Autumn Musings

A few things hit me on my walk back to my car after class tonight:

• The crisp, clear, beautiful fall night could not feel more refreshing. I feel like tonight is just the beginning of ushering in impending burst of all of the colors, tastes, smells and feelings of fall. And I am ready to take in them all.
• I feel so happy to be in my new apartment. I might not have everything settled in and exactly in its place, but there is a lot that has been done and it is all manageable. I still have a few things in my old place, but I feel confident in getting it done. I don't feel a burdensome pressure about this move. Things will happen as they need to happen as I eventually close out the other place.
• Tonight is another one of those nights where I feel really good about my life right now. I would have never imagined it to be this way right now, but there is so much good right now to seize and enjoy. I feel like my life is full--full of people who appreciate me for me, full of wonderful experiences and full of opportunities to seize today. I feel like I am really awake and living a more fulfilling life that is so much more rich and satisfying.

Just had to get these thoughts down so that I can remember them and hold onto them as I keep moving forward. And where does this forward movement go? I don't know. But I also know that I don't worry about that so much anymore. I'm just enjoying the journey along the way, where ever it takes me.

Moving Day

Tomorrow my parents are coming into town to help me move into my new apartment this weekend. I am moving into the city and will be closer to school and some of my friends, oh and New Guy. It is a move that I am ready to do.

Life is different in the burbs and there is more opportunity for me in the city. I will be bummed that I will not be as close to my friends in the suburbs, but I am not in that place in my life--not married, no children. And I know that I will have no problem driving out to see them when they are not busy doing their thing.

My apartment was a good place for me after moving out of my house and I will be grateful that I had it at that time in my life. It was a place of security in that I could easily get to the turnpike if I needed or wanted to drive back to Cleveland to see my family. I could have tried finding a place in the city then, but I wasn't entirely sure which neighborhood I would want to live. Some had too many memories from the first time I lived in the city with my ex and others were unknown about the safety factor. It is one thing to visit a place and it is another thing to live there. Pittsburgh is not a majorly crime ridden area, but I think it is important for a woman to be extra aware of her surroundings. I felt safe and comfortable in that first apartment and it was what I needed at the time when I was starting my life living on my own.

Now I am ready for a change. It will be good to be in a new place in a new season and at a time when my life is so very different than it was a year ago. While my old apartment was a source of comfort, it also holds the memories of when I was first really living entirely on my own. I realize that I had been living by myself for nearly a year while still in the house. But this place was my first home that had no connection, ties or memories with my ex. With the dark of winter fast approaching, I sometimes remember those lonely and confusing days. I felt unsure of myself in my confidence and in my future. It was a lot of living one moment at a time and exploring the world as a single woman. It felt foreign to me and I was so unsure of myself and where I belonged. I felt like I was discovering a whole new world that made me feel both frightened and excited. It was like every step that I was taking was somehow a new experience for me.

I feel so very far away from that old me and I would like to think of my new apartment as my fresh-fresh start. It is like starting a new chapter on more solid grounding in knowing who I am and what I want. While I am still learning about myself, I hope that I am growing. Although, it is difficult to admit, I wonder if I might be running away from my old self and the memories. Or is it that I am truly making this change for me to grow in a positive direction? I guess time will only tell.

But I think the move coincides with this recent feeling of needing to downscale and make my life simpler. I want less stuff. I don't want it all weighing me down. And I feel that it is time to let go of some of the stuff that has been sitting in boxes in my apartment. I have no regrets in waiting because I know that it is time and I will feel no regret in giving away or selling some of the things that still hold memories of my old life with my ex. I didn't want to part with too much too fast and feel that I could have made a mistake or if that I wasn't ready.

For example, I had a moment this week with the dumpster. I just could not bare it any longer and had this overwhelming need to expunge and free myself from a few things. It is like they had this building power that was just leaking a haunted sadness into my life. So, with that I brought these items down to the dumpster and said my final good-bye to them.

