Still Looking Up

A very good friend in Pittsburgh has reminded me on several occasions to remember to be patient and kind with myself during this time--as I am processing and coming to terms with the end of my relationship with RJ. For some reason coming to terms seems more bearable than accepting right now. My heart is sad and confused in not understanding why he walked away when we both still love each other.

Another wonderful friend wrote an email to me and shared...maybe it IS as simple as you want more than he is prepared to give. Or will ever be able to give. And he is letting you go so that you can find happiness and fulfillment.

However, I cannot wrap my head around how you can get so close to someone and then place a limit on it. That is not how I operate, and I am not sorry for that. So, I will stop trying to figure out that other kind of mentality.

The beauty of love is that there is always more to give. It does not run out. It does not hurt the person to receive that love if you are being authentic and genuine with your intentions at that moment in time. With the right amount of trust, patience and understanding, love can be nurtured exponentially and deepen the connection between two people and have great satisfaction and fulfillment. Our time in this world is fleeting and I would rather give--even if it does not result in a hoped or desired outcome--than to later question or regret not doing something more. I try to hold onto hope for myself that I will meet a man who is my match--in equally giving of his commitment, love and respect.

Most of the irritated stream of my thoughts stem from that RJ says he loves me, but did not want to hurt me if it were to end or when it did end. At some point he checked out and I have tried to figure out what was the tipping point. Did he first check out and then saw the end would have to come? Or did he put too much pressure and worry into the what if's and it took him out of the picture? Was it that he could not envision a future with me or is it that he is scared? I'm not sure if I want to know the answer to those questions. Or even if they matter.

So on that note, with the pendulum of all that are my feelings right now, I have another song that brings me a mixture of feelings. It is I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz . I love the way the song just feels like that unabashed, got-to-give-it-your-all kind of love. There is also a patience in it, in knowing that sometimes timing may be off, but that special person is worth waiting to catch up in order to be ready and on equal grounding.

I first heard the song on the radio as I parked my car by RJ's house on the night that I reaffirmed my feelings for RJ and shared that I was ready for a deeper level of intimacy with him. I sat in the car and listened to the whole song. So, sometimes I feel sad when I hear the song because of all the potential that I saw in building and sharing a life with RJ. We shared many interests and he had many qualities that I loved about him.

Then other times more recently, I will listen to the words and think, that is how it should be and I do deserve more. I mean, it has to be out there if people write poems and songs about it all of the time. Right?

Today I discovered a few more words that struck me.

...at least we did intend for us to work...

And there it is--the wisdom and the acknowledgement of the risk that you have to stay open and positive if you want a relationship to have a chance to develop, grow and evolve. It speaks to the foundation of the relationship. Each person's heart is so delicate and you should be mindful in how you enter and stay their world, for them and yourself.

Lingering Conversations

So, after that first conversation two weeks after RJ broke up with me, we have talked a couple more times. When he came over the first time, it was after a slight misunderstanding in each of us thinking the other had something they wanted to say. When we figured out that neither had anything planned, I took it as an opportunity to talk about tying up loose ends.

One of the hardest parts was in giving RJ back his keys. As I dug into my pocket to get them out--because I knew my hands would be fumbling if I tried to take them off my key ring in front of him--RJ started to shake his head no in protest and neither one of us could look each other in the eye. He told me again that I really did not have to give them back and shook his hand away. As the tears came rolling and my voice could barely get the words out, I told him that I did not want to give them back, but that I thought it would be best. RJ took them and then hugged me tight and we cried.

It was so difficult for me to give back the keys because when I looked at them, it just brought me back to that summer day that RJ first gave them to me. I went with him as he made several copies so that if he were to get locked out of his apartment, there would be spares. He gave one to me and I remember saying with a big grin, "Really? You want me to have one." He said yes with a smile--both with his lips and in his eyes. It felt really special, and it was special. He was the first man to give me the keys to his home. It was so meaningful in both feeling the trust that he had in me and in our relationship that it was really going somewhere.

