It is funny how life works sometimes. It is true that certain people come into our lives for a reason. I have experienced this blessing countless times over, and I so enjoy taking in the vast amazement of it. Diane is one of these people, who has become a close friend and confidant.
When I moved to Pittsburgh the second time, there were some strange coincidences of shared commonalities between me and A~ and another couple that was moving into the neighborhood a few houses down the street. We built similar style homes and moved within a month of each other. The guys were both starting work at the same hospital, in the same department and with the same position. Diane and I shared backgrounds in teaching elementary school.
We started to hang out and got along pretty well. I really enjoyed Diane and G~'s sense of humor, genuine spirit and warmth that adds to the sense of community in a neighborhood. Diane and I would trade tips on yard work and house projects and quickly became the go-to people if others had questions about new house things. When you build a new home, there are "fun" things like inspections to get the builders to come fix the stuff they forgot to do the first time. Diane and I were both meticulously organized and masterful in accumulating resources and lists of numbers of helpful people to call to get our requests done correctly and promptly.
Then as the neighborhood became more established, it was time to elect a board for the home owner's association. It seemed like the general consensus around the neighborhood was to be chill and let everyone just enjoy having their new home and yard and do what they liked with them. So to help keep it that way, Diane ran to be elected to the board and I was asked to be on the architectual control committee. Our platform was to be as anti-HOA as possible...in that if you have to go through the process of getting something approved, our answer was yes. Sometimes it was difficult to stay within the rules, but we helped home owners find the holes and exeptions to get their requests approved while following the set by-laws and guidelines. Diane and I even distributed a survey about the rules around fences, which was a hot debate. It turned out most people wanted there to be fewer restrictions. So, we wrote up an addendum and sent out ballots for a vote. When there were not enough votes to represent a majority (one way or the other on the issue), we went door to door to get the rest of the ballots. In the end, the fence by-law was changed to reach a compromise. Woohoo! Local politics and do-gooders at its finest!
The point is that Diane and I bonded. We talked shop about teacher stuff, shared stories and watched Pens games. We consulted each other about the latest and greatest at Lowes, Home Depot and Target. We went for walks and chatted with neighbors. As we are both people who tend to stay up late, we could see the lights on in each other's houses and would send emails back and forth. And there was my garage door...there were times that I would get a call from Diane telling me that my garage door was open around ten or eleven at night. Or I would be at the store and forget if I closed the garage door on my way out, and I would call Diane to check. From her home office with a laugh, "Yep, Jamie. You're good." I never had a garage door opener and for some reason it would just slip my mind!
Then in the spring, A~ and G~ had a conference in Las Vegas. Diane and I joined them and turned it into a bit of a vacation. It was a great time to get away to get a dose of warm weather, sunshine and pool time. Good food, fun and time to relax...time to get away...to escape the dark side of what I had been silently carrying with me for over a year.
One day in the middle of lunch with just the two of us, Diane stopped. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but Diane brought up the topic of children. I forget if she asked me or if she disclosed first. But as it turned out, G~ and Diane had been trying to conceive for years with no success. She asked me if A~ and I had been trying and if we were having similar difficulty. Tears filled my eyes, both in great sadness and relief. I was sad for myself in facing the harsh, stark truth of not being able to conceive a child so out in the open. I felt so vulnerable and ashamed. But I felt even more sad for Diane because what I had experienced was no where near the emotional pain that she and G~ had already been through. I felt relief on a certain level in that the truth was finally out, and that I was not alone. Suddenly, I felt like I could breathe again.
Before this very moment, it was a silent pain that only A~ and I knew. We told no one. We didn't tell our parents, our family or our closest friends. To the exponentially, increasingly asked question, "When are you going to have kids?," our response was an avoidant, steeped in an awkwardly masked sadness, "Someday."
Diane's disclosure of her history of infertility was honorable, sensitive and kind. She said that it seemed that when you have experienced it, it is like you develop a kind of radar for it. It is not something that is openly talked about, but somehow you know. Diane and I talked at length that day, both in her sharing her story and me sharing mine. Diane told me about Babycenter.com, or the BBC, with its on-line community of women who are mothers, who will be mothers or who are trying to be mothers. She told me how you can go on the board and find different groups to find the support you need. There were other women who told their stories, asked questions and offered support. Diane said she became friends with many of these women, exchanged emails and stayed in contact with them through the years.
It was because of Diane that I learned about the BBC. Once I was brave enough to go on-line with the website, I was lucky enough to find a network of caring, loving, supportive women. I met a remarkable group of ladies who have helped me immensely through my journey with infertility, divorce and rebuilding of my life. And Diane has been that same support IRL, which takes on a powerful connection of its own. However, I have since met many of the ladies from the BBC in real life, too. There will always be something special about the relationships that I have with the BBC ladies, but there is also this shift that makes it that much more real when I've met them in person. And so I hope that one day all of the BBC ladies can meet each other. :)
But my story does not end here.
Diane continues to be a source of inspiration, strength and true friendship.
I'll tell more in the second part...
Monday, May 14, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Moments of Mourning
Yesterday was an unexpectedly bad day. But then, maybe not. Maybe I've been trying to hold the emotions at bay, or maybe I've been distancing them until I could make sense of them.
Mother's Day is coming and my mind has been on the twins. They would be three by now.
As I was driving to work, I just could not stop crying. The tears rolled down my cheeks and I just let them come and wash over me...while on this rare occasion being thankful for the traffic along my way to work that extended my drive to a long 45 minutes.
I hate feeling so sick about Mother's Day. On top of that, add a layer of guilt. I will not be spending the day with my mom because she is working all day and lives in a different state. But my mom said not to worry because it is like she is getting two Mother's Days this year. I was with my family last weekend celebrating my sister's college graduation. (Yea, Kara!) Then, I will be returning to Cleveland to run in the half-marathon and going to my god daughter's birthday party next weekend. So, all good family time. :)
Today was better. Maybe some of it is out of my system. I felt frustrated because March came and went without the emotional roller coaster this year. I took this as a sign of progress. It is not to say that I don't think about them, but it didn't hurt so much...until yesterday. I miss and grieve the opportunity to be their mother. My heart aches and I so want to be a mother. I know I would be a good mother. But I just don't only want children. I want a child to share with a man with whom I love, in a life that we build together...and that would be a blessing because the relationship is the priority.
