From a Tiny Seed, Come Big Dreams

I have some big news, some really big news! After volunteering at the hospital and steadily having conversations with a few people here and there, something big for me has evolved. My proposal for a pilot summer reading program has been accepted!!! It will be an eight week project and it is related to my graduate studies. It will be a great experience and falls right in line with what I will need to do for my final project to complete my program. If all goes well, this could be really fantastic for me!

And thinking on it, the whole progression puts me back to when I was in some of my darkest moments in my life, both on the heels of facing infertility and soon after in coping with my divorce. I had volunteered at other hospitals and I was looking forward to continuing it once I settled in Pennsylvania. I have heard from several sources that when you are feeling down and at your worst, sometimes that is the best time to give back. It helped to take the focus off of myself and allowed me to put my energy towards making someone's life better. It was a much needed break from outside of my own head and to feel purposeful. I did not realize it until I was able to step back. As the old hospital was closing and the new one was opening, everyone was invited to write on the walls in the hospital--patients, families, nurses, doctors, staff, and volunteers. My message reflecting my experience was deeply personal and at that moment I felt forever grateful for having an outlet from my pain. And I continue to feel grateful.

It was also around the time when I was reading Joel Osteen's book, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential. One thing that was mentioned in the book is the importance of planting little seeds. It is when you start doing good in whatever form and continue to cultivate it, good and unexpected things can happen. And that is exactly how this whole proposal came to be. About two and a half years ago I started volunteering at the hospital. I felt very motivated to speak up and share from my heart in promoting education for children receiving long-term care. I formed some wonderful relationships with people with genuine energy, passion, and vision. My time at the hospital also lead me to my current professional development path in working towards my Master's. And now I am blessed with an opportunity to promote my passions in literacy, tie it into my studies in applied developmental psychology, and expand my experiences at the hospital.

Two and a half years ago I felt so lost and broken. My identity continued to tumble and crash. As I was trying to figure out how I was going to put my life back together and move forward, I was blessed that my ex was flexible to allow me to continue my volunteer work and backhandedly supported my thoughts on going back to school. I say this because I don't think he thought I could really get into graduate school. His words were the right thing to say, but they were empty and hollow. He told me with a quiet sigh, "Jamie, you don't have to climb mountains." He thought my efforts to try to improve the school program and to promote educational rights of hospitalized children was too big for me. Glad to say he was wrong!

So now the real work begins! I am excited and nervous and in awe. It will be a lot to do, but so worth it. I want to make every moment count. I have a post-it from my adviser, who is ridiculously awesome, and it has become my new mantra.

GET TO WORK--You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.

It is awesome to have dreams. It is even better when you can make them happen.

Enter...New Guy

I am on cloud nine.

Whenever I talk about my new guy, I can't help but smile. As a matter of fact, while I was telling one of my friends about him, she giggled and asked me, "Are you smiling?!" I paused and then I realized...yes, I am from ear to ear! It is great that I don't even realize it when I am doing it!

So, he has this great energy where everything he does in life seems like an adventure. It's great when his eyes light up and he starts with, "How awesome would (fill-in the blank) be right now? Yea, let's do that!" It is fantastic how when we spend time together that things just seem to flow from one thing to the next.

He is an amazing cook and has an urban garden. He planted cherry tomatoes in it just for me. He plays guitar and sings. He laughs often and when he smiles, he smiles with his whole face. And once he starts laughing, I can't help but laugh with him. He loves to be active with sports and doing outdoor activities. He is driven and creative and loves to work on house projects. He has traveled all over the place and loves to read.

And the development of our relationship happened very organically. It's happened pretty quickly, but it feels so right. We just seemed to notice each other at just the right time and things fell into place. It went from little conversations during our kickball games to a couple of Memorial Day cookouts to spending a weekend together that you could not have planned if you tried. There was a picnic in the park and karaoke down the street, breakfasts in diners and dinners at home--both with a group and just us, and watching movies and not watching movies. We roamed around yard sales, shopped at the Home Depot to pick out paint colors, and fixed up his entryway. And there was talking...the kind of talking where you really get to know someone. Neither one of us could get enough of the other during that weekend. We had a fabulous time doing the dating things and the mundane.