And then in that moment as he held me close, I asked RJ a question I had been burning to ask. I asked him, "Do you have any feelings of anger or bitterness towards me?" I knew the answer really should not matter because even if he did, it should have no barring on my self-worth. But I asked the question for me. I asked it because of how things ended with my ex-husband and how by the end of it A~ just absolutely hated me--hated me for existing, hated me for just being and hated me for being in his way of attaining what he thinks will be his true happiness. I know A~'s thought process was unfair and that he was projecting his frustrations onto me for which I was not responsible. There were two people on that August day that both committed to the marriage. But it was still so devastating to hear and to feel that kind of intense anger after being with him for fourteen years, part of which I thought included love and happy memories. How can you hate someone for being married to you when you are the person who was the major contributor to destroying it? And even in emotionally deflecting back that responsibility of A~'s change in feelings, I still could not help but feel that negative energy.

So, I asked RJ my question. RJ emphatically said no that he did not feel angry with me. He said that as much as he thinks this break up is what needs to happen that he still loves me and that there will always be a part of him that will love me. RJ then continued that he feels that we formed a deep connection. He said it is very hard for him to make those kinds of connections with people and that once he does, he does not let those go.

I found relief in that RJ does not hate me like in the way that my ex-husband did. I found comfort that he still had positive feelings surrounding me and what we experienced. But RJ's admission also hurt because I just do not understand how you can love someone and walk away. I just do not get it.

He did insert that if I did do something to hurt him, that that would change, but quickly reiterated that no he still cared very much for me. I told him that I don't want to hurt him. I think that comment may speak to either a fear of getting hurt or that vulnerability that we are both feeling with being unsure of how it is all really going to end. But I think that if two people want a peaceful ending, even if it is sad, that can happen.

Then RJ shared something that is reflective of his spiritual side. RJ told me that as silly as it may sound, he hopes or would like to think that in the next life we will cross paths. He said, "I hope that we run into each other and that we hug each other. And that we both say, 'Thank you. Thank you for being there in my life because you were exactly what I needed then and I got exactly what I needed from you.' "

And those are the words that I try to hold onto because in some ways it speaks of hope that there will be better for each of us to come. I feel that what RJ shared in that conversation on that day helps to validate that the time we spent together and what we had was real and that it was special and meaningful.

And then RJ read my blog...

the last one with him in it...

and he was upset.

I got an email from him, which was also in response of a few things we needed to take care of doing, but I could see the extra space where he clearly deleted some things. I felt sick because this was not how I wanted things to end, especially after our last conversation.

So, with still looking for a job and having some extra time at home, I decided to walk over to his apartment.

It was strange to walk up the steps to his front door. It reminded me of the first time I came to his door and he invited me into his apartment before a bike ride. I rang the doorbell, which was probably broken. So, I stood there deciding if I should try the back door. As I turned to go down the stairs and lifted the latch to open the gate to walk into the back yard, I glanced over my shoulder half expecting to see the old Italian couple sitting on their front stoop. Of course they wouldn't because it is winter, but in my mind's eye I pictured them as I saw them so many times that first summer and they would laugh and wave as I walked those same steps with what I imagine as a glint of excitement to see RJ. As I climbed his back steps up to the landing on the second floor, I paused before knocking, taking in the view of other tiny city back yards, the walk with the rose garden and the back of the church parking lot where so many couples and their wedding parties bustled to and from the church for the ceremony. I remembered sitting on the rails of the landing talking to my friends on my phone about this amazing guy. Still standing, I remembered the slow warming of summer mornings as RJ watered his garden or the back and forth from the kitchen to the yard for barbecues or the starry nights as we left his apartment for some nighttime fun down the block. I remembered the first summer looking out of RJ's kitchen window and wondering, "Will I be in this kitchen the following summer? I certainly hope so, it feels like it. Will that one day be us in that church parking lot?"

My head was becoming full in these fleeting thoughts. And not wanting to indulge in them for any length of time, I pushed them aside because I just did not want to feel the sadness in not ever experiencing them again. I pushed them away as I raised my hand up to knock on the door and RJ answered. He answered with a quiet hello. Cutting past the small talk, I told him right off that I read his email. He paused and I invited him to come outside. Fortunately, it was one of those warmer 50 degree winter days. But somehow the temperature seemed almost non-existent.

RJ apologized for sending me the email and that he had been avoiding reading my blog, but did this morning. I told him not to apologize for sharing his feelings and that I would rather know he was upset and be able to talk about it. I told him how I noticed his editing and that he didn't fire off everything that he was thinking and that maybe it was good to get it out and then delete it--to which he looked down with a slight knowing laugh.

