Friday, May 13, 2016

Elephant in the Room

Before I started my blog, I found support for IF through a Baby Center forum group.  Each of the ladies that I met there has been successful in expanding their families, which I am sincerely happy for them.  Several of the ladies have even been fortunate to have more than one child.  Overtime as families started to grow, people transitioned away from the forum.  But, many have maintained a connection through Facebook.  It brings me joy to see them happy with their children.  They glow in their love for their children and families.  You can tell from their posts that they are very grateful and do not take for granted their blessings.  Life carries on and life brings challenges, but they handle it with strength and grace.

However, with being in different places in our lives, there has grown some distance.  It is natural to happen.  It is the ebb and flow of time and where we are in life.  But, it can be very lonely being the last of the group without a child.  When the last person had their baby a few years ago, I felt very sad and even jealous and angry at times.  I didn't write about it then because I did not feel like openly having a pitty party for me.  There may have been an entry that had a sentence or two that referenced it.  I edited it out because I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings or push them away.  But, the distance continued to expand either way.  I'm sure there are many reasons.  Sometimes people just have to move on to do their healing from IF.  Priorities obviously and rightfully shift.  There is more common ground with those who are also in the life stage of raising children.

As much as I don't want it to, it hurts.  Sometimes it is more and sometimes it is less.  More often than not, it is less now, but it has taken time.  Then I wonder, when will be the day when everyone is done growing their families?  Will I still be without a child?  Has that day already come to pass?  That will not really be known for quite sometime.  It will just silently happen and only to be determined by looking back to see when it was.

At least I feel like I am in a better place of acceptance now than when I first realized I was the last of the group without child.  And I have found other blogs to read, some parenting after IF, some trying to grow their families and some that are childfree.  Always new people to meet along the way.  Just not sure which way it will be for me.

14 comments:

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  2. Your life is a journey, Jamie, with many different paths from which to choose. You make decisions every day, some big, some small, that define which way your journey will take you. But the journey never truly ends. You may end up exactly where you wanted to be, but took a longer route to get there. Or you may end up in a completely different place that you never knew existed and have no idea how you got there. Try to enjoy the ride. Look around and discover the beauty of the here and now, on your current path. A new fork in the road will be coming up sometime and you may find yourself debating, which path is better? Whichever you choose, those important to you will follow, cheering you on the whole way.

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    1. Thank you, Diane. Life is a journey and the twists and turns are all over the place. Sometimes when things seem low, something shifts and surprises me in the most wonderful way.

      Just venting a little to let it out and let it go. You are right to focus on the blessings because there are many despite my heart's desire to be a mom. There are still times when I am amazed by what do have in life and what I get to experience.

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  3. Oh, I so know what this feels like. This is why I quit going to fertility yoga, and why I feel so distanced from so many people who were in my support group but now are parents of more than one (in some cases three)... and we're still waiting. We're happy for them of course, and it's great to see people being successful, but it is such a lonely space to sit there, on the outside, wondering WHERE'S MY COHORT? WHO WILL BE NEW PARENTS WITH ME? It hurts. It's hard to put it out there because inevitably someone will take offense, but by all means vent because it hurts. I have even found it painful when my whole blogroll seemed to get pregnant and I was left behind, and then people started having successful adoptions and I felt behind again, wondering if this would ever come to pass. So I get it, I get the complicated feels, I get feeling like a bad friend but also incredibly lonely in a sea of people. Thinking of you and sending you a giant hug...finding acceptance is wonderful, but feeling left out and left behind still happens. And it hurts.

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    1. Thank you, Jess. Your question, "Who will be new parents with me?" hits home. I have thought that multiple times as my friends URL have gotten pregnant, especially when they said they were finished growing their families. Complicated feels for sure. Thanks for your acknowledgement and understanding.

