February Run Down

Time is strange.  While it feels like time just keeps flying, I also feel stuck and that things are moving slowly.  I am busy everyday but I wonder, how much am I actually accomplishing?  It is another back dated post, but I seem to want to jot down some notes so that maybe I can see some progress, movement or forward motion.

Looking for a job is a full-time job.  It is a constant cycle of researching, completing applications and following up.  There is always more.

My health is important and having insurance is a priority.  There is relief that I can get it, but it is expensive--the laws vary from state to state and there are so many variables as to who is eligible for reduced premiums.  My arm still hurts and I need care.

Emotional IF meltdown with a trifecta of triggers.

• Read an article linked from a blog about new research suggesting that the decline of egg quality is more like in the range of 33 to 37.  It means that egg decline begins earlier than 35 and that the range ends more quickly than previously thought.  It is more like dropping off a cliff.  While I know getting pregnant at 35 or after is high risk and greatly reduced, I thought there was more time in the decline.  I thought the time to be more realistic for it not happening for me would be around 40 or 42.  If the cliff is 37, then I have about six months to get pg.  And that is highly unlikely because the timing has been derailed for me.  While I am in a relationship, it is not the right time for us.  We just moved in with each other, my career is unsettled and I am unsure where I may be living in a year.  Life feels like it is on hold again in some ways.  And while the pause button has been pressed, time keeps passing and my window of opportunity gets smaller and smaller.
• This got me thinking about my age and I realized that I am older than what my mom was when my sister was born.  My mom had my sister when she was 35 and I was 11.  I look at what my parents had at my age--marriage, a house, children, career and being part of the community.  I am nowhere near that and I feel like I am just floating and drifting from space to space.  There are no roots, stability or routine.  Everything is up in the air.  While some envy the freedom of my life in having choices to make my life whatever I want, the reality is that I am limited in my choices.  The economy is really tough and I don't want to rush my relationship with T~.  Time is a limited resource.
• Then I return to those urges where I so very much want to be a mom.  And I wonder, was having a sister 11 years younger than me as close to motherhood that I am going to get?  Will I only get glimpses of it through my godchildren?  Will I only experience it through the joy I feel for my friends as they share pictures and stories about their own children?  Is it just not supposed to happen for me?

March is coming and while I am not specifically sad about the twins, I think I am feeling that undercurrent of emotion.  It has quieted down this year.  I think that I have made significant gains in my grief over the loss of adoption of them.  I think these overwhelming emotions are more related to facing the possibility that I may not ever become a mother.  Time is not out, but at some point you have to face reality--even getting ready to face that possible reality.

The twins would have been five-years-old this year, preschoolers getting ready for Kindergarten.

January Blur

This is a back dated post.  January in many ways was a very tough month for me (on top of several tough months leading into it).  I don't know how to write about it.  I did everything I could do and I feel I came out stronger and more confident in myself in the end.  However, I'm not working at the hospital.  It was not the right fit.  I took a risk.  But in starting my second career, I need a place that is more established and with more resources in place.  So, I am looking for my next career opportunity.  Please send me prayers and good vibes to find the place I am meant to be and to call home.

In the meantime, I think about what my friend Karen said and what other dear friends have said to me in the past but with a twist.  When one door closes, another one opens.  But sometimes you may have to walk down a hall to find it.  It speaks about having patience and it may take time to find the right job for me. On a good note, I am blessed with supportive friends and family.

Of course, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  That reason may still be showing itself and unfolding.  Only time will tell and I try to free my mind to possibility.

Although, maybe one reason why I came to Orlando was to meet T~.  As a matter of fact, T~ has been amazing.  And despite these challenges, our relationship has grown.  We are fantastic.  He wants me to move in with him and I am.  :)  It feels right and I love him so very much!

A Light Sketch

My mind is playfully dancing around the conversation T~ and I had just before bed last night.  It just kind of floated out there, all innocent like.  My heart is happy and I am in wonder in how simple and natural and easy the conversation started and flowed.  I'm not even really sure exactly when it started, it just happened and was.

T~ and I talked about moving in together.

