Feeling Something in the Air

March is a difficult month for me. I wrote about it last year in my post, March Madness. Even though I feel like I have done a lot to process those events and feelings, there is still a trace that is felt now. I have found myself to be quite emotional for the past few weeks. There are times when I can barely hold back the tears that seem to come from somewhere deep within me--a great and overwhelming sadness. When I stepped outside on Friday, there was something in the air, the wind and the sunshine that took me to that place again in a snap. But the sadness that I felt was somehow different. It was like in layers, some distant and some newly surfacing. The welled up feelings seemed to suddenly fall into place and crystallize in one moment, in one breath. As I am moving beyond my past relationship and my past life, it is the loss of motherhood that haunts me.

A few weeks ago, I was volunteering at the hospital and visiting with children who needed a little extra company. As I reached into the crib to pick up the infant, the blanket slipped a bit and I saw the stripped print of his sleeper. He was wearing the same sleeper that I had purchased for the babies I had once hoped to adopt with my ex. The same sleeper that still sits in a drawer in one of my nightstands.

Of course I was sad and I gave pause in that moment. But I also tried to push aside my feelings so that I wouldn't completely fall apart while sitting in the hospital with this child. I rocked him and sang songs to him.

After I left, I wondered what my baby would have looked like, would have felt like in that sleeper. And then I realized that if my ex and I had been able to adopt those twins from Utah, they would have turned two-years-old this month. I could be the mother of two-year-old twins right now. What would we have already experienced together? What moments would I have treasured? What would we be doing right now? I pictured taking them outside and going to a park, going to the grocery store or holding their little hands. And it all just makes me so sad. The chance of motherhood seeming to have slipped past me.

And has it really been two years? That feels so long and far away. And then I feel like it is pitiful that I still have the sleepers. I have felt ready to pass them along for a while, or at least that is what I have told myself. I no longer feel like giving them away means giving away the dream of motherhood, either, which is good. I just haven't found a place that seems good enough to give away something so significant to me. I can't tell you how many times I have driven past the Good Will store or shook my head as I passed a donation drop off box. But, my most recent thoughts on the sleepers have been to maybe donate them to the hospital. I don't know, maybe.

It is time. I have held onto the sleepers for too long and I don't want to feel like they are holding me back. Before I do, I think I will write a letter. I need to have my good-bye and I think it will be good to write about what they had meant to me.

Double the Fun!

Just for sh*ts 'n giggles I feel like I should enlighten anyone who comes across my blog. Given than I am both Finnish and Irish (and German and Slovak) , I have two special days! And I feel pretty special to have them both.

March 16th -- St. Urho's Day

March 17th -- St. Patrick's Day

If you are wondering what the heck is up with St. Urho's Day, see the link above. I have a friend who likes to give me crap that St. Urho's ledgend is a rip off of St. Patrick's story. But then again, Finns get to celebrate first and I get to celebrate twice!

Not Quite There Yet

As of late, my mind has been wondering about my future. I think I might be getting a little ahead of myself in my worries about where I want to focus my job search once I graduate. I feel this pressure like I need to decide where I want to settle and make roots. But I am realizing that I think it is more important to have grounding in myself and to take my roots with me in where ever that might be. I want my life to be open to the possibility of having a family with someone I love. My heart aches to be a mother. But I know that is not on the map for me at this point in my life. I feel I need to first get my career in order and to establish a self-sustaining independence. And I don't want to just find anyone in order to just have a family. I need to remind myself that I want a loving and respectful partner to share in the adventure of life.

I am scared about the possibility of moving away from RJ when I am done with my studies. I wonder if RJ thinks about me as being part of his future? I wonder if he feels pressure in the direction of our relationship? I know I am feeling pressure and I feel like it is affecting my ability to be genuine and present when I am with RJ sometimes. Other times I feel like we are just in the flow, like the night that we spontaneously worked on a puzzle quiz together. I find myself questioning the fit of our relationship and if the out of sync feeling is a result of me being a graduate student and going to Columbus or if it is us. I feel like there is some distancing. Is this because RJ's feelings have changed for me? Or is it in my head and I could actually be the one who is giving him mixed messages and distancing myself from him? Then the layer of feeling sad about motherhood complicates things for me and I have to separate that from my relationship with RJ at the moment.

