In another installment of my boy crazy life...
I can greater appreciate patience and allowing for life to unfold so that it may reveal certain truths. So, there was another guy that I had been dating, nicknamed by a dear friend as Ruben from the movie Along Came Polly. Although, he isn't like the character in the movie. But when I mention his job, several people have jumped at asking me if it is the same as the dude from that movie. Any who...not the point.
I really liked this guy. I felt like we had several things in common, similarities in our background, and the more I learned about him, the more I liked. He is tall and has a presence in a crowed room that gets noticed--an understated confidence. And each time he kissed me, it felt like magic.
Sounds great...but I noticed some distancing and was not sure what it was about. It felt like he was guarded and there is only so much you can share with a person who is so protective of themselves before you are stuck and can't get to a deeper level. I wondered if he noticed this, too. I didn't know if he just was not aware or shy or maybe a quiet player. The last time we went out to dinner, he brought up this very thing, wondering if we click or fit. Long story short, it turns out that he is not in an emotional place to be dating right now. He needs some time to heal his heart. I give him credit for being open and honest about his situation. It makes me sad because I saw so much potential and I am not ready to say good-bye. But I will be respectful of his need for space and maybe when the time is right, he will know where to find me.
Just when I was about to write him off as a player, he finally opened up.
Did I mention he is a really good kisser??? (Sigh)
Monday, May 17, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
NIAW
Well, National Infertility Awareness Week is coming to a close. To be honest, I would not have known had I not been reading the blogs of my fellow IFers. I know, it may be weird to still think of myself as an IFer, but it will always be a part me. And it sucks, especially feeling left so very far behind or falling into an "other" category. But I try not to think about it too much, especially since there is no point in worrying about it since it may not apply to the future me. So, I just tuck it into the back of my mind in the way of honoring something important from my past, but not as something as part of my future.
As I was reading the posts from the ladies "on the other side" I felt better that they have not forgotten. Not that I would ever think they would forget for a moment. I think it takes strength for these women to reflect back on their experiences and to show their hearts, especially to those who have not yet become mothers. It is a window of hope--life continues on and it will be okay. It speaks to this place of being able to reflect back on a very difficult, dark period in your life, when it might have felt inconceivable that there could ever be any happiness or fulfillment, and to be grateful to be on the other side at last--to be able to believe in life's possibilities and to be able to dream again.
As for me, the most important thing that has come from the IF experience was meeting a wonderful, loving, supportive, strong community of women. We really created something beautiful from our group and I am proud to call these women my friends. These are women who will forever be a part of my life and I am eternally grateful for what they have done for me.
Cheers to Carli, Katie, Melissa G., Melissa P., Kerri, Ellie, Lau, Des, Trisha, HP08, Rose, Alie, Lee, Heather, and Ginny. I love you ladies!!!
As I was reading the posts from the ladies "on the other side" I felt better that they have not forgotten. Not that I would ever think they would forget for a moment. I think it takes strength for these women to reflect back on their experiences and to show their hearts, especially to those who have not yet become mothers. It is a window of hope--life continues on and it will be okay. It speaks to this place of being able to reflect back on a very difficult, dark period in your life, when it might have felt inconceivable that there could ever be any happiness or fulfillment, and to be grateful to be on the other side at last--to be able to believe in life's possibilities and to be able to dream again.
As for me, the most important thing that has come from the IF experience was meeting a wonderful, loving, supportive, strong community of women. We really created something beautiful from our group and I am proud to call these women my friends. These are women who will forever be a part of my life and I am eternally grateful for what they have done for me.
Cheers to Carli, Katie, Melissa G., Melissa P., Kerri, Ellie, Lau, Des, Trisha, HP08, Rose, Alie, Lee, Heather, and Ginny. I love you ladies!!!
J@miE's b0Y crAzy*~
Well, that was the text my sister sent when I was really getting back into dating. And it is true!
Okay, I've been holding back. I have been doing a lot more dating than what I have had the courage to admit. I've just kept myself open to the possibility these past few months and for whatever reason, guys have been come into my life from left, right, and center. It has been amazing and I have been having fun with really, truly dating for the first time in my life. And it is not to say it is always easy because it has its own ups and downs. But it is a roller coaster ride I am happier to be riding instead of sitting on the sidelines. Dude, I have a lot to learn.
