I know my last post was down right depressing. It was raw and felt so good once I hit publish. Sometimes I think the anticipation of something can be almost worse than the actual thing. I had been trying so hard not to let myself get so upset, to not go near what I was really thinking and to try to be brave. Sometimes I am just so tired of feeling all of those feelings or knowing that they are just waiting to spill over.
But, today was a better day. I had a presentation to give this afternoon at work (my very first!), so I think that helped to focus my mind elsewhere and keep me distracted. And when I was done, it felt really good. I was proud of myself. After I thanked the group for participating and sharing their stories, they sang happy birthday to me.
It was a good day because I got to enjoy the extra pumpkin chip cookies that I made for my presentation. Yesterday, a new friend made me birthday dinner. I was surrounded with love from family and friends with birthday wishes with cards, texts, facebook messages and phone calls. My mom sent me a birthday present in the mail with my usual and favorite birthday gift--a new fall sweater (a light one since I am in Florida now). I am blessed to have so many people who care about me and want good things for me in my life. And my heart is with them, too, wanting nothing but the very best for them.
I know this post is cheesy. But sometimes it is important to recognize the good--especially when you are more ready to embrace it again. Hopefully, each day gets better.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Unhappy Birthday
Turning 34 was really difficult for me. Turning 35 this year is even harder. This is not where I thought my life would be. Yes, I know it is better to be thankful for what you do have in your life and to focus on the blessings and the positives. But I am tired of being strong and I just want to sulk in my misery for a bit. Kind of need to hit that bottom (again) and try to get it out of my system before coming up again. Sometimes I just need to cry. If I had my way, I'd just stay in bed all day tomorrow and just wait it out to end. I just don't feel like being around anyone.
It was hard enough being married and turning 30 and not having had a child. Now I am 35, divorced, single and in no place to be entering a new relationship--and nowhere near considering having a child because if I'm going to have a child, I want that to be a shared experience with someone I love. I'm just such a mess. While I do feel like I am making more headway towards finding closure with the end of my relationship with RJ and forgiveness with A~, I just feel so lost in the loss of my dreams. My heart aches and hurts so much, to have a desire to give so much love and to have no direction to give it.
Turning 35 feels like the window is not far off from closing. I know there is still time and I am trying really hard not to hang all of my happiness on a relationship or a child. But today, it is really hard. So, I am just going to give myself permission to feel sad and cry every tear that I need today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
I am trying really hard to hang onto hope that I will find a man to share love and a life together. My next step is to build up the courage, faith and trust to believe that it will happen. As much as it almost hurts to breathe right now and that I'm drowning in my own sorrow, I will come to the surface--hopefully sooner rather than later. What gives me hope is knowing several women in my life who have found love later in life and have received many bountiful blessings. Please, God, let my turn come.
It was hard enough being married and turning 30 and not having had a child. Now I am 35, divorced, single and in no place to be entering a new relationship--and nowhere near considering having a child because if I'm going to have a child, I want that to be a shared experience with someone I love. I'm just such a mess. While I do feel like I am making more headway towards finding closure with the end of my relationship with RJ and forgiveness with A~, I just feel so lost in the loss of my dreams. My heart aches and hurts so much, to have a desire to give so much love and to have no direction to give it.
Turning 35 feels like the window is not far off from closing. I know there is still time and I am trying really hard not to hang all of my happiness on a relationship or a child. But today, it is really hard. So, I am just going to give myself permission to feel sad and cry every tear that I need today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
I am trying really hard to hang onto hope that I will find a man to share love and a life together. My next step is to build up the courage, faith and trust to believe that it will happen. As much as it almost hurts to breathe right now and that I'm drowning in my own sorrow, I will come to the surface--hopefully sooner rather than later. What gives me hope is knowing several women in my life who have found love later in life and have received many bountiful blessings. Please, God, let my turn come.
Monday, August 27, 2012
I Have to Let Go
Ugh, I have been ruminating since my last encounter with RJ and the note in the card he gave to me. He told me to wait to read it, probably so that he wouldn't have to deal with whatever fallout of emotions that may have come with it. I still don't know what to make of the time we spent in the coffee shop just before I drove out of town. I am sad and angry and relieved and disappointed.
A friend came to visit me the evening before I left Pittsburgh to give me a gift and note. It was very sweet, but what meant more to me was that she was checking in on how I was feeling. Her visit was so well timed. I just came home from dinner with another dear friend and my emotions were running high and brimming at the surface. I didn't know what to do with them. She asked me how I was feeling, and she was just so supportive and sweet. I told her how I was both excited and scared, thankful for the opportunity that was ahead and knowing that I will miss my friends in Pittsburgh.
My friend asked me if I had seen RJ. I told her no. She asked if I was planning on seeing him or if I wanted to see him. This was a conversation that I had with two other friends and I felt lost in trying to figure out what to do. I told her that I felt like he was hurt by my news of moving to Florida. It was a lot for me to take in and I still hadn't processed it all. Perhaps if we had more time, if we had another month, then it would have been easier. She asked me what I wanted. I told her that I did want to see RJ again before I left, but that I didn't know what I would say to him. I wouldn't want to meet with him and have it be yucky with mixed emotions and end poorly, especially since our last encounters had gone relatively well. Again, I just felt like I would just be sitting there and not knowing what to say. My friend said there was my answer. If I didn't have anything to say to him, that was okay. We hugged and I so appreciated her asking. RJ meant so much to me. I knew it would be difficult to leave Pittsburgh having lost someone in my life who I loved and thought was a great match. I felt better about not trying to force a moment and just letting things be.
Then RJ called me the next day just as the last of my stuff was being loaded onto the truck. He asked me when I was leaving and I told him as soon as everything was packed up. He seemed surprised. I guess I figured he was calling to see if it all fit and that he could officially let someone move into the apartment. Instead, RJ asked if we could meet. He was smart in realizing that coming to the apartment with my family there would not be a good idea. I suggested that we meet somewhere like a coffee shop and he liked that idea. I think his surprise was in that he called just in time and he almost missed the window of opportunity by ten minutes.
I was glad that RJ called me for one last visit before I left Pittsburgh. I did not want to be the one to ask. We met at Starbucks. RJ was sitting at a small round table by the window by the street. The sun washed over him with a blend of natural light and shadows within the shop that lent a familiar feel. It felt like home. It was reminiscent of his home without actually being in the space. The last time I was there was to clear out my belongings. His hair was just the right amount of messy. I paused and stood from a slight distance as he was writing in the card. He looked up and I asked him if he needed me to walk around the block to give him a minute to finish. He said no and scribbled the last of his words and sealed the envelope. RJ gave me the card as I sat down, but told me to open it later. He asked me if I wanted some tea and then got it for me.