1. My Wedding Invitations--I don't know why I have held onto the extra wedding invitations for this long. I couldn't understand it when I was married. These boxes have been packed and repacked and have traveled with me to four different homes. It just seemed so wasteful to throw them away. I kept thinking of just picking out a few to save for our (hoped) children. But instead I kept them all. Before I tossed them into the trash, I opened each of the boxes one last time and said my good-bye. I remember looking at the silver font and subtle scrolling pearled boarder. I used to love the simplicity of them. But now, I felt nothing. The cards bearing my name felt empty and I was surprised at the detachment that I felt. It was surprisingly easy to toss them away.
2. An Anne Geddes Baby Puzzle--Yes, you remember all of her famed photographs with posed babies. I found this puzzle shortly after getting married on clearance and thought it was just too cute. Looking at this puzzle now made me feel angry and sad and frustrated. My ex had always made fun of the puzzle and could not understand why I would buy such a thing. I don't know, it was cute at the time. But then I realized that he never valued my deep wanting to share in having child of our own together. He thought of babies as ugly, boring blobs that did nothing. He never appreciated the life of a child and the experiences they have right from birth. Babies are people who are actively taking in the world from the start. I am amazed by the complexity of child development--it is what my Master's program is all about. I guess the puzzle makes me angry because my ex never appreciated or valued what was important to me. I didn't just see a cute baby. I saw the beauty and wonder of watching a child explore and discover what they can do in this world as they grow up.
3. A Booklet of House Plans--It was one of the books that we had gotten in deciding which model we wanted to build for our new home. This brought the strongest reaction from within me. At first glance, flipping through the pages made me happy as I was thinking back to the time when we were dreaming about our dream home. This was it. It was exactly all of what we ever wanted and talked about throughout our marriage. And it was finally before us in print and could not have been more perfect for us. I thought about our trip to New York City between Thanksgiving and Christmas. We had planned the trip to enjoy the magic of the city and had brought the booklet with us because we would need to make our final decisions shortly after returning from the trip. It was not a chore and was a source of fun for us. I remember laying on the bed looking at the floor plans and list of upgrade options after a long day of sight seeing. It was a lovely way to end our day and we were just too giddy about it all. With those thoughts running in my mind, I remembered how sadly it all came crashing down. Gone was the house, gone were the dreams, gone were the possibilities that that house was supposed to hold for us in our life together. It makes me sad for the me in New York City at Christmas time, not knowing what was all going to happen. The sorrow gripped me. I thought how silly for this of all things to be so difficult to throw away. I had already moved out of the house and all that was left was this booklet. But then, I realized this was an artifact of a really big loss. And it is okay for me to feel however I feel about it. I said my last good-bye and tossed it into the dumpster.

So, now I am at the beginning of another new chapter. We will see what it will hold for me. Perhaps after I spend some time with my good-byes, I should remember to have some time with some hellos.

In fact, that is just what I am going to do. I have an amazing man waiting for me to help with some painting of my new place. Time to go back out into the world and really live in it. Time to dream some new dreams.

Birthday Thoughts

It may seem a bit odd to say, but I have been overwhelmed by the level of support and caring as shown by all of the people who came out to celebrate my birthday. I am not used to being the center of attention and I am much more of an observer or wallflower at times. I was unsure as to who would want to celebrate my birthday with me outside of my family. (Thanks Mom & Dad for the card and necklace in the mail! They like to send something for me to be able to open on the day of my birthday when I won't be able to be with them on the actual day.) I know it sounds crazy--I can't believe I questioned it.

First, I want to say that I did something that I think was quite brave of myself. I decided to send out an email to a bunch of people to invite them out to join me in celebrating my birthday. I titled the email, "I'm going to have my cake and eat it, too..." Then upon opening it, I said I was going out for cheesecake and to feel free to join me. This took a lot of courage on my part because I didn't know what the response would be. I need to realize that I am deserving of love and attention from those who share in my life. And why should I question that they would want to spend time with me?