I married young and to the first person in which I had a real relationship. It is not to say that I would have regretted the lack in prior dating had we been able to sustain the marriage as an equal, respectful, and loving partnership. But as this is not the case, I am embracing this opportunity to explore the world of dating. At times I feel weird for not having done this earlier, but I cannot change the past. And it can be a little scary, considering dating has changed a lot since I was an undergrad. I am grateful to have my own mini-dating guru--my younger sister who is in college and loves to poke fun at our age gap. It can be humbling to take advise from my little sister, as I can sometimes feel protective of her and feel like I am the one who should be looking out for her. But, I guess this is a form of giving back in the times that I helped her, so I will take this gift. As helpful as she is with her own take on dating advise, I think she is also finding my adventures amusing. But I have to say that she laughs with me and not at me! And I am happy to have friends who also will indulge me in listening to my silly stories and ramblings about dating, as I find better grounding in it all. Thank you!
Oh, and something else that ties into all of this exploring into the realm of dating...the class I was taking at Pitt was on adolescence this past semester. (It is also the reason why I have not posted recently...finishing up end of the semester projects.) Reading about the different domains of development could be difficult for me at times because it could hit so close to home. It made me really face some areas of my life that needed some hard reflection and it was not always easy. There were times when I would ask myself, really? REALLY? Could I really not read about this now?
Case in point, sex. Without going into a lot of details, Jamie did not have a whole lot of experience during adolescence with sexual exploration. And upon reading research, yep, it is developmentally appropriate for teens to do a certain amount of fooling around. Frick'n catholic guilt. No, it is not entirely fair to blame it on that. Stink'n goodie-goodie. Okay, I cannot be so hard on myself.
So, I have some catching up to do. And in addition, I have had to let go and allow myself permission to put myself out there. This is not to say that I am running around like a wild woman! It is all relative. But I want for me to be open to these experiences and to be in the moment and to enjoy them. Plus, I have put a lot of thought into where I would draw the line with lightening up and having some fun, but also staying true to myself and my values. Taking this time to define that for myself has been freeing and empowering because I know my limits and more importantly, I can enjoy the time I do have with someone in that magical moment.
I know, I know...I am so cheesy!
Okay, I've been holding back. I have been doing a lot more dating than what I have had the courage to admit. I've just kept myself open to the possibility these past few months and for whatever reason, guys have been come into my life from left, right, and center. It has been amazing and I have been having fun with really, truly dating for the first time in my life. And it is not to say it is always easy because it has its own ups and downs. But it is a roller coaster ride I am happier to be riding instead of sitting on the sidelines. Dude, I have a lot to learn.
I married young and to the first person in which I had a real relationship. It is not to say that I would have regretted the lack in prior dating had we been able to sustain the marriage as an equal, respectful, and loving partnership. But as this is not the case, I am embracing this opportunity to explore the world of dating. At times I feel weird for not having done this earlier, but I cannot change the past. And it can be a little scary, considering dating has changed a lot since I was an undergrad. I am grateful to have my own mini-dating guru--my younger sister who is in college and loves to poke fun at our age gap. It can be humbling to take advise from my little sister, as I can sometimes feel protective of her and feel like I am the one who should be looking out for her. But, I guess this is a form of giving back in the times that I helped her, so I will take this gift. As helpful as she is with her own take on dating advise, I think she is also finding my adventures amusing. But I have to say that she laughs with me and not at me! And I am happy to have friends who also will indulge me in listening to my silly stories and ramblings about dating, as I find better grounding in it all. Thank you!
Oh, and something else that ties into all of this exploring into the realm of dating...the class I was taking at Pitt was on adolescence this past semester. (It is also the reason why I have not posted recently...finishing up end of the semester projects.) Reading about the different domains of development could be difficult for me at times because it could hit so close to home. It made me really face some areas of my life that needed some hard reflection and it was not always easy. There were times when I would ask myself, really? REALLY? Could I really not read about this now?