It has been fast forward in our dating experience together and I try to keep in mind to just go with the flow. I was doing that well at first. Then came a period where I started to worry if it was too much too soon or wondering if he is as into me as I am into him. But then I remind myself to relax, have no expectations, and observe. And there are some pretty big signs that he really likes me. I've met many of his friends and family. And he added me on as a user on his movie rental membership!

I really, really, REALLY like this guy! And I am incredibly happy!

Whirlwind Dating from the Spring

So, I haven't posted in a bit and I have reason. Up until recently, my dance card has been full as I was dating several guys during the spring. I didn't intend to date so many guys at once. It just happened to work out that way and I decided to go with the flow and enjoy it. It was fun while it lasted because it gave me a chance to meet a bunch of different people and to try some new things. I think it was important for me to have these experiences without settling down with just one guy. I needed the freedom and the space to explore what it is that I am looking for in a relationship. From each person I was definitely able to learn something about myself and how I want to go forward in my dating life.

1. Stick with the honesty thing, it works for me. I am the kind of person that what you see is pretty much what you get. I don't play games. The truth is better in the long run and I'd rather be direct, albeit with care and kindness.
2. Listen to my inner voice. If something doesn't feel right, listen and think. I have to do what is best for me and know when to walk away--whether it is just to be friends or to let that relationship go entirely. For me, this is difficult because I so want to please. So, to fully voice my opinion when it may feel like it could cause conflict is huge for me.
   
3. Easy-breezy, go with the flow, and no expectations. I like to have answers and a plan. But I find that with dating, it works better to relax and not over think everything. Let things unfold and live in the moment. Be observant and I'll know what I need to know when I know it.
4. Remember to have fun, laugh, and smile. I don't want to take for granted the time spent with each date. It may not last and I want to make it count. I need to allow myself to open up more and not hold back. Reciprocated sharing with both people is important.

In the end, I was sad to see one guy go and I hope one guy will stick around to be a friend. The others will probably disappear into the history of my life. It got to be a bit crazy dating them all at once and I am ready to walk away from that for a bit. While these experiences are valuable, I also found it difficult to truly get into that next level with any of them. It was like I was stretching myself too thin to be able to give in the way of being more disclosive about myself. This will take trust. Trusting the other person and trusting myself. As my dating wave was ending, I was looking forward to maybe just dating one person so that I could have an opportunity to get to a deeper dating relationship.

And as it turns out, there was someone very promising just kind of hanging out there! He is also the kind of guy that I would not want to throw into a dating mix. He's one that is worth the time and effort to get to know all by himself. I really like him and I will just have to see where this adventure goes!

Building Crap-o-la

After I received an email from a friend, I realized that I have been too quiet about my current feelings about my divorce. Her email referenced that sometimes it is best not to say anything if you don't know what to say. Which that is true and can help to avoid the word vomit. But on the flip side, it is also important not to let those feelings stay bottled up and fester. She said there is a time to speak, as well, so that you can feel heard and understood. It also opens you up to be able to have someone empathize with what you are going through. Suffering in silence is not an answer, which was my friend's point and the same can be said for me.

I think that has been my problem lately. I just want to leave the mess of divorce behind, but this divorce stuff just resurfaces. Trying to ignore it and carry on with my life is not working. I've been realizing that this cloud that is divorce can creep in every once in a while and ambush me. I have to give myself permission to revisit and reflect when needed.

I didn't know why, but I have been feeling sad and just tired lately. I am tired of feeling broken. I am tired of it feeling like there are all of these happy couples my age enjoying all that was supposed to have been for me--a loving and respectful husband, a house, kids, and being completely engrossed with all that comes with it.

But no, I am angry because I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines. Starting over is so very difficult sometimes. I feel like I am so far behind with my life goals and dreams and wonder if they will ever come true. Facebook is not helping with seeing the profile pics that pop up in the friend suggestions. I see so many elementary, high school, and college friends and acquaintances that have what was supposed to be mine now. It is a streak of jealousy and I hate it. I loath the sick feeling I get sometimes when seeing happy married couples or people holding their cute kids. Ugh...time is not my friend right now. I wonder if I will find a man who will love and respect all of me, let alone have time to do the other stuff.