It was a fun dinner and awesome cheesecake. But what was even more special was that my friends and New Guy came out to spend the evening with me. I had a few people from different circles of my life meeting. I wasn't sure how it would go and I really hoped that people would like each other and have a good time. But I reminded myself to go with the flow and relax and enjoy the evening. When they brought out the cheesecake and everyone started singing, I just felt so special and happy. I was so touched and felt so loved. It was awesome.

Then backing up a bit, earlier in the day, New Guy took me to lunch. We went and had home made perogies at his grandma's church. It gave us chance to talk, talk in that way where you share some very personal things. It felt to me like a moment of not holding back and taking that risk to be disclosive about oneself. I so appreciated New Guy opening up to me and trusting me in telling me some of the things that he shared.

We also stopped by his dad's work to drop off some of the perogies for his parents. They surprised me with cake and a present. I had not expected that! The time and thought that they put into it is moving and has significance. It was just so unexpected, but so appreciated.

Then, we stopped by New Guy's grandma's. She was not able to be at the church because she had injured her back and was at home resting. She was just so sweet and just kept laughing. I felt badly because it hurt her back to laugh, but then I found it inspiring because she just couldn't help herself. Even with not feeling at her best, she still focused on the good and the humor in her life. And it was then, as I looked over at New Guy and he was laughing with his grandma that I thought, so, that is where he gets it. Watching them laugh together with a twinkle in their eyes made me realize again one of the things I love about him. He lives with enthusiasm, an energy that is contagious and amplified when he is able to share it with those around him.

Finally, New Guy planned a birthday barbecue for me on Sunday. It was so very special for me because no one has thrown a birthday party for me other than my parents. And again, I was surprised by how people came to share in the celebration. I was overwhelmed by all of this birthday celebrating and focus on me. For the first part of the party, I think there were times that I was in the moment and enjoying myself. But then I started to feel an overload and overwhelmed by it all that I started to withdraw and was quiet.

To give a little history that may also shed some light on my experiences with birthdays, it is important to know my 30th birthday was a disaster. I had been bold then in planning a birthday party for me and my ex since we were both turning 30 only days apart. He seemed a bit reluctant and even untrusting in my ability to pull it off. But we had planned the party and I was excited to give it my best effort. Then the night before, my ex told me that our party wouldn't be a birthday party and it would be a football party because his uncle was going to throw a surprise birthday party for his aunt. His uncle would use our birthday as a ploy to get her to the location without her knowing it a few weeks later. I don't know why I didn't speak up and tell him to tell his mother and uncle that they would have to come up with another plan. I was just so taken aback by the whole thing, that I just didn't know what to do. What resulted was opening presents on the sly and unceremoniously cutting the cake so that his aunt wouldn't notice it was a birthday cake. (The cake was decorated half in Browns colors and half in Steelers colors, so it lent itself to being a football themed cake as we were watching the Browns play the Steelers.) The experience has left me feeling hurt and broken about my birthday.

I don't know why I question why people would want to spend time with me. I have to value and trust in myself as being a worthy person. This is admitting to a lot of insecurity and makes me feel very vulnerable. I feel silly and somewhat angry at myself for even questioning my value as a human being. I just hope that I did not come off as ungrateful or uncaring. I guess I worry and hope that people had a good time. It is when I fall into these thoughts that I drop the ball and unintentionally remove myself from the situation and stop living in the moment. I'm glad that I am realizing it more when I am doing it, but I want to figure out how to get myself out of it.

New Guy, thank you for all of your planning and effort and participation in my birthday! I really am grateful and so happy to have you to share in my life. I do not want to take for granted what you did for me for my birthday. It was a very special birthday for me and one that I have not had in a long time.

Songs That Move Me--A Bit of Romance

Taking a page from another blog, I wanted to share my new favorite song...

Glitter In The Air
Songwriters: Mann, Billy; Moore, Alecia;

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight

Why Do I Hold On? What Am I Holding Onto?

Over the weekend I took my wedding ring to the jewelry store to be cleaned. I have been contemplating selling it along with a few other things my ex had given me. The ring has been sitting in my closet for almost a year (and off of my finger for much longer) next to my wedding photos in a box.