Case in point, sex. Without going into a lot of details, Jamie did not have a whole lot of experience during adolescence with sexual exploration. And upon reading research, yep, it is developmentally appropriate for teens to do a certain amount of fooling around. Frick'n catholic guilt. No, it is not entirely fair to blame it on that. Stink'n goodie-goodie. Okay, I cannot be so hard on myself.
So, I have some catching up to do. And in addition, I have had to let go and allow myself permission to put myself out there. This is not to say that I am running around like a wild woman! It is all relative. But I want for me to be open to these experiences and to be in the moment and to enjoy them. Plus, I have put a lot of thought into where I would draw the line with lightening up and having some fun, but also staying true to myself and my values. Taking this time to define that for myself has been freeing and empowering because I know my limits and more importantly, I can enjoy the time I do have with someone in that magical moment.
I know, I know...I am so cheesy!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
I Broke My Finger
Yep, I broke my finger and I am not happy about it. I have always prided myself on not having broken any bones or needing stitches or fillings in my teeth. When the LPN told me that it is one of those days that everyone is breaking things, I said with surprise, "Really?" And then I realized he was including me--and my heart sank and I wanted to cry. Crap!
Well, it happened during pre-game warm-up with my co-ed football team. I've played the female QB (yes, I have an arm and I can throw a tight spiral). I thought I jammed it while catching the ball with some tossing around before the game. I still played not realizing it was broken, but had a feeling something was just not right. Fortunately, it is not a finger on my throwing hand or my dominate hand. But this really sucks! It was our first game and I will probably be out for the season. And I might not be able to play kickball or possibly run in the half-marathon! I have an appointment with the specialist tomorrow and will find out more. But I am so upset because I had a lot of fun plans for the spring.
So as I was sitting in the ER, I asked the doctor how long it would take to recover. He laughed because I was trying to negotiate to what extent I can continue my physical recreation activities. Then I was feeling overwhelmed by all of the other implications of my injury...papers to type, not getting it wet in the shower, what will be covered under my health insurance, how many more doctor visits I will have to have, how running evens out my beer consumption calorie in-take, how I will be able to blow dry my hair...you know, the important stuff. That is when the tears came and I felt silly because it is a finger, but it is my finger. And I suddenly felt very small and lonely and I realized I could really use a hug. But there was no one there to do that for me. My family is about two hours away. And I didn't feel like I could call one of my friends here to meet me at the hospital to give me a hug at 11:30 pm on a work night. I was all by myself and I was scared. The LPN told me it could be far worse, which is very true. That is a good perspective, but I needed to let myself feel a little sad and not skip over those feelings.
I texted a few people, but it was not the same as a hug. But I will be thankful for that!
Riverside Run--10K
Woohoo!!! I ran my first 10K race on Saturday and it was great! I love the sense of accomplishment after finishing a race and just feeling like you can do anything. It was a beautiful day with the sun shining and a bit of chill in the air. It was a great run along the river in downtown Pittsburgh and then along a running trail around some of the new urban living. I crossed the finish line just around 57 minutes, so that was a 9.5 minute mile pace. I am very proud of that pace, as I am continuing to train for the half-marathon, as part of the city's marathon in May.
And I have to say that I was able to share in this race experience with someone I met a few weeks ago, even though I had already planned on running in it. Actually, I met him on an airplane on my way back from Atlanta when I was visiting some very dear friends (One of those friends refers to him as Striker--as in the character from the movie Airplane.). He is really sweet and makes me laugh! I enjoy talking with him and feel like he really listens, good flow in our conversations. I guess I am hesitant to share more about him because I don't want to jinx it! But as far as the race goes, I really enjoyed running with him. Our runs in the park have been at a fairly casual pace, but he wanted to run at a faster pace for the race. It was a good push and I had a lot of fun!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Serendipity!
Okay...this story is too fabulous not to tell!
So, I was leaving Posvar Hall at Pitt and going out the doors by the escalators. I had thought about going out of the main doors on the side closer to Hillman Library, but changed my mind so that I could get just that little extra fresh air. It was absolutely beautiful and unusually warm. As I was going out, someone was coming in. We both did a double take and then reentered that in between zone of not quite being in the building and not quite being outside of the building. It was Mr. C! And he recognized me!