When RJ returned, he seemed to have trouble looking at me and faced his body slightly away from me. I had to laugh a bit to myself because he was looking at me puzzled as I saw the wheels turning when he commented that there was something different about me. Wait for it...wait for it... RJ finally said that he thought my hair looked a little different. It is funny how guys can get so thrown by that kind of change. It's like they know something is different, but scramble to figure it out. Part of me was pleased because it seemed to mark distance and time apart from when we were together. It was almost a statement from me that I was moving on with my life. But that is somewhat of a front that I keep telling myself so that maybe I'll believe it, too. Then, I looked at RJ and noticed what was different about him. He looked like he had gained weight. It made me feel sad. There was no satisfaction in it. Sometimes people seem to make unflattering comments if their ex gains weight like it kind of makes them feel better, but it just made me feel sad. I felt sad because it probably meant that he wasn't fully taking care of himself.
RJ carried most of the conversation, and he seemed to boast of his success. I wasn't sure if he was sharing because he felt like it was a safe time to do so because I now finally had a job and he wouldn't be rubbing it in or if he was over compensating in that we both have good things in our lives to be happy about. It was almost like he was trying to say it is all okay because if we each had good things in our careers, then somehow it would be easier to walk away. RJ was more attractive when he had less. And I felt he was missing the point. In trying to make it seem like it all worked out for each of us separately, it felt like he was trying to indirectly justify himself for breaking up with me. I felt like he was trying to make himself feel better, and sort of trying to make me feel better. When he mentioned his parents and how much they wondered about me and how I was doing, I wanted to gouge out my eyeballs. These were the people who told their son that they thought he should break up with me, and he did. I wanted to tell him off. I was frustrated that he could not have the faith to stay strong in our separate times of struggle so that we could share together in the good times ahead. I didn't feel like celebrating our separate good fortunes.
But I tried to keep an open mind and take in what was most likely my last time with him. As he continued, I kind of started tuning him out in what he was saying. We both seemed to relax a bit and faced each other and made more eye contact. I noticed RJ's bare neck--the shape and contours of the muscles and smoothness of his skin compared to his stubble on his face. Again, his unshaven face was just the right amount. Looking at his neck I thought of the times when I snuggled up to him and could smell his cologne or when I was close to him and would kiss his neck as we made love. The sunlight in the coffee shop was just as it was in his bedroom. I missed that cozy space that felt like was a world of our own. Fleeting thoughts of memories missed passed in my mind. But this was not the RJ that I met and fell in love as time has a way making change or revealing things you did not see before the present.
At one point, our time seemed to edge on emotional. RJ had been doing most of the talking. So, I thanked him for asking me to get together because I wanted to see him, but I just didn't know what to say. I still didn't know what to say. RJ got a little glossy eyed and changed the subject, noting that he didn't want to cry in public. I later realized that I had been feeling rather numb, but trying to grasp at my emotions just below the surface. I wanted to be more in touch with my emotions at that moment, but it was too soon.
When we finished our drinks, RJ offered to walk me to the corner. It was odd to walk with him down the sidewalk to the corner that we parted on so many other occasions, once with a memorable kiss. We hugged, but it felt partly rushed and empty--not allowing room for the emotions to come to the surface. I turned to go my way and tried not to look back, pretty certain that he would not be looking back at me. As I began to jaywalk and cross the street, I looked over my shoulder for traffic and noticed RJ had done the same on his side of the street. Without realizing it, we were mirroring each other's footsteps and it broke my heart. So very close, so very close to finding real love. It makes me feel so sad that he could not see it, that he could not be strong enough and that I could not be brave enough.
I waited to open RJ's card until I had a quiet moment to myself. I was worried about what he wrote inside wondering if there would be some awful twist. But RJ's card and note were of sentiments of wishing me well. His handwriting was more controlled and consistent, seeming reflective of him getting more of his life together. He seemed to want to do the right thing, but by doing so, only made it hurt more. He said how special I am and that he wishes for all the happiness for me. His words are almost unfair. It made me feel like I was not good enough for him in someway. If I was so very special, why did he let me go? Why could he not pull it together when we were couple? How was it that he just didn't feel that it fit with me when I felt it with him?
Why?
That is the question that looms and haunts me. I have to find a way to let him go. I have to find a way to let go of all of the disappointment of what could have been. It troubles me because it shakes my confidence within myself to trust what is real or what is made up. I thought what we had was worth holding onto. How could I have been so wrong? How will I be able to tell the truth in the future?
But maybe this is what I needed. Maybe I needed this moment to realize that RJ did not fully appreciate me or the unconditional love that I had for him. He did not see the building strength in me that opened me up to love him even more. RJ needs to grow up, make his own decisions in life and let go of his past hurts because it sets limits. I saw some of my obstacles and did my emotional homework of confronting them to be able to move through them. Freedom and strength are on the other side of forgiveness. That is mine to keep. I deserve someone who appreciates me, all of me without trying to change me, and is not so willing to let me go while keeping appropriate emotional boundaries as two separate people who come together to share a life together.
A friend came to visit me the evening before I left Pittsburgh to give me a gift and note. It was very sweet, but what meant more to me was that she was checking in on how I was feeling. Her visit was so well timed. I just came home from dinner with another dear friend and my emotions were running high and brimming at the surface. I didn't know what to do with them. She asked me how I was feeling, and she was just so supportive and sweet. I told her how I was both excited and scared, thankful for the opportunity that was ahead and knowing that I will miss my friends in Pittsburgh.
My friend asked me if I had seen RJ. I told her no. She asked if I was planning on seeing him or if I wanted to see him. This was a conversation that I had with two other friends and I felt lost in trying to figure out what to do. I told her that I felt like he was hurt by my news of moving to Florida. It was a lot for me to take in and I still hadn't processed it all. Perhaps if we had more time, if we had another month, then it would have been easier. She asked me what I wanted. I told her that I did want to see RJ again before I left, but that I didn't know what I would say to him. I wouldn't want to meet with him and have it be yucky with mixed emotions and end poorly, especially since our last encounters had gone relatively well. Again, I just felt like I would just be sitting there and not knowing what to say. My friend said there was my answer. If I didn't have anything to say to him, that was okay. We hugged and I so appreciated her asking. RJ meant so much to me. I knew it would be difficult to leave Pittsburgh having lost someone in my life who I loved and thought was a great match. I felt better about not trying to force a moment and just letting things be.