Recently, I have asked myself what am I going to do with all of the photos? I am at a loss as far as what to do with my wedding photos and all of the other pictures of me with my ex. I just talked to my counselor about this recently. He said life is like a kaleidoscope and that your life is always rearranging and never stays the same. Some things that you may have may come to hold a different meaning for you or that you feel you no longer need some of that stuff. I told him that I get that, about the stuff. And I am glad that I did hold onto a few things until I was ready to let them go without any doubts. It is freeing in selling or giving some of the stuff away. But I told him that I struggle with the photos because those are different. I don't want them anymore, but I just don't want to throw them out either. I feel like it would be throwing a part of me away or leaving some kind of giant hole in my past. It was an investment in time and building a life that seems to have resulted in nothing. And I am grappling with how to tell my life history in moving forward. What do I want to keep? How do I put it in a context that doesn't seem like a big waste of time? How do I give that part of my life meaning or show its value? It is like I feel like I have to rationalize or explain that part of my life and that it wasn't a giant oops. I know there are lessons learned and all of my experiences build on who I am today. My life would not be where it is right now had not all of those events happened. I just find it difficult for those to understand who have not been through divorce. My life mattered, it all mattered--even if there is a lot of crap--it is still me in there somewhere--and I am tired of feeling like I have to justify it.

Then on Saturday morning, I took my wedding ring to be cleaned. I figured I may as well get it looking its best before I hock it, well that is if I go through with it. As I was walking out of the store and out to my car, I was looking at the diamond's familiar brilliance and symbol of promise. It brought me right back to the night that he proposed, a chilly March night under the stars in a cornfield we would frequent when looking for a place to be alone away from campus. I started to get a little teary and wanted to push it away. I got into the car, turned the ignition and felt myself getting further distracted while still holding the ring. Someone wanted my parking spot, so I pulled out. In my fog I was starting to realize the song Wonderwall by Oasis was playing on the radio, a song that brings me back to the beginning of my college days and when I knew I was falling in love with my ex. That is when I decided to give into my feelings and I pulled into another spot at the end of the parking lot with no people around.

I sat there letting the music wash over me as I stared at my ring. I thought about the happiness we shared and what we were supposed to share forever. I slipped the ring onto my finger, wondering if it was a mistake. It was like a test to see if I could do this and not cry, that it may be a sign that I was ready to let it go without regret. I cried less than the last time that I had put it on.

And then in another moment if felt strangely familiar and like it was supposed to be there, but with a complete disconnect from my former husband. I sat there curious as to why I felt that way. I think it is because it represented the strong connection to my past identity as a married woman. I was comfortable being a married woman--I loved being married. So then I took the ring off from my finger, still puzzling. Another moment passed and I cried a little bit more as the song was ending. I put it back into its box and drove away.

Thinking on it throughout the weekend, I have realized my past marriage will always be a part of who I am. But I know that is a past me. I also don't think there will ever be a day that I will be able to look at that ring or that diamond and not cry, but that is okay. It doesn't stop me to hope that one day I will get married again, to a person who loves and respects me.

So, why do I hold onto the ring? What am I holding onto?

First, I've held onto the ring because I do not want to face feelings of regret or loss once it is out of my possession for good. There is some finality in once again having to admit that my marriage is over, it failed. But I know I do not want to keep the ring, this I am certain. I do not want to melt it down and make it into something new. I have no child with him that I would want to pass along the stone. I just want to come to a day that I feel brave enough to sell it.

Second, I think I am trying to hold onto my identity, my whole identity. For so long, I was a married woman. I don't want to throw that away. But I think there may be a way for me to reconcile it all with myself. I can hold onto that identity as it relates to my past me, but acknowledging it is not the current me. I should not be ashamed of my past. And I think the more that I am okay with the current me and allow the future me to dream, the more I will be ready to let it go. And it is okay to cry, knowing that there may always be a trace of hurt which only shows I am human and allow my heart to feel. And if my heart is still open to feel, it will be open to love once again.

