Bump Envy

It's Thanksgiving this week, my favorite holiday of the year.  For me it is good food and spending time with family.  It is a time to be reflective and acknowledge blessings.  The focus for me is on the positive without all of the fuss of presents and gifts that come with other holidays.  It is about being present with those that you love.

Thanksgiving time tends to raise my spirits, warm my soul and feel lighter, almost carefree but with a mindfulness of the good in my life.

Strangely and recently, a slew of ladies at work have shared that they are expecting a child.  There are baby bumps everywhere.  I don't think I have seen this many all at once since first dealing with infertility.  However, this time it is different.  It doesn't sting or hurt like it did.  Maybe it is because I'm getting married soon and I've got wedding on my brain.  Maybe it is because this is the closest I've been in a long time to be somewhat near a place in my life that I may entertain the idea of having a child.  Maybe it is because there is some sliver of hope that I may one day be a mom.

It has been a very long time since I have felt happy in a daydream of maybe one day being pregnant or having a child.  It has been about ten years since the last time I first seriously started thinking about building a family.  It has been a really long time.

I'm choosing to dance in the dream of motherhood, even if just for a spell.  Because isn't it wonderful to catch yourself in a dream once in awhile?  No strings attached or what if's.  Reason has no place.  It's just a dream and a song in your heart...to be free to feel...if just for that moment.

In the Details

Working on the last details of the wedding, and T~ and I are researching music.  We found the processional song to begin our ceremony as the bridesmaids walk down the aisle.  It tingles with anticipation and excitement.  Love the energy of this song!

We Baught A Zoo by Jonsi

Microblog Mondays

Houses on My Mind Again

Every now and again, I get this incredible itch to look for a house.  This yearning will well up and I will scour the internet checking out realtor websites to research homes in different neighborhoods of where I live.  This is not the first time I have felt this overwhelming desire to find a home, dreaming of settling into a life where having a family seems more tangible...or maybe more bearable without a child because less of life will feel in limbo.

Last winter, a friend, who knows about my history with IF and was pregnant at the time, said with a smile that I'm nesting.  She is hopeful that one day I will be a mom.

It is difficult to have these feelings with nothing to nest.