Chinese Takeout

While doing some Christmas shopping and running some errands, I was drawn to the toy aisle in the drug store* (not just any drug store, but the end all be all of drug stores).

I don't know why, but this year I've been really excited about looking for toys.  Because of infertility, it has been a long time since I have enjoyed shopping for children's gifts.  Well, at least in terms of toys or clothes.  I've hidden behind the safety of books for many years, which my godchildren and little cousins have enjoyed.  I love books and I'm really good at picking them out.  And I'm told the kids look forward to it because they can't wait to see what I find for them.  It has become my niche and not everyone gives books, so it is kind of special.  And that was kind of my thing before the whole infertility cloud of darkness.  However, it has been a safe haven because I can either go to one store or go online to get all of my holiday shopping done.  Low risk for triggers.  Sadly, not exactly a place swarming with children.  We'll hope they are at the library picking out free books to borrow!

But this year was different.  Something shifted and I wanted to venture down the toy aisle.  Granted this was not the toy aisle of a big toy store, but it was toys.  I just let myself peruse and get lost in the fun of just looking.  I had no real goals.  Just looking.

Then, I was drawn to this toy.

At first glance, I laughed.  Play food has become so much fun, and it comes with a fortune cookie.  Then I had some sad feelings, the ones of longing.  But it was cute, and cooler than the cheeseburger.

I sent the picture to T~ on my phone followed by a texting conversation.

Me:  If I was a mom, would this be the kind of toy my child would have?

Me:  "Mommy is a terrible cook, so we got takeout!"  :O

T~:  We totally would have that!  "Mommy and Daddy expose me to all kinds of culturally diverse, delicious foods!"

Me: (Insert happy blow kiss face emoji.)

Maybe one day.


*Discount Drug Mart--The jingle sums it up nicely.  Discount Drug Mart saves you the run around.  You'll find everything you need!  I bet you can Google it or find it on YouTube.  Growing up in my hometown, this was (is) the go-to store to meet your errand needs.

Seashells and Sunshine

Sometimes things seem so perfectly timed, but were unplanned to begin with.  I love when spontaneity makes life feel magical and alive.

Last weekend, a college friend of mine invited T~ and I to join her, her husband and their child at the beach.  They were staying at her dad's beach house for a couple of weeks on a private island along the Gulf of Mexico.  Within a few hours we made the plans and the next day T~ and I drove out to the coast.

It was a lovely weekend and exactly what I needed at just the right time--time with an old friend, a weekend away from home, time at the beach, sharing my friends with T~ and spending time in good company.  It was just the right amount of time spent with good people, nature and taking it easy with no real plans.  I felt relaxed, rejuvenated and free--things I haven't felt in a long time.  And I loved sharing my friends with T~.

One thing that I enjoyed about the weekend was just being lovey with T~.  We had an opportunity or two to go walking on the beach just the two of us.  We had some meaningful conversations.  I shared with T~ that I am tired of waiting to live my life and that I don't want to put things on hold until the rest of life catches up to be just so.  We talked about us and our future and hoped next steps while collecting shells and walking along the surf.  I felt beautiful, content and happy.

Lack in (Visible) Posts

I remember reading a few times in some of the blogs I follow when the writer shared they were hesitant to post something because they realized that there were somethings they didn't want to share with everyone who may be reading their blog. I have come to that bump. So while I have been writing a lot, I just have not been making the posts public. It is out of respect for privacy.

Second, I have also debated on whether or not I wanted to blog about some of my internship experiences. I mean, I wouldn't blog about things that would clearly fall under HIPPA regulations. I've just had a lot to digest in my own journey in working towards becoming a Child Life Specialist. Work stuff is also a sensitive area that I would rather not get into in the blogging world. But it is what has been filling my days and my mind lately, as it should. I have been learning a lot and I am thankful for this opportunity at the hospital. I still fully agree with my decision to come to Columbus for my internship as there have been so many benefits--professionally and personally--even it is not always easy. But then again, it seems that when you are having a growing experience, there are challenges to face and to work through to get to your ultimate goal. But in the end, it will be worth it.

And as the end is coming near with just three weeks left, I hope to build the confidence I need to finish strong. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers--especially when it feels like so much is on the line. I've taken a big risk in going back to school full-time and taking my career in a different direction away from teaching. There are days when I wonder if I have made the right choice. Then there are days that I feel on top of the world with the excitement of feeling like this is what I was really meant to be doing and that everything else was leading me into this place.

I hope there will be a job for me at the end of this journey in the place that I dream. However, sometimes I am afraid to just come out and say it because I am afraid of getting my hopes up or having too many expectations. After loosing so much of my life once before, it can be really difficult to fully get lost in dreaming again. Having been in a place where everything had been so carefully planned only to have it smashed over and over and over again from so many angles and directions, I have a hard time trusting that things will really work out for me. I so want to believe that I will not only find my happy--or really, make my happy--but that I will also get to fully enjoy, savor, and live that happy.

Lessons From My Roots

I never fully realized my family was lower-middle class until I was a junior in college. I mean, there were clues in high school, but I didn't really take too much stock in it being from a small town.

This blog post, "The Mental Burden of a Lower Class Background," brought me back to that realization.

I didn't think of my family as rich, but certainly not borderline poor. I always felt lucky and that it was a privilege that my mom stayed home. I was proud that my dad had his own business for awhile, understood his reasons for selling it and getting a job with the city. There was good food on the table, presents at Christmas and birthdays, and our family usually took a summer vaction trip somewhere with plenty of memories of taking it on the road. Looking back I can better appreciate how creative my parents were in their budgeting to provide life enriching experiences for us--visiting museums, state parks, and zoos--experiences in the city and out in the country--and trips to the ocean and up to the woods of Northern Michigan. You can have a good and happy life without having a whole lot of money. There can be an artful balance of living simply and fully by focusing on what matters most and living in the presence of today.

And my mind continues to dance in the dream of having a house...something simple and cozy and allowing me the freedom to explore the world around me. Sometimes there can be an appreciation of having less so it can let you live life larger in other ways.