I had substituted at an elementary school for Pittsburgh Public last year at around this time and met Mr. C there. We both seemed to have that pause when meeting each other for the first time and stopped to talk in the office at the end of the day. He was teaching ESL and you could tell the kids loved him! And he is so hot!!!
So, we were both asking what the other was doing at Pitt at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I told him I am working on my Masters and he said he was working on his PhD. We reintroduced ourselves and he asked me what I was doing. I said nothing until class later in the afternoon--totally blowing off some reading I was going to do. He said he was just going to hang out until he had to get to some meetings. He asked me if I wanted to grab some coffee. Long story short, we ended up getting water and iced tea and walking around the Cathedral of Learning and sitting on a bench talking for an hour! We have plans to meet for dinner next week on Thursday!!!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
March Madness
So with the close of March coming, I may as well put it out there about the other significant event in the unfolding of my life, my divorce. March has not been an easy month for me. It has been weighing heavily on me and I am just trying to sort through it all.
March...when I was in college, it was the month that my former spouse proposed to me. I was totally, madly, deeply in love. One big chapter in my life was closing and there was so much new on the horizon. I had a bright future with adventure ahead and someone to share in the journey!
March...it was the month that my Great-Uncle Carl died. He was like a grandfather to me. I loved him so very much and admired him in the way he cared for his family, his generosity, and passing along stories of family history to connect the generations. He was an exemplary man of the Greatest Generation.
March...it was when we found out that we had about six weeks to find a house, find me a job, pack up, be in a wedding, and move to Atlanta for his job. It was a thrilling whirlwind. I was so sad to move so very far away from my family. But I was excited about the potential of living in some place new and so very different than what I had ever experienced before. It was an opportunity to be out on our own and away from our parents--a test of what we really could be.
March...it was when we decided to take a year for ourselves to sort things out after all of his education and job training. It was a time when we tossed around where we wanted to settle ourselves and started making plans to move closer to our families. We dreamed, we laughed, and we traveled. It was probably one of the best years of our marriage.
March...it was when we decided to start trying to have a baby. This was it, we were going to start a family and a big moment when it just felt right for both of us. We broke ground on our new house! It was all falling into place.
March...it was when he went away for four months on a business trip to help his company start up a new contract in Tulsa. It was also one year in with no baby. At this point, I thought there was something wrong on my end. I was feeling broken, a reject, and I hated my body. It was when I needed him the most. But I was going to be strong and support him and hold onto those trips when I could fly out and visit him. I felt like my life had been put on hold and I was just waiting and waiting and waiting. I was loosing myself.
March...it was two years in with no baby, but we had long stopped trying. He lied to me about breaking things off with the other woman when we were supposed to be trying to rebuild and reconnect. He served me with divorce papers after two months of separation. He said it was "just in case" because our state requires a cooling off period of three months before a divorce can become finalized. He didn't want to "waste my time" if it didn't work out. He was stringing me along and had checked out long ago. It took me time to realize he wasn't really trying anymore and had already started making plans for his life after me. I was just slowly coming to terms that it was really over. I held out for so long hoping that we could work it out, find some way to put it all back together again. I did everything that I could to save the relationship and I do not have any regret in that, no matter how painful or when so many would have walked away under the circumstances. I put it all out on the line, so there could be no regret that I didn't try it all.
March...it is now when most of the dust has settled in my very fast moving divorce. The papers were signed in the fall, but it takes time to sell a house, close out accounts, divide up your stuff, and sell the rest. There are just a few other things that need to be taken care of before the rest of what is agreed upon goes on auto pilot. I am tired and I am sad.
It was well said in a support group, that divorce is the tearing of your soul. It is a pain felt so deeply that it rips to your very core and shatters your identity as your whole world falls apart--with its impact far reaching. You loose so much more than just a marriage.
Time to pull up those boot straps and pick my chin back up. I just need a moment to catch my breath while I continue moving forward in my new life. I have to put my faith in God and thank Him for the love and support of my family and friends and the blessings in my life. In counting those blessings, it all adds up as I try to take it one day at a time.