And I need to be patient with myself. Grief is a process. It will always be there, but less each time it surfaces while showing new meaning or taking a different shape. Feel it, embrace it, honor it and then let it go again and again.
So, I take down those hopes for having a child and put them on another shelf while I continue to reorganize my life. I need to be able to take care of myself first...have a full-time job. Then I need to have the space to meet someone special with time to nurture the relationship. And I go back to the grind of searching and finding that next place in my career. I've been working really hard and meeting a lot of great people doing great things for children in the hospital and educational fields. Something has to open up soon.
Mother's Day is coming and my mind has been on the twins. They would be three by now.
As I was driving to work, I just could not stop crying. The tears rolled down my cheeks and I just let them come and wash over me...while on this rare occasion being thankful for the traffic along my way to work that extended my drive to a long 45 minutes.
I hate feeling so sick about Mother's Day. On top of that, add a layer of guilt. I will not be spending the day with my mom because she is working all day and lives in a different state. But my mom said not to worry because it is like she is getting two Mother's Days this year. I was with my family last weekend celebrating my sister's college graduation. (Yea, Kara!) Then, I will be returning to Cleveland to run in the half-marathon and going to my god daughter's birthday party next weekend. So, all good family time. :)
Today was better. Maybe some of it is out of my system. I felt frustrated because March came and went without the emotional roller coaster this year. I took this as a sign of progress. It is not to say that I don't think about them, but it didn't hurt so much...until yesterday. I miss and grieve the opportunity to be their mother. My heart aches and I so want to be a mother. I know I would be a good mother. But I just don't only want children. I want a child to share with a man with whom I love, in a life that we build together...and that would be a blessing because the relationship is the priority.
And I need to be patient with myself. Grief is a process. It will always be there, but less each time it surfaces while showing new meaning or taking a different shape. Feel it, embrace it, honor it and then let it go again and again.
So, I take down those hopes for having a child and put them on another shelf while I continue to reorganize my life. I need to be able to take care of myself first...have a full-time job. Then I need to have the space to meet someone special with time to nurture the relationship. And I go back to the grind of searching and finding that next place in my career. I've been working really hard and meeting a lot of great people doing great things for children in the hospital and educational fields. Something has to open up soon.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
My Space, My Release
Lately, I've been running a lot.
Running to clear my head.
Running to process the layers of transition in my life.
Running to say good-bye.
Running to be brave in chasing my dreams.
Running to embrace the faith that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Running to feel alive and connected to the natural, beautiful world.
Running to feel the air in my lungs.
Running to savor the last chill in the air before the change in seasons.
Running to lift my spirits.
Running to start anew.
Running.
So, with all of the running comes the increased desire to find new music that makes running that much more motivating and pleasurable time for me. Music is a great way to move through emotions, experience a release and find comfort. I like a mix of sad, angry and happy. These are the songs that have been on repeat on some of my runs, both in letting go and in turning towards a better future.
Then a friend posted a song in her blog that I think I may need to add to my running mix. Somehow it seems to capture everything by starting sad, but then the music seeming to slowly progress into building towards hope. The words are of loss and good-bye, but the melody seems to carry a tone of moving forward.
Running to clear my head.
Running to process the layers of transition in my life.
Running to say good-bye.
Running to be brave in chasing my dreams.
Running to embrace the faith that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Running to feel alive and connected to the natural, beautiful world.
Running to feel the air in my lungs.
Running to savor the last chill in the air before the change in seasons.
Running to lift my spirits.
Running to start anew.
Running.
So, with all of the running comes the increased desire to find new music that makes running that much more motivating and pleasurable time for me. Music is a great way to move through emotions, experience a release and find comfort. I like a mix of sad, angry and happy. These are the songs that have been on repeat on some of my runs, both in letting go and in turning towards a better future.
Then a friend posted a song in her blog that I think I may need to add to my running mix. Somehow it seems to capture everything by starting sad, but then the music seeming to slowly progress into building towards hope. The words are of loss and good-bye, but the melody seems to carry a tone of moving forward.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Virtual Sanity
Over the last few weeks, I have been grieving the end of my relationship with RJ. I have come to accept that it is over, and with it comes a sadness in realizing the separation and that we are no longer apart of each other's life. So much has happened in my life that RJ would not know the slightest, and the same for me with his life.
It really hit home when I noticed that RJ changed his Facebook profile picture. He always had the same one, a picture of him with a friend. Now it is of him in one of his favorite places in the woods. Then there were a few postings on his page that had not been there before when we were together. And I looked back onto my page and saw the things posted on it since we broke up. It was a visual representation of the distance and space over time that comes between two people when a relationship ends. My friend, Emily, said it is almost like a drawing with the perspective of something tiny fading into the horizon. It makes me feel sad. But, it is a good thing, and it is part of the process of moving forward and healing. Time. Distance. Space. (Sounds like a math or physics problem.)
Then I had a conversation with another friend, Julie, about pictures on Facebook. Slowly, I have been deleting the photos with RJ (Sidenote: He also has not untagged himself either.). It has been difficult for me--not in the sense of wanting him back, but more along the lines of not wanting to erase me. The time we spent together meant something, and I am not trying to wipe it all away like it did not happen. My friend said she understood. Then she commented that I have probably taken down the photos of him in my apartment, which is true. She likened the photo albums on Facebook to the photos you keep on your bed stand, mantel or refrigerator. Facebook is kind of like a virtual version of those same spaces in your home. I liked that. It makes it a little easier to continue taking down those pictures. It is kind of like rearranging the furniture.
Maybe next weekend I'll do a little spring cleaning on my Facebook page. Right now I have to do some work at home. And it is supposed to snow tomorrow?! So, who wants to do spring cleaning when there is snow around? :P I'll get to it, soon enough.