Then, RJ shared that he was upset because he felt that he had been completely honest about how he felt about us along the way and that the break up was not a complete surprise out of no where. I asked him how much of my blog he read, if he had just read the one entry or others too. He said just the one. I told him that there were other entries that talked about the leading doubts and that the surprise came from the fact that I was not expecting the break up that morning. He said he was surprised by it too and it was not planned. I told RJ that he was as honest as he could be in sharing his concerns about the relationship along the way. However, I felt he was inconsistent in sharing the good things and the love that he felt for me. I felt there were times that he seemed to show he cared in big ways and I was hoping not to be grasping for straws in searching that he really loved me. I told him that you have to share the good stuff too and sometimes that includes saying it.

RJ said that he gave everything that he could put into the relationship and that he was in it fully. But RJ and I agreed that we would go round and round as far as to the argument of how one can be fully in the relationship if they are worrying or thinking about it ending. I feel that if you are in that mindset or fear, it does take you out and that was what was missing. And RJ said he gave everything that he had, which I can understand to a point. I told him that I also gave everything that I had, but there were times that I became aware that I was not in it 100 percent. I would then re-evaluate and work through those fears to then give more of myself. I always gave 100 percent of what I knew I had to give.

RJ mentioned that there were times that I would talk about the future in what if's in not being certain if we would be together or not. And then it hit me as for part of my role. I talked in what if's because I was afraid of chasing RJ away in pushing too much too soon or in getting ahead of myself. I just felt like I was not in a place to really talk about marriage with having to finish grad school. I later told RJ I was terribly sorry for that. I did not mean to give him mixed messages about if we could have a future together. But I also told him that it took time for me to get to that place to be ready and that was a large part of what I was trying to get at when I admitted my feelings to him in wanting more, more with him. But part of me now wonders, if he really wanted more then, why didn't he just say it or ask about it? Why did he not question or address it with me?

RJ also added that it is not about being afraid of him getting hurt. He said that he was holding back because he was afraid of me getting hurt. He said how he did not want to hurt me like how my ex hurt me. RJ said in all that I shared he was able to see how devastating it was for me, or in his words--destroyed me. He said it must be so difficult for my family and friends to see me in another relationship and ask what will happen if it happens again? I told him I knew I should not have told him, but he said no that he wanted to understand who I was and where I was coming. To his credit, he did listen well. And what I did share with RJ was not every detail, but it was more in that I am feeling sad and this is why so that you don't think it is you or this is the lens that I see the world because of my experiences but I make every effort to not project them onto you. I told him that I knew I was still processing the loss during our relationship and I did not want it to be unfair to him. And in some ways there was no way to process certain things related to my past relationship without being in a new and serious relationship. But I told RJ that I also feel that I have grown, become stronger and moved through it. I asked him if he had read the entry about the dream and he said no. I feel frustrated that RJ does not seem to recognize the new strength and confidence within me.

And still it remains that RJ says he just does not want to hurt me like how I have been in the past. Again, I could go round and round on that one, but his mind is made up. It is not my job to convince him to be with me.

On a final note, RJ said that if I walk away with nothing else, it is that he wants me to know that the relationship ending is not because of something that I did or did not do. He feels that we both did everything that we could have done, even with trying to replay or find certain moments that could have gone another way. He feels we both acted in ways that were true to ourselves and in giving as much love as we could give. Was it timing? Did he not feel safe coming to me to show his vulnerability?

Before I left, we hugged once more on that back porch landing under a bright blue sky. It was then that I realized how cold I felt from standing outside for as long as we did. I was actually starting to shake.

I am just so very, very sad in that the relationship couldn't work and that it has to end. I just do not get it. I do not understand how you can love someone and walk away. I am deeply saddened that he cannot see my strength and resolve. However, during this conversation and in wrapping up I shared with RJ how much his words from our last conversation meant to me. It was real.

Moment to Want to Laugh Out Loud

So, I was shopping for a new interview suit and had a coupon that I did not get a chance to print from my email. The sales girl said that if I could bring it up on my phone, she could then get the promotion code from it and still honor the coupon. Great! When it finally came up on my cheapy phone, the sales girl tried to blow up the image like a touch screen. I told her, "Oh no, hon...my phone doesn't work like that." And then she tried two more times.

I'm not sure who should be a tad more embarrassed. The sales girl who did not seem to notice my phone was open with it's slide-out-keyboard (and obviously not having a screen large enough to be a touch screen) or me with having the cheapest phone you can get with a slide-out-keyboard that does not require a data plan (because the keyboard is my crazy frill to have with a cell phone).