Wonderwall by Oasis


Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

Living Up the Last of Summer--Quick Updates

I have spent time away from my blog because I have just been so crazy busy living life! And that is not such a bad reason for not having posted in a bit. But I do want to touch on a few things as August comes to a close and the school year kicks it into high gear.

1. Summer Reading Program--I pitched an idea to support literacy development for children receiving long-term care at the children's hospital. And with some continued talk, I got hired to create and implement an eight week pilot summer reading program! One part involves sharing fabulous children's literature by featuring three books each week in a read aloud/booktalk. These were done in the library at the hospital and at bedside. If the child liked the book, they got to keep it. (If it was not of their taste, then I had a stash of other books from which to choose.) The second part was to encourage the kids to spend a certain amount of time reading independently to earn fabulous, cheesy prizes. It has been an awesome job! I am basically like a book fairy. I get the kids excited to read and then surprise them with getting to keep books for free. Some of the parents have gotten just as much into listening to me read as the kids. Do not underestimate how much people of all ages love to listen to some read aloud. And it is something that I will be able to get some grad credits for some of the evaluation work that I do with it this fall!
2. Kickball--Our team was crazy good in the spring--second place in the play-offs. But then with a few roster changes this summer, our team was terrible. We won only the last game of the season. But we still rocked our bubble gum pink t-shirts and enjoyed in a ton of laughs. This season was a little more fun for me because my finger finally healed enough that I was able to be moved to playing second base instead of catcher.
3. Pool Time/Girl Time--August has gone by so quickly that I think I actually spent more time swimming in July than I did in August. But what I will say about pool time in August is that I have had some good girlfriend time there. I've enjoyed lounging around the pool and having that time to have some meaningful girl talk, both with new friends and old friends. It is like the water just has a way of freeing you, to let you be more open for things to drift out. It is then that you realize you are caught up in something deeper than you might have expected and learn something new about the other person. And I have had some great girl time away from the pool, too. I am just so happy to be blessed with some great friendships. The best times are when you walk away feeling that rich connection and you just feel so good about yourself. It feels awesome when you know that friendship is being reciprocated and that you are able to give back to your friend.
4. New Guy--Yep, we're still dating and I am enjoying that! We have been spending more time together and he makes me smile. It is the little things that tickle me and really start to add up. And it is fun to know that you are being thought of during the moments away. It is not to say that we haven't had a few ups and downs, but I think we make an effort to talk about things openly and honestly. My favorite times are the trips to Home Depot, walking around in his neighborhood of the city--Little Italy, and cooking together. Life still feels like being on an adventure with him (i.e. caught my first trout last weekend) and he has a touch of a romantic in him that I love to observe in his ways.
5. Fall Classes at Pitt Begin--This time around I will be a full-time student! I am excited and nervous. But when I start to get nervous, I just focus on what a wonderful opportunity I have at hand and to take it one step at a time. I really love what I am studying and grad school is so much more fulfilling, deeper, and richer than undergrad. I think having time and experience from which to draw upon make the classes more meaningful. I just really want to make the most of my experience while I am back at school.

I know there is more and I know there is a greater depth that some of these things deserve. But for now, this is what I have. I also want to thank a friend who gave me some good advise in that I don't have to publish all of my posts and that some can just be for me. I am really glad that I did that because sometimes it is just about getting the thoughts out of your head so that you can look at them better. And in another blog, I carefully read some good advise to be mindful of respecting other people who may appear in my blog so as not to over share about them. Some things need to be kept to myself, both out of respect and for a little mystery.

I wonder what the fall will bring. I have not wanted summer to end, but I think I am in a better place to accept some of the changes and to remind myself to go with the flow.

A True Friend

I have to say that yesterday could have been a terrible day. It was a day with sadness and hurt of the past, but I let myself feel it and then carry on with my day. I did not fight the thoughts that passed in and out of my mind.