I talked to my therapist about my sadness surrounding not being a mother. He said it takes some getting used to not being married and time to let go of some of the things that may come with marriage. I am experiencing grief. And it has recently been brought on because I am having difficulty with the fact that three of my closest friends from growing up are all pregnant. One is a first time mother-to-be and one is expecting her second and one is expecting her third. I am being lapped on multiple levels and I don't want to feel ugly about it. I feel guilty about how to be there for them without feeling hurt.

Then I was babysitting for some friends of mine this week. It was such a sweet day with their two kids and I loved every moment. It wasn't until later that evening that I felt the bittersweet sadness. I realized the meaning of that twinge earlier in the afternoon as I was buckling one of the kids into his car seat. All of what I did with the kids was so simple, but I loved it and it felt so natural. We colored pictures, watched the mail truck drop off the mail, and took the dog outside. Our time outside with the dog could be an entire post because of all of life and silliness in it. Their favorite part of the day was helping to clean up poop. The snow finally melted and the yard needed some extra cleaning up. And because the house sits on a hill, the poop gets flung into the wooded valley. Leave it to my teacher ways to even use the experience in a teachable moment about what it means to stand down wind as one of the kids said how stinky it was to stand to the right of me with the shovel. And even with the sadness, I am still thankful to have had that experience.

My mind knows that I am not in a position to be a mother right now--financially or relationally. I know I am young and it is still a possibility. But it is my heart that feels so sad. I just want others to hear that and accept that--period. I want acknowledgement, not a solution or pep talk. And I need to remind myself to be patient and to do one thing at a time. I need to refocus on the now. I am a graduate student and a single woman in a dating relationship. And I do and I don't want to talk to RJ. I don't want to hold back in a way that would be detrimental to the relationship and I don't want us to talk all of the time. I think I am just going to have to go with the moment and see how it unfolds.

Columbus Bound

So it has been a little busy for me since my last post. And I kind of wanted to wait to share once everything was really in place and confirmed. But, yep--I'm going to Columbus for the summer! I feel really good about the program because they were really excited about me and I felt really excited about them, too.

Pittsburgh did make an offer and I felt honored. Before finalizing my choice, I talked to one more person on the staff. My main concern with passing up the internship in Pittsburgh would maybe hurt my chances of getting a job in their hospital once I have graduated. It made me feel better about my decision to go to Columbus because they understood the benefits of going to another hospital in developing my career. And it can help me in looking for a job in Pittsburgh when I am done because I will have something to bring back with some fresh ideas. It is a risk, but one worth taking.

On a personal note, it is important to me to go to Columbus because I want to be able to open up as many opportunities for myself once I am done with my graduate studies. About two years ago, when I really started my journey with pursuing my master's, I had no intention of staying in Pittsburgh. I wanted to tie up the loose ends of my divorce, get my degree and get out of this town. I lost half of my life with the divorce--half of the people I considered to be family-- grounding in familiar places with what had once been happy memories--my home--my hopes and dreams--my identity. Granted I had a few friends, but they are married and you can only be some one's third wheel for so long.

Then as I started going back to school, I decided I needed to put myself out there. I needed to be around people and I needed to be active and to feel alive again. Instead of waiting to finish my degree to restart my life, I chose to live in the moment right then and there. I felt free and wanted to make every moment count. It was scary, but also thrilling. And so I got to experience a whole different side of Pittsburgh. It was like I rediscovered the city and made it new all over again, just for me.

I am more involved and more connected. I have been able to share in the happy moments of rebuilding my life with my old friends and I have made new friends. I am thankful for these friendship because of the support I have felt from all of these very special people who have come into my life. And one of those special people is RJ.