March...it is now when I am going to let go of this great, heavy sadness and anger. It is too much to hold onto and it is time to let it be. Someone told me you mourn the loss of things that matter to you. There is a time to grieve and there is a time to move forward and back into the present. I've spent my time in mourning and it is time to be free.
March...when I was in college, it was the month that my former spouse proposed to me. I was totally, madly, deeply in love. One big chapter in my life was closing and there was so much new on the horizon. I had a bright future with adventure ahead and someone to share in the journey!
March...it was the month that my Great-Uncle Carl died. He was like a grandfather to me. I loved him so very much and admired him in the way he cared for his family, his generosity, and passing along stories of family history to connect the generations. He was an exemplary man of the Greatest Generation.
March...it was when we found out that we had about six weeks to find a house, find me a job, pack up, be in a wedding, and move to Atlanta for his job. It was a thrilling whirlwind. I was so sad to move so very far away from my family. But I was excited about the potential of living in some place new and so very different than what I had ever experienced before. It was an opportunity to be out on our own and away from our parents--a test of what we really could be.
March...it was when we decided to take a year for ourselves to sort things out after all of his education and job training. It was a time when we tossed around where we wanted to settle ourselves and started making plans to move closer to our families. We dreamed, we laughed, and we traveled. It was probably one of the best years of our marriage.
March...it was when we decided to start trying to have a baby. This was it, we were going to start a family and a big moment when it just felt right for both of us. We broke ground on our new house! It was all falling into place.
March...it was when he went away for four months on a business trip to help his company start up a new contract in Tulsa. It was also one year in with no baby. At this point, I thought there was something wrong on my end. I was feeling broken, a reject, and I hated my body. It was when I needed him the most. But I was going to be strong and support him and hold onto those trips when I could fly out and visit him. I felt like my life had been put on hold and I was just waiting and waiting and waiting. I was loosing myself.
March...it was two years in with no baby, but we had long stopped trying. He lied to me about breaking things off with the other woman when we were supposed to be trying to rebuild and reconnect. He served me with divorce papers after two months of separation. He said it was "just in case" because our state requires a cooling off period of three months before a divorce can become finalized. He didn't want to "waste my time" if it didn't work out. He was stringing me along and had checked out long ago. It took me time to realize he wasn't really trying anymore and had already started making plans for his life after me. I was just slowly coming to terms that it was really over. I held out for so long hoping that we could work it out, find some way to put it all back together again. I did everything that I could to save the relationship and I do not have any regret in that, no matter how painful or when so many would have walked away under the circumstances. I put it all out on the line, so there could be no regret that I didn't try it all.
March...it is now when most of the dust has settled in my very fast moving divorce. The papers were signed in the fall, but it takes time to sell a house, close out accounts, divide up your stuff, and sell the rest. There are just a few other things that need to be taken care of before the rest of what is agreed upon goes on auto pilot. I am tired and I am sad.
It was well said in a support group, that divorce is the tearing of your soul. It is a pain felt so deeply that it rips to your very core and shatters your identity as your whole world falls apart--with its impact far reaching. You loose so much more than just a marriage.
Time to pull up those boot straps and pick my chin back up. I just need a moment to catch my breath while I continue moving forward in my new life. I have to put my faith in God and thank Him for the love and support of my family and friends and the blessings in my life. In counting those blessings, it all adds up as I try to take it one day at a time.
March...it is now when I am going to let go of this great, heavy sadness and anger. It is too much to hold onto and it is time to let it be. Someone told me you mourn the loss of things that matter to you. There is a time to grieve and there is a time to move forward and back into the present. I've spent my time in mourning and it is time to be free.
Monday, March 29, 2010
An Article That I Found...
When I was typing "divorce and infertility" into Google to see what would appear, I came across this blog entry from Love Large:
Sometimes I feel like when people know about my life and having been through both, the infertility part gets dismissed and tossed aside. This is in part because in the end, I was not the person in the relationship diagnosed with infertility. But it is not just that person who is diagnosed, it is the couple. There is pain and grieving felt by both people. My world was crushed and I hurt so much for him in what he was going through and in that I would never be able to carry his child. It was a pain and a sadness that ran so deeply, especially in those beginning days of hearing the news from the doctor. My hopes and dreams and identity were shattered, again and again. It was like being between wandering around aimlessly in a fog of the living dead and barring down for the impact of waves of soul shaking sadness. It is a very dark place in coming to terms that you will never have a biological child.