At least she was sweet and helped me to save some money!

Good-bye RJ

RJ and I talked earlier this week. No surprises, but I was able to talk to him about my three main areas of concern--lack of respect for not calling me, feeling like he did not give us enough time, and that he was making the decision about our relationship without me...in that hey if you sense things are off, talk about it, explore it, and at least try to figure out the "why" before you run.

I told RJ that I felt that part of that missing piece in the relationship was that he wouldn't communicate how he really felt about me. While I respected that he did not want to lead me on, I also felt that he was holding himself back. If you love someone, you say it. You don't fear that you will change your mind or that the relationship may end sometime down the road. You have to be honest and communicate with that person in that moment because otherwise it does not allow the relationship to grow. It restricts it, creates confusion or mistrust, and puts up a wall.

He talked about how he had really been hurt in the past. But I told him he hadn't talked to me about that in a long time and I didn't know how he felt about it now. Then I said that is why you have to check-in with the relationship from time to time and let the other person know how you are truly feeling. Loving someone is scary sometimes. It is also takes a lot of work. Loving someone is a choice that you make every day.

I just feel really angry because I feel that of all people that he could have tried to be more open and honest about fears of getting hurt was with me. I know what it is like to get hurt badly. RJ said there wasn't anything that I did do or did not do in our relationship to end it. He said he just felt like he wasn't fully into the relationship and did not want to be wasting any more of my time. I just don't understand what was missing for him. And maybe I cannot relate because I was willing to put my whole heart into the relationship with what I had to give along the way. If you are not fully into the other person or the relationship, then what is the point? I just don't know why I couldn't see that he was not in it all the way. Or maybe I did, but I did not want to read into things too much and assume there was a problem and kind of create one if there wasn't one.

And I am also angry because I feel that with so much of what we talked about could have brought us closer together and made our relationship stronger before the breaking up. Had RJ been more honest and open in sharing how he felt scared and vulnerable, we could have validated and comforted each other. Again, love can be scary because anything worth doing takes thought and consideration. And if you are just mindlessly going along with it and just doing what is expected, the relationship becomes empty. And as I have been trying to tell him in coming to my own life conclusions, it is that you cannot be scared about the what if's...will the person leave me, will the relationship end...you have to make the best decisions that you can with the information that you have at the time and how you feel about that person in that present moment.

Ugh...

We left on as good of terms as possible that night. There were times that we hugged and cried a few tears, but there was also a distance with it. When the conversation turned towards how we would be moving forward...exchanging stuff, communication...RJ became emotional. Either he is not fully resolved in his decision or he is trying to leave room to string me along. If it is the first thing, then I feel so angry for him making his choice in such haste. I don't understand how he can say that he still has feelings for me, but thinks breaking up is the right thing to do. Can't you nurture love? Then if it is second thing, I would loose a lot of respect for him and I don't even want to think of that as a real possibility. It is very difficult for me because I want to believe the best in people, but I am afraid I am very naive in that way.

As RJ left that night, he seemed at a loss. As we hugged, I shared that it is really hard for me to see my life without him, but mumbled that it would probably be better not to communicate. He seemed to agree, but I felt it odd to be taking the lead in setting expectations of how it would end.

After he went out the door, I walked back out to his car for one last hug. I felt like there was something still left unsaid. I told him that I would not regret the relationship with him and that our time was special to me. Then I said thank you. That is when we really hugged each other. I told him I wished we could have just one more night, but softly laughed it off...knowing it could have been beautiful, but then that much harder to let go in the morning. RJ said something like, me too. With one more hug and a quick, gentle kiss on the lips, I walked back inside without looking back and he drove away.

Since RJ was going to the gym, I decided to make a mad dash to his place and get the rest of my stuff that I wanted. I just did not want to put it off any longer and knew it would be harder later. I needed to do it for me, so that I could really begin the process of moving forward. I sent him a text to let him know so that it would not surprise him coming home, and I said that I did it out of a caring place.