Then RJ called me the next day just as the last of my stuff was being loaded onto the truck. He asked me when I was leaving and I told him as soon as everything was packed up. He seemed surprised. I guess I figured he was calling to see if it all fit and that he could officially let someone move into the apartment. Instead, RJ asked if we could meet. He was smart in realizing that coming to the apartment with my family there would not be a good idea. I suggested that we meet somewhere like a coffee shop and he liked that idea. I think his surprise was in that he called just in time and he almost missed the window of opportunity by ten minutes.
I was glad that RJ called me for one last visit before I left Pittsburgh. I did not want to be the one to ask. We met at Starbucks. RJ was sitting at a small round table by the window by the street. The sun washed over him with a blend of natural light and shadows within the shop that lent a familiar feel. It felt like home. It was reminiscent of his home without actually being in the space. The last time I was there was to clear out my belongings. His hair was just the right amount of messy. I paused and stood from a slight distance as he was writing in the card. He looked up and I asked him if he needed me to walk around the block to give him a minute to finish. He said no and scribbled the last of his words and sealed the envelope. RJ gave me the card as I sat down, but told me to open it later. He asked me if I wanted some tea and then got it for me.
When RJ returned, he seemed to have trouble looking at me and faced his body slightly away from me. I had to laugh a bit to myself because he was looking at me puzzled as I saw the wheels turning when he commented that there was something different about me. Wait for it...wait for it... RJ finally said that he thought my hair looked a little different. It is funny how guys can get so thrown by that kind of change. It's like they know something is different, but scramble to figure it out. Part of me was pleased because it seemed to mark distance and time apart from when we were together. It was almost a statement from me that I was moving on with my life. But that is somewhat of a front that I keep telling myself so that maybe I'll believe it, too. Then, I looked at RJ and noticed what was different about him. He looked like he had gained weight. It made me feel sad. There was no satisfaction in it. Sometimes people seem to make unflattering comments if their ex gains weight like it kind of makes them feel better, but it just made me feel sad. I felt sad because it probably meant that he wasn't fully taking care of himself.
RJ carried most of the conversation, and he seemed to boast of his success. I wasn't sure if he was sharing because he felt like it was a safe time to do so because I now finally had a job and he wouldn't be rubbing it in or if he was over compensating in that we both have good things in our lives to be happy about. It was almost like he was trying to say it is all okay because if we each had good things in our careers, then somehow it would be easier to walk away. RJ was more attractive when he had less. And I felt he was missing the point. In trying to make it seem like it all worked out for each of us separately, it felt like he was trying to indirectly justify himself for breaking up with me. I felt like he was trying to make himself feel better, and sort of trying to make me feel better. When he mentioned his parents and how much they wondered about me and how I was doing, I wanted to gouge out my eyeballs. These were the people who told their son that they thought he should break up with me, and he did. I wanted to tell him off. I was frustrated that he could not have the faith to stay strong in our separate times of struggle so that we could share together in the good times ahead. I didn't feel like celebrating our separate good fortunes.
But I tried to keep an open mind and take in what was most likely my last time with him. As he continued, I kind of started tuning him out in what he was saying. We both seemed to relax a bit and faced each other and made more eye contact. I noticed RJ's bare neck--the shape and contours of the muscles and smoothness of his skin compared to his stubble on his face. Again, his unshaven face was just the right amount. Looking at his neck I thought of the times when I snuggled up to him and could smell his cologne or when I was close to him and would kiss his neck as we made love. The sunlight in the coffee shop was just as it was in his bedroom. I missed that cozy space that felt like was a world of our own. Fleeting thoughts of memories missed passed in my mind. But this was not the RJ that I met and fell in love as time has a way making change or revealing things you did not see before the present.
At one point, our time seemed to edge on emotional. RJ had been doing most of the talking. So, I thanked him for asking me to get together because I wanted to see him, but I just didn't know what to say. I still didn't know what to say. RJ got a little glossy eyed and changed the subject, noting that he didn't want to cry in public. I later realized that I had been feeling rather numb, but trying to grasp at my emotions just below the surface. I wanted to be more in touch with my emotions at that moment, but it was too soon.
When we finished our drinks, RJ offered to walk me to the corner. It was odd to walk with him down the sidewalk to the corner that we parted on so many other occasions, once with a memorable kiss. We hugged, but it felt partly rushed and empty--not allowing room for the emotions to come to the surface. I turned to go my way and tried not to look back, pretty certain that he would not be looking back at me. As I began to jaywalk and cross the street, I looked over my shoulder for traffic and noticed RJ had done the same on his side of the street. Without realizing it, we were mirroring each other's footsteps and it broke my heart. So very close, so very close to finding real love. It makes me feel so sad that he could not see it, that he could not be strong enough and that I could not be brave enough.
I waited to open RJ's card until I had a quiet moment to myself. I was worried about what he wrote inside wondering if there would be some awful twist. But RJ's card and note were of sentiments of wishing me well. His handwriting was more controlled and consistent, seeming reflective of him getting more of his life together. He seemed to want to do the right thing, but by doing so, only made it hurt more. He said how special I am and that he wishes for all the happiness for me. His words are almost unfair. It made me feel like I was not good enough for him in someway. If I was so very special, why did he let me go? Why could he not pull it together when we were couple? How was it that he just didn't feel that it fit with me when I felt it with him?
Why?
That is the question that looms and haunts me. I have to find a way to let him go. I have to find a way to let go of all of the disappointment of what could have been. It troubles me because it shakes my confidence within myself to trust what is real or what is made up. I thought what we had was worth holding onto. How could I have been so wrong? How will I be able to tell the truth in the future?
But maybe this is what I needed. Maybe I needed this moment to realize that RJ did not fully appreciate me or the unconditional love that I had for him. He did not see the building strength in me that opened me up to love him even more. RJ needs to grow up, make his own decisions in life and let go of his past hurts because it sets limits. I saw some of my obstacles and did my emotional homework of confronting them to be able to move through them. Freedom and strength are on the other side of forgiveness. That is mine to keep. I deserve someone who appreciates me, all of me without trying to change me, and is not so willing to let me go while keeping appropriate emotional boundaries as two separate people who come together to share a life together.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Orlando Came Calling
As it turns out, the universe was listening. I have a job! It is so great to be able to say that. I have a job at a new hospital in Orlando as a Child Life Specialist. It is an amazing opportunity and I am so grateful. It is exactly the type of position that was the focus of my master's degree.