It really hit home when I noticed that RJ changed his Facebook profile picture. He always had the same one, a picture of him with a friend. Now it is of him in one of his favorite places in the woods. Then there were a few postings on his page that had not been there before when we were together. And I looked back onto my page and saw the things posted on it since we broke up. It was a visual representation of the distance and space over time that comes between two people when a relationship ends. My friend, Emily, said it is almost like a drawing with the perspective of something tiny fading into the horizon. It makes me feel sad. But, it is a good thing, and it is part of the process of moving forward and healing. Time. Distance. Space. (Sounds like a math or physics problem.)
Then I had a conversation with another friend, Julie, about pictures on Facebook. Slowly, I have been deleting the photos with RJ (Sidenote: He also has not untagged himself either.). It has been difficult for me--not in the sense of wanting him back, but more along the lines of not wanting to erase me. The time we spent together meant something, and I am not trying to wipe it all away like it did not happen. My friend said she understood. Then she commented that I have probably taken down the photos of him in my apartment, which is true. She likened the photo albums on Facebook to the photos you keep on your bed stand, mantel or refrigerator. Facebook is kind of like a virtual version of those same spaces in your home. I liked that. It makes it a little easier to continue taking down those pictures. It is kind of like rearranging the furniture.
Maybe next weekend I'll do a little spring cleaning on my Facebook page. Right now I have to do some work at home. And it is supposed to snow tomorrow?! So, who wants to do spring cleaning when there is snow around? :P I'll get to it, soon enough.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Mind Is Full
So, I am noticing that I need to fill my time doing stuff with other people because I feel like in some ways I am too much in my head lately. As much as my counselor says that I need to lean into my pain and allow myself to feel sad and cry all of the tears that need to come, sometimes I wonder if I am doing that too much and sinking myself down into a hole. I do get the cleansing process of grief, as that is what I needed to do this summer with the news of A~ getting married. It also requires patience on my part and it is difficult to be able to tell when I have really hit the emotional bottom to then be able to come back to the top. It is easy for me to feel overwhelmed right now. And I don't want that to get in the way of what I need to be focusing on doing, which is finding full-time employment.
I almost think the difference is when something catches my attention for a moment and reminds me of RJ or that loss of relationship, that I need to allow myself to be open to my feelings in those times. My sadness is sometimes related to RJ, but it is also coming from feelings that are dredged to the surface from the divorce, as well. It is the thoughts of "What is so wrong with me?" I think I have a lot to offer and to give. I just really want someone to love and I want them to love me back. Or it is feeling lonely or missing the company of a loved one or having someone to share your life with on a more intimate level and regular frequency.
It is the dwelling or freezing up that is not good, and I feel like I have been grinding into inaction at times lately. That is when I need to figure out how to break that cycle and to do something to change gears. I know I have to focus on getting a job and not on wanting a husband, but it is still frustrating. I am tired of feeling like I have to continually wait. And then I realize I have so much to get done! I am juggling so many things and I am having a hard time prioritizing where to focus my efforts. I need to find a good job, but I need socialization, too.
Then, I feel frustrated when some people have difficulty with having the compassion to let me be okay with being sad, on my terms and on my timeline. I don't understand why people are so uncomfortable with tears or sadness. It can be draining to try to put on a strong front all of the time and it can feel fake. And when I feel like I am being fake or masked, I feel like I am bumbling around and not doing things as well as I would normally. I know it is not good to be sulky because it can push people away, too. But I can't help but wear my heart on my sleeve, and I would hope that others would see my genuine nature and authenticity as a strength. I struggle with feeling like I need to project a certain image and then trying to be true to myself. It often results in me feeling an undercurrent of panic and I am afraid it does not translate well in my interactions with others.
What do you sacrifice when you are not being authentic? What do you risk or lose when you try to confide that you are having some troubles? Where is the line?
Man, this post is all over the place! And since blogger is not letting me copy and paste, I guess it will just have to be! Bottom line, I'm still processing the loss of my relationship with RJ and I am really frustrated and worried about getting a good job. I am also worried that the processing I need to do is affecting my efforts in job hunting. I think I will be pretty fantastic in what I will do in my career--it is just remembering that confidence, showing what I have to offer and finding someone who is willing to give me a chance! I can do it, really!
I almost think the difference is when something catches my attention for a moment and reminds me of RJ or that loss of relationship, that I need to allow myself to be open to my feelings in those times. My sadness is sometimes related to RJ, but it is also coming from feelings that are dredged to the surface from the divorce, as well. It is the thoughts of "What is so wrong with me?" I think I have a lot to offer and to give. I just really want someone to love and I want them to love me back. Or it is feeling lonely or missing the company of a loved one or having someone to share your life with on a more intimate level and regular frequency.
It is the dwelling or freezing up that is not good, and I feel like I have been grinding into inaction at times lately. That is when I need to figure out how to break that cycle and to do something to change gears. I know I have to focus on getting a job and not on wanting a husband, but it is still frustrating. I am tired of feeling like I have to continually wait. And then I realize I have so much to get done! I am juggling so many things and I am having a hard time prioritizing where to focus my efforts. I need to find a good job, but I need socialization, too.
Then, I feel frustrated when some people have difficulty with having the compassion to let me be okay with being sad, on my terms and on my timeline. I don't understand why people are so uncomfortable with tears or sadness. It can be draining to try to put on a strong front all of the time and it can feel fake. And when I feel like I am being fake or masked, I feel like I am bumbling around and not doing things as well as I would normally. I know it is not good to be sulky because it can push people away, too. But I can't help but wear my heart on my sleeve, and I would hope that others would see my genuine nature and authenticity as a strength. I struggle with feeling like I need to project a certain image and then trying to be true to myself. It often results in me feeling an undercurrent of panic and I am afraid it does not translate well in my interactions with others.
What do you sacrifice when you are not being authentic? What do you risk or lose when you try to confide that you are having some troubles? Where is the line?