I am angry that my ex quickly and carelessly tossed aside all that was our past, as if it never happened or meant anything. I feel used up and like he took some of the prime years of my life that could have been spent with someone who would have valued them. He said he didn't really love me and was just going along with what he thought was expected of him. If that is really how he felt, why couldn't he just let me go? Did he really just string me along for 14 years? Or can he not admit to his mistakes and tells me this lie? I don't get how something that seemed so right could go so wrong so fast. I don't think I will ever know if he just didn't love me as much as I loved him from the beginning or if it is pride that will not allow him to admit that any part of our past relationship was true and real so that he can justify cheating on me.

Someone asked me this past weekend the "what happened?" after nine years of marriage. The length of our 9 to 14 years together seems to say that it wasn't just a young fling, that there must have been something substantial there. He said he knew of others who he was in shock of in getting divorced and he wondered if it was just a front with being the model couple. I hate when people say that kind of thing, and I felt badly for his friends that he put on a pedestal. It's like, yep thanks for making me feel even worse for disappointing you that my marriage fell apart. Here, let me hold your hand. It's not like it sucked the big one for me. It makes me want to scream. No this is not what I wanted! I did not choose this for myself and no, I was not faking the relationship. I feel like some people just want to know what was wrong so they don't "catch it." Ugh...

Hopefully, this will help to get some of this negativity out because I'd much rather focus on the good stuff in my life. And there have been some really good things mixed in with some really good moments when I feel like I am on top of the world and can hardly recognize my life--in the good kind of way.

May Memories in the Moment of Teaching

Since the spring semester ended at Pitt, it has left me more time to pick up substitute teaching jobs before the end of the school year. I was in for a friend of mine that I met in one of my ESL (English as a Second Language) classes. Then I found out that she was going to be out for several weeks and I was asked to cover her class teaching ESL! It has been a wonderful experience, especially since I just finished my training to teach ESL. It has felt like having my own class again by teaching the same group of kids for a consistent period of time. The kids are very sweet, hard working, and quite humorous. And I love that my friend trusts me with her kids to do the planning and teaching my way while she is away. We talk on the phone and I give her updates. Her stories are also ten times funnier because now I have gotten to know her kids and can appreciate it more. It has been a dream to be in her classroom with her sweeties and I love that it is how I will spend most of my time closing out the school year.

Highlights:

• Making a class book about animals. It has been a sort of research/writing project and the kids have taken it to the next level with their high interest and effort. Tomorrow we will read the finished project and hopefully the principal will pop in to see it, as well.

• Getting to know the kids better to be able to have fun with them by listening to their stories and joking around with them. It is good to let them see you laugh. And it is great to see them open up, too.

• Allowing room for the kids to be able to guide the direction of instruction by using their interests and suggestions. It is lovely when kids can be part of the process in their own learning. We have done this with the animal book project, recreating a book we've been reading into pop-up sets and puppets to practice the sequencing of events, and individualized book reports.

• Smiling faces that greet me by name, sprinkled with hugs. As a sub, I can sometimes feel like I'm just another person coming and going. You need time to develop rapport with the kids.

• Teachable moments--that individualized connection to learning that makes it so deliciously meaningful and magical. It is having a trusting relationship with the children to allow you to take them on a journey of learning--to be in that moment of thinking and creativity!
  

Not-So-Happy Mother's Day

I feel like crap and totally selfish. I was absolutely miserable on Mother's Day and wanted to crawl into a hole. It was worse than Valentine's Day. And I put off calling my own mother until the afternoon, which I felt completely guilty about because I love my mom dearly and she has been nothing but supportive...especially with enduring all of the crap that has been my life these past few years. She deserves more and she deserves better.

But I guess I just felt ticked off at the world with feeling like I was being dictated on when I should be expressing loving and heartfelt thank you's to mothers. I wanted to be stubborn, not have some day tell me when to share my appreciation to all the mothers out there and joining in the skipping rainbows and gushy moms are the best thing ever stuff surrounded by pink fluff and sweet flowery goodness. I even had someone wish me a happy mother's day on Friday as I left work. WTF? The first time I am wished a happy mother's day in my life and I am not even one year out of my divorce. Instead I was numb and just closed myself off.

