Lack in (Visible) Posts

I remember reading a few times in some of the blogs I follow when the writer shared they were hesitant to post something because they realized that there were somethings they didn't want to share with everyone who may be reading their blog. I have come to that bump. So while I have been writing a lot, I just have not been making the posts public. It is out of respect for privacy.

Second, I have also debated on whether or not I wanted to blog about some of my internship experiences. I mean, I wouldn't blog about things that would clearly fall under HIPPA regulations. I've just had a lot to digest in my own journey in working towards becoming a Child Life Specialist. Work stuff is also a sensitive area that I would rather not get into in the blogging world. But it is what has been filling my days and my mind lately, as it should. I have been learning a lot and I am thankful for this opportunity at the hospital. I still fully agree with my decision to come to Columbus for my internship as there have been so many benefits--professionally and personally--even it is not always easy. But then again, it seems that when you are having a growing experience, there are challenges to face and to work through to get to your ultimate goal. But in the end, it will be worth it.

And as the end is coming near with just three weeks left, I hope to build the confidence I need to finish strong. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers--especially when it feels like so much is on the line. I've taken a big risk in going back to school full-time and taking my career in a different direction away from teaching. There are days when I wonder if I have made the right choice. Then there are days that I feel on top of the world with the excitement of feeling like this is what I was really meant to be doing and that everything else was leading me into this place.

I hope there will be a job for me at the end of this journey in the place that I dream. However, sometimes I am afraid to just come out and say it because I am afraid of getting my hopes up or having too many expectations. After loosing so much of my life once before, it can be really difficult to fully get lost in dreaming again. Having been in a place where everything had been so carefully planned only to have it smashed over and over and over again from so many angles and directions, I have a hard time trusting that things will really work out for me. I so want to believe that I will not only find my happy--or really, make my happy--but that I will also get to fully enjoy, savor, and live that happy.

I Was Doing It Again...

When someone was asking me about RJ and I had finished, they said, "You always smile when you talk about him!"

Then I must have smiled even more because I didn't even realize I was smiling so. It made my heart sing!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Angry Tears

This summer I came to the conclusion that sometimes when I cry, they are angry tears. Angry tears come out of frustration and are not to be confused with sadness or lack of control. It is a release for me.

But I also get frustrated when I start to cry and I don't want to cry at that moment. And it just gets worse and worse the more I try to stop. It can feel like my insides are completely coming apart and melting down. It becomes difficult to breathe and I just want to run or escape as quickly as possible. I want to hide away from the world.

I hate how when I cry I feel like others see me as weak, oversensitive, or incompetent. I just become overwhelmed by emotion and feel things so intensely. It makes me upset because I so want to please and do not want to be judged by others. I am at a loss of how to make the tears stop. Sometimes the world feels so very heavy.

Bad News

Why is it that with really bad news that I am always really caught off guard? I just found it so silly when my dad called me this morning and just said he was on his way to come and visit. Yesterday Mom said he would call and just see if I was still up for it. But I was eager for him to come, even though I really wanted them both to be here. I was hoping to set up a time for them both to come as I have been feeling a little frustrated that Mom seems to be working so much lately. But now I know.

When Dad first told me about it, I was in shock. Breast cancer was the farthest thing from my mind, especially given all of her other health problems. My first thought was, "Please, God, don't let my mom die."

Dad says it is very treatable and that the doctors consider it to be more like living with a chronic illness. They said it is important to remain positive. I just don't know how to do that right now. I dread my mom having to undergo possible surgery, chemo and radiation. I don't want her to suffer or to be in pain and it is inevitable.

It's not fair. Mom is supposed to do her clinicals this year to get her LPN degree. That looks like it is going to be completely off the table, whether Mom wants to accept that right now or not. She and Dad have seemed to have a stronger and healthier relationship than they have in years. This is going to add a lot of stress on them and their relationship. It makes me feel so very sad and scared. I don't know what to do to help. I don't want my mom to die. I want to be stubborn and not think that that will happen. But I also don't want to see her loose a breast or her hair. She shouldn't have to go through that. And it sucks because it may have been prompted to come about faster because of the Embrel--a drug that had brought her so much relief from her psoriasis. I don't want that to get all out of control now either. It just really, really sucks.

And then there is that selfish part of me--the part that thinks about myself. This is not a good time for me with all that is going on in my life. It is all just another thing that is sucking away my focus on what I need to be doing. I am angry because I want to be there to support my mom, while I am freaked out about how I am going to be able to manage it all.

I wonder what other crappy thing is out there waiting for me with that superstitious everything comes in three's. I found out my ex got remarried, my mom has cancer, and I don't want to stomach what will be next. When and where is that moment of peace? I think that is why I miss last summer so much. And there was another piece of it somewhere around the first of December.

Lessons From My Roots

I never fully realized my family was lower-middle class until I was a junior in college. I mean, there were clues in high school, but I didn't really take too much stock in it being from a small town.

This blog post, "The Mental Burden of a Lower Class Background," brought me back to that realization.

I didn't think of my family as rich, but certainly not borderline poor. I always felt lucky and that it was a privilege that my mom stayed home. I was proud that my dad had his own business for awhile, understood his reasons for selling it and getting a job with the city. There was good food on the table, presents at Christmas and birthdays, and our family usually took a summer vaction trip somewhere with plenty of memories of taking it on the road. Looking back I can better appreciate how creative my parents were in their budgeting to provide life enriching experiences for us--visiting museums, state parks, and zoos--experiences in the city and out in the country--and trips to the ocean and up to the woods of Northern Michigan. You can have a good and happy life without having a whole lot of money. There can be an artful balance of living simply and fully by focusing on what matters most and living in the presence of today.

And my mind continues to dance in the dream of having a house...something simple and cozy and allowing me the freedom to explore the world around me. Sometimes there can be an appreciation of having less so it can let you live life larger in other ways.