Man, this post is all over the place! And since blogger is not letting me copy and paste, I guess it will just have to be! Bottom line, I'm still processing the loss of my relationship with RJ and I am really frustrated and worried about getting a good job. I am also worried that the processing I need to do is affecting my efforts in job hunting. I think I will be pretty fantastic in what I will do in my career--it is just remembering that confidence, showing what I have to offer and finding someone who is willing to give me a chance! I can do it, really!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
100th Post
I cannot believe I have written 100 posts. That is a lot of writing! Thinking back to when I first began my blog and finished writing my first post, I wasn't even sure if I was going to return to write a second entry. I just felt so exposed and I was not sure how honest I would allow myself to be in this space. But I have surprised myself in what I have poured out onto its electronic pages.
I am thankful to have this place to allow myself to flow in my thoughts in the form of writing. It gives me a mirror to be able to see myself from another vantage point, to be able to reflect on my life. Over time, it allows me to notice the things that I always saw, but could not see at the present time. Perhaps I will learn to better see the truth more quickly and have the confidence to act on it more knowingly. But there is also a beauty in the unfolding of life and that in time more is revealed. There are also times when I can look back through my entries and see the progress that I have made in my life. I need to do more of that...give myself credit for my accomplishments across multiple domains...especially at this current junction of transition.
Time, you are a tricky thing. Sometimes it is agonizing waiting for it to pass, to be patient in allowing enough distance to do its work of growing or healing. Other times, you want to hold onto every second and try to steal away every bit of vibrancy experienced in those wonderfully big moments. It is a balance of patience, awareness and living to feel infinite.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Dealing With My Anger
I don't do angry well. I don't like to feel angry. Part of me feels guilty when I feel angry because it feels like it upsets the balance of the good that I feel about someone, or felt about them. Anger also feels dangerous, much like fire. It is like I am weary of getting too close to that emotion because I am afraid of it settling in too easily and turning into bitterness. It can be hard for me to be able to let go of things. And because I know this about myself, I would rather just avoid that path of accidently getting consumed by the hurt, pain and resentment.
Instead, I often times internalize that anger and blame myself. It is easier to be hard on myself, which I know is not a healthy choice.
But I also try to focus that negative energy into something more productive, like running or playing sports. Thank you, Pittsburgh, for the PSL! The PSL is the Pittsburgh Sports League and is part of the Pittsburgh Urban Magnet Project (http://www.pump.org/). The whole idea of the organization is great and I think every city should have one, if they don't already. And through it, I have taken out my aggressions through things like flag football, cornhole and dodgeball. It is not like I really want to think about who or what I am mad at or about, but just want to expel the energy.
Then when I can focus and get on a roll, I will pour myself into my work. Before it was grad school, and now it is in looking for a job. I know I am hard on myself because I would like to have had more progress in my job search, but I have to be patient and just keep going. It is like there are not enough hours in the day. I will also sometimes feel badly if I take a break or let myself sleep in a little bit. But I need that rest, too. I need the quiet or the time to reflect and process all that has happend and is happening in my life. But I don't want to get bogged down by it either.
So my developing realization is that I am angry with RJ. I'm not angry, angry...and do not plan on staying angry with him. It is more of that natural hurt that comes with rejection. I just need to let myself feel it and let it pass. Forgiveness will come in time. I do not hold anger in my heart towards him. My grouchiness is almost like a distancing when thinking or talking about RJ. I certainly do not want to badmouth him, but it is more like releasing some of the irksome stuff. I spent a lot of time thinking about the things that attracted me to him, the ways we complimented each other and the qualities that I loved about him. It just makes me too sad now and I am dissapointed and frustrated with his decision. I am just searching for a way to slowly separate myself from him, while having that balance of honoring the good and the moments that we shared and experienced together.
Instead, I often times internalize that anger and blame myself. It is easier to be hard on myself, which I know is not a healthy choice.
But I also try to focus that negative energy into something more productive, like running or playing sports. Thank you, Pittsburgh, for the PSL! The PSL is the Pittsburgh Sports League and is part of the Pittsburgh Urban Magnet Project (http://www.pump.org/). The whole idea of the organization is great and I think every city should have one, if they don't already. And through it, I have taken out my aggressions through things like flag football, cornhole and dodgeball. It is not like I really want to think about who or what I am mad at or about, but just want to expel the energy.
Then when I can focus and get on a roll, I will pour myself into my work. Before it was grad school, and now it is in looking for a job. I know I am hard on myself because I would like to have had more progress in my job search, but I have to be patient and just keep going. It is like there are not enough hours in the day. I will also sometimes feel badly if I take a break or let myself sleep in a little bit. But I need that rest, too. I need the quiet or the time to reflect and process all that has happend and is happening in my life. But I don't want to get bogged down by it either.
So my developing realization is that I am angry with RJ. I'm not angry, angry...and do not plan on staying angry with him. It is more of that natural hurt that comes with rejection. I just need to let myself feel it and let it pass. Forgiveness will come in time. I do not hold anger in my heart towards him. My grouchiness is almost like a distancing when thinking or talking about RJ. I certainly do not want to badmouth him, but it is more like releasing some of the irksome stuff. I spent a lot of time thinking about the things that attracted me to him, the ways we complimented each other and the qualities that I loved about him. It just makes me too sad now and I am dissapointed and frustrated with his decision. I am just searching for a way to slowly separate myself from him, while having that balance of honoring the good and the moments that we shared and experienced together.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Still Looking Up
A very good friend in Pittsburgh has reminded me on several occasions to remember to be patient and kind with myself during this time--as I am processing and coming to terms with the end of my relationship with RJ. For some reason coming to terms seems more bearable than accepting right now. My heart is sad and confused in not understanding why he walked away when we both still love each other.
Another wonderful friend wrote an email to me and shared...maybe it IS as simple as you want more than he is prepared to give. Or will ever be able to give. And he is letting you go so that you can find happiness and fulfillment.
However, I cannot wrap my head around how you can get so close to someone and then place a limit on it. That is not how I operate, and I am not sorry for that. So, I will stop trying to figure out that other kind of mentality.
The beauty of love is that there is always more to give. It does not run out. It does not hurt the person to receive that love if you are being authentic and genuine with your intentions at that moment in time. With the right amount of trust, patience and understanding, love can be nurtured exponentially and deepen the connection between two people and have great satisfaction and fulfillment. Our time in this world is fleeting and I would rather give--even if it does not result in a hoped or desired outcome--than to later question or regret not doing something more. I try to hold onto hope for myself that I will meet a man who is my match--in equally giving of his commitment, love and respect.
