The Ugly

I am afraid of my parents dying before they are grandparents.

It is an ugly thought.  It is not one I want to admit.  As much as I try to push it away, it keeps slithering back.

I have had a really hard time lately.  Should I be realistic or keep the faith?  Part of it is coping with living childless right now.  Opportunities for motherhood are not completely out of the picture.  That door has not closed, but time is not on my side.

But, I do my best to remember to live the life I have now and embrace the love, joy and blessings I do have because sometimes what the heart wants, it does not get.  Actually, I just had a conversation about this concept with my fiance and how it relates to work, which has been a challenge in starting and establishing a second career.  I want to have a full-time position, but my field is competitive and jobs are limited.  It may take awhile, and it is important to consider at what cost as time keeps passing.  I have worked hard, but I may not get both.

T~ is a rock.  At least we have each other and he is dedicated to making the most of what we have.  I am happy to share my life with him.  And I remind myself again to breathe.

Arm Wrap Up

Yesterday was my last session of PT for my shoulder.  There were a lot of emotions.  Nearly eight months of therapy after a failed attempt of treatment from another care provider and fourteen months since the injury.

I am thankful for being able to get a second opinion and to then get the care I really needed and advocated to get in the first place.  I am thankful for the doctor who believed my pain and that I should not settle for partial healing and movement of my arm.  I am thankful that he referred me to a fantastic PT group who also took my concerns as real and my desire to get better as true.  The new doctor and PT group found it reasonable for me to want to be able to put on a coat without pain or hook my bra when getting dressed in the morning or to be able to sleep through the night.  They recognized that my injury and healing process were atypical and were not going to give up.  They were able to work with my injury so that I could avoid surgery or manipulation under anesthesia.

It took a long time, and with very slow and steady progress.  They did not place blame or make me feel badly for it taking so long to recover.  They focused on the forward progress no matter how small.  They acknowledged my efforts and were my cheerleaders.  They listened to all of the little, subtle details of what I observed or noticed along the way to make adjustments or tweaks in their treatment plan.  They did not make me feel silly for being frustrated by some of the limitations I had experienced in my range of motion.   They were glad that I wanted to be able to throw a baseball again or reach for the cereal on the top shelf or be able to make snow angels.  I did not just want to settle for partial results.  Sure, I may not get back to exactly how my arm was before the accident.  But, I don't have to settle for good enough.  They understood that I wanted to get back to as close to my normal, which may be a bit farther than most because of me being hypermobile or naturally more flexible.  It was not a crazy expectation or unrealistic.  It was just me wanting to be me again.

So, before I left on that last day, I thanked the PT therapists who worked with me.  I also thanked other staff for their patience and kindness.  Once I stepped out of the hospital, I cried a little bit.  Tears of relief, tears of saying good-bye and tears of thankfulness.  Hopefully, it is over and my arm can heal that last five percent on its own with my own exercise, regular living and time.  I am walking away feeling confident in the medical care I finally received.

Blogging Relationships

Sometimes after commenting on another person's blog post, you realize that your comment could make a good blog entry.  I found Mel's post, Don't Starve the Good Bloggers, to be an interesting read.  It suggests diverting the energy in responding to trolls towards supporting the bloggers you enjoy reading and where their story, their writing touches you.  I like the idea of investing in others and sharing kindness.  The comments from the post seemed to follow a conversation around how people post comments or how often they receive them.  It reminded me of fostering relationships and friendships.  Below is my response to the post and its dialogue.


I think the blogging relationship between readers and writers follows similar patterns of friendships over a lifetime.  Some people are long time friends, some are casual friends, and some are work friends.  Some are neighbors or people you have met through a common interest, like going to the gym or taking an art class.  Some have that instant kinship or that feeling like you have been friends your whole life, and then a new chapter begins.  They will always be dear to your heart and you might miss them.  Some friendships ebb and flow where there are periods of closeness and periods of distance, but then closeness again.  People's lives change and we may go down separate paths.  The most fortunate of friendships are the ones that you can pick up right where you left off, no matter the time between.


For me, I feel like I am in a very small niche of the IF community.  When I started my blog, it was after the active TTCing and shortly after my marriage had ended.  It was and has been a way for me to process what I went through and the lingering shadows that follow me now.  I had made friends in the IF community from another source of support online before everything fell apart [in my marriage] and followed them here.  So, upon entering the blogging community, I started with a very low readership because I was not actively trying.  It has never been huge.  Who would read about "their worst nightmare?"  But, I keep writing for me and maybe, maybe it might be of help for someone out there.


And I've kept up in reading this blog [Stirrup Queens] because I enjoy what Mel has to say and because I have found some voices who have been through kind of what I am going through and are on the other side, the side without children.  It gives me a light in how to live right now as a childless person.  I may get another chance to try to be a mother, but not at the moment.  I find comfort in knowing if I have the opportunity to try to be a mother, I am connected to a place where others are actively trying.  But, it is also a space that if I remain childless, that there are women here to show me I'll be okay.


Thank you to all who read my blog!  Thank you to those who post comments, as well!  Thank you to the lovely ladies who have shared in their friendship with me beyond the online world and IRL!  Hugs!

Good Reminder

Read a microblog post that had a fantastic quote.  So, I'm borrowing it and putting it here so I can come back to it as needed.

"Be soft.  Do not let the world make you hard.  Do not let the pain make you hate.  Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness."--Kurt Vonnegut