We have talked in broad terms about our feelings and thoughts about marriage, children and things that bring us fulfillment.  We have talked about wanting to find a partner and share a life with someone special.

This conversation was a dreaming kind of chat or a light sketch about us.  No big or hard details, just feeling it out.  But, the words were said that he wants to share a home with me and I want to share a home with him.  It is all still early, but it was a real conversation with him.

And there is also something important that I've noticed about being with T~ in the last month or so.  I feel calm and confident about our relationship.  There isn't so much worry in trying to guess what he is thinking.  I just ask him and he says it.  There is a mutual transparency in our relationship.  Part of this has been me learning to be more bold and part of it is him.  And the times that we have spent apart, like being out of town visiting family, I have missed him, but I have felt at ease.  In my past relationships I may have felt twisted up, stressed and scared.  However, with T~, I feel secure-- secure in myself, in him and us when we are together and apart from one another.  Again, it is from my own growing, but it is also him.  I feel blessed to be with T~.

MRI Falling Apart?

"Getting old is hell, sweetheart."--Uncle Carl

That's what my great uncle would often say.  It was usually followed by a soft, knowing chuckle with a bit of honesty and humor.  But, he was always quick to point out that for which he was thankful, too.  It became harder over the years as he outlived so many in his lifetime.  However, my mind prefers to linger on the more resilient moments when Uncle Carl spoke those words.

Ugh.  Followed by meh.

The saga that is my shoulder injury from September continues.  Long story with an eventual MRI/MRA and plenty of deserved griping, but I'll skip all of that.  Good news is that I did not tear it nor have micro tears.  So, that means no surgery and a few weeks of physical therapy.  The bad news is that I have arthritis.  What?  How is that?  Well, apparently it has always been there but kind of quiet.  As the physician assistant put it, the injury awoken the bear.

Great.

Now that makes me feel old(er).  I am not exactly thrilled by this news.  He felt that the physical therapy should bring back range of motion and be mostly pain free.  He also did not seem too concerned about long-term treatment or who I should see next.  Seemed more like welcome to getting old(er).

I don't know how I feel about all of this, but it seems I'm fairly young to have this health issue.  I guess it will be more for me to look into for 2014.  I just want to be healthy and injury free for more than six months.  I am tired of feeling like my body is falling apart.  I'm certain there are worse things, but I'm concerned about the long-term effects and how to care for myself now so that I'm in better shape down the road, or less worse shape.  This is not helping the whole being healthy and young enough to have a baby.

But, the physician assistant said that after the physical therapy that I can take up running and yoga again, at least for a little while.  I am definitely going to be hoping for improved health in the coming year.

The Betweens

My blog is in a state of flux.  Sometimes I question if I have more to write, but then a post comes to mind and it goes on the page.  It sometimes feels like a trickle.  It is not so much that I am dealing with immediate IF issues.  I have used this space to process and grieve what once was my battle with IF.  Now it feels like I am grappling with the left over reverberation, such as how this has all impacted my parents and family.  They have been marked and hurt by the process and sometimes hurt for me in what could have been.  It is sometimes unspoken and more with a knowing sigh or glance.  Pandora's box has been opened and there is no going back to how it was before IF invaded our lives.  It has left a hole and there is no undoing of that want and dream of a child my own.  That chapter in my life has closed and the loss is still felt.

But, there are new chapters yet to be written and a child could still be a possibility.  There is a chance that a new dream of a new child could be born.  However, until that time, I am in a space of in between where I must find a way to live in the present.

And it is in this space of in between that I am trying to find peace and happiness and freedom.

So, where do I look for support?  It is a really, really small niche in the IF community.  As of yet, I have only really found two other blogs where a person was once married and dealing with IF and got divorced and were still of an age to be able to conceive a child potentially.  One stopped her blog shortly thereafter and the other remarried, but then her life quickly took a turn as she faced breast cancer.  This second blog has been very validating for me in a retrospective kind of way before the writer learned of her illness.  And she continues to be inspiring in framing what is most important in life.  Her situation made her have to get off the IF roller coaster.  Then how she documented her journey put things in a different perspective.  Her blog also helped me through my mom's treatments for breast cancer as the blogger was a few steps ahead of my mom in her treatments and it kind of prepared me for what was next.  lt helped me to focus on my current blessings and helped me find clarity in prioritizing what I want in my life.

