There is a guy, Tim Urban, who writes a blog called Wait But Why. The topics of the posts can be a bit all over the place, but many are an interesting read. Sometimes when he kind of gets more introspective, I kind of feel like he is walking around in my head. Yes, I think and worry about those things, too!
One thing that I probably spend too much time worrying about is having the opportunity to spend time with my parents. Some of it probably has to do with experiencing several significant deaths at an early age. Some of it likely has to do with IF as it brings an awareness of the fragility of our being. And with currently being childless, I don't have kids to distract me from thinking about these particular big life thoughts. It is not to say people with children are not deep thinkers or share similar thoughts, I just have more time to dwell on them. Finally, some of it may be because I'm a sensitive, old soul who enjoys deep meaningful relationships and favors quality over quantity. Parents are pretty significant people in our lives. It freaks me out to acknowledge that my time with them is limited.
Some may dismiss my worries because they say we are all getting older and it is life that we will not have our parents forever. True. But does it not bother you?
Tim Urban does a very nice job of quantifying this concern of mine. In fact, he has a mathematical, pictorial representation. He also discusses in-person parent time. You can read his blog here.
As I was reading his blog, I vacillated between excited appreciation and increasing fear. It was a relief to read that someone else thinks about this kind of stuff while trying not to rev up feelings of anxiety. He gets close to the edge of the runaway train effect. However, he closes on an important message. Proximity, priorities and quality matter.
I am thankful to have moved back to Ohio. I feel a bit more at ease than when I lived in other places. It feels very good after visiting them this past weekend just because I had the time. Big fan of unstructured time.
What an interesting post by Wait But Why...not gonna lie, those visual representations made me more anxious than comforted. I don't like feeling like there's a countdown out there of how many of any experience I have left. I also feel like it would be depressing to think that you have until 90 and have all those dumplings ahead of you...yet there's no guarantee and you could be robbed of the dumplings at 40, or 50, or 72. Interesting concept, though! I live near my mom, but only see her maybe once or twice per month (and usually only when my sister comes into town), but my dad lives all the way in LA and has since I was 14, and the longest I've gone without seeing him is 7 years. Which is a long time. I feel kind of lucky because my parents are only twenty years older than me, so I feel (maybe erroneously?) that I have more time ahead with them, but you just never know. Oh man, now this bothers me even more. I guess quality over quantity is good? And meaningful conversations on the phone if we can't be together. I feel a little sad... but it's important to think about.
ReplyDeleteThanks for clicking over to read the other blog post. I'm sorry it left you feeling sad and maybe a bit more anxious. Not a fan of a countdown either, and you make a good point that we are not guaranteed anything.
DeleteI guess if I were to run into someone who was all it's no big deal, this concern of mine, I'd almost want to pull out the post and be all see, see it is a big deal! I think the post is more validating for me. It is my grownup boogeyman, but kind or real. So, I just take those visualizations with the neat graphics and shove them under my proverbial bed knowing they are there, but quietly ignoring them. I'm a little bit of a weirdo.
I lived abroad for almost a year when I was 26, and one of the factors that led me to come back to Canada was that I wanted to be near my parents, that I didn't want your on the other side of the world as they got older. And I'm glad I did. I think it is rather depressing to think there is a "quota" of experiences and opportunities but at the same time you can't escape the knowledge that everything ends,especially as you get older. I think it is better not to assume we have unlimited time with anyone because you don't, in the end. Make time to be with them.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughts and sharing your experiences. I try not to focus on how much time there may be left as it is not guaranteed. I think it just helps to make it clear to be sure to prioritize what matters most.
DeleteYeah, I didn't like the visual representation of my time left! But that's cos I'm older than you.
ReplyDeleteI will admit that I did want my husband's brothers and their families to read it though. They all live overseas, and are very laid back about coming back to see their parents - though some more than others. Of course, we're here and we see their parents much more often, so the blog made me feel a bit smug about that too.
On the other hand, having just lost my last parent, I now feel that, if I wanted to, I could go anywhere in the world without guilt or obligation. Well, I do feel a bit guilty saying that.
I have one more thing to add. My MIL is 92. My FIL is almost 88. It's only really been in the last year or two that they have seriously needed us. If you're happy to be near your parents, and get pleasure from seeing them, then that's great. As Torthuil said, you never know how much time you have. On the other hand, don't put your own life on hold for them. It's something I feel my husband (and therefore me as well) has done over the last 10-15 years, and that makes me sad.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, especially with the recent loss of your mother. I found the blog validating, but not something to dwell upon. It may be handy to show to those who may be cavalier about my concerns. But, you bring up a point that a person should spend time with people out of love and friendship rather than obligation. I enjoy my time with my parents, so I see this as a blessing. They do not put pressure on me to visit, which my dad has always been better at that than my mom. My dad has very much supported my independence and need to make my own life. My mom has needed to learn that, but she seems to get it more. I think she now appreciates the quality over quantity of the time we spend together and is more in the moment when we are together. It is a good space to be with my parents.
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