When I talked to my mom, I wanted to tell her how I really felt on the inside. I wanted to tell her how much I appreciate her strength and unwavering support as I have gone through some of the very crappiest things in my life. I just wanted to get off of the phone because I knew I was doing a poor job of expressing any kind of genuine sentiment. I was so disappointed in myself.

And I felt crappy again when a friend of mine called to share in how terrible it was for her to deal with Mother's Day. I'm sorry, darling. I was numb and not doing a good job of supporting you in the way that I wanted. My heart aches for those who are not mothers and who so want to be mothers on this day. It is not even like Valentine's Day where you can be somewhat open about your anger. Who wants to be the jerk to openly vent about Mother's Day? It is again, one of those unspoken pains that many women carry as a burden for more reasons than I could imagine.

It wasn't until I talked to my mom today that I was able to really tell her how I feel. I told her when she comes into town that I would want celebrate her own Mother's Day. I told her I was sorry that I couldn't bring myself to really celebrate and thank her properly. She said she knew and it was why she called earlier in the week before Mother's Day. My mom had already thought it would be a real possibility the weekend could be difficult for me this year. She wanted to know how I was doing and if I was okay. (Humbly, with a gulp.) Wow. That's why I love my mom because she never stops loving me and she so often seems to be so aware and thoughtful. I don't know how she does it.

As much as I hate to admit it, this Mother's Day was just another reminder that I am not a mother and so very far away from that dream. It is just another reminder that I don't even have that someone special to share my life with to even begin to dream that dream again.

Which, that brings me to a little green sleeper and two teddy bear onesies.

I knew I was ready to give away the adoption books I had when I could look at them an not cry. I felt ready when I threw away all of the informational pamphlets from the various adoption agencies. With a deep breath and courage I knew it was time when I put the paperwork I completed from the chosen agency into the shredder. Although, I did cry when I returned the rest of the baby things I bought from the store. I was grateful for the lady behind the counter when she stopped herself from asking the reason for the returns or if there was anything wrong with the merchandise.

But I could not bring myself to return the little green sleeper and the two teddy bear onesies. I don't bring them out to look at them much. And with each rare time that I do, it hurts less. But for some reason I just cannot let them go just yet. I almost feel like if I give them up, that I am giving up on my dream of one day being a mother. When I bought them, I imagined putting them on my own Jamie baby and holding my little one. They almost represent a kind of hope, and it is a hope I am not ready to let go of yet.

But I also know that if I ever did have a child, I would not want to dress my child in those items. I know that one day I will donate them to someone in need. And maybe I will be able to detach my hope from them without having to give up on the dream. Sometimes it feels so foolish and silly to dream for a child when I don't even have the relationship to share in the dream. (And please do not tell me that I can be a mother without a husband...I don't want to do the single mother thing.)

Pittsburgh Half-Marathon

Okay, this post is running a little late, but it is because I wanted to upload a photo to go along with my accomplishment!

So, I am very proud of myself for having run in the Pittsburgh Half-Marathon. I had started my training in January with the help of a friend from volunteering at the hospital, Becca. She suggested the race and I was a little nervous to do it wondering if I could be ready in time. But then I thought, why wait? When would I have another opportunity to plunge into this before my classes get more intense? Becca was great in giving me her training schedule so that I could mesh it with the one I had to make something work for me. We ran together on a couple of weekends, but it was mostly checking in with each other to hold ourselves accountable to reach the goal. Now I can say that I have run in a 5K, 10K, and now a half-marathon. I can't wait to run another one or to try for a full marathon! I love running and it is even better when training for a race.

As for race day, I was not able to run with Becca. We tried to meet up, but I should have known better when there were 16,000 people in the race! Even leading up to the day of the Marathon, someone commented that it seemed like everyone in Pittsburgh or someone they knew was running in the race. My friend, Michele (in the photo above), drove down with me to the race, leaving my place around 5:45 am. It was great to run with Michele and as I was driving there, she had looked at the race map for the first time. She giggled in awe, "Oh my gosh, Jamie, this is a really long course!" I agreed and said that I didn't realize just how long 13.1 miles could be either. I had been training with running twice around a small lake* and then a little more. But when it was mapped out over the city, it looked a lot longer! The course started downtown by the Heinz Historical Center. Then it went into the Strip District and back up again and across the 16th Street Bridge. Then it went down East Ohio Street and did a loop before coming across the West End Bridge and along Station Square. From there it continued into part of the Southside on Carson Street before looping back into downtown. It was a great run through the city and across so many bridges!