I continued that I felt that we had ended things with dignity and peace when we parted. And I wrote that that I will miss the "us" terribly and that I will hold a fondness for him in my heart. RJ responded that he can't even explain to himself what he is feeling. I asked him if he wanted to come over, if there was something more to say...I kind of had that feeling that maybe he was rounding near that break when a relationship is ending and you share what was truly special about that person and the experience. He said maybe later and that he didn't think he could handle it well at the moment. I said that that window is now and that we wouldn't have much more time, but I would respect it if he did not want to come over. I was hoping he would because I felt that because we were both so raw, there could have been a refreshing honesty in just being together as a final good-bye...more than words. I felt it just before he drove away in that last hug, when you really open yourself up one last time to honor what was real and special in the relationship. So, I will just hold onto that last hug and kiss because that is as close as I think RJ can get to really letting me back into his heart to have a deeper good-bye.

Fingers and Toes Crossed

I had a really important job interview yesterday. I did my very best and I just keep praying that I will get called back for the second interview. Hopefully, the call will come in about two weeks. Keep your fingers crossed with me or send any good vibes my way!

Until then, I will just keep plugging away. I keeping thinking about the words from one of the speakers at my graduation. She said, "Don't let fear be stronger than your faith." It has become my new mantra...for every part of my life when I need to dig deep for strength.

Tuesday Mourning

As I was flipping through my personal journal today, I came across an entry that was dated in the beginning of December. And it was then, that I realized was the large turning point in my readiness for a greater intimacy.

About three weeks ago I gathered up the courage to tell RJ how I felt about him. We were laying in bed and reading when I playfully put down my book and snuggled closer behind him. I looked at him peaking around his shoulder and said, "You know, RJ, I'm crazy about you." I told him that I was thinking about the saying that life happens while you plan it--and that I was ready for more. He asked me if it was because I was over my ex and I said yes, but it was more than that. I told him that I know it might sound a bit premature, especially not having a job yet, but that I didn't want to wait to tell him how I felt. He smiled and asked, "So, when did you decide this?" I cocked my head to the side with a pause and said, "I don't know. It just sort of happened." I told him that I loved him and he said it back as we turned off the light and cuddled up to sleep for the night.

I thought of RJ's question as odd and it has been lurking in my brain. I also didn't think that he really got fully what I was trying to say either. So when I was on the phone the next day, and somewhat against better judgement because I would rather be face to face with this kind of conversation, I revisited what I said because I loved RJ so much and I just did not want to keep it in any longer. I wanted no regret in having waited to tell him how I felt. So I clarified that what I was saying the night before was not about my past relationship and getting over my ex. It was about having that space in between to build that knowing and trust and confidence that I really loved him and that I was really ready for more and that I wanted more with him. It was about being future oriented, or more accurately present oriented. With getting as close to saying that I was finally ready to start thinking about marriage again, I asked RJ if he understood what I was trying to say. He said yes with a slight knowing laugh as I probably sounded a bit like a school girl trying to admit a crush.

There was a pause in the conversation with that feeling of "Aaaand?" But he did not say anything. I nervously changed the subject as I did not want to pressure him. We made plans that I was going to pick up some sushi as I was leaving from the gym and he had just missed his turn to go to the grocery store on his way home from tennis.

"So, when did you decide this?"

It kept floating in the air.

Today I reread the journal entry and where something small shifted inside of me to build the momentum of a large change within me.

Then I had a weird dream with A~ in it. It was a gray kind of day that was seeming to wait to rain but it never does. He was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt and a tan spring coat--like our sophomore year in college. Suddenly, we were kind of polka dancing side by side down the sidewalk of Woodstock by Surrey Lane--the path I took when walking to high school. It was a weird, kind-of-happy-to-see-each-other feeling, although happy is too strong of a word. It was distantly pleasant and somewhat reminiscent. But we could not keep a beat together. We kind of lightly laughed it off and continued to drift apart in our own separate dances. It was somewhat peaceful and somewhat sad.

Then later this evening, I sat in the car as a song came on the radio by Adele--Someone Like You, while also remembering the dream as I woke in the morning. Sometimes I cannot make up my mind if I like the song or if I hate it. It is like the song has a new twist of sadness or relief each time I hear it. This time was sad. I sat and cried because all of a sudden I just really missed the old A~. It was a sadness that runs along with distance. It was not a longing to want him back. Just a plain old, I miss him. I miss the good times we had. I miss the old, lighthearted A~ with almost not a care in the world--relaxed--with a boyish innocence.

The dream seemed to represent a final, peaceful good-bye--the one I did not get to have. There was no bitterness or anger in the dream. It just was. It was a good-bye to what I held close to my heart, the good part of what I had loved about him. And in the dream we could not make it work, but somehow it was okay. And I was okay--and I was freed.