So, I continue to look for ways to help me deal with the current childlessness in my life because if I do not, I may get stuck in my sadness and grief.  I need to find a way to live my life now and be happy.  The places I find myself more so lately are the blogs of those living childfree.  Perhaps there is something for me to learn from them to help me manage during this chapter in my life.  It is not that I am giving up hope on having a child, just trying to find a way to peaceably live until it may be time to dream that dream.

November Guys

Another picture text came my way from my Mom and it was bitter sweet.  I know it is my family's way of including me, especially living further away and not getting to be part of family gatherings.  And I hate to admit it and it is one reason why it has taken me so long to write about it.  It stings and hurts on multiple levels.  I wish it wasn't so.  I really do.  I think I was trying not to let it bother me.  But the harder I try, the more it creeps back and hurts more.

One of my godsons celebrated his birthday in November.  It is also the same month of my Dad's birthday.  Little J~ is a guy's guy and loves being around his male relatives.  My mom gets a kick out of how much he enjoys my dad and buddies up with him.  In the picture, Little J~ was sitting on my Dad's lap playing an arcade game at Chuck E. Cheese.  My first thought was, how sweet.  Which, I guess is an improvement.  But, it was quickly followed by a piercing sadness.

Then my dad sent a picture text of Big J~ and Little J~ where they both had enormous grins.  It is a rare sight with my cousin because he is such a serious guy and his little boy doesn't fall far from the tree on that one.  That picture made me smile.  It wasn't as hard.  And I was happy for them, more wholly in that moment.

I continue to get better at seeing people in pictures with their children.  But it was hard to see one with Little J~ with my dad.  I want so much for that little boy to be my son sitting on my dad's lap.  I want to be the one to bring my parents joy with grandchildren.  Durring times like these, I briefly ask myself, why can't that be me?

It also doesn't seem to be getting any easier because as my parents get older, it is just another reminder that time is limited.  My mom recently shared that my dad is thinking about retiring next year.  I don't want him to retire.  It just really means he is getting older and I don't want to accept that.  It just doesn't seem fair.  But life is not fair as it keeps painfully reminding me.

All of this probably sounds selfish, but I cannot entirely help it.  I try to rise above.  But sometimes you have to admit those ugly feelings to yourself.  Otherwise, they just eat you up and that is not good.  I guess it goes back to the idea that feelings are not bad, it is what you do with them.  So, I keep it to myself.  And I remind myself to be thankful that my parents get to have these kinds of experiences.  And it is good for my cousin and my godson because Big J~'s parents each passed away awhile ago and never met there grandchildren.  It is a blessing for all to be there for each other to give support and share their love in other ways that cannot be.

Gravity

Over the weekend I saw the movie Gravity.  It was the first time I saw a 3D movie.  I was a little nervous because sometimes I've experienced some motion sickness watching a couple of IMAX films.  However, I think I picked a good one to see in 3D because they didn't seem to over do the effects and the movie was well suited for it.  Plus, the length of the movie was appropriate in that it wasn't too long and told its story in 90 minutes.  It was a  good experience and a pretty good movie.  (I actually removed a few "goods" from this paragraph.  Good sums it up well.)

SPOILER ALERT:  While the movie was about troubles in space and trying to return to Earth, it was also about grief, learning to let go and getting back to the business of living life.  Sandra Bullock's character has lost a daughter who died in a freak playground accident.  Since then, she has been emotionally stuck and just passing the days immersed in her work as a way to escape and withdraw from the world and others.

At one point she expresses a want for the silence in space.  But, when that silence comes after being cut off from mission control and being left on her own, it does not seem to acquiesce the pain of loss.  She must make a choice to live and really live or die.  There is no longer an in between.  It is when she nears an emotional rock bottom that she chooses life and moves into the space of letting go without forgetting and leans into the strength of hope--hope of a new future, a new life.