At first I was told that they found someone with hospital work experience, but that they wanted to hold onto my resume since they anticipated growth. Hence the previous posts of disappointment. I had such a good feeling and had been so hopeful. So, when I got the call for the offer a few weeks later, it was quite a surprise. As a matter of fact, when I returned after my second interview, I went shoe shopping to find something to go with my dress for a friend's wedding and found a cute pair of wedge heels. They were a maybe for a match with the dress, and I ended up deciding on another pair. But, the shoes were such a good price, and the braided jute accents just said Florida all over them. I remember thinking to myself, "I don't need two new pairs of shoes, but maybe I should keep them. They are just so right for Florida." I took it as a sign that Orlando was calling me. When I got the initial news, I thought, "No, not the Florida shoes! I don't want to return the Florida shoes!" My disappointment in kind of having to return the shoes seemed to reflect just how much I really wanted the job and felt it was right on so many levels.
So, even if all did not unfold as neatly as I may have liked, it is still crazy good that I got the offer and I will be going. As I said, it is a brand new hospital and everyone is new. There is a lot of good, positive energy and I cannot wait to begin. With everything being so new, there is an element of not fully knowing what to expect.
My friend, Pete, asked me a couple of days ago, "Are you scared? I mean, to move some place totally new and all by yourself?" He said that he thought that I was brave because he has only lived in the same city his whole life and cannot imagine being anywhere else. My friend, Melissa, kind of shared the same sentiment, but in a totally different context in that she is jealous that I have lived in so many different places and highlighted it being a great opportunity. My knee jerk reaction is, "Yeah, I've done this before." I will not be totally alone either. I have cousins and aunts who live in Orlando. However, if I stop and think about it, I start to wonder what I have really gotten myself into with this new position and move?
The closest that I can come to describing it is that it is like going away for college. You think you have an idea, but there is so much yet to be discovered and so much that is unanswered. It is kind of like going in blind, and it is all of what you make of it. The same could be said for when I went to study in Spain for a semester in college. I took those risks for me and they worked out well. I just have to have faith in myself and remind myself that God has a plan for me. He is leading me somewhere and while it may be challenging at times, I have to trust and believe I am exactly where I need to be right now. The whole experience of moving to a new city and restarting my career in some place new in of itself is a grand opportunity to really start fresh. It is exhilarating and scary and hopeful.
I'd almost say it's like restarting my life, but I've been living a new life for quite some time since the infertility and divorce. And I am proud that I have been making a life for myself while rebuilding, going to grad school and searching for a steady full-time job. I have found a pretty good balance of living life in the moment while going with a plan with some fluidity. In the good kind of way, I think this chapter in my life has well illustrated the old adage, "Life is what happens while you are busy planning it."
It's been a whirlwind--or as my hairdresser told me--a cyclone! During the past three weeks, the offer was made, I accepted the position (with a bit of thinking time to be sure I wasn't being totally rash), began calling/emailing/facebooking to share the news, flew down to Florida to find an apartment, signed a lease, have been packing, made moving arrangements, packed some more, went to a wedding, and have been squeezing in as many good-byes to my Pittsburgh friends and Cleveland friends and family. I have had hardly a moment to think about it. Sometimes there are fleeting thoughts and then it is back to work.
I have experienced excitement about moving to Orlando. And I know that I will miss Pittsburgh, too. I have made some wonderful, supportive friends here. I have made memories and will always have a connection to this city. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am happy that I was able to make living in this city my own experience--to really take it back and own it. There may be some sad things here, but I think the good things far out number them and have greater power. I have felt a lot of love here. And I did it when when my whole other life was falling apart. I invested in myself and those around me who cared. So, if I can make it in a strange place in the midst of heartbreak and crisis, I can certainly make friends and a home in a new place, as well. Pray for me and wish me well! I have felt the love here with my circle of friends on-line and I thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you!
Another funny note--When I went to Orlando for my second interview, I stayed in a hotel next to the one that I stayed in with some of the BBC ladies on that first gathering three and a half years ago! When I met the ladies there, I never imagined really returning there. I took that as another sign that I was supposed to be in Florida. Funny how life works sometimes.
At first I was told that they found someone with hospital work experience, but that they wanted to hold onto my resume since they anticipated growth. Hence the previous posts of disappointment. I had such a good feeling and had been so hopeful. So, when I got the call for the offer a few weeks later, it was quite a surprise. As a matter of fact, when I returned after my second interview, I went shoe shopping to find something to go with my dress for a friend's wedding and found a cute pair of wedge heels. They were a maybe for a match with the dress, and I ended up deciding on another pair. But, the shoes were such a good price, and the braided jute accents just said Florida all over them. I remember thinking to myself, "I don't need two new pairs of shoes, but maybe I should keep them. They are just so right for Florida." I took it as a sign that Orlando was calling me. When I got the initial news, I thought, "No, not the Florida shoes! I don't want to return the Florida shoes!" My disappointment in kind of having to return the shoes seemed to reflect just how much I really wanted the job and felt it was right on so many levels.
So, even if all did not unfold as neatly as I may have liked, it is still crazy good that I got the offer and I will be going. As I said, it is a brand new hospital and everyone is new. There is a lot of good, positive energy and I cannot wait to begin. With everything being so new, there is an element of not fully knowing what to expect.
My friend, Pete, asked me a couple of days ago, "Are you scared? I mean, to move some place totally new and all by yourself?" He said that he thought that I was brave because he has only lived in the same city his whole life and cannot imagine being anywhere else. My friend, Melissa, kind of shared the same sentiment, but in a totally different context in that she is jealous that I have lived in so many different places and highlighted it being a great opportunity. My knee jerk reaction is, "Yeah, I've done this before." I will not be totally alone either. I have cousins and aunts who live in Orlando. However, if I stop and think about it, I start to wonder what I have really gotten myself into with this new position and move?
The closest that I can come to describing it is that it is like going away for college. You think you have an idea, but there is so much yet to be discovered and so much that is unanswered. It is kind of like going in blind, and it is all of what you make of it. The same could be said for when I went to study in Spain for a semester in college. I took those risks for me and they worked out well. I just have to have faith in myself and remind myself that God has a plan for me. He is leading me somewhere and while it may be challenging at times, I have to trust and believe I am exactly where I need to be right now. The whole experience of moving to a new city and restarting my career in some place new in of itself is a grand opportunity to really start fresh. It is exhilarating and scary and hopeful.
I'd almost say it's like restarting my life, but I've been living a new life for quite some time since the infertility and divorce. And I am proud that I have been making a life for myself while rebuilding, going to grad school and searching for a steady full-time job. I have found a pretty good balance of living life in the moment while going with a plan with some fluidity. In the good kind of way, I think this chapter in my life has well illustrated the old adage, "Life is what happens while you are busy planning it."
It's been a whirlwind--or as my hairdresser told me--a cyclone! During the past three weeks, the offer was made, I accepted the position (with a bit of thinking time to be sure I wasn't being totally rash), began calling/emailing/facebooking to share the news, flew down to Florida to find an apartment, signed a lease, have been packing, made moving arrangements, packed some more, went to a wedding, and have been squeezing in as many good-byes to my Pittsburgh friends and Cleveland friends and family. I have had hardly a moment to think about it. Sometimes there are fleeting thoughts and then it is back to work.