Something was lifted and a new calmness, certainty and confidence began to grow inside of me. I was finally building towards the readiness of truly wanting to marry someone again. And I didn't want it to be just anyone. I told RJ I was ready for more with him. I did not define it or put a timeline on it or a request for details--just a signal to let him know I was ready if he was ready to maybe explore or consider the possibilities--whatever those may be.

And so I waited for his response.

I waited patiently for almost two weeks--not pushing, just waiting.

On Tuesday morning, RJ told me he feels badly because he feels that I am more invested in the relationship than he is and he feels guilty because he does not want to waste any more of my time. He feels that he should be wanting to put a ring on my finger and move in together, but for some reason those feelings are not there. He says he has doubts he cannot put into words and he cannot ignore them. He asked me twice, "You know that I love you, right?" I did not answer him, I could not answer him. He said he loved me to pieces and wished he felt differently in wanting something more. I wanted to ask, can't you nurture love? But it escaped me and I felt like it could be viewed as a desperate response to an unfair question.

I told him that my confidence was shaken when he started to question the relationship in the fall, but that I still loved him so very much even though I was afraid to fully admit it. I told him if he would have asked me to marry him before all of the questioning, I would have said yes. It was always yes, even when it took time to rebuild the confidence to be able to admit my feelings again.

RJ did not outright say it was over. But he did not want to have this conversation four months from now. He said you are never ready for it to be over. With tears, he left for work.

On Wednesday he went to Florida to visit his parents at their winter home. He hasn't called me or talked to me since Tuesday morning.

I am sad and disappointed and will miss him terribly--because it seems that it is over and it is really hard for me to admit it. There is so much that I could write here, but I am still taking it in and sorting it out. I don't think this break up was planned and in someways there were clues and in someways I was not prepared for such a stark change in direction. What makes this difficult is that I still have feelings for him and I am not sure what will happen next. There was no closure in how he left.

But I still have that strength and trust in myself from the turning point from that day of the dream in that I am ready--ready and wanting to take the risk in experiencing a greater intimacy with someone special again--and perhaps more fully. It may not be with RJ and I will need a bit of time to heal, but in many ways I am much more open to love.

Bananas & Babes

Last weekend I was in Cleveland visiting family and friends. One of those visits included hanging out at Christine and Erich's house and their three children. The youngest was born in September (great month by the way) and it was my first time to meet her. I love the time I spend with Chris because it always feels like we just pick up right where we left off. Her kids are also hysterical, witty and smart.

Case in point, N~ was putting on the two-year-old charm. He was making me banana smoothies and banana cream pie with a side of bananas with the blender and dishes from his sister's Barbie dollhouse. He set up a tiny plate and cabana style glass for each of us. Of course, we would say "cheers" before enjoying the pretend beverages and morsels of food. And repeat, about four more times as N~ cleared the table and so seriously got into his play of making the meal again. I love how kids will replay over and over a scenario. It is so cute!

But what melted my heart was that as I was holding baby G~ she fell asleep in my arms.

Now, I realize that it was getting late and that it was a time that she would usually fall asleep. However, I have not had a chance to hold a baby that long for an uninterrupted period of time in quite a while. Chris is great because she is trusting and she knows that I love holding babies. She has always been wonderful about inviting me to hold her kids as we are hanging out and gabbing. And as we were talking, I noticed that baby G~ was starting to get a little fussy, so I stood up and gently rocked her as we went over to the kitchen island to continue our conversation. At some point, I felt that shift of when a baby suddenly feels heavier and knew she probably fell asleep. So sweet. I asked Chris if she wanted to put her down in her crib and she said the baby was fine if I was fine because the baby usually nods off for a bit in the evening before her last feeding before sleeping for the rest of the night.

What makes this moment extra special is because baby G~ let me hold her for so long. Long before I was in a place to seriously contemplate starting a family, I had a knack for holding babies. They would smile and coo or fall asleep as I held them. Sometimes a person would warn that the baby might be a bit fussy and did not always let anyone hold them, but many times these kiddos would also warm up to me, too.