Most of the irritated stream of my thoughts stem from that RJ says he loves me, but did not want to hurt me if it were to end or when it did end. At some point he checked out and I have tried to figure out what was the tipping point. Did he first check out and then saw the end would have to come? Or did he put too much pressure and worry into the what if's and it took him out of the picture? Was it that he could not envision a future with me or is it that he is scared? I'm not sure if I want to know the answer to those questions. Or even if they matter.
So on that note, with the pendulum of all that are my feelings right now, I have another song that brings me a mixture of feelings. It is I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz . I love the way the song just feels like that unabashed, got-to-give-it-your-all kind of love. There is also a patience in it, in knowing that sometimes timing may be off, but that special person is worth waiting to catch up in order to be ready and on equal grounding.
I first heard the song on the radio as I parked my car by RJ's house on the night that I reaffirmed my feelings for RJ and shared that I was ready for a deeper level of intimacy with him. I sat in the car and listened to the whole song. So, sometimes I feel sad when I hear the song because of all the potential that I saw in building and sharing a life with RJ. We shared many interests and he had many qualities that I loved about him.
Then other times more recently, I will listen to the words and think, that is how it should be and I do deserve more. I mean, it has to be out there if people write poems and songs about it all of the time. Right?
Today I discovered a few more words that struck me.
...at least we did intend for us to work...
And there it is--the wisdom and the acknowledgement of the risk that you have to stay open and positive if you want a relationship to have a chance to develop, grow and evolve. It speaks to the foundation of the relationship. Each person's heart is so delicate and you should be mindful in how you enter and stay their world, for them and yourself.
Another wonderful friend wrote an email to me and shared...maybe it IS as simple as you want more than he is prepared to give. Or will ever be able to give. And he is letting you go so that you can find happiness and fulfillment.
However, I cannot wrap my head around how you can get so close to someone and then place a limit on it. That is not how I operate, and I am not sorry for that. So, I will stop trying to figure out that other kind of mentality.
The beauty of love is that there is always more to give. It does not run out. It does not hurt the person to receive that love if you are being authentic and genuine with your intentions at that moment in time. With the right amount of trust, patience and understanding, love can be nurtured exponentially and deepen the connection between two people and have great satisfaction and fulfillment. Our time in this world is fleeting and I would rather give--even if it does not result in a hoped or desired outcome--than to later question or regret not doing something more. I try to hold onto hope for myself that I will meet a man who is my match--in equally giving of his commitment, love and respect.
Most of the irritated stream of my thoughts stem from that RJ says he loves me, but did not want to hurt me if it were to end or when it did end. At some point he checked out and I have tried to figure out what was the tipping point. Did he first check out and then saw the end would have to come? Or did he put too much pressure and worry into the what if's and it took him out of the picture? Was it that he could not envision a future with me or is it that he is scared? I'm not sure if I want to know the answer to those questions. Or even if they matter.
So on that note, with the pendulum of all that are my feelings right now, I have another song that brings me a mixture of feelings. It is I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz . I love the way the song just feels like that unabashed, got-to-give-it-your-all kind of love. There is also a patience in it, in knowing that sometimes timing may be off, but that special person is worth waiting to catch up in order to be ready and on equal grounding.
I first heard the song on the radio as I parked my car by RJ's house on the night that I reaffirmed my feelings for RJ and shared that I was ready for a deeper level of intimacy with him. I sat in the car and listened to the whole song. So, sometimes I feel sad when I hear the song because of all the potential that I saw in building and sharing a life with RJ. We shared many interests and he had many qualities that I loved about him.
Then other times more recently, I will listen to the words and think, that is how it should be and I do deserve more. I mean, it has to be out there if people write poems and songs about it all of the time. Right?
Today I discovered a few more words that struck me.
...at least we did intend for us to work...
And there it is--the wisdom and the acknowledgement of the risk that you have to stay open and positive if you want a relationship to have a chance to develop, grow and evolve. It speaks to the foundation of the relationship. Each person's heart is so delicate and you should be mindful in how you enter and stay their world, for them and yourself.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Lingering Conversations
So, after that first conversation two weeks after RJ broke up with me, we have talked a couple more times. When he came over the first time, it was after a slight misunderstanding in each of us thinking the other had something they wanted to say. When we figured out that neither had anything planned, I took it as an opportunity to talk about tying up loose ends.
One of the hardest parts was in giving RJ back his keys. As I dug into my pocket to get them out--because I knew my hands would be fumbling if I tried to take them off my key ring in front of him--RJ started to shake his head no in protest and neither one of us could look each other in the eye. He told me again that I really did not have to give them back and shook his hand away. As the tears came rolling and my voice could barely get the words out, I told him that I did not want to give them back, but that I thought it would be best. RJ took them and then hugged me tight and we cried.
It was so difficult for me to give back the keys because when I looked at them, it just brought me back to that summer day that RJ first gave them to me. I went with him as he made several copies so that if he were to get locked out of his apartment, there would be spares. He gave one to me and I remember saying with a big grin, "Really? You want me to have one." He said yes with a smile--both with his lips and in his eyes. It felt really special, and it was special. He was the first man to give me the keys to his home. It was so meaningful in both feeling the trust that he had in me and in our relationship that it was really going somewhere.
And then in that moment as he held me close, I asked RJ a question I had been burning to ask. I asked him, "Do you have any feelings of anger or bitterness towards me?" I knew the answer really should not matter because even if he did, it should have no barring on my self-worth. But I asked the question for me. I asked it because of how things ended with my ex-husband and how by the end of it A~ just absolutely hated me--hated me for existing, hated me for just being and hated me for being in his way of attaining what he thinks will be his true happiness. I know A~'s thought process was unfair and that he was projecting his frustrations onto me for which I was not responsible. There were two people on that August day that both committed to the marriage. But it was still so devastating to hear and to feel that kind of intense anger after being with him for fourteen years, part of which I thought included love and happy memories. How can you hate someone for being married to you when you are the person who was the major contributor to destroying it? And even in emotionally deflecting back that responsibility of A~'s change in feelings, I still could not help but feel that negative energy.