I have experienced excitement about moving to Orlando. And I know that I will miss Pittsburgh, too. I have made some wonderful, supportive friends here. I have made memories and will always have a connection to this city. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am happy that I was able to make living in this city my own experience--to really take it back and own it. There may be some sad things here, but I think the good things far out number them and have greater power. I have felt a lot of love here. And I did it when when my whole other life was falling apart. I invested in myself and those around me who cared. So, if I can make it in a strange place in the midst of heartbreak and crisis, I can certainly make friends and a home in a new place, as well. Pray for me and wish me well! I have felt the love here with my circle of friends on-line and I thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you!
Another funny note--When I went to Orlando for my second interview, I stayed in a hotel next to the one that I stayed in with some of the BBC ladies on that first gathering three and a half years ago! When I met the ladies there, I never imagined really returning there. I took that as another sign that I was supposed to be in Florida. Funny how life works sometimes.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Falling From Cloud Nine
My life is changing at warp speed and I barely have time to process it all. I feel like I am treading water in a river of rapids--trying to stay afloat while paying attention to all of what is happening around me. The damn has broken. All of my efforts to transform my life are quickly falling into place. But before I share those details that are in the progress of taking shape, I need to take a step back and reflect.
A few weeks ago, I was approaching that old familiar, uncomfortable territory of change. My post-graduate summer internship with a non-profit organization was coming to an end, and I was preparing to return to my part-time behavioral health position. My hope was to keep my old job with minimal commitment until the end of the summer in the hopes that one of my recent interviews would result in a more permanent full-time position. I felt like my life was up in the air, and I was very frustrated that eight months of job searching had not yielded my desired result. I kept reminding myself not to give up hope and trust that things would just work themselves out, just as they have in the my recent past. For the past six years, I feel I have continued to cycle back to a place of total uncertainty and nearing the breaking point when suddenly something popped into the picture at just the right time. So, I was at this place yet again while being accompanied by additional raised emotional turmoil. I recognized these feelings of distress and I was waiting for myself to become aware of the root cause. Sometimes it is awoken by a sensation, a song or an epiphany. This time it was a moment strolling down a sidewalk.
My parents, sister and her boyfriend were in town visiting me. We enjoyed some of the art scene, downtown and paths along the river. My family wanted to enjoy some good Italian food, after all I have been living in Pittsburgh's Little Italy. The restaurant I figured that would be most reasonably priced while also having great food also happens to have a bar that my ex-boyfriend frequents. I was hesitant and I had not stepped inside the establishment since the break-up. But my family really wanted to go. There are two doors, one in the front and one on the side. So, I figured we could use the side entrance and if he was there, he would be in the front and probably would hardly notice each other. What were the chances? Strangely, we had not run into each other living a few blocks apart for nearly seven months.
So, who did I see walking up the sidewalk at the exact same time as me? RJ. He was about to turn to enter the front entrance and I was about to step in the side door. Had either one left seconds earlier or later, we would not have met at that moment. All of the other scenarios that could have prevented this moment ran through my head. If only...if only we went there first instead of the beer emporium, if only I kept my shoes on when running back into the house, if only I had not paused to run back to recheck that I had locked my back door...if only. Really? Really? Did I really have to run into him at that exact moment? This is precisely what I had been avoiding because I didn't know how I would react or feel.
I felt like time and movement slowed as the air in my lungs seemed nonexistent. Then quickly, I became aware and took a deep breath. He seemed to experience similar surprise, shot a hand up and waved from a distance. I waved back. And as time seemed to resume to life speed, we continued along our separate paths into the restaurant. It all happened within seconds, but seamless.
Later, I saw a text from RJ. He said he was sorry because he wasn't sure how to handle the situation. He wanted to say hello, but also did not want to make an awkward scene. I texted saying I wasn't sure what to do either. I felt his wave was appropriate and if he had come to say hello, that would have been fine.
The day after an encounter with RJ usually results in unsettling feelings, like aftershocks from an earthquake. It is because it hurts to see him knowing that he doesn't want me in his life in the way I had once hoped. While on some distant levels I miss him, I've done a lot to move forward. I have accepted that we are not to be together and it is best to move on. I realized that all of the recent inner turmoil was the emotional work of letting go of the dreams I had with him. The loss is the hope of moving into a house together like we started to talk about before I left for my summer internship in Columbus last year. The loss is the hope of marrying RJ. He was a man that I loved so deeply after all that I had been through with my ex-husband. It was an experience that was almost unimmaginable, but it felt so right. Where did it all go? And had life continued along that other dreamed road, at this point this summer we would have been in that house, free from my grad school commitments to have more freedom in our life choices and planning our next adventure.
It is a double-edge sword. The losses are sad. I do not want a relationship with RJ anymore. But from previous experience, this experience of the loss of the dream just means that I am almost at the end. It is the last major hurdle in processing the end of our relationship. And soon I will be more free, more complete and capable of deciding if I am ready to give of my heart again. The strength is rebuilding and I am on my way.
A few more songs. However, I've never really been one to say that I'll close myself off to love. But I will be stronger and hopefully smarter.
Of course, that is not the end of the story as life is not stagnet and continues to roll along. About a week later, RJ and I were talking on the phone about an unrelated matter. He brought up the chance meeting and shared that he was bothered about if he handled things well for several days after. What does it mean? So, I'm not the only one who feels those residual ripples. I guess what I take from it is that what RJ and I shared was special and meaningful. It is a very different experience from my prior long-term relationship in that at least RJ values the time we spent together to some degree and that he respects me as a person in some way. It has softened my heart in understanding how some people may actually be able to have reasonable conversations or friendships after the romantic relationship has ended.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Okay, Universe...Let's Try This Again
Well, its back to plugging away for my next career opportunity. It is disappointing to get sooooo close, but not close enough. I have a few more job interviews yet, so please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. These are still great opportunities and bring their own strengths. And there may be some opportunities to come on the horizon. It is not easy to find full-time employment in this economy. With my last attempt I was 1 of 10 interviewed out of 1,500 applicants. They said that they anticipate growth in their department and would like to hold onto my resume. Slowly getting closer and holding onto hope. In my heart I feel like I am on a path of where I am supposed to be, and I know I will be fantastic.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Sending It Out to the Universe
I've got big things cooking with some great potential for awesome career opportunities. The closer I get, the more I get excited. I've got to keep my focus, shine and keep the positive energy going. Tomorrow is a big day. Keep me in your thoughts for the very best possible outcome! I welcome all the good vibes y'all care to send my way. :)
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I Saw You Looking Back...
as you were pulling away from the driveway in your car. I pretended not to notice as I took out the Tupperware containers from my lunch bag to be placed in the dishwasher. I casually spun around and returned my lunch bag to its place on top of the refrigerator. In that moment of glancing up and out of the kitchen window in the midst of my usual after work routine, I saw you do something that you never did before when we were together...something that when we were together I looked for so hopefully.