So, when people know or hear about the infertility in my past, it is not uncommon for people to say that now that I am divorced, it is not a problem anymore. They are quick to say that I am just fine and that I'll find someone out there and be popping out babies with no problem in no time! But how do they know? There have never been any viable sperm up in there? And it doesn't erase the pain and grieving that is permanently a part of who I am. It is not something so easy to let go and shrug off. It does not acknowledge the whole experience where I can feel understood as I am moving forward in my life.
And my life isn't just about having babies--I'd like to find someone in which to share a life. I am more than a baby factory. Not having a baby doesn't make me less of a person. And it is not to say I need someone to make me a whole person, but that I really would like to have that experience of a satisfying, loving partnership. A baby is a blessing. But I also know that is a difficult thing to hear for someone who is infertile.
I want to take a moment to say I have been so blessed by the love and support of my family and friends and I do not want to diminish that in any way. It is not that I am not appreciative of the occasional, well meaning intentions of support gone awry as experienced by me--as most of the expressions of support have been tremendously amazing. I know that when some of these sediments are spoken by someone who I know loves me, it is that they are sharing their hopes for me and wanting me to be happy. But I guess it is like the article had pointed out, there needs to be a time and a way to express that grief and it is not always easy to hear. You can't skip that step or pretend it was never there.
In line with what I have written in some of my personal writings, I have decided long ago that I am more than my infertility. I have let go of so many things and have been freed. It is a process and part of that process is accepting your whole self--past, present, and future--taking it all in while trying to live in the present of today.
The Bible and the Pain of Infertility
When I read it, I cried...a lot. (In the blog there is a link to the full article.) It helped me to feel validated in what I had been feeling while dealing with infertility during that part of my life when I had been married. There were so many parts that I could identify with in the article--basically all of the italicized subheadings in part one and the bolded highlights about needing to grieve. And having been through infertility and divorce, I can identify with those who felt that infertility felt worse than divorce...although not by much...as both were terribly painful for me.Sometimes I feel like when people know about my life and having been through both, the infertility part gets dismissed and tossed aside. This is in part because in the end, I was not the person in the relationship diagnosed with infertility. But it is not just that person who is diagnosed, it is the couple. There is pain and grieving felt by both people. My world was crushed and I hurt so much for him in what he was going through and in that I would never be able to carry his child. It was a pain and a sadness that ran so deeply, especially in those beginning days of hearing the news from the doctor. My hopes and dreams and identity were shattered, again and again. It was like being between wandering around aimlessly in a fog of the living dead and barring down for the impact of waves of soul shaking sadness. It is a very dark place in coming to terms that you will never have a biological child.
So, when people know or hear about the infertility in my past, it is not uncommon for people to say that now that I am divorced, it is not a problem anymore. They are quick to say that I am just fine and that I'll find someone out there and be popping out babies with no problem in no time! But how do they know? There have never been any viable sperm up in there? And it doesn't erase the pain and grieving that is permanently a part of who I am. It is not something so easy to let go and shrug off. It does not acknowledge the whole experience where I can feel understood as I am moving forward in my life.
And my life isn't just about having babies--I'd like to find someone in which to share a life. I am more than a baby factory. Not having a baby doesn't make me less of a person. And it is not to say I need someone to make me a whole person, but that I really would like to have that experience of a satisfying, loving partnership. A baby is a blessing. But I also know that is a difficult thing to hear for someone who is infertile.
I want to take a moment to say I have been so blessed by the love and support of my family and friends and I do not want to diminish that in any way. It is not that I am not appreciative of the occasional, well meaning intentions of support gone awry as experienced by me--as most of the expressions of support have been tremendously amazing. I know that when some of these sediments are spoken by someone who I know loves me, it is that they are sharing their hopes for me and wanting me to be happy. But I guess it is like the article had pointed out, there needs to be a time and a way to express that grief and it is not always easy to hear. You can't skip that step or pretend it was never there.