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  4. So sorry you are feeling this. Everybody needs some kind of group solidarity. I hope can find that soon, even if it means increasing distance with some people that used to have solidarity with you (maybe that distance can be overcome some day). I think you are wise to read many blogs and nobody knows what their eventual life will be, and it's good to remind oneself that a decent life is always possible, whether or not one gets exactly what one wants (but I do hope you get the children you want).

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    1. The distance is already there, but I'm hoping that in time things cycle back. I've needed a little distance. Commenting was hard for me and I noticed fewer comments. It is reciprocal. But I think we show we are still there, lurking and supporting each other with likes. When I'm feeling up to it, I could take the initiative to send a private message. You never know how friendships will evolve or be picked back up. And sometimes they do fade off, which can be sad. But, that is life.

      I think that where I am now is just trying to remember to be happy with the now. And while I would like to have a child, there can be happiness without one.

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  5. I have read many different type of blogs, some with no children, some who suffered infant loss, some who gave birth and those who adopted. It really did give me insight and perspective along the way. Wherever we end up in life, it's important to realize to enjoy and appreciate whatever life hands us. And yes, it can feel awful to not be in the place you want to be. At a certain point when I thought I may not be a mother at all, I had planned to go on holiday and have a nervous breakdown, after which I knew I would recover and my life would go on, just differently than I had planned. And then our adoption went through and other challenges came up and still, my life is not what I had planned. So here's to plans changing and you changing along with them.

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    1. Even if we get what we want, it does not mean it may be how we imagined. Life has too many twists and turns and new challenges are always popping up. I like the last sentence you wrote. It really is important to be able to change along with life's changes.

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  6. Jamie, I read this some time ago on my mobile, and meant to respond when I was back at my laptop. Obviously that took longer than I intended, so I'm sorry!

    I'm sorry too that it hurts. This is inevitable, but knowing that doesn't make it suck any less. So I can understand the need to distance yourself. Or maybe, they've distanced themselves too. As you say, one day it may cycle back. I think that's a very important realisation, and has happened a little with me and a particular friendship.

    I like your attitude though about meeting new people. I think doing that, in all walks of life and following different lifestyles (ie with kids or without, amongst many), gives you a form of protection, a buffer perhaps, meaning that no matter which path you end up on, there will be a place for you, and you won't be alone.

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  7. Thank you, Mali! I appreciate you sharing your thoughts, even with a bit of delay rather than not at all. I've made my fair share of late comments, even if I've been keeping up with reading in real time. I liked what you said in the last paragraph. It helps to have variety because it adds to the richness of your life. My parents had childfree friends in addition to those with kids, so I can very much appreciate different people bring different value. To exclude limits.

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  8. Oh I have been here too! That feeling of being left behind on something you want desperately to be part of.
    i have found myself drawn to blogs by women a decade or so older than me, who don't have kids and who have fulfilled lives. I find myself turning away from young infertility blogs - it's not that I do not have empathy, but I struggle to stay connected to a blog where the first IUI works.

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    1. Thank you for stopping by my blog! Thank you for your words of understanding. I have found myself slowly finding blogs of those who have long been on the IF journey and those who are living childfree or childless. I'll probably need to update my blog list. However, it has been helpful to read these blogs while I had been in a place of not trying. It continues to be helpful while we enjoy our first year of marriage and while we are figuring out when we want to start trying to expand our family.

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  9. Realise this post is a few months old but just browsing your blog as a new reader! I wanted to say that I spent a few years viscerally feeling that horrible 'elephant in the room' sensation and it was almost unbearable - I felt like I had a big sign on my head even if an advert for nappies came on the TV when I was with people who knew about my IF... However, even though I'm surrounded by obsessed parents at work, it is a much milder version nowadays (at age 44) - more like an irritation; I'm able to turn it into white noise. Or just be bored by it. I just don't care as much any more. I feel it fading all the time: the horrible gut feeling of upset has definitely gone away. So I hope that younger people reading this will be helped by that... Love your blog.

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