I cannot tell you how many times I stood by my kitchen window watching as you left. Part of it is my familial habit of walking visitors, friends and family to the door when saying good-bye and then watching and waving in their send off. Sometimes it seems silly, but I cannot help these rituals. It provides some sense of comfort, hope and well wishes exchanged between myself and those that I care about until I see them again. When it is reciprocated, there is a sort of feeling of closure in that moment, almost like an acknowledgement...until the next time...or...my spirit is with your spirit.
But when we were together, you never looked back. You would jump into your car and off you went...zoom...onto the next adventure in life. So many times you were full of energy and bounding to do the next thing. I wondered if I was hardly a thought in your mind as you carried about your day after you left. You seemed so comfortable in your leaving. But was it that you took for granted that you would return to me?
Today you paused. You were looking up at me, and what seemed like the first time that you had been watching me. It's strange to suddenly realize that you are being observed. My breath slipped away and when I neared your eyes, I looked away. I didn't want you to see me noticing you noticing me. The thing that I longed for when we were together and you didn't do, suddenly now you took the time to do.
My heart hurts and it's not fair. There are days that I still miss you, still think about you and wonder why it could not have worked. I loved you so. But then I think back to the things that secretly brought me relief when it was over. And that saddens my heart, too. It comes in cycles of mourning, sadness and anger that get smaller and smaller with time. They are followed by the building of strength that comes from productively feeling the pain...to honor what was lost in order to move onward.
Why did you have to look at me in that way today from your car? It was awkward enough to have to ask you to come and unlock my door after I locked my keys in my apartment. You were kind about it, but you could hardly look at me. And I could hardly look at you. We were polite and asked the obligatory, "How are you?" I sensed that you did not want to be there in that space with me as it felt quietly rushed. Both were seemingly insouciant, but with more under the surface than what either of us was willing to admit. I cannot imagine what the real thoughts were in your head. I have no idea.
As you were unlocking the door, I just kind of glanced around you. I could not look at you, as much as I wanted to catch a glimpse of your face. A song came to my mind, one that is so cliche, but snippets kept jumping out at me...
"Dreams, that's where I have to go to see your beautiful face anymore."
I almost felt like I would rather just remember you the way that I imagine than to painfully see you in this current reality knowing you are no longer with me.
"I would lie and say that you're not on my mind."
I cannot tell you how many times I stood by my kitchen window watching as you left. Part of it is my familial habit of walking visitors, friends and family to the door when saying good-bye and then watching and waving in their send off. Sometimes it seems silly, but I cannot help these rituals. It provides some sense of comfort, hope and well wishes exchanged between myself and those that I care about until I see them again. When it is reciprocated, there is a sort of feeling of closure in that moment, almost like an acknowledgement...until the next time...or...my spirit is with your spirit.
But when we were together, you never looked back. You would jump into your car and off you went...zoom...onto the next adventure in life. So many times you were full of energy and bounding to do the next thing. I wondered if I was hardly a thought in your mind as you carried about your day after you left. You seemed so comfortable in your leaving. But was it that you took for granted that you would return to me?
Today you paused. You were looking up at me, and what seemed like the first time that you had been watching me. It's strange to suddenly realize that you are being observed. My breath slipped away and when I neared your eyes, I looked away. I didn't want you to see me noticing you noticing me. The thing that I longed for when we were together and you didn't do, suddenly now you took the time to do.
My heart hurts and it's not fair. There are days that I still miss you, still think about you and wonder why it could not have worked. I loved you so. But then I think back to the things that secretly brought me relief when it was over. And that saddens my heart, too. It comes in cycles of mourning, sadness and anger that get smaller and smaller with time. They are followed by the building of strength that comes from productively feeling the pain...to honor what was lost in order to move onward.
Why did you have to look at me in that way today from your car? It was awkward enough to have to ask you to come and unlock my door after I locked my keys in my apartment. You were kind about it, but you could hardly look at me. And I could hardly look at you. We were polite and asked the obligatory, "How are you?" I sensed that you did not want to be there in that space with me as it felt quietly rushed. Both were seemingly insouciant, but with more under the surface than what either of us was willing to admit. I cannot imagine what the real thoughts were in your head. I have no idea.
As you were unlocking the door, I just kind of glanced around you. I could not look at you, as much as I wanted to catch a glimpse of your face. A song came to my mind, one that is so cliche, but snippets kept jumping out at me...
"Dreams, that's where I have to go to see your beautiful face anymore."
I almost felt like I would rather just remember you the way that I imagine than to painfully see you in this current reality knowing you are no longer with me.
"I would lie and say that you're not on my mind."
Monday, June 18, 2012
A Healthy Amount of Resiliency
In child development there is a concept called ghosts in the nursery. It refers to a parent's fears about effectively bonding or child rearing with their child. Sometimes people may feel that their own parents may not have done the best job at parenting or sometimes people come from complex histories with deep emotional hurts. They may worry how their past has shaped who they are today and how it will impact their perceived ability to be a good parent. Just because a person may have less than desirable things in their past does not mean that they will be a poor parent. Actually, those who can identify the ways in which they would do things differently and make the effort to do them, use the power within themselves to make a difference. Sure, we are shaped by our experiences, but we are not powerless because of them. Those who seek to be different have the courage to change. I think the same could be said across multiple domains of our lives and not just parenting.
For me, there has been a small part wondering if I am broken because of my personal history-- experiences with my ex-husband, close family members who died when I was a child or other things. I know I am sensitive and it can create triggers for me. But, I try to stop and take a step back when I feel that rush of emotion so to avoid projecting my past, like relationship hurts onto another person unfairly. There are also those childhood fears lurking that can be difficult to let go. And I've wondered if my past is too much for another man to handle. Sometimes it makes it difficult for me to trust, to be transparent and to allow myself to initially take the risk to connect with another man in a romantic relationship. I want a man who can know me, understand from where I am coming, so he can have compassion without feeling sorry for me. Likewise, I want to be able to do the same for him. I am not asking for someone to solve any problems, but for me to be able to feel safe being me--all of me--without chasing them away.