In line with what I have written in some of my personal writings, I have decided long ago that I am more than my infertility. I have let go of so many things and have been freed. It is a process and part of that process is accepting your whole self--past, present, and future--taking it all in while trying to live in the present of today.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
So, How Did I Come About the Title for My Blog?
Well, it comes in two parts...
The "Hope Floats" comes from the movie--which I love--and sob my eyes out anytime I watch it. Sandra Bullock is one of my favorite actresses. And who doesn't love to look at Harry Connick, Jr.? Or listen to him talk? Or sing? But more so, I can relate to the storyline in coming to terms with life just isn't going to happen the way I thought it would and how to rebuild when it came tumbling down. The love and support of family and friends goes a long way. And it is when you are at your lowest that you really find out who your real friends are and just how strong your relationships are with the people in your life. I have been very blessed with the many amazing people in my life--those who I have known for years, those who I have met recently along the way, and those who I continue to meet.
And I think one quote in the movie stands out, if it isn't already obvious.
"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..." ~ Birdee Pruitt, in the movie Hope Floats
I've held onto hope and continue to do so. I pray to God to let me hold onto hope and for it to still be alive in me when I just don't think I can take any more or get any lower. As my life was continuing to turn upside down and sideways and upside down again, I'd ask God to give me the strength to trust and believe that it would all turn out okay. And with some of the blows that came my way, I would sometimes turn to a friend and say, half chuckling/half holding back the tears, so just when you didn't think it could get any worse...it just did! (There were many "it's funny, but it's not" moments and I had to try to find the humor somewhere in it because sometimes you are just tired of crying.) And then there were/are the moments that all I could/can do was/is cry. At one point, I felt like my life was in a constant free fall and I was just waiting to finally hit bottom. I held onto hope that eventually, I would get to that place so that I could start coming back to the top.
I would say that I am not completely sure about the strength of where I am standing right now in my life. Someone said to me, you might be thinking you see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you are just hoping it is not a train. I don't know what it is...a little voice of doubt, a pause, or cautious optimism...but I try to put it aside and trust in God that it will all be alright and refocus on the blessings in my life. I have a much better sense and understanding of what it means to give it up to God and to just keep going and do the best I can each day by making the most of it.
The "Cherry Blossoms" comes from an evolving symbol that is meaningful to me. Actually, at one point I had considered getting a tattoo while in the middle of some of the more messy points in this chapter in my life. But then again, tattoos are so permanent and I am not a big fan of pain. But I had put a lot of thought into it as far as if I were ever to get a tattoo, what would I pick? (Of course, I would not want something cartoony. It would have to be more delicate and watercolor/sketchy in an artistic kind of nature.)
So, I thought about my heritage and what symbols may be relatable there. I looked up some Irish inspired tattoos. They seemed a bit harsh for my taste, but many had a nature theme. I tried to look up Finish symbols and was not having much luck. But what few symbols I could find, not necessarily tattoos, also followed a nature type theme. I also looked up symbols for words that seemed to hold some significance for me. I liked the idea of rebirth, renewal, and sisu. Sisu is a Finnish word for a concept or quality to describe inner determination. Then, I thought about something I had read talking about the parallels between the Finnish and Japanese cultures. So, I started to look up Japanese symbols and it was the cherry blossom that spoke to me. It represents renewal with its blossoms and the timing of spring. The color green in the leaf sprouts that accompany the flowering branches hint at what is to come and touch on hope.
So there it is! My inspiration for the title of my blog!
The "Hope Floats" comes from the movie--which I love--and sob my eyes out anytime I watch it. Sandra Bullock is one of my favorite actresses. And who doesn't love to look at Harry Connick, Jr.? Or listen to him talk? Or sing? But more so, I can relate to the storyline in coming to terms with life just isn't going to happen the way I thought it would and how to rebuild when it came tumbling down. The love and support of family and friends goes a long way. And it is when you are at your lowest that you really find out who your real friends are and just how strong your relationships are with the people in your life. I have been very blessed with the many amazing people in my life--those who I have known for years, those who I have met recently along the way, and those who I continue to meet.
