The undercurrent of feeling sadness, weakness and grief sit below the surface. I've been thinking it has been coming. Kind of like in March, I thought I could get past it and it not sneak up on me. But, nope. I figured it was coming when I started making phone calls to family and friends. I wonder if they remember or if they have forgotten.
It was in August when I married him. It was in August when we returned to Pittsburgh to move into our dream house. It was a year later in August when he had surgery and we found out that he could not have children. And he was already cheating on me without me knowing it yet. I believed his lies.
I know I get emotionally clingy this time of year. I don't like to be alone and try to fill my time with lots of people. I have a new, lovely apartment and I did not want to spend the night in it alone. Tomorrow I probably will. I need to remind myself to be comfortable with being just by myself. I need to renew. I need to find my center and my own grounding. I cannot get it from others.
I want to talk to T~ about it. But something tells me I should keep it to myself. Maybe I'll share I've just been feeling sad and that just happens sometimes, but I don't want to talk about it. I know I'm feeling insecure and want to be careful not to project it onto him.
I wonder if others feel these swirling emotions around the time of an old anniversary? Am I holding on too much? When will I be over the hurt?
Today I cried as I considered tossing away my cats' vet tags. I had duplicates, so it would not have been like all of them. But I couldn't. I just cried. I looked at the years and thought about them...where I was and what had been my life. I cried some more and I felt so badly. My heart hurt because I feel like I abandoned my cats. I kept repeating, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The tears dripped down my cheeks. And I was thankful as I remembered Chris's words that sometimes it is being less selfish and more responsible to let them go...to find them a good home when the stress would be too great to keep caring for them as I focused on putting my life back together again.
And I stood in my apartment feeling very alone...in a place of new beginnings alone. I am still alone.
I have a boyfriend. But, he is a boyfriend. Keep expectations in check, but be grateful for what I share with him. Allow the space for us to grow. Look for his lead, like wanting to spend Christmas together and maybe Thanksgiving.
UPDATE: After chatting with Julie, I am glad to have the girl time to reflect and recharge. From our our conversation, I came to a few conclusions. My past wedding anniversary is still sad for me. I wonder if this is normal? Am I holding on too much or being honest with my feelings? But, I am making progress. It kind of came up on me without a ton of thought. But, it is the after ripples that concerned me. Why do I still feel sad?
I think part of it is that I'm moving and it brings reflection. He is married and I am not. And going through old stuff brings sadness. But, I have done better with letting go and donating items.
It seems better to look at the positives. I have a good job and I'm taking care of myself. The hurt is less. Giving things away is easier and I'm letting go of more. I'm making space for new in my life. Even if I am single, I do have a wonderful boyfriend. Like how Julie expressed, sometimes it seems it would be nice to have it all wrapped up and know how it ends. But, that is not really living and I am doing better at living in the moment.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
Mountian Lions, Tigers and Bears
Well, maybe not Tigers, unless you count that T~ is from Michigan near Detroit and kind of follows them with baseball.
Sometimes there are moments that are intimate and to be shared between two people and those two people alone. Other times there are moments of clarity that point to something more important, something validating and too fantastic not to share. And I do not want to forget this moment.
When I went to visit California in June, I asked T~ if he would like to join me. He was excited about the opportunity to adventure with me to the west coast to northern California. It was a fantastic trip with visiting family and friends, enjoying the peace of the pristine wilderness and getting to visit the Redwoods.
One evening, I wanted to go and look at the stars away from the campground along the lake. It would really be a great place to see the vast sky without the noise of light or tops of trees. My aunts warned it was not the best idea to venture away from the campground at night at this time of year because there were not enough campers with their noise to chase away the bear and mountain lions. But, it was just too tempting not to try to take a little stroll.
As T~ and I were walking and talking along the road down to the marina, we heard a rustling sound in the dark brush along the side of the path. We both stopped, looked at each other and confirmed that we both heard the same noise. I cannot remember who suggested that we should leave, but we were in agreement and quickly pivoted in the other direction. It was a blur, gut reaction kind of moment where we grabbed each other and ran like mad together.
My first thoughts were run, run, run...fast, fast, fast.
Then I thought, oh, hope this is not the way I am going to die. I do not want to be that person who was warned not to go into the woods at night with the woodland animals with their sharp teeth and sharp claws. I just wanted to look at the stars!
Then as we were still clinging to each other and clumsily running, my heart wanted to melt and I fell in love with T~ all over again. In a moment of perceived danger, his first instinct was to grab me and run, and mine was to grab him and run. It was selfless and wonderful and I couldn't help but smile, even if there was the possibility that it would be the end.
At that point T~ and I started to slow and broke the space between us as we continued to jog while holding hands. We looked back down the road and when we didn't see anything, we slowed again to a fast walk as we approached the campground. We laughed and hugged and were glad that we made it back safely.
I told T~ I was so touched by his actions and how he handled the situation. I didn't feel silly for being afraid that it could have been something more lurking the dark. I commented that if it had been a bear, it probably would have been faster. And if it had been a mountain lion, we probably would not have even heard it coming. He joked that he was afraid that since I am a more experienced runner that if he had not held onto me that I would have out paced him and he would have been eaten by the wild animal. But in seriousness, he wanted me to be safe, for us to be safe. It meant a lot to me.
Sometimes there are moments that are intimate and to be shared between two people and those two people alone. Other times there are moments of clarity that point to something more important, something validating and too fantastic not to share. And I do not want to forget this moment.
When I went to visit California in June, I asked T~ if he would like to join me. He was excited about the opportunity to adventure with me to the west coast to northern California. It was a fantastic trip with visiting family and friends, enjoying the peace of the pristine wilderness and getting to visit the Redwoods.
One evening, I wanted to go and look at the stars away from the campground along the lake. It would really be a great place to see the vast sky without the noise of light or tops of trees. My aunts warned it was not the best idea to venture away from the campground at night at this time of year because there were not enough campers with their noise to chase away the bear and mountain lions. But, it was just too tempting not to try to take a little stroll.
As T~ and I were walking and talking along the road down to the marina, we heard a rustling sound in the dark brush along the side of the path. We both stopped, looked at each other and confirmed that we both heard the same noise. I cannot remember who suggested that we should leave, but we were in agreement and quickly pivoted in the other direction. It was a blur, gut reaction kind of moment where we grabbed each other and ran like mad together.
My first thoughts were run, run, run...fast, fast, fast.
Then I thought, oh, hope this is not the way I am going to die. I do not want to be that person who was warned not to go into the woods at night with the woodland animals with their sharp teeth and sharp claws. I just wanted to look at the stars!
Then as we were still clinging to each other and clumsily running, my heart wanted to melt and I fell in love with T~ all over again. In a moment of perceived danger, his first instinct was to grab me and run, and mine was to grab him and run. It was selfless and wonderful and I couldn't help but smile, even if there was the possibility that it would be the end.
At that point T~ and I started to slow and broke the space between us as we continued to jog while holding hands. We looked back down the road and when we didn't see anything, we slowed again to a fast walk as we approached the campground. We laughed and hugged and were glad that we made it back safely.
I told T~ I was so touched by his actions and how he handled the situation. I didn't feel silly for being afraid that it could have been something more lurking the dark. I commented that if it had been a bear, it probably would have been faster. And if it had been a mountain lion, we probably would not have even heard it coming. He joked that he was afraid that since I am a more experienced runner that if he had not held onto me that I would have out paced him and he would have been eaten by the wild animal. But in seriousness, he wanted me to be safe, for us to be safe. It meant a lot to me.
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