And frankly, I have been working very hard to move forward in my life. It can be a bit tough to see fully at the moment as I continue to seek out full-time job opportunities. But, I don't want my past to totally define me. Sure, I want some amount of acknowledgement of the past, but do not ignore the present me and what I dream to be. I am more. And I will continue to evolve and change--hopefully growing in the strength, confidence and freedom to let my true self shine.
During one of the professional development sessions at a conference a few weeks ago, one speaker talked about the commonalities found in people who have resilience. First, resilient people understand that they may not be able to control certain life circumstances, but they do not let those life circumstances control them. They realize the power within themselves to be able to do something about it--they have choice. The second quality is in being able to embrace the good and the bad in their lives, while being able to focus more on the good. It is not ignoring, dismissing or skipping over the bad stuff. It is taking it all in, but with the redirection on refocusing on the good in their lives with gratitude. The final part is being able to healthfully seek and appropriately accept the help of others. We are not in this alone and social connectivity is important, especially in the company of those you love and respect.
Can I do this? Yes. The answer is yes because I believe I have the qualities found in resiliency. Sometimes it may take a bit more effort than other times, but I think it is there. In my Finish heritage there is a word for it, too. Sisu. It is difficult to translate into English because it is such a multidimensional concept. The simplest way to describe sisu is having inner determination. It is not just survival, but that step beyond in holding onto hope and living every moment with zest for fulfillment of realizing one's dreams.
It's time to refocus and recapture that sisu!
For me, there has been a small part wondering if I am broken because of my personal history-- experiences with my ex-husband, close family members who died when I was a child or other things. I know I am sensitive and it can create triggers for me. But, I try to stop and take a step back when I feel that rush of emotion so to avoid projecting my past, like relationship hurts onto another person unfairly. There are also those childhood fears lurking that can be difficult to let go. And I've wondered if my past is too much for another man to handle. Sometimes it makes it difficult for me to trust, to be transparent and to allow myself to initially take the risk to connect with another man in a romantic relationship. I want a man who can know me, understand from where I am coming, so he can have compassion without feeling sorry for me. Likewise, I want to be able to do the same for him. I am not asking for someone to solve any problems, but for me to be able to feel safe being me--all of me--without chasing them away.
And frankly, I have been working very hard to move forward in my life. It can be a bit tough to see fully at the moment as I continue to seek out full-time job opportunities. But, I don't want my past to totally define me. Sure, I want some amount of acknowledgement of the past, but do not ignore the present me and what I dream to be. I am more. And I will continue to evolve and change--hopefully growing in the strength, confidence and freedom to let my true self shine.
During one of the professional development sessions at a conference a few weeks ago, one speaker talked about the commonalities found in people who have resilience. First, resilient people understand that they may not be able to control certain life circumstances, but they do not let those life circumstances control them. They realize the power within themselves to be able to do something about it--they have choice. The second quality is in being able to embrace the good and the bad in their lives, while being able to focus more on the good. It is not ignoring, dismissing or skipping over the bad stuff. It is taking it all in, but with the redirection on refocusing on the good in their lives with gratitude. The final part is being able to healthfully seek and appropriately accept the help of others. We are not in this alone and social connectivity is important, especially in the company of those you love and respect.
Can I do this? Yes. The answer is yes because I believe I have the qualities found in resiliency. Sometimes it may take a bit more effort than other times, but I think it is there. In my Finish heritage there is a word for it, too. Sisu. It is difficult to translate into English because it is such a multidimensional concept. The simplest way to describe sisu is having inner determination. It is not just survival, but that step beyond in holding onto hope and living every moment with zest for fulfillment of realizing one's dreams.
It's time to refocus and recapture that sisu!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Mother's Day Tribute, Part I
It is funny how life works sometimes. It is true that certain people come into our lives for a reason. I have experienced this blessing countless times over, and I so enjoy taking in the vast amazement of it. Diane is one of these people, who has become a close friend and confidant.
When I moved to Pittsburgh the second time, there were some strange coincidences of shared commonalities between me and A~ and another couple that was moving into the neighborhood a few houses down the street. We built similar style homes and moved within a month of each other. The guys were both starting work at the same hospital, in the same department and with the same position. Diane and I shared backgrounds in teaching elementary school.
We started to hang out and got along pretty well. I really enjoyed Diane and G~'s sense of humor, genuine spirit and warmth that adds to the sense of community in a neighborhood. Diane and I would trade tips on yard work and house projects and quickly became the go-to people if others had questions about new house things. When you build a new home, there are "fun" things like inspections to get the builders to come fix the stuff they forgot to do the first time. Diane and I were both meticulously organized and masterful in accumulating resources and lists of numbers of helpful people to call to get our requests done correctly and promptly.
Then as the neighborhood became more established, it was time to elect a board for the home owner's association. It seemed like the general consensus around the neighborhood was to be chill and let everyone just enjoy having their new home and yard and do what they liked with them. So to help keep it that way, Diane ran to be elected to the board and I was asked to be on the architectual control committee. Our platform was to be as anti-HOA as possible...in that if you have to go through the process of getting something approved, our answer was yes. Sometimes it was difficult to stay within the rules, but we helped home owners find the holes and exeptions to get their requests approved while following the set by-laws and guidelines. Diane and I even distributed a survey about the rules around fences, which was a hot debate. It turned out most people wanted there to be fewer restrictions. So, we wrote up an addendum and sent out ballots for a vote. When there were not enough votes to represent a majority (one way or the other on the issue), we went door to door to get the rest of the ballots. In the end, the fence by-law was changed to reach a compromise. Woohoo! Local politics and do-gooders at its finest!
The point is that Diane and I bonded. We talked shop about teacher stuff, shared stories and watched Pens games. We consulted each other about the latest and greatest at Lowes, Home Depot and Target. We went for walks and chatted with neighbors. As we are both people who tend to stay up late, we could see the lights on in each other's houses and would send emails back and forth. And there was my garage door...there were times that I would get a call from Diane telling me that my garage door was open around ten or eleven at night. Or I would be at the store and forget if I closed the garage door on my way out, and I would call Diane to check. From her home office with a laugh, "Yep, Jamie. You're good." I never had a garage door opener and for some reason it would just slip my mind!
Then in the spring, A~ and G~ had a conference in Las Vegas. Diane and I joined them and turned it into a bit of a vacation. It was a great time to get away to get a dose of warm weather, sunshine and pool time. Good food, fun and time to relax...time to get away...to escape the dark side of what I had been silently carrying with me for over a year.