And I think one quote in the movie stands out, if it isn't already obvious.
"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..." ~ Birdee Pruitt, in the movie Hope Floats
I've held onto hope and continue to do so. I pray to God to let me hold onto hope and for it to still be alive in me when I just don't think I can take any more or get any lower. As my life was continuing to turn upside down and sideways and upside down again, I'd ask God to give me the strength to trust and believe that it would all turn out okay. And with some of the blows that came my way, I would sometimes turn to a friend and say, half chuckling/half holding back the tears, so just when you didn't think it could get any worse...it just did! (There were many "it's funny, but it's not" moments and I had to try to find the humor somewhere in it because sometimes you are just tired of crying.) And then there were/are the moments that all I could/can do was/is cry. At one point, I felt like my life was in a constant free fall and I was just waiting to finally hit bottom. I held onto hope that eventually, I would get to that place so that I could start coming back to the top.
I would say that I am not completely sure about the strength of where I am standing right now in my life. Someone said to me, you might be thinking you see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you are just hoping it is not a train. I don't know what it is...a little voice of doubt, a pause, or cautious optimism...but I try to put it aside and trust in God that it will all be alright and refocus on the blessings in my life. I have a much better sense and understanding of what it means to give it up to God and to just keep going and do the best I can each day by making the most of it.
The "Cherry Blossoms" comes from an evolving symbol that is meaningful to me. Actually, at one point I had considered getting a tattoo while in the middle of some of the more messy points in this chapter in my life. But then again, tattoos are so permanent and I am not a big fan of pain. But I had put a lot of thought into it as far as if I were ever to get a tattoo, what would I pick? (Of course, I would not want something cartoony. It would have to be more delicate and watercolor/sketchy in an artistic kind of nature.)
So, I thought about my heritage and what symbols may be relatable there. I looked up some Irish inspired tattoos. They seemed a bit harsh for my taste, but many had a nature theme. I tried to look up Finish symbols and was not having much luck. But what few symbols I could find, not necessarily tattoos, also followed a nature type theme. I also looked up symbols for words that seemed to hold some significance for me. I liked the idea of rebirth, renewal, and sisu. Sisu is a Finnish word for a concept or quality to describe inner determination. Then, I thought about something I had read talking about the parallels between the Finnish and Japanese cultures. So, I started to look up Japanese symbols and it was the cherry blossom that spoke to me. It represents renewal with its blossoms and the timing of spring. The color green in the leaf sprouts that accompany the flowering branches hint at what is to come and touch on hope.
So there it is! My inspiration for the title of my blog!
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Beginning
Here it goes...my very first entry.
I have been thinking a lot about how I wanted to start my blog. I almost feel like the first entry will be setting the tone or establishing expectations of what is to come. It seems like taking a bold step in deciding how I want to define myself at this moment in time. I feel a little scared and nervous about sharing some of my personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I feel vulnerable. And I have put off starting my blog because I have been very protective of myself due to all that has happened in my life, especially in the past three years. I don't want certain things to define me or to be judged about them. But these events have significance and should not be glossed over. I know I am being vague, but I am just trying to make that leap. I am not exactly sure where to start, what to tell first.
The best way to describe entering this blogging adventure is that it is like being on a roller coaster ride just as you are leaving the bay. I feel like I am slowly clicking up that first hill with all of those mixed feelings of anticipation. This could go really badly or it could be great and freeing.
I have been thinking a lot about how I wanted to start my blog. I almost feel like the first entry will be setting the tone or establishing expectations of what is to come. It seems like taking a bold step in deciding how I want to define myself at this moment in time. I feel a little scared and nervous about sharing some of my personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I feel vulnerable. And I have put off starting my blog because I have been very protective of myself due to all that has happened in my life, especially in the past three years. I don't want certain things to define me or to be judged about them. But these events have significance and should not be glossed over. I know I am being vague, but I am just trying to make that leap. I am not exactly sure where to start, what to tell first.
The best way to describe entering this blogging adventure is that it is like being on a roller coaster ride just as you are leaving the bay. I feel like I am slowly clicking up that first hill with all of those mixed feelings of anticipation. This could go really badly or it could be great and freeing.
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