Then somewhere around the height of the emotional time of IF, it was like no baby wanted any part of me. And this continued after my divorce. I know there are times that are just plain not good times for a baby to be held (i.e. hungry, over tired, teething, been passed around too much, or just really wanting their mom--all really good reasons). But it seemed like I went on this streak of having poor luck around infants and it kind of hurt my feelings. I felt kind of rejected, not by the baby, but more like from the universe. Was this supposed to be some kind of sign that I was never meant to be a mother? Or was it a signal to tell me that it is just not my time and to focus on other parts of my life?

Interestingly, in my development classes I have read plenty of articles about bonding and the reciprocal relationship between a mother and child. Sometimes it is the child who may have a difficult temperament that can make it challenging for a parent to bond. Sometimes it is the parent's fears that it will not happen that can get in the way of bonding. Maybe something has changed in me and maybe I am in a better place in my life--not just in getting closer to my career goals, but emotionally.

As a friend said to me yesterday--yes I am moving beyond the troubles of my past. It is not about dealing with them or processing them, but that subtle difference of having built enough space between it and my present to be ready to take on the next adventures that I want out of life. I am ready!

In the News

As I continue to put more distance between my present self and my past self, sometimes there are things that tug at the heart. I'm not sure if I just happen to notice more news stories related to IF because of my experiences, but it seems that IF has been getting more press and it seems to be gaining ground as a topic that is starting to be talked about more openly. I hope that if that is the case, that those who struggle with IF are finding more support, compassion and hope. But for me, I am just going to have to stop clicking on the links to the stories. The sadness is not worth the curiosity and it leaves me feeling like there isn't a place where I belong.

But hey, props to the Cleveland docs! Gotta have a little hometown pride. :)

Twinges

The tiny twinges still come every now and again, followed by a distant sadness and a more present guilt. While I do feel much more closure with my past experience with IF and adoption from my previous relationship, the stir of mixed emotions surface, catch me by surprise and send me into a cycle of mourning and frustration.

For example, just before Christmas I was walking along the street back to my apartment. I was smiling to myself taking in decorated the store fronts and thinking about seeing my family for the holidays. In the mix of the busy shoppers along the sidewalk, a neighbor girl and I noticed each other at the same time and caught up with each other to hug and say hello. I had known for months that she and her husband were expecting, and I asked her how she was doing and feeling. Pulling aside her winter coat she showed her growing baby bump and said it was getting harder and harder for her to move about and having a lot less energy. She was beaming and looked so excited in the wonder of her experience. It was very touching and I felt her gratitude.

As it was very sweet and I felt happy for her, I was caught off guard yet again by my internal turmoil--a tiny twinge of hurt that I cannot control. The grown-up part of me rationalizes that of course I am happy for the pregnancies and children of the people in my life while recognizing the importance of being genuinely happy for others. But there is also almost this protective layer where I have to build up those thoughts of happiness into a wall because I am afraid and I do not want to show any trace of my own simultaneous sadness at that moment. And then in trying to suspend my feelings of sadness, I start to feel guilty and frustrated that I cannot always just plain feel happy for the other person. And in walking away from that kind of moment, I begin to silently acknowledge those mixed feelings which sends me into a longing for a life that I so want--a husband to share a life and maybe a family together.

The inside/outside box significantly helped me to bring a validating context to a specific mourning of the twins. I do feel released from that pain. I feel myself moving forward.

Then I am feeling less and less angry about the fourteen years I spent with my ex--in the precious time that was robbed when it could have been spent with someone who could have been more honest about shared dreams instead of the perpetual waiting--waiting for him to be ready, waiting on account of his career goals, waiting for the "right" time, waiting for our bodies to cooperate, waiting for the news that it was not going to happen, waiting... It may not sound like I am less angry. But really, I am. I am because I am so tired of being angry. I am done. I am accept where I am right now.

So, my thoughts turn towards the present and I find myself looking for a job, wanting to be settled and more stable. The pain I feel surrounding career, having a house, marriage, pregnancy, children has shifted from the mourning of the past into a yearning for the future. And I ask, why can't I have that? When is it my turn?

I realize there are plenty of other women out there wanting the same things with a variety of stories from their own life journey. As much as I don't want to admit it, the biological clock is ticking. And it is ticking very loudly. I feel like time is slipping away and that my window is getting smaller and smaller. And it isn't all about babies either. The fact is that I am getting older, and my body is going to get older, and I enjoy being active and doing things out in the world and I want to do them with the man I hope to spend the rest of my life. I try to put it out of my mind, but then when another six months goes by and I feel like I am still so far away from so many of my dreams, it feels like it could crush me.