So, I asked RJ my question. RJ emphatically said no that he did not feel angry with me. He said that as much as he thinks this break up is what needs to happen that he still loves me and that there will always be a part of him that will love me. RJ then continued that he feels that we formed a deep connection. He said it is very hard for him to make those kinds of connections with people and that once he does, he does not let those go.
I found relief in that RJ does not hate me like in the way that my ex-husband did. I found comfort that he still had positive feelings surrounding me and what we experienced. But RJ's admission also hurt because I just do not understand how you can love someone and walk away. I just do not get it.
He did insert that if I did do something to hurt him, that that would change, but quickly reiterated that no he still cared very much for me. I told him that I don't want to hurt him. I think that comment may speak to either a fear of getting hurt or that vulnerability that we are both feeling with being unsure of how it is all really going to end. But I think that if two people want a peaceful ending, even if it is sad, that can happen.
Then RJ shared something that is reflective of his spiritual side. RJ told me that as silly as it may sound, he hopes or would like to think that in the next life we will cross paths. He said, "I hope that we run into each other and that we hug each other. And that we both say, 'Thank you. Thank you for being there in my life because you were exactly what I needed then and I got exactly what I needed from you.' "
And those are the words that I try to hold onto because in some ways it speaks of hope that there will be better for each of us to come. I feel that what RJ shared in that conversation on that day helps to validate that the time we spent together and what we had was real and that it was special and meaningful.
And then RJ read my blog...
the last one with him in it...
and he was upset.
I got an email from him, which was also in response of a few things we needed to take care of doing, but I could see the extra space where he clearly deleted some things. I felt sick because this was not how I wanted things to end, especially after our last conversation.
So, with still looking for a job and having some extra time at home, I decided to walk over to his apartment.
It was strange to walk up the steps to his front door. It reminded me of the first time I came to his door and he invited me into his apartment before a bike ride. I rang the doorbell, which was probably broken. So, I stood there deciding if I should try the back door. As I turned to go down the stairs and lifted the latch to open the gate to walk into the back yard, I glanced over my shoulder half expecting to see the old Italian couple sitting on their front stoop. Of course they wouldn't because it is winter, but in my mind's eye I pictured them as I saw them so many times that first summer and they would laugh and wave as I walked those same steps with what I imagine as a glint of excitement to see RJ. As I climbed his back steps up to the landing on the second floor, I paused before knocking, taking in the view of other tiny city back yards, the walk with the rose garden and the back of the church parking lot where so many couples and their wedding parties bustled to and from the church for the ceremony. I remembered sitting on the rails of the landing talking to my friends on my phone about this amazing guy. Still standing, I remembered the slow warming of summer mornings as RJ watered his garden or the back and forth from the kitchen to the yard for barbecues or the starry nights as we left his apartment for some nighttime fun down the block. I remembered the first summer looking out of RJ's kitchen window and wondering, "Will I be in this kitchen the following summer? I certainly hope so, it feels like it. Will that one day be us in that church parking lot?"
My head was becoming full in these fleeting thoughts. And not wanting to indulge in them for any length of time, I pushed them aside because I just did not want to feel the sadness in not ever experiencing them again. I pushed them away as I raised my hand up to knock on the door and RJ answered. He answered with a quiet hello. Cutting past the small talk, I told him right off that I read his email. He paused and I invited him to come outside. Fortunately, it was one of those warmer 50 degree winter days. But somehow the temperature seemed almost non-existent.
RJ apologized for sending me the email and that he had been avoiding reading my blog, but did this morning. I told him not to apologize for sharing his feelings and that I would rather know he was upset and be able to talk about it. I told him how I noticed his editing and that he didn't fire off everything that he was thinking and that maybe it was good to get it out and then delete it--to which he looked down with a slight knowing laugh.
Then, RJ shared that he was upset because he felt that he had been completely honest about how he felt about us along the way and that the break up was not a complete surprise out of no where. I asked him how much of my blog he read, if he had just read the one entry or others too. He said just the one. I told him that there were other entries that talked about the leading doubts and that the surprise came from the fact that I was not expecting the break up that morning. He said he was surprised by it too and it was not planned. I told RJ that he was as honest as he could be in sharing his concerns about the relationship along the way. However, I felt he was inconsistent in sharing the good things and the love that he felt for me. I felt there were times that he seemed to show he cared in big ways and I was hoping not to be grasping for straws in searching that he really loved me. I told him that you have to share the good stuff too and sometimes that includes saying it.
RJ said that he gave everything that he could put into the relationship and that he was in it fully. But RJ and I agreed that we would go round and round as far as to the argument of how one can be fully in the relationship if they are worrying or thinking about it ending. I feel that if you are in that mindset or fear, it does take you out and that was what was missing. And RJ said he gave everything that he had, which I can understand to a point. I told him that I also gave everything that I had, but there were times that I became aware that I was not in it 100 percent. I would then re-evaluate and work through those fears to then give more of myself. I always gave 100 percent of what I knew I had to give.
RJ mentioned that there were times that I would talk about the future in what if's in not being certain if we would be together or not. And then it hit me as for part of my role. I talked in what if's because I was afraid of chasing RJ away in pushing too much too soon or in getting ahead of myself. I just felt like I was not in a place to really talk about marriage with having to finish grad school. I later told RJ I was terribly sorry for that. I did not mean to give him mixed messages about if we could have a future together. But I also told him that it took time for me to get to that place to be ready and that was a large part of what I was trying to get at when I admitted my feelings to him in wanting more, more with him. But part of me now wonders, if he really wanted more then, why didn't he just say it or ask about it? Why did he not question or address it with me?