The story in the movie spoke to me, reminding me that there is life after loss.  And I need to give myself credit for being so bold to take up that strength to propel my life forward.  I did not just give up and get stuck.  I've moved on with my life and there is still joy and happiness to be had.  Yes, I have a new career, but there is more.  I'm making new friends, and slowly building a support system in Florida--to add to my one in Ohio and Pennsylvania and in the IF community.  I have a loving, thoughtful, and giving boyfriend whom I find myself falling in love with over and over.  And I am blessed with a family who loves me unconditionally.

I need to remember my own strength and dig deep and use it.  I have to trust in myself and not hold back.

Meaning Making

There was an article I read a bit ago that my sister posted on fb, but it has since dropped from her timeline and I do not remember the name of it.  It was talking about some research that was done about how people find happiness in their lives.  The article described three ways that people draw happiness into their lives.

• Participating in activities that bring a person pleasure.  It is indulgent on the senses.
• Spending time with family and friends in ways that cultivate healthy, positive relationships that are fulfilling.  It is about quality social engagement.
• Engaging in work that is satisfying and meaningful and contributes to something larger than themselves as an individual.  This may be through work or volunteering in the community.

The article explained that the first one seemed more surface and that the second two seemed to garner greater depth of happiness.  That seems to make sense.  It easily falls in line with the theories about external and internal motivation and how internal motivation is more powerful.  But, it also doesn't mean that there is only one way to embrace happiness in life. There are multiple sources and it may be good to have a mix of them, too.  But, I also think about what is within your control.  If one of these options is less within your control, it could become a source of frustration.  Maybe when things get out of control, then it may be time to take a healthy step back and seek happiness with one of the other avenues.  A person may be drawn more to one of these sources to experience happiness, but a person does not to have to confine themselves to only one way.  It may be healthy to stretch oneself to experience pleasure from something that may be slightly away from the usual source of comfort.

I've been thinking a lot about my personal happiness and desire to make meaning with my life.  It's back to legacy building and I want my life and my time here to have meant something.  I'm not sure if I will have the opportunity to have a child, so I search for something else in which to pour my heart and soul.  Just in case motherhood does not happen for me, I feel compelled to do something with myself in the mean time, just in case.

It has been five years this month when everything came crashing down around me.  The mess was well within the works, but it was in the fall just before Halloween that the surreal became my harsh, cruel reality.  Five years of rebuilding...going back to school, juggling several part-time jobs, searching for a new job, moving many times to make a new home for myself, rebuilding a support network, making new friends, saying good-bye to some, trying to keep in touch with others as our lives take separate paths, taking risks, living more aware and freely, landing my first full-time job in my new career, getting that first year under my belt, learning to love again, getting my heart broken, trying to be more in the moment, learning to trust myself, relearning to trust others, taking that risk in love yet again, and refocusing on the now and the blessings I have and not what was or wished to be.  It has been a long time and in many ways I continue on the journey of rebuilding, but I will never have what I once had...both a loss and a gift.

My point is that I have been in almost a survival mode that tries to find some semblance of balance in living...to appreciate the little things and the wonderfully big blessings.  I have grown tired and I long for a break or breakthrough.  In some ways, I want all of these efforts in rebuilding to mean something.  I know myself and I take great pride in my work.  It is more than just a job for me.  But, I need balance, too.  My work cannot be my everything because only so much is in your control and I do not want to depend on someone else for my happiness.  So, now I try to temper my efforts at work and awaken the other paths to happiness...through relationship and pleasure.  I've focused so much on the work part, it can be difficult to take that much needed step back.

I have to give myself permission to be more than...

Bones Tell No Lie

I'm a clutz.  It is not uncommon for me to fumble and bumble around.  As a teacher, it was quite hazardous for me in my first grade classroom with all of the little furniture because I would frequently bump into the low desks and chairs.  My shins had just as many bruises as some of my kids at times.

