Friday, May 2, 2014

My Stuff

When T~ asked me to move in with him, I was over the moon happy.  I still am.  :)  Things were progressing in our relationship and I was hopeful that was where we were going next in our relationship.  When things changed with my job, I was afraid that would be derailed.  It was not and it actually bumped up the time frame.  And we were good with that.  I felt so loved and thrilled and couldn't wait to move and be done with it.  In fact, from the day T~ asked me to move in with him, we spent every night together.  The move was slow and took two months, but we were living together from day one.  I am so thankful that it went the way it did.

T~ and I were both sad that the whole moving in together didn't go as we once imagined.  When we initially tossed around the idea, our intent was to move into a new place together.  A fresh start for both of us in this new chapter.  But, things didn't go that way, and I moved into his place.  T~ has made every effort to make the apartment feel like our place.  We have a good balance of each person's furniture and decorative things.  The rest is in storage in a garage where we live.

Somewhat secretly, I felt very relieved that we have a place to store extra things.  I know stuff is just stuff and it doesn't really matter.  Stuff can be replaced.  But, I was so glad that we didn't have to sort through and decide what stays and what goes in order to condense things down.  As much as I have been wanting to move in with T~, I am not ready to give up some of my stuff.

My stuff is kind of like a security blanket.  I'm scared sometimes.  I was married once and thought it was going to last and it didn't.  I've been hurt before and it took a long time for me to be where I am.  I have the stuff I need to live independently and comfortably.  I am afraid to get rid of any of it for fear of something similar happening.  I don't want to have to build that up again, especially since I feel like I am so far behind in life.

It is not that I have doubts in my relationship with T~.  It is just that I know how awful it can be to have your life turned upside down, ripped apart and shattered when it was the farthest thing from your mind and that it all happened so fast.  I am afraid of that happening again.  When you have been burned before, you know how bad it can be and want to avoid that kind of hurt again.

There have been times that I felt silly or badly about wanting to hold onto my stuff.  I don't feel like it is about having doubts in the relationship.  It may be more like doubts in believing in my own judgement or that I deserve to be happy.  Sometimes I am afraid of the good things in my life, only to have them taken away.  I am afraid of getting too comfortable.

I know some of these feelings are normal, as I read similar things from another blogger who divorced and remarried.  She was lucky to have a partner who was patient and understanding and let her hold onto her extra stuff.  I think it takes a kind, selfless person to know it is not about them and to allow the other person to get there  in the time they need on their own.

But, eventually if I want a more permanent life with T~, I will have to let go of some of my stuff.  It is silly to keep it all.  Fortunately, T~ is patient and understanding.  There is no rush to narrow things down.  So, I can hold onto my stuff for now until I can build enough trust that one day I will be able to do it.

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