But one of the big things that helped most was a phone call that I got from one of my dearest best friends. Karen called me in the morning. I had an essay to write and I thought for a moment of not picking up the phone because I was in a good writing groove and the thoughts of what would have been my ten year anniversary were looming in my head. But then I thought, no, pick up the phone.

As Karen and I were talking, I asked her why she called and she said, "Just because."

She asked how I was feeling and then I stopped. I told her not so good and I asked her, "Did you call because you knew it was my anniversary?"

She said, "Yes, I figured today would be a hard day for you."

With that I teared up and out poured all of what I had been feeling about the day. And I told Karen about it and she just listened. And then I cried some more because it was so incredibly sensitive and insightful for her to call me on this day to check on me. Not many people remember anniversaries, or at least it seems like something more celebrated by the couple. And I would think the dates would easily slip out of some one's mind once the marriage is over. I was so touched that she not only remembered, but that she was also brave and supportive enough to call. It was exactly what I needed--to be heard and to be understood. I didn't even fully realize it until the end of the day. Karen allowed me to say out loud what I had been feeling so that it could escape from my reeling unconscious. It freed me to let the day be whatever it was to be. And actually, it turned out to be a pretty good day.

Thank you, Karen! You were my maid of honor and you certainly have never wavered in our long friendship. You are like a sister to me and know me so very well. You amaze me. You are a dear, sweet friend with a heart as big as the moon! I love you, girl!!!

Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago I got married to a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life. This was the anniversary I wondered about in what we would have done and accomplished in our lives together. I looked forward to making it to ten with a house, children, satisfaction in our careers, rich with family memories, and still being madly in love. I looked forward to that milestone and thinking that we would still be pretty young and being set to enjoy the prime of our lives. Not that I wanted to skip all of the years between, but I could really envision a future with him.

I am so very sad and hurt today, on what would have been our wedding anniversary. I don't want to be with him anymore. But today just really sucks. I am angry that he cheated on me. I am angry that I am thinking about my past with him. The loss of the happy memories makes me feel sad. I feel so mixed up and I would rather just forget about today.

Part of me wants to just curl up in bed and stay there all day. Part of me wants to treat the day as any other. But ten years just seems like too much to ignore. I thought last year would be difficult and it was. But I thought this year might have been easier and it is not. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of this day haunting me. It is too big for me, I want to give up this burden and to be free.

Another Crappy Thing...

I am mad and frustrated. It seems that there can be a misalignment in the progression of my life and how it may be perceived by others in my life. It is kind of like having a distant relative that always seems to think of you as the six year old you and not the adult you. It does not give credit to the time and experiences you have had since being six years old and that you are a different person.

So as I have written before, I have been dating. I may tell some of my family and friends about some of what has happened, but I may not get into a ton of detail. This is particularly true for the guys I dated in the spring. I understood it was new and did not carry expectations that it would go very far. I slowly let it leak out that I was starting to date so that my family and friends could get used to the idea that I was taking this step in my life. It seems so odd to have to let other people get used to the idea of me dating when it was not something that I was jumping into or doing as a way to prove my worth as a woman to myself or anyone. I really believe that when I started dating, I was really ready. And I know this from how I have felt about my experiences. It was not too soon or forced or rushed. I spent a lot of time thinking things through and was patient with myself to wait and to heal.

So it ticks me off when I feel like I am being judged about dating, whether it is too soon or if I would really be ready to see someone more exclusively. It is like some of my family and friends do not trust my own judgment on if I really know what I am doing or if I have any business in a relationship right now. But this isn't about if they are comfortable with me seeing someone exclusive. Guess what? I am ready and I want to enjoy the experience. It makes me mad when someone cannot share in my happiness.

I guess these feelings are amplified because I met this really great guy and I want to introduce him to the important people in my life. Since he is the first guy I have seen exclusively, I think some of my family and friends have been hard on him. And I don't believe it has anything to do with him and that this reaction would be the same if I inserted another guy. But to tell you the truth, by questioning my readiness for dating, they are missing out on a great person in my life. I feel badly for him to have to be the first and be put through this crap.