I feel so frustrated with feeling like my life is in a forever holding pattern. It is really difficult starting all over again and feeling like I am in the same place that I was as a recent graduate with my bachelors degree. I've been there, done that, had a career, and I now I am doing it again. And I feel like I am being passed up by so many in the world on soooo many levels. There are times that when I think about it, it is really easy to have a pitty party and I all I want is some acknowledgement that yes it can suck. And then there are other times that I just want to scream my head off--This is not stink'n normal!!!

Finally, I just don't want these dreams with just anybody. I want them with someone special, someone I really love and care about, someone who is just as gaga for me as I am for them. I want to have someone to dream with and to share a life together. I am ready!!!

But I have to spend less time wanting and more time doing. My patience is being tested to the n-th degree and that is when I have to take a deep breath and try to go with the flow and not to force things. I have to be more focused on what I do have and appreciate that because otherwise I am likely to drive myself crazy.

Graduation--I Made It!

It is official, official--I graduated and I now have a Master of Science in Applied Developmental Psychology. One-hundred five pages of my thesis project in program design proposing a preschool literacy program for a children's hospital setting is done. An executive summary of two pages highlighting the most important elements of my program and oral comps to present my project to a two person panel in the department is complete. With the final edits submitted, I can now say that I have accomplished my academic goal.

It was a lot of hard work and I had spent many long nights reading and writing to get it all done on time. Even though the class is for three credits, it is really six credits worth of work. Plus I was studying and preparing for the Child Life exam in November, which I passed. That was the equivalent of three credits. So, this fall was like going to school full-time, plus I have been working part-time with a temporary job at the children's hospital. Looking back, I don't know how I got it all done. But I am grateful for my friends and family who were patient and supportive as it took away much of my free time.

My mom and dad came into town for my graduation ceremony last week. I am so happy that they were able to come and share in my day. RJ and his parents also attended the event. And when the dean asked family and significant others to stand for recognition of their support, they took their turn. I was so happy to turn around and see their smiling faces.

These past few weeks have been especially emotional for me. As the deadline for my work was due, I waited with bated breath to see if I would really be able to get it all done. I was afraid to admit that I was going to graduate because I was afraid of the "what if's" and I did not want to disappoint myself or anyone else. But I kept working and pushing to get it done and to get it done well. I do not like to do anything half-heartedly.

But my emotions have also spilling over because graduation has a greater significance than just another degree. It is also part of my journey in taking back my life. Pouring myself into school is one thing that I have used to cope with the changes in my life in the midst and after the divorce. It was my chance to invest in myself and to have something good to work towards. And on the days when my mind would start running about what was going to happen to me, grad school allowed me to refocus on the smaller goals and to just take it one day at a time or one class at a time. With every passing assignment and every passing class, it helped to build my confidence.

On the days when it would be really tough, I had a song in the back of my mind urging me to keep going to keep doing my best. I was on my way to moving further and further beyond the heartbreak of my past. I kept telling myself to trust in myself and that everything would be worth it and the fresh start with independence was just around the corner. If I needed some inspiration before settling into writing my paper, I would play this song and remind myself to get back to the business of the task at hand. It is also heavily played on my iPod with the pounding of my feet along the pavement in the cool fall/winter air in those few times that I can squeeze in a run.

It is the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one, which is both terrifying and freeing. During this last semester, especially towards the end as I got closer to finishing, I found there were moments that I could not help but cry. With frustration, I would also ask myself why I am feeling this way? But then in another moment, I would feel on top of the world, proud of myself, and bursting to show the world what I have to give. I should be feeling a more constant happy, but I often feel a mess of everything all at once. It ebbs and flows and in the moments of peace, I try to relax.

I had the school plan in place and now that it is done, I actually have some choices to make. I need to decide where I want to focus my job search. Where do I go from here? It is completely open and I am not entirely sure. I am hoping to steal away a little bit more time so that I can be still for just a moment and listen to my heart. While I do not want to rush, I do not want to miss any opportunities either.

But also, I want to get back to the business of living my life more freely--spending time with the people I care about and enjoying the simple fun in life--slow it down a bit to notice and to take pleasure in what I am thankful to have in my life. But I think what will help get me there are the wise words from one of the speakers at my graduation. She said let your faith be stronger than your fear. Have faith in yourself, have faith in what you are set out to do with accomplishing greatness, and have faith in God that He will lead you.