Saturday, November 22, 2014

The Ugly

I am afraid of my parents dying before they are grandparents.

It is an ugly thought.  It is not one I want to admit.  As much as I try to push it away, it keeps slithering back.

I have had a really hard time lately.  Should I be realistic or keep the faith?  Part of it is coping with living childless right now.  Opportunities for motherhood are not completely out of the picture.  That door has not closed, but time is not on my side.

But, I do my best to remember to live the life I have now and embrace the love, joy and blessings I do have because sometimes what the heart wants, it does not get.  Actually, I just had a conversation about this concept with my fiance and how it relates to work, which has been a challenge in starting and establishing a second career.  I want to have a full-time position, but my field is competitive and jobs are limited.  It may take awhile, and it is important to consider at what cost as time keeps passing.  I have worked hard, but I may not get both.

T~ is a rock.  At least we have each other and he is dedicated to making the most of what we have.  I am happy to share my life with him.  And I remind myself again to breathe.


  1. I'm so happy that you found someone to whom you can speak freely about your worries as well as share in your joy! Please don't give up your hope for a child(ren). When it is meant to be, it will be. And it will far surpass what you ever thought it could be!

    1. I'm trying not to give up hope. The dream somehow feels like it just keeps getting farther and farther away. So, I try to focus on now and take it one day at a time. When I feel a little sad, I turn my thoughts on the wedding and enjoying my time with T~.