RJ also added that it is not about being afraid of him getting hurt. He said that he was holding back because he was afraid of me getting hurt. He said how he did not want to hurt me like how my ex hurt me. RJ said in all that I shared he was able to see how devastating it was for me, or in his words--destroyed me. He said it must be so difficult for my family and friends to see me in another relationship and ask what will happen if it happens again? I told him I knew I should not have told him, but he said no that he wanted to understand who I was and where I was coming. To his credit, he did listen well. And what I did share with RJ was not every detail, but it was more in that I am feeling sad and this is why so that you don't think it is you or this is the lens that I see the world because of my experiences but I make every effort to not project them onto you. I told him that I knew I was still processing the loss during our relationship and I did not want it to be unfair to him. And in some ways there was no way to process certain things related to my past relationship without being in a new and serious relationship. But I told RJ that I also feel that I have grown, become stronger and moved through it. I asked him if he had read the entry about the dream and he said no. I feel frustrated that RJ does not seem to recognize the new strength and confidence within me.
And still it remains that RJ says he just does not want to hurt me like how I have been in the past. Again, I could go round and round on that one, but his mind is made up. It is not my job to convince him to be with me.
On a final note, RJ said that if I walk away with nothing else, it is that he wants me to know that the relationship ending is not because of something that I did or did not do. He feels that we both did everything that we could have done, even with trying to replay or find certain moments that could have gone another way. He feels we both acted in ways that were true to ourselves and in giving as much love as we could give. Was it timing? Did he not feel safe coming to me to show his vulnerability?
Before I left, we hugged once more on that back porch landing under a bright blue sky. It was then that I realized how cold I felt from standing outside for as long as we did. I was actually starting to shake.
I am just so very, very sad in that the relationship couldn't work and that it has to end. I just do not get it. I do not understand how you can love someone and walk away. I am deeply saddened that he cannot see my strength and resolve. However, during this conversation and in wrapping up I shared with RJ how much his words from our last conversation meant to me. It was real.
One of the hardest parts was in giving RJ back his keys. As I dug into my pocket to get them out--because I knew my hands would be fumbling if I tried to take them off my key ring in front of him--RJ started to shake his head no in protest and neither one of us could look each other in the eye. He told me again that I really did not have to give them back and shook his hand away. As the tears came rolling and my voice could barely get the words out, I told him that I did not want to give them back, but that I thought it would be best. RJ took them and then hugged me tight and we cried.
It was so difficult for me to give back the keys because when I looked at them, it just brought me back to that summer day that RJ first gave them to me. I went with him as he made several copies so that if he were to get locked out of his apartment, there would be spares. He gave one to me and I remember saying with a big grin, "Really? You want me to have one." He said yes with a smile--both with his lips and in his eyes. It felt really special, and it was special. He was the first man to give me the keys to his home. It was so meaningful in both feeling the trust that he had in me and in our relationship that it was really going somewhere.
And then in that moment as he held me close, I asked RJ a question I had been burning to ask. I asked him, "Do you have any feelings of anger or bitterness towards me?" I knew the answer really should not matter because even if he did, it should have no barring on my self-worth. But I asked the question for me. I asked it because of how things ended with my ex-husband and how by the end of it A~ just absolutely hated me--hated me for existing, hated me for just being and hated me for being in his way of attaining what he thinks will be his true happiness. I know A~'s thought process was unfair and that he was projecting his frustrations onto me for which I was not responsible. There were two people on that August day that both committed to the marriage. But it was still so devastating to hear and to feel that kind of intense anger after being with him for fourteen years, part of which I thought included love and happy memories. How can you hate someone for being married to you when you are the person who was the major contributor to destroying it? And even in emotionally deflecting back that responsibility of A~'s change in feelings, I still could not help but feel that negative energy.
So, I asked RJ my question. RJ emphatically said no that he did not feel angry with me. He said that as much as he thinks this break up is what needs to happen that he still loves me and that there will always be a part of him that will love me. RJ then continued that he feels that we formed a deep connection. He said it is very hard for him to make those kinds of connections with people and that once he does, he does not let those go.
I found relief in that RJ does not hate me like in the way that my ex-husband did. I found comfort that he still had positive feelings surrounding me and what we experienced. But RJ's admission also hurt because I just do not understand how you can love someone and walk away. I just do not get it.
He did insert that if I did do something to hurt him, that that would change, but quickly reiterated that no he still cared very much for me. I told him that I don't want to hurt him. I think that comment may speak to either a fear of getting hurt or that vulnerability that we are both feeling with being unsure of how it is all really going to end. But I think that if two people want a peaceful ending, even if it is sad, that can happen.
Then RJ shared something that is reflective of his spiritual side. RJ told me that as silly as it may sound, he hopes or would like to think that in the next life we will cross paths. He said, "I hope that we run into each other and that we hug each other. And that we both say, 'Thank you. Thank you for being there in my life because you were exactly what I needed then and I got exactly what I needed from you.' "
And those are the words that I try to hold onto because in some ways it speaks of hope that there will be better for each of us to come. I feel that what RJ shared in that conversation on that day helps to validate that the time we spent together and what we had was real and that it was special and meaningful.
And then RJ read my blog...
the last one with him in it...
and he was upset.
I got an email from him, which was also in response of a few things we needed to take care of doing, but I could see the extra space where he clearly deleted some things. I felt sick because this was not how I wanted things to end, especially after our last conversation.
So, with still looking for a job and having some extra time at home, I decided to walk over to his apartment.
It was strange to walk up the steps to his front door. It reminded me of the first time I came to his door and he invited me into his apartment before a bike ride. I rang the doorbell, which was probably broken. So, I stood there deciding if I should try the back door. As I turned to go down the stairs and lifted the latch to open the gate to walk into the back yard, I glanced over my shoulder half expecting to see the old Italian couple sitting on their front stoop. Of course they wouldn't because it is winter, but in my mind's eye I pictured them as I saw them so many times that first summer and they would laugh and wave as I walked those same steps with what I imagine as a glint of excitement to see RJ. As I climbed his back steps up to the landing on the second floor, I paused before knocking, taking in the view of other tiny city back yards, the walk with the rose garden and the back of the church parking lot where so many couples and their wedding parties bustled to and from the church for the ceremony. I remembered sitting on the rails of the landing talking to my friends on my phone about this amazing guy. Still standing, I remembered the slow warming of summer mornings as RJ watered his garden or the back and forth from the kitchen to the yard for barbecues or the starry nights as we left his apartment for some nighttime fun down the block. I remembered the first summer looking out of RJ's kitchen window and wondering, "Will I be in this kitchen the following summer? I certainly hope so, it feels like it. Will that one day be us in that church parking lot?"