But I want my decision to stay in Pittsburgh to be just that--my decision. By going to Columbus it will let me take a step outside of Pittsburgh and to experience another city. I will be able to test out how it might feel to move somewhere else and to start anew. It will give me a better perspective on how I really feel about Pittsburgh. I don't want to stay because I don't feel like moving my crap or because it is easy. I don't want to feel any regret or resentment about staying in Pittsburgh. It can't just be about a guy or because this is where I got stuck as a result of my divorce.

I hope that all will work out in the end. I am feeling a lot of pressure like I have to make a choice and that somehow it feels permanent. But I think I need to allow myself to be more fluid. And when I do get my first job after I graduate, that I should remember that this doesn't have to be the job I stay at for the rest of my life. If it doesn't work out, I can always change. I just have so many dreams I wish to happen and I am afraid of loosing more time.

The Interviews Are Done

I have to keep reminding myself to take a few deep breaths. I just finished last interview for a Child Life internship on Friday (Although, one last program could still call, but I'm doubtful at this point.). Now is the waiting game to see who makes an offer. It is down to four programs and if I thought the interviews were stressful, the waiting is worse.

I think this has been worsened by my last interview. My last interview was very intimidating with seven people sitting at a table and asking me questions. I feel that I answered their questions well and seemed to get a lot of smiles and head nods. But then as the interview was wrapping up they said that they would be making their decision on Monday and calling me. I feel like that can be interpreted in one of two ways. One, they already know the two candidates they want and I am not one of them. Or two, they know one and were waiting for my interview (the last one) to see if I was what they were really hoping to see.

I could throw up. I am afraid to pick up my phone tomorrow.

Then I should be hearing back from one of the other programs early this week. And the other two programs said they would get in touch with me around the 22nd of February. But if any other program called to make an offer, to let them know right away.

So far I have handled some of the rejection letters and emails well. I applied to 12 programs and can't expect all of them to be making offers. But now that all of the interviews are done and it is out of my control, it is really scary. It is down to four and I am trying to remain positive, but trying not to set myself up for disappointment.

To add to this stress is that I have a high likilyhood of being away from Pittsburgh for about three months or so. This both excites me and worries me, and I have been trying very hard to push those feelings aside until the reality unfolds itself. I know RJ really wants me to stay in town, but he has also expressed that he will support me in whatever happens. The good thing in all of this is that he works from home and that maybe if I end up out of town, he will be able to have more flexibility to come and visit me. But the bottom line is that I have to make my decision as to what will be best for me and my career.

Please send me some good vibes or prayers or any positive energy my way!

Re-Learning Curve

Since RJ got back into town, it has been great to spend some quality time with him. And I am going to stress the quality part, over quantity. I think that is important and goes along with the need for healthy space to cultivate a relationship. It might seem like common sense, but this is part of a re-learning curve for me.

I feel there are some unhealthy habits I am learning to undo from my past relationship with my ex. It is something I am becoming aware of because now I am in a more serious relationship. I am not sure how well I would be able to feel them or notice them without being in a relationship. Yep, I've got baggage (not like I didn't know that), and it is my task to sort it out. This relearning how to be in relationship is a healthy thing.

For example, one reason why I think my struggle with quality over quantity in a relationship is based in part on how time was so restricted and planned with my ex. Residency is brutal on a relationship. I found myself planning my life around his demanding work schedule so I could maximize my time with him, especially given how little time there was. It could be difficult not to do that when I knew that one dinner might be my last with him before heading into a month long stretch when I would not see him because of his schedule. For more than half of our marriage, there would be three months each year that I would literally not see him, barely a phone call. Then after one of those months of not seeing my ex, we found ourselves trying to overcompensate to reconnect. It was just so intense. There were times when I did not give into that pattern and chose to continue living my life, which would sometimes lead to conflict.