I should also say that most of my family and long-time friends are out of state. So they do not see me from day-to-day and cannot fully appreciate the changes in me. It is like there is this version of me that is stuck in their mind and I have to wait for them to realize that is not the current me. It is like I have to take these extra steps to prep them before introducing them to my new guy.

I am just thankful that my friends who are local are happy for me. I think they have a better idea of the current me. They have seen me at my lowest, but they have also seen me as I have picked myself back up in real-time. They have trust in me and that is so important. And I would have to say that is true of my BBC friends, too. These ladies have been reading and writing with me every step of the way. I am so grateful for their support, as well.

New guy, I am sorry you are being put through a lot. It is not a reflection on you and it is not fair. But please know that I think you are awesome, full of positive energy, and I am happy that you are sharing in my life and that I get to share in yours.

Getting on or off the F Train?

So, I guess maybe I should have followed a bit of my own advise. Or maybe not. Maybe it is sometimes better not to say anything.

There have been several occasions when I have read or heard about a friend being in a situation where they just felt uncomfortable and held themselves back because they were trying to be polite. Or it could have been that by saying something in that moment was just too much because it involves disclosing a large part of your personal history that you would rather not get into or share with a stranger or new acquaintance. I am usually encouraging people to speak their minds, especially if it really bothers them or to help someone understand their (hopefully unintended) hurtful words. It is about maybe expanding other people's perspectives and asking for compassion. It upsets me to see or hear about a friend suffering in silence because they do not want to upset the social balance.

But this weekend I sat uncomfortably silent, hoping for the moment to pass.

I was at a friend's for a birthday party for her son who was turning one. It was just a smaller gathering of family and a few last minute invites of friends that morning. I was very happy and honored that my friend thought of me and invited me to share in the special day with her family. This was an important birthday for my friend because this was for her youngest of six children and they are not planning on any more. She said it is always sad for her to see her babies turn one because they are no longer babies. This was a particularly emotional day because he is their last baby. She is so proud of her children and of all of their accomplishments, but they grow up so fast. My heart went out to my friend who was taking in all of the happy and sad feelings of the day.

That was not the moment.

The moment came when we were eating dinner with a conversation that seemed to turn into a runaway train, building in speed and intensity. Her family asked if I had any children. I said no. Then they asked if I was married and I said no. Then they asked if I wanted any children and I said someday. Then (with the train busting loose...) came the flurry of comments that I had better hurry up if I was ever going to catch up with my friend. Six babies is a lot and time is running out. And then they asked how old I was and that I am not getting any younger. And I had better find myself a husband because that is going to take time. And once I do, I had better get cracking. Nope, better not wait because, once again, I am not getting any younger. But then again (with the train jumping the track), there are so many people who have children who are not married these days...so maybe I don't really have to wait.

And on that final uncomfortable note, my friend was fortunately able to divert the conversation in another direction, after quickly interjecting with conviction and compassion that I have time and it will happen someday. I don't entirely remember what we started to talk about next, but it may have been about sweet corn or wondering when would be a good time to start desert.

My friend knows about my struggles with infertility and divorce. She has been an amazing source of support, strength, and love. The conversation all happened so fast and spun completely out of control. As it really got rolling, all I could do was look to my friend for help with my mouth gaping open while politely trying to smile. I felt so lost and as if drowning in a sea of comments coming at me rapid fire. (My train must have landed in a river or lake or something...)

And it didn't stop there, a few of the relatives in separate conversations came right back to how I should really think about having children before it is too late. Seriously? I just tried to evade the topic and politely maneuver around it. I know it was well intended, but I really, really did not feel like getting into my personal history with them because that would have been really awkward. I didn't feel like pointing out what they were saying was actually hurtful. I didn't want to take away from the focus of the party, the birthday boy. And I just didn't want to deal with whatever the reaction would have been and dealing with those comments.

So, I kept my mouth shut. Was it the right thing to do? I don't know. But what I do know is that I have a dear friend who did her best to protect my heart while maintaining that she still has sincere hope for me. She understands that I have to live my life right now and whatever happens is meant to be.