A few weeks ago at work, I fell on the stairs and injured my foot and shoulder.  I seem to be healing slowly and had a recheck appointment today.  A PA saw me this time and asked how old I was.  He said he was surprised because he said that I looked much younger.  Then the PA decided an x-ray would be good to see how things were looking on the inside.  After it was completed, he asked me again about my age.  He said, "Wow, you look very good for 36, but your bones definitely look 36 showing the normal deterioration."

I always felt blessed in looking younger and being in pretty good shape.  But, I think it has been what I've held onto for hope that maybe my body seeming to be in extra good health could help me borrow a few years and maybe the stats wouldn't apply to me.  If my bones look 36 and are showing the signs of aging, what else is clearly 36?  Have I just been fooling myself into thinking I've got more time or better quality (you know, eggs)?  Have my healthy habits and healthy living been for naught?  Today I'm feeling a greater urgency to have a baby.  I'm tired of seeing all of the pregnant people at work.  They are everywhere!  Seriously, there have been like twelve.  I feel sad and don't want to miss my chance.  Today I feel like time and opportunity are slipping away.

And I feel horrible about it all because I should be enjoying the relationship I do have.  Patience and not wishing time away in the hopes for the next step and the next step and the next step can be difficult sometimes.  I don't want to be ungrateful.  I want to be happy and satisfied for what I do have.

August Rush

The undercurrent of feeling sadness, weakness and grief sit below the surface.  I've been thinking it has been coming.  Kind of like in March, I thought I could get past it and it not sneak up on me.  But, nope.  I figured it was coming when I started making phone calls to family and friends.  I wonder if they remember or if they have forgotten.

It was in August when I married him. It was in August when we returned to Pittsburgh to move into our dream house.  It was a year later in August when he had surgery and we found out that he could not have children.  And he was already cheating on me without me knowing it yet.  I believed his lies.

I know I get emotionally clingy this time of year.  I don't like to be alone and try to fill my time with lots of people.  I have a new, lovely apartment and I did not want to spend the night in it alone.  Tomorrow I probably will.  I need to remind myself to be comfortable with being just by myself.  I need to renew.  I need to find my center and my own grounding.  I cannot get it from others.

I want to talk to T~ about it.  But something tells me I should keep it to myself.  Maybe I'll share I've just been feeling sad and that just happens sometimes, but I don't want to talk about it.  I know I'm feeling insecure and want to be careful not to project it onto him.

I wonder if others feel these swirling emotions around the time of an old anniversary?  Am I holding on too much?  When will I be over the hurt?

Today I cried as I considered tossing away my cats' vet tags.  I had duplicates, so it would not have been like all of them.  But I couldn't.  I just cried.  I looked at the years and thought about them...where I was and what had been my life.  I cried some more and I felt so badly. My heart hurt because I feel like I abandoned my cats.  I kept repeating, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  The tears dripped down my cheeks.  And  I was thankful as I remembered Chris's words that sometimes it is being less selfish and more responsible to let them go...to find them a good home when the stress would be too great to keep caring for them as I focused on putting my life back together again.

And I stood in my apartment feeling very alone...in a place of new beginnings alone.  I am still alone.

I have a boyfriend.  But, he is a boyfriend.  Keep expectations in check, but be grateful for what I share with him.  Allow the space for us to grow.  Look for his lead, like wanting to spend Christmas together and maybe Thanksgiving.

UPDATE:  After chatting with Julie, I am glad to have the girl time to reflect and recharge.  From our our conversation, I came to a few conclusions.  My past wedding anniversary is still sad for me.  I wonder if this is normal?  Am I holding on too much or being honest with my feelings?  But, I am making progress.  It kind of came up on me without a ton of thought.  But, it is the after ripples that concerned me.  Why do I still feel sad?

I think part of it is that I'm moving and it brings reflection.  He is married and I am not.  And going through old stuff brings sadness.  But, I have done better with letting go and donating items.

It seems better to look at the positives.  I have a good job and I'm taking care of myself.  The hurt is less.  Giving things away is easier and I'm letting go of more.  I'm making space for new in my life.  Even if I am single, I do have a wonderful boyfriend.  Like how Julie expressed, sometimes it seems it would be nice to have it all wrapped up and know how it ends.  But, that is not really living and I am doing better at living in the moment.