the inside. I wanted to tell her how much I appreciate her strength and unwavering support as I have gone through some of the very crappiest things in my life. I just wanted to get off of the phone because I knew I was doing a poor job of expressing any kind of genuine sentiment. I was so disappointed in myself.

And I felt crappy again when a friend of mine called to share in how terrible it was for her to deal with Mother's Day. I'm sorry, darling. I was numb and not doing a good job of supporting you in the way that I wanted. My heart aches for those who are not mothers and who so want to be mothers on this day. It is not even like Valentine's Day where you can be somewhat open about your anger. Who wants to be the jerk to openly vent about Mother's Day? It is again, one of those unspoken pains that many women carry as a burden for more reasons than I could imagine.

It wasn't until I talked to my mom today that I was able to really tell her how I feel. I told her when she comes into town that I would want celebrate her own Mother's Day. I told her I was sorry that I couldn't bring myself to really celebrate and thank her properly. She said she knew and it was why she called earlier in the week before Mother's Day. My mom had already thought it would be a real possibility the weekend could be difficult for me this year. She wanted to know how I was doing and if I was okay. (Humbly, with a gulp.) Wow. That's why I love my mom because she never stops loving me and she so often seems to be so aware and thoughtful. I don't know how she does it.

As much as I hate to admit it, this Mother's Day was just another reminder that I am not a mother and so very far away from that dream. It is just another reminder that I don't even have that someone special to share my life with to even begin to dream that dream again.

Which, that brings me to a little green sleeper and two teddy bear onesies.

I knew I was ready to give away the adoption books I had when I could look at them an not cry. I felt ready when I threw away all of the informational pamphlets from the various adoption agencies. With a deep breath and courage I knew it was time when I put the paperwork I completed from the chosen agency into the shredder. Although, I did cry when I returned the rest of the baby things I bought from the store. I was grateful for the lady behind the counter when she stopped herself from asking the reason for the returns or if there was anything wrong with the merchandise.

But I could not bring myself to return the little green sleeper and the two teddy bear onesies. I don't bring them out to look at them much. And with each rare time that I do, it hurts less. But for some reason I just cannot let them go just yet. I almost feel like if I give them up, that I am giving up on my dream of one day being a mother. When I bought them, I imagined putting them on my own Jamie baby and holding my little one. They almost represent a kind of hope, and it is a hope I am not ready to let go of yet.

But I also know that if I ever did have a child, I would not want to dress my child in those items. I know that one day I will donate them to someone in need. And maybe I will be able to detach my hope from them without having to give up on the dream. Sometimes it feels so foolish and silly to dream for a child when I don't even have the relationship to share in the dream. (And please do not tell me that I can be a mother without a husband...I don't want to do the single mother thing.)