As Michele and I found our starting spot around 7:00 am, we were both feeling nervous and excited. The energy from the crowd was great as there was this feeling of unity before undertaking something big. Runners were full of happy chatter and smiling ear to ear with the excitement of it all. Then we listened to someone sing the national anthem and waited for the signal for the race to start. It took us five minutes to get to the starting line once the race had officially began. It was crowed for the first two miles or so as runners fell into their pace. There was a bit of a drizzle just as we finished the first mile, which made the air humid and heavy. Then it began to rain fairly heavily for the second and part of the third mile, which made it difficult to see. But it didn't matter because everyone was just so pumped up with energy and there were so many people lining the streets to cheer on the runners. And there were bands playing music all along the route of the race. It was better than running with an MP3 player! Slowly, the rain tapered off to a steady light rain. If it was going to rain, this was the best kind of rain to be running in, at least. Michele and I kept in check with each other to see how the other was doing. Michele lead the way when it was time to pass other runners and I kept a watch out for the clocks along the course to calculate our pace to keep us on track for our goal. Running with the rain could be tough, mostly because my shoes got wet and made them heavier for running. Around half-way through the course, I was feeling the challenge of the slow incline up the West End Bridge as it was kicking my arse--in more ways than one. But just as it was getting tough, there would be a crowd of people cheering on the runners with such positive support or the can-do music of a band or a pace leader yelling words of encouragement. And I just kept telling myself, "You can do this James!" It was amazing to see so many people running, especially from certain vantage points where you could see the seemingly endless stream of runners ahead packing the streets. I told Michele, "So this is what 16,000 people running looks like!" At this point in the race, the marathon runners were going to continue up Carson Street and the half-marathon runners were turning back into the city. There was no easy mile for me in this race, as I had to keep focused and give it my all, but I also did it with a big old smile. When running a race of this distance, it is not a matter of just running, it becomes a mental challenge to endure and come out on the other side.

As I crossed the finish line, I had a great feeling of accomplishment with a huge payout of personal satisfaction after four months of intense training. It wasn't until after the race that I could really step back and appreciate the hard work and dedication I put towards building to this moment. To top it off, I got a finisher's medal! That was a fun surprise--not to mention, that we were also given Gatorade, bananas, and smiley cookies!

Goals Accomplished: run the whole half-marathon, keep at a 10 minute mile pace or less, have fun, and be awesome

Time: 2 hours, 7 minutes, 12 seconds

(*small lake--I say this with a slight eye-roll. In Pittsburgh, people consider the "lake" at North Park, well, a lake. I think of it as a large pond. Having grown up in Cleveland along one of the Great Lakes, a lake is not something you can see across to the other side, let alone be able to run completely around in an hour. I am a lake snob.)

Rotten Tomatoes

In another installment of my boy crazy life...

I can greater appreciate patience and allowing for life to unfold so that it may reveal certain truths. So, there was another guy that I had been dating, nicknamed by a dear friend as Ruben from the movie Along Came Polly. Although, he isn't like the character in the movie. But when I mention his job, several people have jumped at asking me if it is the same as the dude from that movie. Any who...not the point.

I really liked this guy. I felt like we had several things in common, similarities in our background, and the more I learned about him, the more I liked. He is tall and has a presence in a crowed room that gets noticed--an understated confidence. And each time he kissed me, it felt like magic.

Sounds great...but I noticed some distancing and was not sure what it was about. It felt like he was guarded and there is only so much you can share with a person who is so protective of themselves before you are stuck and can't get to a deeper level. I wondered if he noticed this, too. I didn't know if he just was not aware or shy or maybe a quiet player. The last time we went out to dinner, he brought up this very thing, wondering if we click or fit. Long story short, it turns out that he is not in an emotional place to be dating right now. He needs some time to heal his heart. I give him credit for being open and honest about his situation. It makes me sad because I saw so much potential and I am not ready to say good-bye. But I will be respectful of his need for space and maybe when the time is right, he will know where to find me.

Just when I was about to write him off as a player, he finally opened up.