One day in the middle of lunch with just the two of us, Diane stopped. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but Diane brought up the topic of children. I forget if she asked me or if she disclosed first. But as it turned out, G~ and Diane had been trying to conceive for years with no success. She asked me if A~ and I had been trying and if we were having similar difficulty. Tears filled my eyes, both in great sadness and relief. I was sad for myself in facing the harsh, stark truth of not being able to conceive a child so out in the open. I felt so vulnerable and ashamed. But I felt even more sad for Diane because what I had experienced was no where near the emotional pain that she and G~ had already been through. I felt relief on a certain level in that the truth was finally out, and that I was not alone. Suddenly, I felt like I could breathe again.
Before this very moment, it was a silent pain that only A~ and I knew. We told no one. We didn't tell our parents, our family or our closest friends. To the exponentially, increasingly asked question, "When are you going to have kids?," our response was an avoidant, steeped in an awkwardly masked sadness, "Someday."
Diane's disclosure of her history of infertility was honorable, sensitive and kind. She said that it seemed that when you have experienced it, it is like you develop a kind of radar for it. It is not something that is openly talked about, but somehow you know. Diane and I talked at length that day, both in her sharing her story and me sharing mine. Diane told me about Babycenter.com, or the BBC, with its on-line community of women who are mothers, who will be mothers or who are trying to be mothers. She told me how you can go on the board and find different groups to find the support you need. There were other women who told their stories, asked questions and offered support. Diane said she became friends with many of these women, exchanged emails and stayed in contact with them through the years.
It was because of Diane that I learned about the BBC. Once I was brave enough to go on-line with the website, I was lucky enough to find a network of caring, loving, supportive women. I met a remarkable group of ladies who have helped me immensely through my journey with infertility, divorce and rebuilding of my life. And Diane has been that same support IRL, which takes on a powerful connection of its own. However, I have since met many of the ladies from the BBC in real life, too. There will always be something special about the relationships that I have with the BBC ladies, but there is also this shift that makes it that much more real when I've met them in person. And so I hope that one day all of the BBC ladies can meet each other. :)
But my story does not end here.
Diane continues to be a source of inspiration, strength and true friendship.
I'll tell more in the second part...
When I moved to Pittsburgh the second time, there were some strange coincidences of shared commonalities between me and A~ and another couple that was moving into the neighborhood a few houses down the street. We built similar style homes and moved within a month of each other. The guys were both starting work at the same hospital, in the same department and with the same position. Diane and I shared backgrounds in teaching elementary school.
We started to hang out and got along pretty well. I really enjoyed Diane and G~'s sense of humor, genuine spirit and warmth that adds to the sense of community in a neighborhood. Diane and I would trade tips on yard work and house projects and quickly became the go-to people if others had questions about new house things. When you build a new home, there are "fun" things like inspections to get the builders to come fix the stuff they forgot to do the first time. Diane and I were both meticulously organized and masterful in accumulating resources and lists of numbers of helpful people to call to get our requests done correctly and promptly.
Then as the neighborhood became more established, it was time to elect a board for the home owner's association. It seemed like the general consensus around the neighborhood was to be chill and let everyone just enjoy having their new home and yard and do what they liked with them. So to help keep it that way, Diane ran to be elected to the board and I was asked to be on the architectual control committee. Our platform was to be as anti-HOA as possible...in that if you have to go through the process of getting something approved, our answer was yes. Sometimes it was difficult to stay within the rules, but we helped home owners find the holes and exeptions to get their requests approved while following the set by-laws and guidelines. Diane and I even distributed a survey about the rules around fences, which was a hot debate. It turned out most people wanted there to be fewer restrictions. So, we wrote up an addendum and sent out ballots for a vote. When there were not enough votes to represent a majority (one way or the other on the issue), we went door to door to get the rest of the ballots. In the end, the fence by-law was changed to reach a compromise. Woohoo! Local politics and do-gooders at its finest!
The point is that Diane and I bonded. We talked shop about teacher stuff, shared stories and watched Pens games. We consulted each other about the latest and greatest at Lowes, Home Depot and Target. We went for walks and chatted with neighbors. As we are both people who tend to stay up late, we could see the lights on in each other's houses and would send emails back and forth. And there was my garage door...there were times that I would get a call from Diane telling me that my garage door was open around ten or eleven at night. Or I would be at the store and forget if I closed the garage door on my way out, and I would call Diane to check. From her home office with a laugh, "Yep, Jamie. You're good." I never had a garage door opener and for some reason it would just slip my mind!
Then in the spring, A~ and G~ had a conference in Las Vegas. Diane and I joined them and turned it into a bit of a vacation. It was a great time to get away to get a dose of warm weather, sunshine and pool time. Good food, fun and time to relax...time to get away...to escape the dark side of what I had been silently carrying with me for over a year.
One day in the middle of lunch with just the two of us, Diane stopped. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but Diane brought up the topic of children. I forget if she asked me or if she disclosed first. But as it turned out, G~ and Diane had been trying to conceive for years with no success. She asked me if A~ and I had been trying and if we were having similar difficulty. Tears filled my eyes, both in great sadness and relief. I was sad for myself in facing the harsh, stark truth of not being able to conceive a child so out in the open. I felt so vulnerable and ashamed. But I felt even more sad for Diane because what I had experienced was no where near the emotional pain that she and G~ had already been through. I felt relief on a certain level in that the truth was finally out, and that I was not alone. Suddenly, I felt like I could breathe again.
Before this very moment, it was a silent pain that only A~ and I knew. We told no one. We didn't tell our parents, our family or our closest friends. To the exponentially, increasingly asked question, "When are you going to have kids?," our response was an avoidant, steeped in an awkwardly masked sadness, "Someday."
Diane's disclosure of her history of infertility was honorable, sensitive and kind. She said that it seemed that when you have experienced it, it is like you develop a kind of radar for it. It is not something that is openly talked about, but somehow you know. Diane and I talked at length that day, both in her sharing her story and me sharing mine. Diane told me about Babycenter.com, or the BBC, with its on-line community of women who are mothers, who will be mothers or who are trying to be mothers. She told me how you can go on the board and find different groups to find the support you need. There were other women who told their stories, asked questions and offered support. Diane said she became friends with many of these women, exchanged emails and stayed in contact with them through the years.
It was because of Diane that I learned about the BBC. Once I was brave enough to go on-line with the website, I was lucky enough to find a network of caring, loving, supportive women. I met a remarkable group of ladies who have helped me immensely through my journey with infertility, divorce and rebuilding of my life. And Diane has been that same support IRL, which takes on a powerful connection of its own. However, I have since met many of the ladies from the BBC in real life, too. There will always be something special about the relationships that I have with the BBC ladies, but there is also this shift that makes it that much more real when I've met them in person. And so I hope that one day all of the BBC ladies can meet each other. :)
But my story does not end here.
Diane continues to be a source of inspiration, strength and true friendship.
I'll tell more in the second part...
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