Ten years ago I got married to a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life. This was the anniversary I wondered about in what we would have done and accomplished in our lives together. I looked forward to making it to ten with a house, children, satisfaction in our careers, rich with family memories, and still being madly in love. I looked forward to that milestone and thinking that we would still be pretty young and being set to enjoy the prime of our lives. Not that I wanted to skip all of the years between, but I could really envision a future with him.
I am so very sad and hurt today, on what would have been our wedding anniversary. I don't want to be with him anymore. But today just really sucks. I am angry that he cheated on me. I am angry that I am thinking about my past with him. The loss of the happy memories makes me feel sad. I feel so mixed up and I would rather just forget about today.
Part of me wants to just curl up in bed and stay there all day. Part of me wants to treat the day as any other. But ten years just seems like too much to ignore. I thought last year would be difficult and it was. But I thought this year might have been easier and it is not. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of this day haunting me. It is too big for me, I want to give up this burden and to be free.
Jamie, I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how difficult this day is for you. 10 years is a huge milestone- of course you're hurting. You've come such a long way already but it's okay to let yourself feel whatever you need to feel today. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteJamie, this is a burden you shouldn't have to carry. You were so terribly wronged and did not deserve this. You are such an amazing person and as Kerri said, you HAVE come such a long way. I can tell you are taking major steps toward healing and that takes so much courage. I really wish I could help take away this awful feeling, and erase this day, but your experiences, the good and the bad have made you who you are and I think anyone would agree with me that you are one amazing woman. Big hugs to you my dear friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kerri. I tried not to prepare myself for the anniversary and just let whatever feelings come. It is just better that way for me to live in the present and accept what I am feeling. Typing the post made me feel a lot better, too.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ellie. I appreciate you being able to see my healing and how different my life has become--and in many ways better. It's nice to be reminded of the strength that I have built and to use that to hold me steady. This day brought sadness, but I did not feel crippled by it. I felt it and let it pass.
Thank you for the hugs ladies! You are two extraordinary women!
I'm sorry this is a day late, but I wanted to say that I hope you managed to get through it and let today be that much better!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Alie! I appreciate you reading and sharing your hope with me.
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