My head was becoming full in these fleeting thoughts. And not wanting to indulge in them for any length of time, I pushed them aside because I just did not want to feel the sadness in not ever experiencing them again. I pushed them away as I raised my hand up to knock on the door and RJ answered. He answered with a quiet hello. Cutting past the small talk, I told him right off that I read his email. He paused and I invited him to come outside. Fortunately, it was one of those warmer 50 degree winter days. But somehow the temperature seemed almost non-existent.
RJ apologized for sending me the email and that he had been avoiding reading my blog, but did this morning. I told him not to apologize for sharing his feelings and that I would rather know he was upset and be able to talk about it. I told him how I noticed his editing and that he didn't fire off everything that he was thinking and that maybe it was good to get it out and then delete it--to which he looked down with a slight knowing laugh.
Then, RJ shared that he was upset because he felt that he had been completely honest about how he felt about us along the way and that the break up was not a complete surprise out of no where. I asked him how much of my blog he read, if he had just read the one entry or others too. He said just the one. I told him that there were other entries that talked about the leading doubts and that the surprise came from the fact that I was not expecting the break up that morning. He said he was surprised by it too and it was not planned. I told RJ that he was as honest as he could be in sharing his concerns about the relationship along the way. However, I felt he was inconsistent in sharing the good things and the love that he felt for me. I felt there were times that he seemed to show he cared in big ways and I was hoping not to be grasping for straws in searching that he really loved me. I told him that you have to share the good stuff too and sometimes that includes saying it.
RJ said that he gave everything that he could put into the relationship and that he was in it fully. But RJ and I agreed that we would go round and round as far as to the argument of how one can be fully in the relationship if they are worrying or thinking about it ending. I feel that if you are in that mindset or fear, it does take you out and that was what was missing. And RJ said he gave everything that he had, which I can understand to a point. I told him that I also gave everything that I had, but there were times that I became aware that I was not in it 100 percent. I would then re-evaluate and work through those fears to then give more of myself. I always gave 100 percent of what I knew I had to give.
RJ mentioned that there were times that I would talk about the future in what if's in not being certain if we would be together or not. And then it hit me as for part of my role. I talked in what if's because I was afraid of chasing RJ away in pushing too much too soon or in getting ahead of myself. I just felt like I was not in a place to really talk about marriage with having to finish grad school. I later told RJ I was terribly sorry for that. I did not mean to give him mixed messages about if we could have a future together. But I also told him that it took time for me to get to that place to be ready and that was a large part of what I was trying to get at when I admitted my feelings to him in wanting more, more with him. But part of me now wonders, if he really wanted more then, why didn't he just say it or ask about it? Why did he not question or address it with me?
RJ also added that it is not about being afraid of him getting hurt. He said that he was holding back because he was afraid of me getting hurt. He said how he did not want to hurt me like how my ex hurt me. RJ said in all that I shared he was able to see how devastating it was for me, or in his words--destroyed me. He said it must be so difficult for my family and friends to see me in another relationship and ask what will happen if it happens again? I told him I knew I should not have told him, but he said no that he wanted to understand who I was and where I was coming. To his credit, he did listen well. And what I did share with RJ was not every detail, but it was more in that I am feeling sad and this is why so that you don't think it is you or this is the lens that I see the world because of my experiences but I make every effort to not project them onto you. I told him that I knew I was still processing the loss during our relationship and I did not want it to be unfair to him. And in some ways there was no way to process certain things related to my past relationship without being in a new and serious relationship. But I told RJ that I also feel that I have grown, become stronger and moved through it. I asked him if he had read the entry about the dream and he said no. I feel frustrated that RJ does not seem to recognize the new strength and confidence within me.
And still it remains that RJ says he just does not want to hurt me like how I have been in the past. Again, I could go round and round on that one, but his mind is made up. It is not my job to convince him to be with me.
On a final note, RJ said that if I walk away with nothing else, it is that he wants me to know that the relationship ending is not because of something that I did or did not do. He feels that we both did everything that we could have done, even with trying to replay or find certain moments that could have gone another way. He feels we both acted in ways that were true to ourselves and in giving as much love as we could give. Was it timing? Did he not feel safe coming to me to show his vulnerability?
Before I left, we hugged once more on that back porch landing under a bright blue sky. It was then that I realized how cold I felt from standing outside for as long as we did. I was actually starting to shake.
I am just so very, very sad in that the relationship couldn't work and that it has to end. I just do not get it. I do not understand how you can love someone and walk away. I am deeply saddened that he cannot see my strength and resolve. However, during this conversation and in wrapping up I shared with RJ how much his words from our last conversation meant to me. It was real.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Moment to Want to Laugh Out Loud
So, I was shopping for a new interview suit and had a coupon that I did not get a chance to print from my email. The sales girl said that if I could bring it up on my phone, she could then get the promotion code from it and still honor the coupon. Great! When it finally came up on my cheapy phone, the sales girl tried to blow up the image like a touch screen. I told her, "Oh no, hon...my phone doesn't work like that." And then she tried two more times.
I'm not sure who should be a tad more embarrassed. The sales girl who did not seem to notice my phone was open with it's slide-out-keyboard (and obviously not having a screen large enough to be a touch screen) or me with having the cheapest phone you can get with a slide-out-keyboard that does not require a data plan (because the keyboard is my crazy frill to have with a cell phone).
At least she was sweet and helped me to save some money!
I'm not sure who should be a tad more embarrassed. The sales girl who did not seem to notice my phone was open with it's slide-out-keyboard (and obviously not having a screen large enough to be a touch screen) or me with having the cheapest phone you can get with a slide-out-keyboard that does not require a data plan (because the keyboard is my crazy frill to have with a cell phone).
At least she was sweet and helped me to save some money!
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