Then once the pattern was set into motion, it was difficult to break after residency. He just came to expect it. And the more I gave, the more he demanded. I was loosing myself and didn't see it. Then the infertility hit and everything began to become unglued and messy at warp speed. It all went so badly so fast. I was confused, depressed and hurt.

There were other unhealthy factors that contributed to the mess with my ex. But I don't feel like getting into that right now. What is important is to realize that my life does not have to be and should not be like that with RJ. Sometimes I think, "Oh, that is okay? This what it can be like?" My relationship with RJ is different and that is a very good thing.

We haven't "talked" directly about the stuff we talked about before his trip, but I don't feel that is needed right now. I did get to express how I don't want him to feel like I am relying on him and that I am my own individual person. So for now, live it one day at a time and see where it goes!

On the Eve of My First Interview

Tomorrow is my first interview for my summer internship for my master's program. It will be a phone interview, hopefully followed with one that will be in person in a few weeks. I have a phone interview with another hospital on Thursday (for an awesome location--the pipe dream was actually the first to call me to set up an interview). I hope I do well with my interviews and that more are to follow. By the end of February, I should know where I will be for the summer. I am not sure where that will be, as I have yet to get through a round of interviews and then hope for some offers.

But still, it has me thinking. There are times when I get excited about the possibility of doing my internship in a new city. And then there are times that I hope to get an offer from a sensible and strong program that will best align me for a great job when I am done with my studies. And where will that job be? I don't know. That feels like a long ways off, but I am not ready to make a decision just yet. And right now, I don't. A lot can happen between now and when I plan to graduate in December.

I am trying very hard not to get ahead of myself and to stay focused on living in the present. I have to pay attention to the now, remember to breathe and go with the flow. And when I talk about going with the flow, I don't mean that mindless, waiting for life to happen. I'm talking about not fighting what is not in my control right now and seeing how life unfolds before I need to take action. I do believe that things happen for a reason, but I also feel that we have some influence on the direction our lives take. It is a matter of knowing the timing--when to push and when to pull back.

And trust me, RJ is in the mix of my thoughts. I get lost in the daydreams of all of the possibilities. Do I pursue satisfaction and purpose in my career or follow the lure of love and relationship? I could end up with both. A lot can happen and time will tell.

Little Thoughts

I know that I was feeling a little sorry for myself over the weekend of Christmas. But I think I just needed to get it out of my system. I have felt the shift of my focus returning to the present and that is on school and ultimately my career. The important part is realizing my feelings and accepting them so that I can get back to the business of life--and enjoying it!

I had fun exploring the exercise facilities on campus with my friend, Karina. We also had a really nice dinner and lots of girl-talk. It helped me to feel energized. And that is exactly what I needed, a reminder of the confidence in myself that I have been building. And I need to remind myself to be appreciative of what I do have in my life right now.

I Can't Help It!

RJ suggested we have a staring contest last night. It was a brief, but silly episode and it had us in a fit of laughter. It felt so good to laugh so hard. I loved every moment of it. And I hope there are more spontaneous, off the wall moments just like that. :)

Reflections on the Last of 2010 & Gearing Up for 2011

I kind of laugh to myself when I see that the last time that I posted was the first day of December. December was a busy month for me. And while it seemed like a long month, the time also feels like it just somehow slipped away.

My main focus has been finishing up the fall semester. Going to grad school full-time certainly keeps me busy! I had a bunch of papers and projects due at the end while also juggling a trip to Mexico with some friends. The trip was a bit of impulse, but I am glad that I was able to grab a bit of sunshine and to get away from the coldest days yet this winter with temperatures in the negatives. It was really nice to spend some time with my friends and just be silly. We went snorkeling, made friendship bracelets and sat around in a lukewarm tub talking and giggling.

