Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Watching From the Sidelines

It's not just me who sits on the sidelines...

When my parents came to visit, we all spent a day at the pool.  Growing up, my dad was the big kid joining in the fun with me and my brother, cousins or neighborhood kids in the pool.  I think in part it comes from my dad's youthful, playful spirit.  He would toss us in the air, ending in a splash of giggles and asking him to do it again.  Or he would make big waves in the pool with his long arms.  Or we would shout our requests for him to do cannon balls or jack knives.  In part, I think it comes from him growing up in a family of one in thirteen with a large extended family.  There was always a mix of ages and always children around.  As he grew older, his older siblings started having children, so there had been a pretty steady flow of youth in the family.  And it was fun to play and laugh and enjoy each other.

There was a small group of boys in the pool with their rough and tumble play.  It could have been a scene from my dad's youth with him and his brothers.  Growing up, Dad would have joined in our silly fun for just a moment.  But, these were not his children or nieces or nephews.  Of course, he would not initiate any interaction; it would not be appropriate by any means.  But, I felt like I could see the twinkle in his eye as he smiled and chuckled at the boys on the edge of mischief as he stood along the side of the pool.  There also seemed a kind of hesitation or a faint sadness.  Maybe that is me projecting my feelings of loss. But, these were not even his grandchildren.  If I can't give him one, will he ever get to be in that moment again...to experience the joy of a child that is part of your family, your inner circle and play?  Has the moment passed?  Has it passed for me?  And for him?

Microblog Mondays

6 comments:

  1. Wow. This post took my breath away. I don't have answer, but this post drives home how far reaching infertility is; how it affects people beyond the person experiencing the infertility.

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  2. Thanks, Mel--time and the unfolding of life will answer the question. But yes, the ripples of who is touched by infertility is more than ourselves. My parents never pushed or asked about grandchildren. They always said it is a personal decision between the couple and were very supportive during the IF in the past. They always had a healthy perspective. But, they also have experienced grief. It is a double grief--that for what their chills is experiencing in loss and of their own loss. Thanks for visiting my blog.

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  3. This is a lovely post, Jamie. It really sums it up - the responsibility we often feel to give others what they want (even if they don't express it to us). I think perhaps we feel that responsibility more when we are struggling to deliver - we feel responsible for ourselves, our partners, children wanting siblings, and our parents wanting grandchildren, nieces/nephews wanting cousins, etc etc. It's hard. Sending hugs.

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  4. Thank you, Mali. While these feelings tend to live in the back of my mind, there are moments when it brings the back to the surface. So is the cycle and vastness of grief. Honor it, and then let it go.

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  5. These feelings are quite a burden to carry on your shoulders. I feel for you. I know how desperately you want children. I know how desperately you want to see your parents as grandparents. I wish I could give you the assurance that I feel deeply in my heart that your time WILL come. I feel it so strongly for you. I feel everything happens for a reason and perhaps it didn't happen with A~ because that marriage was not meant to stay together and it would have been so much more difficult for you and any children to go through a divorce. When it is time, believe me, it WILL happen. I honestly and truly believe it for you. Keep your faith - in God, in your upcoming marriage, in yourself. I have faith that you will be an incredible mom. <3

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  6. Thank you, Diane, for your heartfelt support and understanding. Thank you for keeping the faith, when I sometimes feel unsteady and unsure. I want to believe; I really want to have stronger faith that it will happen. It is a struggle sometimes, and deep down my heart aches for a child. Before anything else, I dreamed of being a mother and caring for a child of my own. I'm grateful that while my parents would love to be grandparents, they don't push for it. They are wise and really do see children as a special blessing. Maybe one day.

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