Did I mention he is a really good kisser??? (Sigh)

NIAW

Well, National Infertility Awareness Week is coming to a close. To be honest, I would not have known had I not been reading the blogs of my fellow IFers. I know, it may be weird to still think of myself as an IFer, but it will always be a part me. And it sucks, especially feeling left so very far behind or falling into an "other" category. But I try not to think about it too much, especially since there is no point in worrying about it since it may not apply to the future me. So, I just tuck it into the back of my mind in the way of honoring something important from my past, but not as something as part of my future.

As I was reading the posts from the ladies "on the other side" I felt better that they have not forgotten. Not that I would ever think they would forget for a moment. I think it takes strength for these women to reflect back on their experiences and to show their hearts, especially to those who have not yet become mothers. It is a window of hope--life continues on and it will be okay. It speaks to this place of being able to reflect back on a very difficult, dark period in your life, when it might have felt inconceivable that there could ever be any happiness or fulfillment, and to be grateful to be on the other side at last--to be able to believe in life's possibilities and to be able to dream again.

As for me, the most important thing that has come from the IF experience was meeting a wonderful, loving, supportive, strong community of women. We really created something beautiful from our group and I am proud to call these women my friends. These are women who will forever be a part of my life and I am eternally grateful for what they have done for me.

Cheers to Carli, Katie, Melissa G., Melissa P., Kerri, Ellie, Lau, Des, Trisha, HP08, Rose, Alie, Lee, Heather, and Ginny. I love you ladies!!!

J@miE's b0Y crAzy*~

Well, that was the text my sister sent when I was really getting back into dating. And it is true!

Okay, I've been holding back. I have been doing a lot more dating than what I have had the courage to admit. I've just kept myself open to the possibility these past few months and for whatever reason, guys have been come into my life from left, right, and center. It has been amazing and I have been having fun with really, truly dating for the first time in my life. And it is not to say it is always easy because it has its own ups and downs. But it is a roller coaster ride I am happier to be riding instead of sitting on the sidelines. Dude, I have a lot to learn.

I married young and to the first person in which I had a real relationship. It is not to say that I would have regretted the lack in prior dating had we been able to sustain the marriage as an equal, respectful, and loving partnership. But as this is not the case, I am embracing this opportunity to explore the world of dating. At times I feel weird for not having done this earlier, but I cannot change the past. And it can be a little scary, considering dating has changed a lot since I was an undergrad. I am grateful to have my own mini-dating guru--my younger sister who is in college and loves to poke fun at our age gap. It can be humbling to take advise from my little sister, as I can sometimes feel protective of her and feel like I am the one who should be looking out for her. But, I guess this is a form of giving back in the times that I helped her, so I will take this gift. As helpful as she is with her own take on dating advise, I think she is also finding my adventures amusing. But I have to say that she laughs with me and not at me! And I am happy to have friends who also will indulge me in listening to my silly stories and ramblings about dating, as I find better grounding in it all. Thank you!

Oh, and something else that ties into all of this exploring into the realm of dating...the class I was taking at Pitt was on adolescence this past semester. (It is also the reason why I have not posted recently...finishing up end of the semester projects.) Reading about the different domains of development could be difficult for me at times because it could hit so close to home. It made me really face some areas of my life that needed some hard reflection and it was not always easy. There were times when I would ask myself, really? REALLY? Could I really not read about this now?

Case in point, sex. Without going into a lot of details, Jamie did not have a whole lot of experience during adolescence with sexual exploration. And upon reading research, yep, it is developmentally appropriate for teens to do a certain amount of fooling around. Frick'n catholic guilt. No, it is not entirely fair to blame it on that. Stink'n goodie-goodie. Okay, I cannot be so hard on myself.

So, I have some catching up to do. And in addition, I have had to let go and allow myself permission to put myself out there. This is not to say that I am running around like a wild woman! It is all relative. But I want for me to be open to these experiences and to be in the moment and to enjoy them. Plus, I have put a lot of thought into where I would draw the line with lightening up and having some fun, but also staying true to myself and my values. Taking this time to define that for myself has been freeing and empowering because I know my limits and more importantly, I can enjoy the time I do have with someone in that magical moment.

I know, I know...I am so cheesy!