Christmas was okay. That really does sum it up. In one of my classes, the discussion of death came up. It was said that sometimes the second year can be the hardest for families. And I think that can be related to divorce, as it is often compared to a death. For me, I wouldn't necessarily say that this Christmas was worse because it wasn't, but it was still tough. Last year was just so painful and miserable, but there was a certain amount of numbness to it. This year was hard because I think I am just more aware. It wasn't a soulful pain, but more of a lingering disappointment and frustrated kind of pain. It was more of that feeling of failure--the failure of my marriage and where I had hoped I would be in my life right now. And there is no escaping it, just waiting for more time to pass to make it less difficult. And while I know that my life is in a better place right now than it has been in a long time, I can't help but feel like a failure as a person sometimes.

As I stood in the gift shop on my trip in Mexico, I happened to see some Christmas ornaments. I used to find so much joy in searching and picking out an ornament from my travels. But all I felt was sadness. It reminded me of all the places I went with my ex and feeling like so much has been tainted. I didn't put up a tree this year. Part of me feels like blindly donating all of my Christmas stuff and just starting over. But then part of me thinks that maybe I would want to hold onto a few things--a few things that hold good memories for me that are not so connected to my ex. What I will probably do is go through the boxes and pare it down. And I think it was good that I did not try to do it during Christmastime.

I did send a short list of Christmas cards this year (on the 23rd). Baby steps, right?

Spending time with family was bittersweet. Christmas Day is usually spent with my dad's side of the family, but that fell apart this year over some family politics. It is sad to see the distance in my dad's side of the family. While there are close relationships among the family, there really isn't a solid cohesion with the family as a whole. It is a big family with a lot of history and sometimes I wish people could set aside differences and just be.

Christmas Eve is spent with my mom's side of the family. I love my cousins and watching the pride they have in being parents is something special. K and O were a delight to watch as they opened their presents. My brother's girlfriend said it best, watching as O was eating her candy cane, "I think that was just the most delicious bite of candy cane that I have ever seen!" And I got to hold two babies--so tiny and cute. The part that was surprisingly difficult was watching as my dad scooped up Little J who is one month old and my mom cooing over Baby K who is such a happy sweetheart. While I am thankful that my parents get to have a kind of grandparent experience, I am sad that I could not be the one to give that to them. And then I feel selfishly self-centered for even thinking it.

I was heartbroken and sad when I was going through IF, but now I have feelings of frustration in starting over and kind of feeling like certain parts of my life are on hold. It was the first time that I felt like the biological clock was ticking--which I have been trying very much to quell. I don't want to spend my time wishing for babies or to just end of up with some guy just to be married. I don't want to take for granted the wonderful opportunities and people in my life right now.

For example, I don't just want to rush through my grad school experience just to get it done. I need to remember to take it in and to make the most of it while I am in it. There is no sense in wishing away time, even if I really would like to be more settled in my life and have a professional job.

And I want to enjoy my relationship with RJ and to be present with him, not trying to force it to be something it is not. Things have been very good for us. I loved the Christmas presents he got for me--a card with a wonderful note and drawing supplies. About a month ago, I showed RJ some of my drawings from the classes I took in Atlanta. He showed a real interest and appreciation for my drawings. So, his gift felt really special. We also had a fun New Years Eve having dinner in with some of my friends. And I really like that RJ spends time with me and my friends and that I get to spend time with him and some of his friends. There is a balance there that I can really appreciate.

2010 was a good year and I hope that 2011 is even better! Wow, how so much can change in just a year. My life is in a place I would not have imagined at this time last year. I really didn't know what to think as everything just seemed so new again. Usually when I figure out that things are going well, that is the time that I start to over analyze and worry. No, not this time. So, I think my mantra for the beginning part of the year will be: Relax and breathe. Go with the flow and what will be, will be. Trust you will know what you need to do, when you know it.

Now I need to get cracking on the last bit of work with my summer internship applications. Those are due January 5th (i.e. back into the hole from which I came). Wish me luck and I hope I get some good interviews with some good results!!!

Wishing everyone a wonderful 2011 and may it bring you wonder and delight!